This Week In WWE TV – December 3-9, 2012

This week: A few days late, so cast your minds back even further this time. I’m sure it’s all still as relevant as it was a week ago. So, Punk versus Ryback at TLC? Yes? No? Okay, nevermind.

RAW

– Team Hell No! d. The Primetime Players (Bryan pinned Young) in 8:24. Bryan and Kane noticed The Shield watching from the crowd before the match and dared them to fight, but they declined. The PTP have, disappointingly, got new music. The Shield got closer and closer to the ring throughout the match. Young tried to take advantage but Bryan countered his roll up for the pin. Ambrose and Reigns attacked Kane, while Rollins jumped Bryan. They injured Kane’s arm, then gave Bryan the triple powerbomb.

– Sheamus and Cena spoke backstage. Sheamus made a Father Ted reference, which was the most important thing. But the other thing was they were in a tag team match later.

– AJ d. Tamina Snuka in 3:20. After Tamina dominated, she was surprised with a roll up for the pin.

– Punk and Heyman came out. Heyman pointed out Punk would surpass Cena as the longest reigning champion of the modern era by midnight the next night. Punk said his face should be on WWE’s Mount Rushmore. He complained about being booked against Ryback and ranted at the crowd. Punk said nobody would be there if not for him. He also called 3 hour Raws dismal. He claimed he had nothing to do with Maddox or The Shield and dared people to turn over and leave the building. Miz interrupted and challenged Punk to take a lie detector test. Punk thought this was ridiculous, but ended up agreeing.

– John Cena and Sheamus d. Big Show and Dolph Ziggler (Cena pinned Ziggler) in 9:05. Cena and Sheamus dealt with Ziggler early, but had more trouble with Big Show. Cena was worked over first, before Sheamus came in and went at Big Show, before being speared in mid air from the top rope. He eventually got the tag back to Cena who ran wild. Sheamus ended up hitting the White Noise, while Cena hit the AA on Ziggler at the same time.

– Damien Sandow came out to beg our indulgence. He continued his search for an apprentice. He brought a fan into the ring and asked him three qualifying questions. The fan failed to identify that John Keats wrote “much have I travelled in the land of gold”. Sandow gave him a parting gift. It was a quote from Damien Sandow, “ignorance is cureable, but stupid is forever”. Santino showed up and asked Sandow a question. Sort of. Sandow laid Santino out, which made him mad.

– Damien Sandow d. Santino Marella in 2:43. Santino had a brief flurry, but Sandow ran from the Cobra and avoided a headbutt before hitting Terminus.

– Backstage Ziggler complained to Vickie about Big Show. Vickie said she was losing faith. He wanted another match with Cena at TLC and Vickie agreed. Ziggler went to hug her and Vickie decided it best not to. Vickie then went into her office and found Brad Maddox. Maddox petitioned for a contract and Vickie agreed to give him a match.

– Alberto Del Rio d. Sin Cara by submission in 9:26. Alberto lost to Cena on Smackdown. So, as is rule, he had to beat Sin Cara ASAP to make up for it. Such is the rule of WWE. He tapped him out with the cross armbreaker, although Sin Cara made it competitive and worth watching at least.

– Mr McMahon showed up and had Vickie join him in the ring. Vince convinced Vickie to add a stipulation to Cena and Ziggler. She suggested no disqualifications and Vince pointed out the show was TLC. He coaxed her into making it a ladder match, with Ziggler’s briefcase on the line. He also got her to say that if Punk was proven to be a liar, Heyman would have to face Ryback in a match.

– Randy Orton d. Brad Maddox in 1:15. Poor Brad didn’t last long before getting RKOed. The Shield jumped Orton after the match however and triple powerbombed him.

– Ziggler and Vickie argued over the ladder match. Heyman then appeared and got in an uncomfortably long stare off with Vickie. He left and Cena arrived just to make her feel even worse.

– WWE United States Championship, Fatal Four Way: Antonio Cesaro (c) d. Kofi Kingston, Wade Barrett and R-Truth in 9:23. Teddy came out and changed the match from a tag team match, which convinces me WWE knows about the whole Teddy Long tag team match meme thing and is having fun with it. They had a Raw Active vote to see who’d defend their title and Cesaro ‘won’. Truth and Kofi went at it at one point, in friendly fashion. Cesaro gave Kofi a mid air uppercut coming off the steps in one of the highlights. In the end Wade gave Truth the Bull Hammer, Kofi hit Wade with Trouble In Paradise, but Cesaro deadlifted Kofi into a winning Neutraliser.

– Miz brought out Punk for the lie detector test. Punk ran Miz down. A lot. After some fairly antagonising questions, Punk was asked if he thought he could beat Ryback by himself, which set off the detector. Punk asked how he could be lying about an opinion. Fair point. When Miz finally asked about Maddox and The Shield, The Shield ran in and attacked Miz. They hit the triple powerbomb before Team Hell No came out. Ryback then evened the odds and The Shield were beaten through the crowd. Punk disposed of Miz and celebrated, but Ryback reappeared and hit Shell Shocked. He hit Punk with a ladder, then a chair, then powerbombed him through a table.

MAIN EVENT

– Josh interviewed Kofi, who talked about being intense now. Cesaro then did a promo before the match saying he was still champion despite everyone’s efforts on Monday and said it was the United States Of Antonio now.

– Kofi Kingston d. Antonio Cesaro in 4:35. Barrett and Truth both did commentary. Kofi hit a dive and teased getting into it with Wade, allowing Cesaro to take control. Kofi came back and set up Trouble In Paradise, but Wade interfered for the DQ. Truth jumped in too, before Truth challenged them to a tag match.

– Kofi Kingston and R-Truth d. Antonio Cesaro and Wade Barrett (Truth pinned Cesaro) in 11:09. The former champions did well early, before Kofi was cut off. He managed to tag Truth, who was then cheapshotted outside. Kofi finally made a comeback for his team. And after Truth gave Wade the Little Jimmy, a blind tag allowed Truth to sunset flip Cesaro as he went for the Neutraliser, aided by a Trouble In Paradise from Kofi. Striker interviewed them afterwards and they both vowed victory at TLC.

NXT

– Antonio Cesaro d. Michael McGillicutty in 6:01. McGillicutty was working face here. He even played up to the SHAHing. Cesaro worked the ribs and after McGillicutty mounted a fight back, a pop up uppercut set up the Neutraliser.

– Bo Dallas d. Axl Keegan in 2:38. After a routine win with a spear, Bo issued an open challenge to anybody in WWE.

– Corey Graves d. Yoshi Tatsu by submission in 2:56. Graves attacked Yoshi before the match even started. He went after Yoshi’s knee leading to a win with the 13th Step. They kept calling Corey “naughty”, which should really be reserved for describing women or children. It just sounds odd.

– Roman Reigns d. Gavin Reid in 2:09. Reigns squashed Reid with ease. He then punked out Byron just for kicks.

– Kidd was interviewed backstage. Kidd talked about wanting to be NXT Champion, which prompted Ohno into interrupting. He told Kidd to watch out and Kidd didn’t seem overly concerned.

– Tyson Kidd d. Leo Kruger by submission in 9:05. A missed crossbody by Tyson gave Kruger the advantage. Tyson made a spirited comeback but Kruger blocked a springboard elbow. Kidd managed to take Kruger out with a kick from the apron though and applied his Dungeon Lock submission, which Kruger tapped to immediately. After the match Ohno attacked Kidd and it turned into a two on one, until Regal, from the commentary booth, pulled an injured Kidd from the ring and helped him out.

SUPERSTARS

– Tensai d. Zack Ryder in 6:28. Normally it doesn’t bode well to be either of these two, so at least they had a fighting chance here. Zack mounted some offense toward the end and hit his boot from the apron, after one in the corner was countered. But Tensai survived and countered the Ruff Ryder into a choke bomb, then hit a senton for the pin.

– Brodus Clay d. David Otunga in 2:44, with Great Khali as the referee. Yes Khali was the referee here, because, well, why the hell not? Hornswoggle was timekeeper and Natalya joined commentary because, again, why not I guess? Brodus did some Gangnam Style in his entrance. Natalya claimed Khali was a ring technician like Stu Hart. Smith Hart was referenced. Khali tried to referee the match as normal, but neither Brodus or Otunga could understand what he was saying. Rosa came out with flowers and started hitting Hornswoggle. I swear all of this happened. Natalya attacked Rosa, while Brodus beat Otunga with the big splash and Khali counted the pin standing up. Then the faces danced with some children. This was something.

SMACKDOWN

– Booker announced he was going to have Sheamus and Big Show sign a no contact clause before TLC. He told them if either disobeyed it, they’d lose either their title shot or the title itself. Sheamus said beating Show would be worth the wait and signed. Big Show said he should be careful what he wished for because he could end his career with a chair. Show tipped the table over on Sheamus and signed before Sheamus could retaliate. Booker then put them both in matches.

– Big Show d. Daniel Bryan in 6:56. Bryan tried to put up a fight but was overwhelmed at every turn. When Bryan did build some momentum, The Shield then showed up. The distraction allowed Show to hit a Chokeslam for the win. The Shield attacked Bryan after the match. Kane tried to make the save, but The Shield beat him down and hit the triple powerbomb through the announce table.

– Sandow came out, still in search of his apprentice. He quizzed someone from the crowd, but he didn’t know that Vanitas was a 17th century genre of art from The Netherlands focused on still life paintings depicting mortality and transience and was rightfully dismissed. Miz interrupted and made fun of Sandow, so I guess that’s a thing now.

– 3MB d. Brodus Clay and The Usos (Drew pinned Jimmy) in 2:34. 3MB had their problems, particularly with Brodus. But after Brodus was taken out, Slater’s distraction lead to Drew crotching Jimmy and hitting the Future Shock.

– Striker interviewed Wade. Wade said Orton should worry about him tonight, not The Shield.

– Randy Orton d. Wade Barrett in 7:17. Kofi did commentary. Wade countered an RKO and tried to expose the turnbuckle but Kofi put a stop to it. And a distracted Wade suffered an RKO for the pin.

– Great Khali and Hornswoggle d. Primo and Epico (Hornswoggle pinned Epico) in 2:54. More absurdity here, as Hornswoggle tripped Rosa and Natalya and Rosa had another catfight. Hornswoggle got bullied a bit until Khali made the save. And an overhand chop set Epico up for the Tadpole Splash.

– A Shield promo aired. It was done on a handheld camera with NWO style cuts. It ended with Ambrose inviting Ryback, Bryan and Kane to bring tables ladders and chairs because The Shield would bring a sword.

– Cesaro called America weak. He said people used to pursue the American Dream, now they just look like him. Truth interrupted and stood up for ‘Murica. Cesaro called him delusional and a failure, so Truth attacked and sent Cesaro and his man purse out for cover.

– Sheamus d. Alberto Del Rio by submission in 9:10. Big Show came out to watch from the stage. Alberto went after Sheamus’s arm, before Sheamus fought back and won with the Cloverleaf. Afterwards Big Show dared Sheamus to hit him. So Sheamus grabbed Ricardo and threw him head first into Big Show’s, well, ‘groin’.