This week: RAW 1000! The Rock! The Undertaker! Shawn Michaels! Brock Lesnar! The New Age Outlaws! Lita! The APA! Vader! Sid! Dude Love! Mr. McMahon! Stephanie McMahon! X-Pac! And, best of all, Damien Sandow’s Raw debut! Plus, Skyping with Charlie Sheen (probably not his first time), CM Punk goes bad, AJ says I Don’t I Don’t I Don’t to Daniel Bryan and HHH and Brock finally seal the deal for Summerslam.
RAW SUPERSHOW
– After a new opening and a rather “mixed” package of Raw moments, Vince McMahon came out. He got a thank you Vince chant and welcomed us to Raw, before bringing out DX. Shawn told HHH there was something missing and they brought out The New Age Outlaws and X-Pac to join them for the pyro theatrics. They managed to get their catchphrases in, before Billy and Shawn argued who’s part the last part actually was. That was cute. But before they could get to do it, Damien Sandow of all people interrupted. Sandow wasn’t impressed with the common degenerates and their sophomoric behaviour. Shawn said he was going straight home to church to beg for forgiveness. Sandow said he understood they could destroy him, but if they did, he would be a martyr for sophisticated minds. DX had a huddle to figure out what they were going to do. Sandow tried to join the huddle, finding it rude that he was left out. Shawn gave him the superkick and HHH gave him the Pedigree, allowing Billy to get his part of the routine in.
– Sheamus, Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara d. Chris Jericho, Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio (Sheamus pinned Jericho) in 4:19. JR came out to join commentary for this match. Thankfully Cole was in bearable mode for this show. Sin Cara was worked over, before getting the tag to Sheamus. Rey took Del Rio out. Sheamus escaped the Walls and countered the Codebreaker, but missed the Brogue Kick. But Ziggler hit Jericho as he tried a springboard dropkick and Sheamus won with the Brogue Kick.
– Cole and Lawler spoke to Charlie Sheen on Skype. No, seriously, they did.
– Backstage AJ was speaking to Layla about the wedding. Layla asked if she was sure about going through with it. AJ couldn’t understand why people kept asking her that, or why people singled her out as unstable. To prove her point, she opened the door and the first person to walk past was Hacksaw Duggan. Then, Roddy Piper and R-Truth were playing jumprope with Little Jimmy. And finally, Mae Young’s grown up hand child introduced himself. Point proven.
– Brodus Clay d. Jack Swagger in 0:17. Brodus brought Dude Love out to be in his corner. One suplex and a splash finished off Swagger and then everybody danced. Dude Love used a tye dye Mr Socko on Swagger for further insult to injury.
– HHH was with Trish Stratus backstage, where she was trying to convince him yoga was for him. The rest of DX walked in, with him in a compromising position. HHH tried to convince them it wasn’t what it looked like. X-Pac stayed behind with Trish.
– Daniel Bryan was backstage, talking to the men in white coats. This seemed fairly self explanatory, but if anyone is still confused, I don’t know what to tell you.
– The wedding was up next. King introduced Reverend Slick to preside over the wedding. Which meant we got to hear Jive Soul Bro. Bryan, look all good weddings, came out to his theme music. Bryan’s battle to keep a straight face during Slick’s speech was a highlight. A lot of people spoke now rather than forever holding their piece, which Slick pointed out. But, as has been proven, fans at wrestling shows don’t count during that part. The crowd chanted NO. Bryan professed his love and said once the ring was on AJ’s finger, a new chapter would begin for both of them and he’d have everything he ever wanted. Bryan and AJ both said YES. But before Slick could announce them man and wife, AJ said she was saying YES to someone else who’d made a proposal. No Chance In Hell hit which got an amazing reaction. Vince said it wasn’t that kind of proposal though and announced AJ was the new Raw General Manager. AJ walked out on Bryan, who freaked out.
– Worse was to come for Bryan, as CM Punk showed up with him refusing to leave the ring. Punk said it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. He told Bryan to continue throwing a fit, while he continued being WWE Champion and best in the world. Bryan, still using his wedding microphone, said he was better than Punk and he was the greatest star of all time. That brought out The Rock. Rock said the fans got to say who the greatest was. Bryan tried to cut Rock off, which he didn’t like. Rock called Bryan “Frodo” and turned his attention to the WWE Championship. He announced he’d be challenging the WWE Champion, whoever it is, at the Royal Rumble. Punk said he’d be champion, he’d beat Cena tonight and he couldn’t wait to beat Rock too. Rock said he’d be the next champion. Bryan interjected with NOs, angry that the greatest night of his life had been ruined. He claimed someway, somehow, he’d face Rock as WWE Champion and as the face of WWE. Rock called him an oompa loompa. He said he had a wedding gift anyway and gave him the Rock Bottom.
– WWE Intercontinental Championship: The Miz d. Christian (c) in 4:25 to win the title. Bret Hart was the special guest ring announcer. He put over winning his first Intercontinental Title against Mr Perfect. They said this was the 66th Intercontinental Title match on Raw, which doesn’t seem like a lot really. I’d have taken the over on that number. Christian hurt his knee on a crossbody to the floor and Miz targetted it. Christian fought through it and the match was back and forth towards the end. In the end Miz escaped the Killswitch and Christian tweaked his knee landing out of a back suplex, leaving him vulnerable for the Skull Crushing Finale.
– Charlie Sheen insulted Daniel Bryan.
– HHH came back out, sans DX, to call Brock Lesnar out. Paul Heyman came out instead. Heyman said no to the match at Summerslam again. HHH threatened to go back and find Brock, but Heyman asked if he wanted a third lawsuit. HHH called Brock a coward. Heyman made fun of him for name calling and asked if he’d teach his children about that, which got HHH hot. This brought out Stephanie. She warned him not to speak about her children again and said he was just trying to mask his business failures. She claimed Heyman’s kids were ashamed of him and slapped him. Heyman got mad and accepted the match on Brock’s behalf. He quickly realised he’d done exactly what Stephanie wanted and started goading her, so Stephanie attacked him. Brock then showed up and brawled with HHH. HHH clotheslined Lesnar out of the ring and Lesnar decided not to get back in.
– Santino and Hornswoggle came out, handing out new wrestling buddies.
– No Disqualification No Countout Match: Lita d. Heath Slater in 1:54. Howard Finkel was ring announcer for this match. Slater said all people would remember was his victory tonight and challenged anyone to a No DQ match. He accepted Lita’s challenge, but once the bell rang, Lita told Heath she’d hired some “protection” for the night, The APA. Slater tried to run, but he was cut off by Doink, DDP, Sid, Animal, Vader, Bob Backlund, Rikishi, Roddy Piper and Sgt Slaughter. They threw him back in the ring, Lita hit a Twist Of Fate and Bradshaw obliterated Heath with the Clothesline From Hell to set up the moonsault. Faarooq then said DAMN and everybody celebrated.
– Sean Mooney interviewed Daniel Bryan. Bryan was appalled that he was insulted by Charlie Sheen. Bryan claimed if Charlie Sheen were stood in front of him right now, he’d put him in the YES Lock.
– Fozzie Bear presented a a montage of great catchphrases from Raw’s history.
– Backstage, Zack Ryder accused Mene Gene of being behind GTV. Gene pointed out he wasn’t even working there at the time. Cena wasn’t convinced. The Rock walked up and wished Cena good luck. Cena said since he’d be the WWE Champion, that meant he’d get one more shot at Rock at Royal Rumble. Rock said he was looking forward to it.
– Kane came out for a match, but Jinder Mahal interrupted, backed up by Hawkins and Reks, Hunico and Camacho and Drew McIntyre. Jinder was mad they’d been given no opportunities, so tonight they’d take their own. Their run as Nexus 2.0 was short-lived, as The Undertaker made the (very slow) save. Hawkins and Hunico ate Chokeslams and Tombstones.
– Cole and Lawler discussed what Daniel Bryan said with Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen said he wasn’t a hard guy to find and told Bryan to find him next time he was in LA. Cole pointed out next time they were in LA was Summerslam.
– WWE Championship: John Cena d. CM Punk (c) by DQ in 11:14. Punk offered a handshake to start. Duelling chants for Cena. Things started out evenly and with mat wrestling. It broke down into an exchange of strikes and Cena won out, but Punk soon turned things around and a roundhouse kick laid Cena out. Cena escaped the GTS and threw Punk into the referee, then hit the AA, but with nobody to count. Big Show ran in and speared Cena, then delivered the KO punch. Punk watched all this happen and looked conflicted, but revived the referee and made the cover, only for Cena to kick out. Cena countered the GTS into an STF, but Big Show returned and attacked Cena.
– Big Show attacked and Punk was reluctant to help Cena. Instead, The Rock ran out and made the save as Punk apparently left. Rock gave Big Show a spinebuster and set up for the People’s Elbow, but Punk slid back in and cut him off with a clothesline. Punk then gave Rock the GTS as well, to plenty of boos and some very scattered applause, before taking his WWE Title and leaving, emotionless.
NXT
– Michael McGillicutty and Johnny Curtis d. Bo Dallas and Derrick Bateman (Curtis pinned Bateman) in 4:05. Bo was cut off after getting caught up in the opponent’s corner. Curtis and McGillicutty worked well and Regal really seems to like them as a team. In the end Bateman got the tag and ran wild, but a trip from McGillicutty lead to Curtis winning with the falcon arrow.
– Antonio Cesaro d. Alex Riley in 5:12. JR was on commentary for this. Cesaro roughed Riley up for a while, before Riley fought back. Cesaro escaped the TKO by grabbing the ear and Aksana distracted, leaving Riley prone for a rugby tackle. And Cesaro won with the Neutraliser.
– Briley Pierce interviewed Kassius Ohno. Kassius said there were some athletic guys in NXT, but he brought an element of danger. He said he was the most dangerous man in sports entertainment and he enjoyed inflicting pain.
– Striker interviewed Drew. He claimed people were saying his time had passed and now they were talking about people like Seth Rollins. Drew said tonight the talking ends.
– Sofia Cortez d. Natalya by count out in 3:16. Natalya played veteran heel here. Both tried a number of roll ups, which lead to Natalya being kicked out of the ring. Annoyed by this, Natalya decided she hated Sofia and wasn’t going to get back in the ring. Natalya then attacked and put Sofia in the Sharpshooter after the match. This was more effective than it probably reads.
– The Ascension d. Garrett Dylan and Dante Dash (Conor pinned Dash) in 1:48. Ascension completely dominated Dash, not even letting Dylan tag in and won with Total Elimination.
– Drew McIntyre d. Seth Rollins in 5:02. JR was back for this match too. Rollins wiped out Drew with a dive. After a double clothesline Drew showed off by nipping up, but Seth matched him and hit an enziguri. Rollins almost won with a seated superkick, but missed a pheonix splash. He managed to roll through but ran into a boot, followed by the Future Shock DDT.
SUPERSTARS
– Sin Cara d. Drew McIntyre in 6:46. Rematch from last week. Sin Cara gave Drew the run around early, but caught on a dive and given a shoulder breaker on the edge of the ring apron. Drew worked over the arm from that point. Sin Cara was able to string together some offense, until Drew dropkicked him in mid air. Drew then set up for a powerbomb, but Sin Cara countered with a hurricanrana to snatch the win. Solid match.
– Justin Gabriel and Tyson Kidd d. Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks (Kidd pinned Reks) in 5:25. Hawkins and Reks isolated Gabriel, after a clothesline on the floor from Reks. Kidd fought back off the tag and assisted Gabriel in a somersault dive on Hawkins. A blockbuster then finished off Reks.
– Zack Ryder d. Michael McGillicutty in 6:00. McGillicutty soon took over and grounded Zack. But Zack made a comeback, going on to win with the Ruff Ryder from the middle rope.
SMACKDOWN
– The Miz came out, with his newly won Intercontinental Title. He thanked Christian’s fans for voting for him to defend his title on Raw. That brought Christian out. Christian said he was envoking his rematch clause right now.
– WWE Intercontinental Championship: The Miz (c) d. Christian in 10:38. After an even start Miz was able to take control and backdropped Christian to the floor. Miz blocked the frog splash with his knees, but Christian kicked out. Christian was finally able to get back into things and got a few near falls, before setting up the Killswitch. Miz escaped and almost won with his DDT. In the end Miz snuck out of the ring to avoid a Spear, both escaped each other’s finishers, before Miz poked Christian in the eye and stole the win, with a quick roll up with the tights. Good match.
– Ryback d. Jinder Mahal by count out in 2:44. Mahal got entirely too much offense here. Although, anything would have been too much. Ryback powered out of the camel clutch and deliver a chinbreaker. But Jinder avoided his clothesline and took the count out. Why?
– Sheamus showed up in Bryan’s locker room. He goaded him over everything that happened on Raw. He gave him a belated present, for his wedding night. Bryan wasn’t impressed with the wrapping job and less impressed with Sheamus’s book entitled “How To Last More Than 18 Seconds” with a picture of him getting Brogue Kicked on the cover.
– Sheamus d. Cody Rhodes in 9:38. Cody wasn’t happy about an elbow he took in the first seconds of the match and took a walk. Sheamus was strong to start. But Cody countered a suplex to the floor and pushed Sheamus into the post. Sheamus just beat the count, at which point Dolph Ziggler came out to watch, teasing a cash in. Sheamus fought back and avoided a moonsault from Cody. Advantage swung at the end, with Cody getting a near fall with a Disaster Kick. Sheamus countered a second one into the White Noise and won with the Brogue Kick. Dolph contemplated cashing in afterwards anyway, but thought better of it. Chris Jericho ran out and threw Ziggler back inside and Sheamus hit a Brogue Kick. For some reason, Jericho was wearing a Ziggler Show Off t-shirt. Jericho gave Ziggler a Codebreaker as well.
– Antonio Cesaro d. Santino Marella in 2:05. Cesaro used Aksana as a distraction to take control. Santino recovered and set up the Cobra and scared off Aksana with it. But Cesaro gave Santino a hot shot and the Neutraliser. They teased Cesaro was after the US Title now. These two were a much better match for each other than you’d think.
– Damien Sandow d. Yoshi Tatsu in 1:17. Sandow was still annoyed about what DX did and attacked Yoshi outside, before finishing him with the cross arm neckbreaker. After the match, Sandow said he was a martyr and we were welcome.
– World Title #1 Contendership, Fatal Four Way: Alberto Del Rio d. Rey Mysterio, Daniel Bryan and Kane in 9:43. Bryan hit a dive on Kane and Rey on Del Rio in the opening moments. Which cleared the way for some Bryan and Rey interaction. Del Rio cut off a 619. Kane started dominating everybody, giving Rey and Bryan a double suplex. Del Rio got the cross armbreaker on Bryan, but Rey made the save with a flying legdrop. All four guys had their moments on top, before Bryan got the YES Lock on Del Rio. Del Rio was about to tap, but Kane grabbed his hand to prevent it. Kane Chokeslammed Del Rio, but Rey saved. Bryan sent Kane over the barrier with a knee off the apron. Rey then gave Del Rio and Bryan a double 619 and splashed Bryan. But Ricardo pulled Rey out of the ring and Del Rio stole the pin. This was all action.