This week: The age old battle resumes on Raw Supershow. Good versus evil. Right versus wrong. Rock versus Rap. A chance to address important issues, such as “does John Cena have lady parts?”, “is threatening to give another man a Cleveland steamer a bit weird?” and “which Queen song really is the toughest to sing karaoke to?” Plus, Jericho’s plan to make CM Punk CM Drunk, Kane borrows his brother’s secret media lair and stumbles on something that happened 8 months ago, return of the Funkasaurus, the formation of Batelyn (or Kaitman if you prefer), the Daniel Bryan for boyfriend of the year campaign gathers pace and I learn that “attitudinal” is actually a word.
RAW SUPERSHOW
– The show was built around Cena’s Rap against Rock’s Concert. Cena opened the show with his old Basic Thuganomics music, in full 2003 mode. I couldn’t figure out the best way to recap this (“he did a rap”), so here’s what Cena’s rap in full. Add the thug accent yourselves.
“Rock wanted me to write his song tonight but I would never be his mouthpiece
Because Rock’s like Lebron James, he took his talents straight down to South Beach.
And for the past few weeks, Rock’s been legitimately pissed
If you get stuck singing your song tonight Rock, it’s all in the wrist.
Could we please have a week where you don’t come out and choke?
You may be G.I Joe this summer but right now you’re a G.I Joke.
Ever since I opened my mouth about you you’ve been begging me to back off
So if Rock and Dwayne are the same person, I think you both are jackoffs.
And after April 1st, you won’t be making no more movies
You’ll be needing surgery on your face just like you had it on your boobies.
Those popping pecs, they had more work than a locker room of Divas
I got a gift for Rock tonight, I’m gonna give him a Cleveland steamer.
Team Bring It? He’s Team Lost It and the truth is getting scary
Because they weren’t chanting Rocky last week, they were chanting Tooth Fairy.
Keep making fun of this fruity pebble Rock, because I’m not even close to sick of it
Because I’m Mr. Kung Pao Chicken, you’re just Miami fried chickshit.
And no, I don’t have balls, but I have something in their place
I’m gonna beat you at Wrestlemania and put my nuts dead in your face.”
Cole called this attitudinal. He used this word more times on this show than the entire world’s population did in 2011, I’m fairly certain.
– Sheamus d. Dolph Ziggler in 8:51. Ziggler tried to give Sheamus the run around, which just earned him a beating. All Sheamus early. A distraction from Vickie allowed Ziggler to dropkick Sheamus from behind on the floor, then send him hard into the announce table. That, literally, left a mark. Sheamus beat the count back inside but Ziggler took over. Josh interviewed Bryan in his own sky box during the match. He got mad at the accusation that he was rude to AJ on Smackdown and called the interview to a halt. Back in the ring, Sheamus made a comeback. Ziggler escaped the Celtic Cross and countered the Irish Curse. Sheamus tried to hit the air raid crash, but it didn’t work out. Ziggler almost got the win with a fameasser. But Sheamus finished Dolph off with the Brogue Kick. Bryan looked on disapprovingly from his skybox.
– Two On One Handicap Match: Mark Henry and David Otunga d. Santino Marella in 1:33. Otunga is Laurinaitis’s team captain at Wrestlemania and Santino is Teddy’s captain. This was supposed to be a mixed tag with Santino and Aksana. But, Laurinaitis announced he’d changed his mind and Otunga’s partner would be Mark Henry. Teddy came out to get Aksana out of the ring to safety. He then shoved Laurinaitis, who took a pratfall over his seat. All this left Santino to suffer the World’s Strongest Slam from Henry. Kofi Kingston and then R-Truth both ran down to try and make a save for Santino, but they both got taken out by Henry and Otunga. Laurinaitis then announced Mark Henry would be on Team Laurinaitis at Wrestlemania.
– Eve ran into Zack. Zack was still smitten and wondered why Eve wasn’t responding to his calls. He asked if she was trying to play him. Eve said she wasn’t and suggested they be friends with benefits. They agreed to meet up for dinner. Beth showed up, mad about Maria Menounous. After Zack left, Beth asked Eve if she was okay with her pulling Zack’s strings too. Eve said she did mind.
– Miz interrupted Laurinaitis’s phone call backstage, wanting to be on his team at Wrestlemania. Laurinaitis was annoyed at being interrupted. Miz introduced Psych’s James Roday. Miz talked about his star power. Laurinaitis said if he won his match, he was in. He made Roday the ring announcer, then told Miz his opponent was CM Punk.
– Brodus Clay d. Jinder Mahal in 0:29. Yes, Brodus is back. Brodus seemed in better shape. He won quick of course, with a big splash, making this my favourite Jinder match ever.
– Shawn Michaels came to the ring. Shawn brought up footage from last week, of HHH saying people were talking behind Shawn’s back about being a failure. Shawn said nobody had called him a failure since being back. But there was one person absent since he’d been back and he was here tonight. So, he called Undertaker out. Shawn said what the two of them did would stand the test of time and they had mutual respect. He confronted Undertaker and told him to say it to his face. Undertaker did exactly that. But he said maybe HHH put those words in Shawn’s mouth. Shawn said Undertaker was looking for validation, because HHH beat him within an inch of his life. Shawn again said he knew who was going to win. Undertaker said whatever happened, he’s accept it, but he wouldn’t accept Shawn sticking his ego into it. Undertaker got the date of Wrestlemania wrong, which caused a few shouts. Taker said the outcome needed to be pure. And if it wasn’t, there’d be hell to pay. Shawn said it was ironic that he could still be the one to end the streak. Undertaker grabbed Shawn and said if he didn’t do the right thing, he’d end him. Shawn left and passed HHH, who gave Undertaker a crotch chop from the stage.
– CM Punk d. The Miz by submission in 3:12. Psych guy did do the ring announcing. Miz stuck around for a while and got a couple of pin attempts, before Punk countered the Skull Crushing Finale and caught him in the Anaconda Vice for the tap out.
– Chris Jericho appeared on the titantron after the match. Jericho congratulated Punk sarcastically. Jericho said he saw through Punk and he was a fraud. He said he’d done some research and found out a dark secret. The reason he was straight edge. Because his father was an alcoholic. Jericho claimed Punk was terrified of ending up like him, but alcohol was in his genes. Jericho taunted Punk, who looked morose. Jericho said he was going to make Punk drink, because he’d take away his title and his claim to being best in the world by beating him at Wrestlemania and that would leave Punk a broken man. Jericho said after Wrestlemania, he would be best in the world and Punk would be a pathetic drunk. Punk left, sadly.
– Randy Orton d. Jack Swagger in 5:18. Orton looked strong early. Swagger was able to target Orton’s knee and worked the leg over. And eventually he got the ankle lock in, but Orton escaped. Orton delivered a big superplex and made his big comeback, leading to hitting the RKO for the win. Kane’s pyro went off during Orton’s celebration, which spooked him out since he was heading for the corner when it happened. Orton looked around for Kane, but there was no Kane.
– The main event was Rock’s Rock Concert. Again, not sure how to actually recap this. Rock talked about setting a Cleveland attendance record a little and made a joke about Cena looking like a Teletubby and Vanilla Ice before getting to business. It was good. The tone was a million miles away from the first two obviously. The first part revolved around making fun of Cena, with every verse ending with Cleveland Rocks. He got some of his usual jabs in at Cena, fruity pebbles and lady parts and so on. He sung a verse about Cena kissing Eve even though he was married. And he sung a verse about having sex with Cena’s Mom, which was amusing. He sung about Cena’s fans being virgins, which had some vitriol, which made this one of the best parts. Rock is really better, heel or face, when he’s being arrogant, or a dick to or about someone. The humble, smiling celebrity babyface really isn’t what Rock was ever about. Then to end they had a version of Rock sing We Will Rock You with the lyrics up on the screen for everyone to sing along with. Which it’s fair to say didn’t work perfectly, but was more serious. Who “won” this non-existant competition really depends who you prefer. But they’ve done a good job of making people pick sides, it seems.
NXT
– The Usos d. Titus O’Neil and Darren Young (Jey pinned Titus) in 7:31. Regal explained at the top of the show that tonight, every match would be a tag team match, saying it had become something of a lost art. Titus and Darren did their own version of The Usos’ entrance to mock them. Titus made the greater mistake of trying to headbutt a Samoan early in the match, as The Usos dominated. Young took a whip into the corner and straight over the top, before both Usos hit dives. The heels eventually isolated Jey. Jimmy made a comeback and things broke down, leading to Jimmy hitting a samoan drop and Jey delivering the superfly splash for the win.
– They showed footage from earlier in the day. Alex Riley and Percy Watson were playing basketball backstage. Hawkins and Reks showed up and it broke into a shoving match. So Regal walked up and suggested they have a tag match later. And if they Hawkins and Reks lost, they’d have to do Regal’s laundry this week.
– Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks d. Percy Watson and Alex Riley (Hawkins pinned Riley) in 0:00. Hawkins wanted no part of Percy. Using a distracted referee to take over, Hawkins and Reks worked on Percy for a while. Riley ran wild and got the crowd into things. But Riley got caught and slammed off the top, allowing Hawkins to follow up with the heatseeker elbow. Hawkins and Reks told Regal they were just getting started again afterwards.
– Maxine bumped into Kaitlyn in Striker’s office, who was playing tag with Derrick Bateman. She accussed Maxine of trying to cancel her reservations and before things could get physical, Bateman walked in. He told them to save it for their mixed tag. Johnny Curtis showed up and suggested the four of them “get into it” right now. They seemed creeped out, but he insisted he meant the match. Things got weird and Maxine ended up dragging Curtis off by the ear.
– Michael McGillicutty came out and cut a promo on Tyson Kidd. He said Tyson was just an average, every day loser like the fans. He said he’d been around wrestlers all his life, so he wasn’t impressed that Tyson knew Bret Hart. And there’d be no rematch between then. Kidd came out and said wrestling was in his blood, but McGillicutty cut him off and said it didn’t matter if he was in the business for the rest of his life, he’d never be a Hart. Tyson attacked with the microphone and they brawled around ringside. Tyson tried to put McGillicutty in the Sharpshooter, but McGillicutty escaped. He yelled that he had his rematch next week.
– Derrick Bateman and Kaitlyn d. Johnny Curtis and Maxine (Bateman pinned Curtis) in 3:00. Apparently Bateman and Kaitlyn are still “just friends”. Curtis tried to hold hands with Maxine on their way to the ring, which didn’t work. Maxine slapped Bateman, despite the match being intergender. Curtis attacked Bateman’s knee. But he kept getting distracted with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn hit Curtis from the outside allowing Bateman to win with the side headlock driver. They celebrated with Bateman’s mother. Maxine got mad at Curtis. Bateman then announced that since he and Maxine were over, he was fine with Maxine going back to Curtis, or to Regal. Regal had other ideas. Bateman and Kaitlyn then kissed, so I guess they’re not “just friends” now.
SUPERSTARS
– Hunico d. Justin Gabriel in 11:03. Hunico cut a promo promising to teach Gabriel a lesson. The early exchanges were fairly even, forcing Hunico to the floor to regroup. The pace picked up and Gabriel went for a dive, but Hunico kicked him through the ropes in mid move to counter. Hunico took control and Camacho contributed with a stomp as well. Striker got a Super Calo reference in. It was tenuous, but it was about Super Calo, so it’s all good. Gabriel fought back and took out both Hunico and Camacho with a scary dive from the top which almost ended with a nosedive. After exchanging falls late on, Camacho got in Gabriel’s way as he planned a 450 and took a kick, allowing Hunico to recover and crotch Gabriel, before hitting a middle rope death valley driver. Yes, that happened. Not often a WWE match ends with a middle rope DVD. This was good.
– Kofi Kingston and R-Truth d. Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks (Truth pinned Hawkins) in 9:39. After their win on NXT, Hawkins and Reks had a little more trouble with Kofi and Truth. They briefly got an advantage over Truth, before Kofi took both out with a dive off Truth’s back. Hawkins and Reks then got the advantage on Kingston. Kofi eventually got the tag to Truth and a Trouble In Paradise from the apron set up Hawkins for the jumping flatliner. Another strong match.
– Beth Phoenix d. Kelly Kelly in 5:38. Kelly used the stinkface early and looked strong for a while. But Beth hung her over the ropes to take control. And after surviving a roll up from Kelly, Beth hit the Glam Slam second time around.
SMACKDOWN
– Christian came out, making his return, with a special Peep Show. He brought up the twelve man tag team match at Wrestlemania and brought out Laurinaitis, who had Otunga with him. Laurinaitis sucked up to Christian a little. Christian then brought out Teddy, with Aksana. Christian offered to put his feelings to the side and give them both the chance to convince him to join their team. Teddy didn’t seem sure about this and Christian got annoyed, saying whichever team he was on was going to win. He suggested Teddy offer him One. More. Match. For the World Title. Teddy said he respected his accomplishments in the ring, but he wasn’t going to beg him to be on his team. Johnny interrupted and said it would be an honour to have Christian on his team and vowed to give him a title shot if they won. That was good enough for Christian and he announced he was joining Team Johnny. Teddy put a stop to their celebrations and tried to put Christian in a match, but Laurinaitis said he wasn’t cleared. So Teddy put Otunga in a match instead, with one of his new team members, Kofi Kingston.
– Kofi Kingston d. David Otunga in 5:39. Santino accompanied Kofi and the GMs both joined in on commenary. Otunga had to compete in his lawyer clothes. Laurinaitis claimed an ingrown toenail was responsible for Christian being unable to compete tonight. After Otunga controlled much of the match, Kofi came back strong, but Christian tripped him from the floor. Teddy told the referee what happened and Christian got thrown out. Teddy and Johnny argued again. Otunga tried to use his belt but Santino got on the apron. Otunga knocked him down, but turned around into Trouble In Paradise.
– Daniel Bryan was waiting for AJ outside the Diva’s locker room and when AJ came out, Bryan agreed that her new dress didn’t fit, saying it looked better on the mannequin. He said if they were going to be the new power couple of WWE, they needed to look the part. Bryan said he’d pulled some strings and if she won her match tonight, it could lead to a Diva’s Title match. And all she had to do was listen to him. AJ was grateful and they kissed.
– AJ d. Nikki Bella in 2:28. Bryan made his own, separate entrance. Bryan shouted advice to AJ through the match. The Bellas tried to pull TWIN MAGIC, but Bryan caught them and pointed it out to the referee. This all lead to AJ countering a sideslam and rolling Nikki up for the win. Bryan celebrated like he’d won after the match
– Striker interviewed Cody. Cody said Big Show was a destroyer 364 days of the year, but at Wrestlemania, he was a choke artist. Cody pointed out Show had never won one on one at Wrestlemania and if you wanted to know how he’d lose this time, just watch.
– Cody Rhodes d. Great Khali in 3:15. Khali dominated early on. But Cody was able to get Khali down and work him over. And after avoiding the chop, Cody hung Khali up and won with a Beautiful Disaster to a kneeling Khali.
– Randy Orton came out. Orton said usually he didn’t talk about his problems, he hunted them down. But lately he felt like he was being hunted, by Kane. Orton wanted to know why Kane chose him. He said unlike John Cena he embraced hate. Orton called out Kane for an explanation. Kane appeared on the stage and showed a clip of Orton beating Kane in a Street Fight on Smackdown last July, leading to Kane shaking Orton’s hand after the match. Kane claimed he watched that every day to remind himself what he had become. Kane said the person that shook Orton’s hand was gone, replaced by the monster. He said the WWE wasn’t big enough for the both of them and he needed to decimate him to get closure. Orton told Kane to come to the ring and finish what he started, but Kane said he wanted his demise to happen at Wrestlemania.
– Big Show d. Drew McIntyre by knock out in 1:49. Teddy announced on the tron that Drew had a one year, “no cut” contract. He then announced Drew’s opponent, which seemed to sour Drew’s mood. Show won with the Chokeslam and a KO punch, which was “for Hornswoggle”. And much like Hornswoggle last week, Drew couldn’t continue. Cody watched backstage.
– Mark Henry d. Yoshi Tatsu in 1:36. Yoshi tried to attack, but had no effect. And Henry finished him off with the World’s Strongest Slam.
– Before his match, Jericho addressed what he said on Raw. He said he realised a lot of people wanted him to apologise, but he wasn’t going to. Jericho said he didn’t go over the line, he told the truth. He called Punk a fraud and was trying to hide from the alcoholic gene in his veins. Jericho said he knew Punk better than Punk did. Fans chanted for Punk. Jericho said Punk was pretending and really wanted to be him, just like the rest of the “Jericlones”. Jericho promised to become WWE Champion at Wrestlemania and at the Wrestlemania after party, he’d make a toast to CM Punk and his pathetic father.
– Chris Jericho d. Sheamus by count out in 11:04. First time one on one match. Sheamus looked strong early, as Jericho missed a splash in the corner and hit the post going over the top. Jericho pulled the rope down on Sheamus and followed up with a baseball slide, turning the match around. At that point, Daniel Bryan and AJ came down to watch from ringside. Jericho worked on Sheamus. Sheamus countered a bulldog, crotching Jericho on the middle turnbuckle and fought back. Jericho used an eye poke, but Sheamus countered the Codebreaker. Sheamus missed the Brogue Kick moments later however and Jericho hit a Lionsault for two. Sheamus got a near fall with the flying shoulder block. Jericho then put on the Walls, forcing Sheamus to get to the bottom rope to break. Jericho escaped the Celtic Cross and the fight went outside, where Sheamus almost threw Jericho into Bryan. A distraction from Jericho allowed Bryan to give Sheamus a running dropkick outside and Sheamus was counted out. Sheamus gave Jericho a Brogue Kick after the match.