This week: Another week of shows described as “bigger than the NFL” and “neck and neck with soccer worldwide”. Wrongly. Paul Heyman returns to Raw to read an official statement. Not the last official statement in pro wrestling this week, sadly. Plus, John Laurinaitis: Gaijin Megastar, Cena brings it Via Satellite, Hawkins and Reks Security Co., lots of matches and Ryback swims with dolphins, metaphorically.
RAW SUPERSHOW
– John Laurinaitis came out. He said as leader, he wouldn’t let anyone challenge his authority, not even John Cena. Laurinaitis said when he loses his temper, he goes into a “fit of destruction” that no one could withstand. He managed to call Brock “Brock Cena” in here. Laurinaitis called himself skillful and dangerous, as well as “tough but fair”. He said Cena wouldn’t be there live and wanted Cena to do therapy on his elbow so he’d have no excuses at Over The Limit. But Cena would apologise for making fun of him later. He warned anyone who made fun of his voice would suffer severe consequences. Laurinaitis explained his voice was injured in Japan, but he still became “the biggest superstar in Japanese history”. He showed pictures of himself in Japan with Dr. Death Steve Williams, The Patriot, Akira Taue and Jun Akiyama. He called himself “the Hulk Hogan of Japan”, which was technically Hulk Hogan, as well as Rock and Austin rolled into one. He said John Cena versus Big Johnny would be bigger than Cena-Rock and Cena-Brock and signed off. Great.
– CM Punk interrupted before Laurinaitis could leave. He said Laurinaitis had no clue what the fans wanted, but he’d help him out. They didn’t want to see him. Punk said Laurinaitis put everything behind Lesnar and Cena beat him, that’s why he attacked Cena. He also had the nerve to claim Big Johnny was a joke as a wrestler and that’s why he went to Japan. Punk threw out some wacky insults. Laurinaitis said he’d pummel Punk to the ground, if he’d started training for Cena that is. Instead, he put Punk in a match with Lord Tensai.
– After the break, Laurinaitis ran into Big Show. Literally. Show made fun of Laurinaitis as he walked off and Eve caught him.
– WWE Intercontinental Championship: Big Show d. Cody Rhodes (c) by count out in 1:53. Show dominated from the start and set up for the KO punch, but Cody bailed. And Cody grabbed his belt and ran off to save his belt. Big Show dared him to come back. Instead, Eve (with her music!) came out and told him to apologise. He did but it wasn’t good enough, so Eve made him do it again.
– Dolph Ziggler d. Kofi Kingston in 2:39. A.W, Primo, Epico and Rosa were all watching backstage. Mason Ryan showed up and watched as well for reasons unknown. In the actual match things were fairly even. Swagger tried a distraction which didn’t work, but Ziggler kicked out of the SOS. Vickie then got on the apron and her distraction did work, allowing Swagger to trip Kofi off the ropes and set him up for the Zig Zag.
– Cole, in the ring, did an interview via satellite with Cena. Cena thanked everyone for their concern. He said doctors had recommended he not wrestle, but he’d be ready for Over The Limit. Cena said the Board Of Directors didn’t contact Laurinaitis because they contacted him and he told them not to take any action until after Over The Limit. Cole said he’d been watching tapes of Laurinaitis and suggested Cena was scared. Cena said he was scared Laurinaitis was so bad, he’d hurt himself before he got a chance to. Cena promised to kick his ass in 13 days. This was serious mode Cena.
– Layla and Kelly Kelly d. Natalya and Maxine (Layla pinned Maxine) in 1:05. Beth was on commentary, since Beth is facing Layla at Over The Limit. Kelly pulled Natalya, who I guess must be a heel again, off the apron and Layla beat Maxine with the Lay Out.
– Chris Jericho and Alberto Del Rio d. Sheamus and Randy Orton (Jericho pinned Sheamus) in 9:51. Jericho and Del Rio eventually got control over Sheamus after a rough start. They worked over Sheamus’s injured shoulder, until Sheamus managed to make the tag. Orton made his comeback and set for the RKO, but Jericho’s intervention and Ricardo’s distraction lead to Del Rio cutting him off. Orton was eventually able to tag Sheamus back in to run wild. Jericho and Sheamus came up with counters before Orton gave Del Rio the RKO. But Sheamus accidentally Brogue Kicked Orton and Jericho hit the Codebreaker to pin the World Champion. Sheamus tried to help Orton up afterwards and Orton RKOed him in retaliation.
– Laurinaitis told Eve he thought Big Show’s apology was insincere. Jericho came in demanding a shot at the World Title and Del Rio argued his case. Orton said he deserved a shot as well and it lead to a brawl between the four as Sheamus showed up to even the odds. Jericho and Del Rio escaped and Orton and Sheamus argued over what happened. As a result of all this, Laurinaitis changed the Over The Limit World Title match to a Fatal Four Way.
– Brodus Clay d. The Miz in 4:12. Brodus did an inset promo reminding us about Mother’s Day. Miz then did a promo coming out, moaning about having to face Brodus. Miz managed to get Brodus down and got far more offense on Brodus than anyone since he returned. But Brodus ultimately won with the big splash regardless.
– They announced HHH had tendon and ligament damage as well as a broken arm. They showed him in a business meeting, with a big metal brace on his arm.
– They also said Brock wasn’t there and instead his “legal representatives” had come to the show in his place. That representative was none other than Paul Heyman. Heyman claimed Brock had been mistreated and underappreciated by the WWE audience and management since day one. He said Brock made a few reasonable demands and they were agreed to on live TV. He claimed Brock felt betrayed. Heyman put over Brock’s achievements and above all else, his honesty. Heyman read a prepared statement from Brock, saying HHH was jealous of him and couldn’t last a minute in a fight with him. The statement ended that he was never coming back and he quit.
– Big Show did a skit backstage with guys from the show Common Law. They made fun of Laurinaitis’s voice and Show found it funny, until he realised Eve had caught him, again.
– Two On One Handicap Match: Lord Tensai and Daniel Bryan d. CM Punk in 6:57. Laurinaitis cut off Punk’s entrance and changed the match to a handicap match. Tensai basically softened Punk up for Bryan, who Punk fared better against than Tensai. Punk tried to hit the GTS on Tensai but couldn’t. He then went for the flying elbow, but Bryan crotched him with Sakamoto distracting the ref and Tensai won with his green mist claw slam. Bryan YESed in celebration and put Punk in the YES Lock for good measure.
NXT
– The show started with Striker and Regal addressing the attacks involving Percy Watson and Alex Riley. He said Michael McGillicutty had an alibi and he didn’t believe Percy attacked Riley either. Regal said they’d hired more security on Laurinaitis’s suggestion. Hawkins and Reks came out instead, in suits. They revealed that they were the security and they’d been given a second chance by Laurinaitis. Regal warned them if anything happened, being fired would be the least of their problems.
– Maxine d. Tamina Snuka by submission in 3:50. Maxine, still cuffed to Curtis, tried to play nice claiming she was a new Maxine. Curtis did commentary, weirded out by nice Maxine. Tamina escaped Maxine’s guillotine and went for the splash, but Maxine moved and won with a dragon sleeper. Maxine continued to play nice after the match despite being handcuffed.
– JTG d. Yoshi Tatsu in 3:33. Alicia Fox introduced the new “Foxified” JTG. Basically, he wears regular trunks now. I really don’t see how this is going to help the guy. At least before he had his own look. JTG ducked Yoshi’s roundhouse and won with the Sling Blade. Alicia was happy.
– Reks and Hawkins confronted Curtis and Maxine and offered to put their differences aside. Curtis said last time they worked together ended with him being handcuffed. Hawkins said they were “in” with Laurinaitis and if they didn’t want to be left behind, think about it. Reks said that’s if there was an NXT left. Maxine seemed confused, but Reks and Hawkins clearly knew something. Hmm. They ended up giving Curtis a key to the handcuffs.
– Kaitlyn spoke to Percy backstage. Bateman showed up and said Percy couldn’t be trusted. She accused Bateman of acting like a jerk since he lost on Smackdown. Trouble in paradise. Percy went to talk to Bateman and next thing you know, Bateman had been attacked by someone. A pair of glasses had been left behind. Percy Watson glasses. If it turns out Percy has a split personality and season 2 Percy is his evil alter ego attacking people, I’m all in.
– Percy Watson and Tyson Kidd d. Johnny Curtis and Michael McGillicutty (Percy pinned McGillicutty) in 7:19. Kidd and Percy looked good early and Tyson took both opponents out with a dive. But Curtis tripped Tyson in mid springboard and the heels took over. Percy ran wild on McGillicutty and Tyson took out Curtis. And Percy was able to hit a modified flapjack to get the win. Afterwards, Reks and Hawkins showed up and confronted Percy over the attack on Bateman, dragging him off backstage.
SUPERSTARS
– Drew McIntyre d. Ezekial Jackson in 3:43. Ezekial and the dreaded words “losing streak” have begun being used in the same sentence. Drew was able to wear Zeke down and after blocking the torture rack put another defeat on Zeke’s record with the Future Shock DDT.
– Natalya d. Alicia Fox by submission in 3:38. Natalya certainly seemed like the heel here. Yet Alicia is with JTG on NXT. So I don’t know. Natalya controlled things for a while, but Alicia came back. Alicia went for the scissors kick, but Natalya turned it into the Sharpshooter.
– Hunico d. Tyson Kidd in 7:01. The crowd, in their wisdom, decided to start a “USA” chant here in this match. Camacho’s distraction led to Hunico tripping Tyson on the apron. Hunico landed some big moves, but couldn’t put Tyson away. Lots of action towards the end as Tyson fought back. Hunico countered the Dungeon Lock, but was sent outside. Kidd then dove, but Camacho took the hit and Hunico gave Kidd a neckbreaker outside. Tyson got his knees up on a swanton and put on the Sharpshooter from the mat, but Hunico got the ropes. In the end Hunico countered a springboard into his modified samoan drop for the win. Another strong match from Kidd, who’s having a really good year.
– Santino Marella and Zack Ryder d. Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks (Santino pinned Reks) in 11:35. This was part of Hawkins and Reks’s ‘second chance’. Reks dealt with Santino, who took an atomic drop and immediately tagged out to convalesce. Ryder fared better with Hawkins and it seemed like there was mutual respect, until Hawkins slapped Zack. Santino and Zack worked well and Ryder hit a dive, with Santino chickening out on joining in. Eventually Zack was cut off after Reks countered the Ruff Ryder. Hawkins pulled off a great pele kick at one point. Santino made a big Santinoy comeback for his team. Zack hit the Ruff Ryder on Hawkins and Santino gave Reks the Cobra. This was really good too.
SMACKDOWN
– Randy Orton and Sheamus versus Chris Jericho and Alberto Del Rio went to a no contest. There was tension between Orton and Sheamus after what happened on Raw. Del Rio targetted Orton’s arm. Sheamus came in but Jericho pulled the rope down on him. Jericho then worked Sheamus’s arm. Orton made a comeback but Jericho countered the RKO. Things broke down and the referee just threw things out. All four brawled with referees struggling to gain control.
– AJ d. Kaitlyn in 0:35. AJ attacked immediately and won quick with a shining wizard. AJ continued to attack after the match, bringing out Daniel Bryan. Bryan said he was impressed with how ruthless AJ was and had seen AJ in a new light. AJ looked hopeful and Bryan said he was ready to move on. And after he became WWE Champion at Over The Limit, he was looking forward to moving on. Moving on to Kaitlyn. Bryan laughed and AJ stormed off. Which caused Bryan to shout YES YES YES.
– Daniel Bryan d. Big Show by ‘submission’ in 1:17. Big Show dominated for a while, but Bryan dropkicked the knee out. Bryan applied the YES Lock and the bell rung, signalling the single worst finish in wrestling, the Montreal finish. At least it only went a minute before the bullshit. Laurinaitis, having stopped the match, told Big Show he’d better have a better apology on Raw.
– Ryback d. Heath Slater in 1:18. Slater cut a promo insulting Ryback. Dumb move, Ryback squashed him. Ryback screamed about being a shark swimming with dolphins.
– Antonio Cesaro d. Alex Riley in 2:24. Teddy was forced to do ring introductions. Cesaro had a wacky introduction for him to read, calling him the “rugby baller shot caller”. They explained Cesaro played rugby in France, which makes more sense. Cesaro dominated, but Riley did get some brief offense in late, before Cesaro finished Riley off with the cradle Styles Clash deal. Aksana then informed Teddy that they were still friends, but Antonio and her were lovers. And they made out in front of poor Teddy.
– Randy Orton d. Alberto Del Rio by DQ in 5:18. Since the tag match didn’t work, Eve made two singles matches instead. Del Rio again targetted Orton’s shoulder here. Orton fought back, but Del Rio kept going back to the arm. Orton escaped the armbreaker and DDTed Del Rio out of the corner. As he set up fo the RKO Ricardo tried a crossbody, but got RKOed in mid air. The referee called for the bell but Del Rio posted Orton and put the armbreaker on.
– R-Truth d. Jack Swagger in 3:19. Swagger and Ziggler versus Kofi and Truth was announced for Over The Limit. AW, Rosa, Primo, Epico and Mason were all watching backstage again. Truth hit the Lie Detector but Ziggler grabbed Truth’s leg to distract him. Kofi took out Dolph. Swagger then wiped out Truth, but Kofi gave Swagger Trouble In Paradise from the floor and Truth won with the Little Jimmy.
– Darren Young and Titus O’Neil d. Santino Marella and Zack Ryder (Titus pinned Ryder) in 3:05. Santino and Zack did an inset promo, where they couldn’t agree on their team name. After Santino struggled, Zack came in off the tag. Titus tripped Zack as he came off the ropes. Santino was blindsighted by Young and Zack was finished off with Demolition’s old Decapitation Device. Titus and Darren said they were future Tag Team Champions and did a celebratory song and dance.
– Striker interviewed Damien Sandow. Sandow explained why he didn’t compete last week, saying people only had him to look up to. Suffice to say he did it more justice than that. He then concluded his own interview.
– Brodus Clay d. Hunico in 0:56. Hunico and Camacho jumped Brodus before the match. But Brodus Brodused up and destroyed Hunico, headbutted Camacho and hit the big splash for the pin.
– Chris Jericho d. Sheamus by DQ in 5:46. After Sheamus started strong and sent Jericho crashing into the barricade, Jericho was able to hang up the injured arm to take over. Sheamus came back and countered the Walls, but Jericho got it second time, forcing Sheamus to grab the ropes. Jericho was then sent outside and Del Rio flung him into the steps for the disqualification. Del Rio put the armbreaker on Sheamus but Orton made the save. Sheamus and Orton argued over who got to attack Del Rio and in the midst of that Jericho hit a Codebreaker on Del Rio and snuck back out. Orton then hit an RKO on Alberto, before Sheamus hit a Brogue Kick and the show ended with Orton and Sheamus face to face.