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This week: WWE takes another trip to England. Home of pubs, home of fish and chips, home of black taxis and red phone boxes. Home of Sherlock Holmes. Home of those funny hats with the bearskin worn by the people who can't move. At least they finally figured out getting the cheap pop for the local sports team doesn't work in London. That's progress. Plus, Lesnar being Lesnar, Tensai shocks Cena, The YES Lock, Switzerland's first and only rugby player found and the NXT hostage crisis is finally resolved.
RAW SUPERSHOW
– WWE Championship, No Disqualification No Count Out Match: CM Punk (c) d. Mark Henry in 10:07. Big Punk chants coming out. Punk took Henry out with a dive early, then hit a bulldog outside after running across the barricade soon after. Henry kept overpowering Punk before he could build momentum though. YES chants were in effect here. Punk brought a chair in to use. Henry ended up getting the chair and wedged it in the corner. Like a couple of weeks ago Punk fought hard but kept being cut off. Punk eventually sent Henry headfirst into the chair. With Henry out, Punk capitalised with a chair assisted elbow off the top to retain. Good stuff.
– After the match, Jericho showed up on the screen and mock congratulated him, direct from a bar. Jericho said he'd been given a WWE Title match at Extreme Rules, in a Chicago Street Fight. Punk said what he just did to Henry, he could do to Jericho, in front of his friends, his father, his sister and his mother. Jericho wanted him to promise he'd be sober. He produced footage of Punk entering a pub earlier in the day. Punk dared him to come to the ring and said just because he didn't drink, there was nothing to stop him having fish and chips with a friend. Crowd chanted “fish and chips”. Jericho claimed Punk wanted to be surrounded by alcohol and he was on the path to alcoholism. He said Punk had lost his dignity, his beliefs and soon he'd lose the WWE Championship. Jericho disappeared before Punk could reply.
– R-Truth was acting like Sherlock Holmes backstage, because they were in England you see and that's topical. Little Jimmy was his Watson. This was quite pointless. There were three of these segments and they got no less pointless.
– WWE United States Championship: Santino Marella (c) d. David Otunga in 2:00. Santino played up to the crowd by wearing football shirts. People booed the club kits, because all football fans hate other teams as much as they love their own, until he finally produced an England shirt. Lawler somehow recognised all the kits. Otunga hit the spinebuster and after some confusion made a pin, but Santino got his foot on the rope. Santino recovered and won with the Cobra.
– Josh tried to interview Lord Tensai. Sakamoto tried to speak for him but Tensai stopped him. Tensai, speaking in English and Japanese, said people feared the unknown but he knew what people should fear.
– A Brock Lesnar package aired. It was basically a sitdown interview with clips cut in, but it was amazing. He said he wasn't a superstar, he was an ass kicker. They showed clips of his amateur and college wrestling days, his WWE run and stills of him in UFC. Lesnar said he didn't care about anybody but himself and he was going to legitimise the company. He said he was tired of Cena's bullcrap and Cena was only on top because he left, if he hadn't, Cena would have been carrying his bags the past 8 years. He said Cena was “scared pissless”. He hyped the Extreme Rules match and by the end of it, it was hard not to be excited for it. Hell of a job here.
– Kane was supposed to wrestle Zack Ryder, but it never got started. Kane booted Zack off the apron before the match even began. Kane destroyed Zack, again. He gave him a Chokeslam and that was that for Zack. Kane cut a promo on Orton, saying Randy went down without a fight the same way his father did.
– Backstage, Kofi was talking to AJ. Daniel Bryan showed up and accused him of hitting on AJ. He said just because he didn't want her, didn't mean it was open season. Bryan told them he was better than Gene Lebell, so he was renaming the Lebell Lock the YES Lock. He said tonight, when the referee asked Kofi if he wanted to quit, Kofi would be screaming YES YES YES. Bryan kept yelling YES. A lot. Kofi walked off bemused, as Bryan kept yelling. Amazing.
– Cena came out for a promo. More YES chants. Cena said John Laurinaitis clearly didn't like him, because he was using his power to try to end and replace him. But he didn't want to fire him, so he went and got Brock Lesnar. Cena said after a year of hearing about movie parts and being entertaining, Brock Lesnar was here for destruction. He said Brock wasn't stepping in the ring to win, he was trying end and a replace him. Cena admitted he was afraid of Brock, but he would fight at Extreme Rules and fear could be overcome. Laurinaitis interrupted. Laurinaitis said since Cena wanted to fight, he'd be in an Extreme Rules Match tonight. He also mentioned a contract signing with Cena and Brock next week.
– Daniel Bryan d. Kofi Kingston by submission in 6:37. Fans were pro Bryan. And pro YES. If that's grammatically possible. Bryan controlled Kofi. Kofi took Bryan out with a big crossbody to the outside, but Bryan regained control after the break. They showed AJ watching backstage. Kofi made his big comeback, and hit the SOS after Bryan avoided Trouble In Paradise, but only got two. Bryan ended up sidestepping a crossbody and putting on the YES Lock for the submission. AJ smiled at this. Bryan put the YES Lock on again afterwards and Sheamus made the save, with Bryan avoiding the Brogue Kick and escaping.
– Brodus Clay d. Dolph Ziggler by DQ in 0:22 This didn't go long, as Swagger got involved almost immediately. At least we got the entrances. Brodus gave him a headbutt and then launched Dolph with a flapjack. Naomi ended up shoving Vickie down, after Vickie had kicked Cameron away. At least we got the entrances.
– Laurinaitis spoke with Otunga, saying the sky was the limit if he focused more on his in ring career. Eve showed up, wanting their one on one meeting. Laurinaitis said he had a great idea and invited Otunga into the office with them.
– A tribute video for Chief Jay Strongbow aired.
– Big Show and Great Khali d. Epico and Primo (Show and Khali pinned Epico and Primo) in 1:56. They mentioned Epico and Primo (I think mostly Epico) complaining on Twitter about their lack of TV time and Wrestlemania dark match. Abe “AW” Washington showed up to watch from the stage. The champions tried to take their belts and leave, but Big Show threw them back in. They hit a stereo Chokeslam Punjabi Plunge and got a double pin. Be careful what you wish for I guess.
– Extreme Rules Match: Lord Tensai d. John Cena in 6:58. Tensai started strong and basically dominated. They focused a lot on Cena needing to recover from losing to The Rock. Cena was sent into the steps, but back dropped Tensai on the floor and hit Tensai with the steps. Sakamoto attacked Cena outside and Otunga threw Cena back inside. Cena finally got a crossface on Tensai and Laurinaitis sent Otunga into the ring, to suffer an AA. That allowed Tensai to green mist Cena and win with the still unnamed Baldo Bomb. Tensai took 95% of the match here and then won, which was something.
NXT
– The show started with (what I'm relied informed was a) Glee style opening recapping the main stories, with Derrick Bateman narrating. It was pretty great. Presumably more so if you're familiar with the show.
– Percy Watson d. Johnny Curtis in 7:42. Maxine did commentary. She blamed all of the Striker situation on Curtis. Regal and Maxine's interaction overshadowed the actual match. Percy built up some momentum late on and got the victory with a modified flapjack. Regal called Curtis back to ringside after the match and wanted him to do commentary during Maxine's match.
– Maxine d. Kaitlyn by submission in 3:34. Bateman did commentary as well. Curtis blamed all of the Striker situation on Maxine. Amongst the crazy commentary, Maxine won with a hanging dragon sleeper. After the match, Regal stooged off Curtis and Maxine to each other and told them if they wanted to stay on NXT, Maxine now had to be Curtis's manager. Neither seemed happy with this, but Regal forced them to sign a contract. Regal then handcuffed them to each other.
– Darren Young tried to confront Titus O'Neil about the Tamina situation. Titus said it didn't matter and produced some papers, saying they were going to Smackdown. Suddenly, Darren didn't care about Tamina and they danced.
– Hawkins and Reks were worried backstage. Curtis and Maxine, still handcuffed, showed up arguing. Percy, Bateman and Kaitlyn all passed and made fun of them.
– Hawkins and Reks came to the ring to try and claim they weren't involved in the Striker situation. Hawkins claimed Regal doctored footage to implicate them. Striker showed up, with Hawkins's cane. Striker said he knew Hawkins was responsible and took a swing at them. Regal called him off and put Hawkins and Reks against each other in a match, with the loser getting fired. Hawkins gave Reks a cheapshot as Reks was trying to protest that they were friends. Regal then revealed Striker was the referee.
– Tyler Reks d. Curt Hawkins, with Matt Striker as the special referee, in 5:31. Reks got the best of things early. But he missed a crossbody off the top. Regal compared the match to a ferret and a rat fighting in a bucket. Hawkins took over, until being thrown back into the barricade. Reks took Hawkins out with a dive and fought back. Both men traded the advantage late on before Reks got the win with a rollup. Striker laid Hawkins out with a right hand after he argued with him post match. But Regal wasn't done and decided to fire Reks as well.
SUPERSTARS
– Jinder Mahal d. Yoshi Tatsu by submission in 4:30. Much like Malibu Stacy, Jinder has a new hat. He won with the 1980s camel clutch after some brief resistance from Yoshi.
– Eve Torres d. Kelly Kelly in 5:20. Fans are still chanting Hoeski at Eve. Things got feisty early and Kelly took the fight to Eve, but Eve managed to cut her off. Eve worked Kelly over. Kelly got her knees up to block a senton and fought back, breaking out the stinkface, which got a YES chant. Eve won with her feet on the ropes though. This was fine.
– R-Truth d. Jack Swagger in 11:38. Swagger tried to out wrestle Truth to start, which served to fire Truth up. Things were evenly matched, with neither guy getting a lengthy advantage. Swagger eventually pulled the rope down on Truth though and took him out with a clothesline on the floor. Swagger gained control of the match from there, until Truth came up with a tornado DDT and got back into things. Finish saw Truth get his feet up to block a Swagger bomb and hit the Little Jimmy (the move). Truth and Little Jimmy (the invisible child) celebrated.
SMACKDOWN
– Daniel Bryan came out, to mass YESing. Bryan talked about losing at Wrestlemania and how Sheamus took the cowardly way out. He said Sheamus took the cowardly way out with Alberto, a referee and him last week. Bryan promised he wouldn't be distracted at Extreme Rules. He said he was returning to Chicago where his rise began at Money In The Bank and was going to shock the world again. He promised to beat Sheamus twice and that it wouldn't be a fluke like his win was. Bryan said he would wrestle like a real man and got everybody to chant YES. AJ interrupted and Bryan told her to go away. AJ didn't and wanted to talk about their problems. Bryan said he had a problem and he got rid of it. AJ wished him good luck at Extreme Rules. Bryan wished she'd never met her and even more, he wished she was never even born. What a jerk! Bryan said he'd never take her back and left AJ looking distraught.
– Natalya d. AJ by DQ in 0:49. Natalya tried to check on AJ. AJ responded with a slap and took her anger out on Natalya, forcing the referee to call for a disqualification. Once AJ realised what she did, she left shocked.
– Damien Sandow called us all ignorant and buried Dancing With The Stars.
– Brodus Clay d. Hunico in 1:15. Brodus brought out his “little brother”, who was Hornswoggle dressed as Brodus. Hornswoggle did Brodus's routine. Hunico shoved him down and Brodus squashed Hunico. Literally. Then Hornswoggle did the Tadpole Splash.
– Backstage, Teddy ran into Titus O'Neil and Darren Young. They got on his case about not signing them to Smackdown when he was in charge. Laurinaitis showed up and it was revealed he'd signed them to Smackdown contracts. Johnny put a bearskin hat on his head and told him not to speak, because they were in England you see and that's topical.
– Striker interviewed Randy Orton. Orton said his father would be fine, in time. He couldn't say the same for Kane. Orton said he'd be facing Kane at Extreme Rules in a Falls Count Anywhere match and Kane would find out how sick and twisted he could be.
– Darren Young and Titus O'Neil d. The Usos (Titus pinned Jimmy) in 3:31. Usos were in control of Darren early. The newcomers (to Smackdown) eventually cut Jey off. Jimmy got the tag, but after Jey took a header over the top rope, Titus made a blind tag and Titus and Young won with a middle rope hart attack.
– Alberto Del Rio d. Big Show in 5:18. Big Show dominated for a while. Del Rio managed to clip the knee and took over, softening up the arm. But Big Show countered the armbreaker and made a comeback. As he set up for the Chokeslam Ricardo got on the apron and distracted the ref, allowing Cody to run in and hit the Beautiful Disaster. And Del Rio stole the win as a result. Cody continued to attack after the match but Big Show got mad and Cody ran away through the crowd.
– Ryback d. Danny Lerman in 1:13. Lerman was an Englishman. He cut a promo, sort of, saying hello to his Mum. Slater and Drew were watching backstage. Ryback, off course, destroyed Lerman.
– Poor Teddy was stuck backstage dressed like a beefeater. Regal walked up and made fun of him. Teddy wouldn't crack. Aksana's sexy music showed up. Aksana was with Antonio Cesaro. Aksana said he was a friend of hers and a rugby player who wanted to be a WWE superstar. Aksana explained Teddy used to be GM. They went into Laurinaitis's office and Johnny goaded Teddy about Aksana's “friend”. Poor Teddy.
– Randy Orton, Sheamus and Big Show d. Daniel Bryan, Cody Rhodes and Mark Henry (Orton pinned Henry) in 13:17. Khali was supposed to be Orton and Sheamus's partner, but Cody took his knee out as he tried to get in the ring. Doctors took Khali away and Big Show came out as his replacement. Which dampened Cody's mood. Bryan tagged out to avoid fighting Sheamus, so Sheamus beat up Cody instead. Bryan attacked Sheamus outside to turn things around. After a long period of being worked over Sheamus finally got the tag to Orton, who ran wild, until Henry laid him out with a clothesline. The heels isolated Orton briefly, before Show got a tag, only for a knee from Cody to allow Henry to cut Show off as well. Cody put Show in a figure four and Henry hit a splash for two. Big Show tagged Sheamus and he ran through Bryan. Show hit the KO punch on Cody outside. Bryan avoided the Brogue Kick and quickly tagged out, but Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick on Henry. Big Show gave him the KO punch from outside, leading to an RKO for the win. Good match.