This week: Brock's contract demands revealed, with “I get to win my matches” the most glaring omission. Meanwhile Cena gets a public peptalk from Edge, or “The Master Motivator”, as Michael Cole will never get the chance to call him every week for years. Plus, Raw Starring Brock Lesnar, NXT Starring Hornswoggle, COPS Starring CM Punk, the latest of the many demises of Paul Bearer, Q&A time with D.Bryan, Big Zeke's lack of cuts and Antonio Cesaro's in ring debut.
RAW SUPERSHOW
– WWE announced the show would start with the Brock-Cena contract signing. Cena came out, but instead of Brock, we got John Laurinaitis, who got mad at Teddy because Brock wasn't here yet. Laurinaitis demanded Teddy tell Cena to leave. Edge interrupted Laurinaitis though. He's looking good. Edge said he didn't come to talk to the John Cena he saw, he came to talk to the John Cena who was his greatest ever rival. Edge said he understood it took people time to recover from big losses, like Cena had against Rock. But Cena had to win, because just like him, this was all he wanted to do, unlike Brock. Edge told Cena to wake up and some of the crowd tried to get a Cena chant going. Edge said he wasn't asking Cena to beat Lesnar, he was telling him to and left.
– Chris Jericho d. Kofi Kingston by submission in 8:22. Kofi started strong and faked Jericho out on a dive, leaving Jericho to take a walk to regroup. Jericho gave Kofi a cheap shot over the referee's back to turn things around. Jericho missed a splash in the corner and Kofi took him out with a flip dive, but Jericho regained control during the break. After avoiding a Lionsault Kofi tried to fight back and both traded the upper hand, until Jericho countered the Trouble In Paradise, Kofi then escaped the Walls, but Jericho caught Kofi in mid air with a Codebreaker off a springboard. Jericho then finished Kofi off with the Liontamer. Strong TV match. Afterwards, Jericho said this was proof he'd become the WWE Champion at Extreme Rules. He mocked Punk's family again and said he had sent a gift for Punk, to help cope with his defeat.
– Eve walked into Laurinaitis's office. He insisted on being called Johnny and offered her a job as “executive administrator”. She accepted. Johnny wanted a hug. Eve settled on a handshake.
– Josh interviewed CM Punk. Punk said the gift he got from Jericho was a liquor basket. Punk said he had a gift for Jericho too, in Chicago. He gave the basket to Josh and told him to leave, but not before taking one bottle.
– Lord Tensai d. R-Truth in 2:01. Tensai dominated, much as he's done in every match so far. He eventually delivered the Baldo Bomb, followed by the green mist claw slam. Cole said the mist was “known to cause issues with vision, in Japanese lore”. As opposed to the rest of the world where scientists are presumably baffled as to why mist makes people's eyes hurt.
– Kane came out and cut a promo on Randy Orton. He said Extreme Rules was his favourite night of the year. Which meant bad things for Orton. Kane said Wrestlemania proved Orton couldn't beat him with rules, much less without them. Uhm, Smackdown rematch? Kane said Orton wasn't the viper, he was just a scared little boy, praying the monster would go away. Orton appeared on the big screen and said once you mess with his family, there's no turning back. He said he wanted to return the favour and the camera panned out to reveal Paul Bearer, tied up in a wheelchair just like old times. Orton shoved Paul Bearer in a freezer. Kane didn't care whatsoever. So Orton ran out and brawled with Kane around the ring. Orton beat Kane with a lead pipe and Kane escaped through the crowd.
– Backstage, Jericho was told by Alex Riley that he caught Punk drinking in the locker room. Jericho didn't believe him, but Riley lead him there and Jericho 'saw Punk drinking'.
– Big Show and Great Khali d. Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes (Show pinned Cody) in 7:27. Khali was selling his leg from Cody's attack on Smackdown. Khali went after Cody's knee in retaliation early on. Cody pulled the rope down on Big Show, injured Big Show's knee. Show beat the count but the heels worked the knee over. In the end Del Rio decided he'd had enough and left Cody to be beaten by a Chokeslam.
– Jericho spoke with Laurinaitis and wanted Punk stripped of the title. Eve said Laurinaitis had the right to do so, but Laurinaitis said he needed proof. It was decided Punk would have to take a sobriety test in the ring. Teddy didn't approve, so Laurinaitis told Teddy he'd be in charge of it.
– Brock showed up and ran into Josh, who questioned where he'd been. He didn't want to hear Josh's questions, so Brock threw him through the interview setup. Josh got carted out on a stretcher.
– WWE Diva's Championship: Nikki Bella d. Beth Phoenix (c) in 4:06 to win the title. The Bellas were looking in fine form here. Wow. Eve showed up before the match to announce the match would now be a lumberjill match, since there were so many Divas who sat around doing nothing. So we got Eve's music and the Diva music which used to be AJ's music, in the same segment. What more could you want from a segment? Beth dominated but turned her ankle jumping off the apron. Brie went after Beth and it ended in a Diva pile-up. Brie threw Beth inside and it lead to Nikki rolling her up for the win.
– Teddy informed Punk of the sobriety test deal. Punk was acting messed up and flipped out.
– Jericho came out before the sobriety test, insisting that he make sure things were done right. Punk made his entrance very unsteadily and 'accidentally' said WWF Universe, which was bleeped. Punk then proceeded to goof around during the test. The cops told Punk to recite the alphabet backwards and Punk messed it up. They then made him walk in a straight line and he messed that up. I'm not sure if I could do either sober, to be honest, but maybe I'm just strange. Jericho insisted Punk be stripped of the belt. The cops confirmed Punk had failed. Punk gave the belt over to Teddy but before he could pass it to Jericho, Punk asked for one more chance. He recited the alphabet backwards successfully, with the crowd chanting YES with every letter, walking the line as he did it to reveal he wasn't actually drunk. Punk then hit Jericho with the microphone and attacked, sending Jericho scurrying. They brawled around the ring until Jericho finally escaped. This was a pretty odd detour to take in the feud before Extreme Rules. It was entertaining enough in isolation. And the fans were more into this than a few other segments in the feud. So I don't know what to tell you.
– Mark Henry d. Sheamus, with Daniel Bryan as the special referee, in 1:35. Bryan was made referee by Laurinaitis. Plenty of YES chants. Bryan dared Sheamus to hit him, knowing what'd happen to Sheamus if he did since he can't touch the referees. He then quick counted Sheamus after a simple clothesline. But he made the mistake of throwing his referee shirt at Sheamus before leaving, which meant Sheamus could attack. Sheamus gave Henry a Brogue Kick, but Bryan capitalised and trapped Sheamus in the YES Lock. And screamed YES while doing it.
– Striker interviewed Sheamus backstage. Sheamus called him a coward and told Bryan to start praying.
– Zack Ryder and Santino Marella d. Epico and Primo (Santino pinned Primo) in 3:17. Crowd were behind Zack. Rosa distracted the referee to help the champions cut him off. Zack was able to tag Santino, who ran wild in Santino fashion. Zack took out Epico and Santino won with the Cobra.
– Having escaped Orton, Kane stumbled on the freezer backstage. He wheeled Paul Bearer out and Paul thought he'd come to save him, but then wheeled him back into the freezer and walked off.
– Primo and Epico argued backstage. AW showed up and said they were being treated by jokes, so if they needed some guidance, give him a call.
– Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle d. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger by DQ in 1:56. Hornswoggle was dressed just like mini Brodus. There was all sorts of Taco Bell product placement during this match for reasons which are lost on me and also, not important. Ziggler bullied Hornswoggle, until Swoggle surprised him with a headscissors. Brodus ran through Swagger and Ziggler, but Vickie slapped Brodus as he went for the splash. Vickie was surrounded and tried to play friendly, but Hornswoggle bit her on the ass. Then Brodus and crew danced. This all happened.
– The Brock-Cena contract signing closed the show, with John Laurinaitis overseeing it. Cena's music played, but he didn't come out. Brock said obviously Cena was too scared to come out. He told Laurinaitis there was some business they needed to discuss since Cena wasn't there. Lesnar said he had some changes he needed in his contract. He said he wanted the changes made before he signed off on the Extreme Rules match. Brock said he wasn't the same naive farmboy that was there 8 years ago. Change number 1, Brock wanted everything Laurinaitis thought of doing run through him first. Change number 2, he wanted Vince's private jet to transport him. Brock said he didn't like people, especially stupid people. Change number 3, he was going to show up to Raw when and how he wanted. Change number 4, Laurinaitis wouldn't be fining him, he'd be paying him more money instead. Crowd chanted that Brock sucks, so he's cemented himself as a heel. Brock said he didn't care and he wasn't annoyed. Change number 5, Brock wanted Raw to be referred to as “Monday Night Raw, Starring Brock Lesnar”. Laurinaitis didn't seem happy, but agreed to it, under some duress. So Lesnar signed the Extreme Rules contract.
– Cena came out at this point, in serious mood. And with his old chain and lock. Cena kept the chain wrapped around his fist. Crowd were pretty mixed on Cena, maybe more pro than anti. Brock didn't seem concerned about the chain. Cena was tentative so Brock told him to sign. Lesnar said he sensed that Cena was scared. Cena signed the contract and threw it at Brock, then prepared to fight, but Lesnar just laughed it off and left.
NXT
– Striker said he was replacing Josh tonight. He announced Hawkins and Reks had been officially fired and mentioned Darren Young and Titus O'Neil going to Smackdown too. Striker claimed Regal was looking for brand new talent to take their NXT spots and dropped the immortal “new talent initiative” phrase. He said the special match coordinator for tonight would be Hornswoggle. Still in his Brodus getup. Hornswoggle brought out Derrick Bateman. Bateman was talking about how he should have got a Smackdown opportunity when JTG of all people attacked from behind. JTG was mad because Regal hadn't contacted him and demanded a match. Bateman threw JTG outside and Hornswoggle made the match.
– Derrick Bateman d. JTG in 4:44. Striker and Hornswoggle were your commentary team. Bateman started strong but missed his dropkick off the apron. Fans got behind Bateman. Bateman ended up getting the win with his side headlock driver in a decent little match.
– Curtis and Maxine showed up and was informed they needed to be handcuffed as long as they were in the building. Maxine tried to flirt with Scott Armstrong. He wasn't buying it. And he called Curtis “dude”. They were handcuffed and Hornswoggle put Maxine in a tag match.
– Percy Watson and Tyson Kidd joked about being cursed as tag wrestlers, ahead of their match later. Kaitlyn showed up and said she was impressed with Tyson's performances lately, which Natalya took exception to. Natalya said Maxine was right about Kaitlyn and would take things into her own hands tonight.
– Maxine was released from the handcuffs to compete in her match. Natalya said she hated her but she wanted to knock Kaitlyn down a couple of pegs and asked if she was in. She was.
– Kaitlyn and Tamina Snuka d. Maxine and Natalya (Tamina pinned Maxine) in 4:42. Curtis was forced to be at ringside, so did commentary with Striker. Curtis was happy to be a free man and said he was “putting the vibes out”. He also had a “Let's Get Weird” t-shirt, which prompted Striker to name drop BarberShopWindow on WWE TV (and me in this review). Natalya punished Kaitlyn as promised. But Tamina ended up getting the tag and hit the superfly splash for the pin.
– Backstage Tyson found Percy in pain, claiming McGillicutty had clipped his knee.
– Tyson Kidd d. Johnny Curtis in 9:35. Since Maxine couldn't leave during Curtis's match, she was forced to sit ringside. Hornswoggle threw McGillicutty out of the scheduled tag match and made it a singles instead. So McGillicutty did commentary. Curtis tried to target Kidd's arm. Kidd fought him off and pulled out a hurricanrana off the apron, but Curtis refocused on the arm soon after. Tyson tried to find his way back into things despite being one armed and eventually a missed legdrop off the top left Curtis prone for Kidd's new submission hold. Another good match from Kidd, Curtis more than held his own too. Kidd and McGillicutty stared each other's way afterwards.
SUPERSTARS
– Hunico and Camacho d. The Usos (Hunico pinned Jimmy) in 7:20. Cole was on commentary, with Josh incapacitated. This was Camacho's in ring WWE debut unless I'm forgetting something. Usos mocked Hunico and Camacho's promo before things got underway. Camacho and Hunico eventually isolated Jey and worked his knee. Jimmy ran wild, things broke down, Jimmy had Hunico rolled up but Camacho delivered a boot behind the referee's back and Hunico turned on top.
– Kelly Kelly d. Maxine in 4:23. A rare Superstars outing for Maxine. Maxine grounded Kelly for a while and got the front choke locked in. But Kelly came back to win with the rocker dropper.
– The Miz d. Alex Riley in 12:02. Unless I mischecked, this was Miz's first Superstars match since November 2009. Obviously these two have plenty of history. Miz got the better of Riley with the early exchanges and made sure to rub it in his face. Riley came back and had Miz reeling, but Miz hung his arm across the top rope to put a stop to that. Miz worked over the arm and berated him in the process. Riley fought back again and after both men got near falls late, Miz posted the shoulder and delivered the Skull Crushing Finale.
SMACKDOWN
– Daniel Bryan came out, YESing it up. Bryan was proud that he was free of AJ. He wanted to set the record straight, that his 18 second loss at Wrestlemania didn't count. He said the loss should go on AJ's record and not his. Fantastic. Bryan said Sheamus was running around with his championship, but he'd rectify that at Extreme Rules. Bryan claimed he called things down the middle on Raw, but people were accusing him of a quick count. So he showed footage of the finish, with the actual count blatantly slowed down. Also fantastic. Bryan also showed himself applying the YES Lock and called it beautiful. Bryan said it was question and answer time. Did Mark Henry beat Sheamus? YES. Did he make Sheamus tap out? YES. Is Sheamus's title run a fluke because he took advantage of a “frankly not very intelligent” woman? YES. And would he win at Extreme Rules? YES. YES. YES. Alberto Del Rio interrupted. He asked if Bryan had been making excuses since Wrestlemania and Ricardo replied SÍ. Would whoever won at Extreme Rules eventually lose to Del Rio? SÍ. Would Bryan be forgotten when Del Rio became champion? SÍ. SÍ. SÍ. Big Show interrupted this and asked if it was YES or SÍ. He teased the punch and Bryan fled. Del Rio fled too, but Ricardo got caught. Show calmed him down and asked Ricardo, who lost the power of speech. Show Chokeslammed him.
– Big Show d. Alberto Del Rio by DQ in 1:54. Del Rio was bounced around at the start, but managed to attack Big Show's arm. Big Show countered the armbreaker with sheer power and ran through Del Rio again. He went for the Chokeslam, but Cody clipped the knee from behind. Cody tried to attack Show with a kendo stick and a chair afterwards but just made Big Show mad and got whipped with a belt as a result.
– Laurinaitis and Eve were backstage. He said she could make any changes she saw fit. Eve wanted everyone to wear name tags because she didn't know any of the crew's name. They told Teddy he was to report directly to Eve and she told him to put on a name tag.
– Damien Sandow did another promo. He doesn't like catchphrases and theme music, but salvation was one week away.
– Nikki Bella d. Alicia Fox in 1:49. The match was fairly even, until the Bellas pulled off TWIN MAGIC and Brie pinned Alicia with a facebuster.
– Backstage, Darren Young and Titus O'Neil found Yoshi Tatsu warming up backstage. They wanted to know who his tag team partner was later. In pretty insulting fashion. Yoshi tried to leave and they pulled him back, but Big Zeke showed up, saying he was Yoshi's partner. Titus and Darren said Zeke was big and strong, but he “ain't got no cuts”. They then did a song and dance to emphasis their point, which was amazing and they left.
– Teddy was dusting Laurinaitis's office. He had a nametag on and for some reason was wearing a frilly apron, which raises many questions. Aksana's sexy music showed up, but Laurinaitis and Eve interrupted. Laurinaitis said Antonio Cesaro would get his trial match tonight and if he impressed, he'd be hired. And Aksana would be the ring announcer. Which made Aksana happy and poor Teddy sad. Even worse, Teddy was told he'd do commentary and Laurinaitis would be in his ear instructing him on what to say.
– Titus O'Neil and Darren Young d. Yoshi Tatsu and Ezekial Jackson (Titus pinned Yoshi) in 1:48. Teddy had his own separate commentary table, dressed up with PEOPLE POWER graphics. Cole interrogated Teddy over not signing Titus and Darren to contracts. Poor Teddy had to relay what Laurinaitis told him to say. Darren and Titus finished off Yoshi with a double team powerbomb, which looked nasty. Ezekial didn't even tag in.
– Cole hosted an in ring interview with Orton. Cole wanted things to be civil and if any superstar touched any announcer, they'd be suspended, on Laurinaitis's ruling. Orton warned him he was a shoot first, ask questions later guy. Cole asked how he felt knowing Kane was a reborn monster because he failed at Wrestlemania. He said Kane beat him in a wrestling match, but at Extreme Rules he planned on going above and beyond a three count because Kane messed with his family. He said there was nothing holding him back from making Kane suffer. Jinder Mahal interrupted, for literally no reason other than to eat an RKO.
– Antonio Cesaro d. Tyson Kidd in 1:10. I presume Cesaro's music will change very soon because it's an odd fit. Cesaro took the entire match. He used the pop up european uppercut and his finisher starts like a cradle piledriver but then turns into a face first Styles Clash style move. Aksana was happy. Teddy was forced to go in and raise Cesaro's hand. Then, Aksana and Cesaro started making out and Teddy left crying. Poor, poor Teddy.
– Great Khali d. Cody Rhodes in 2:01. Cody went after Khali's knee again. But Khali ended up hitting the Punjabi Plunge for the clean win regardless. Huh.
– AW tried to convince Rosa, Epico and Primo to join up with him again. He gave them a peptalk and said he needed a decision by Monday. Ryback walked by and stared at them. AW tried to talk to Ryback.
– Ryback d. Jacob Kaye in 1:09. The Usos were watching on the monitor. Kaye did the pre match promo, saying he'd been waiting to escape Grand Rapids all his life and he'd be the first guy to beat Ryback. Unlike the other jobbers, he cut a good promo. Didn't help much as Ryback destroyed him. I'm on the Ryback bandwagon.
– Striker tried to interview AJ. AJ didn't want talk and Kaitlyn showed up to get rid of Striker. She tried to talk sense to AJ, but AJ slapped her and then looked remorseful for what she did.
– Sheamus d. Mark Henry in 7:24. Rematch from Raw, without Bryan as referee. Henry overpowered Sheamus, while Sheamus went after the limbs. Sheamus avoided a big splash but couldn't keep Henry controlled for long and got flung into the barricades. But Henry couldn't finish Sheamus off. And Sheamus eventually came up with the Brogue Kick for the victory. Bryan came out and mock applauded Sheamus from the stage, so Sheamus invited him to the ring. He refused, despite Sheamus getting the crowd to chant 18 seconds. Sheamus promised Bryan wouldn't get away so easy at Extreme Rules and he'd have nobody to blame. And would he kick his arse to remain WWE Champion? YES. YES. YES.