This Week In WWE TV – December 31-January 6, 2012/13

This week: 2012 ends and 2013 begins, with a boatload of championship matches and, just under the wire, the yearly ‘angle that involves fake excrement of some description’. Such is the erratic nature of WWE. Plus, Randy Orton returns even though you didn’t know he was gone, The Shield arrive on NXT and can Antonio Cesaro lift The Great Khali (spoiler, yes he can).

NEW YEAR’S EVE RAW

– Raw started with MizTV, with Cena as guest. Thankfully, mercifully, Sandow and Cody were around to interrupt this. They bantered back and forth and it lead to Cena challenging them to a tag team match.

– John Cena and The Miz d. Team Rhodes Scholars (Cena pinned Sandow) in 9:02. Hands up if you remember when Cena and Miz were tag team champions together. Cody and Sandow got the advantage on Miz, but Cena made his big comeback and after a Skull Crushing Finale to Cody, Cena beat Sandow with the AA.

– There was a party backstage since it was New Year’s. Ziggler showed up and wanted to let bygones be bygones with Vickie. Vickie put him in a match with Sheamus. Later Punk and Heyman arrived at the party and wanted chance to explain his injury. Vickie put Ryback in a handicap match with The Shield on Punk’s suggestion.

– WWE United States Championship: Antonio Cesaro (c) d. Sgt Slaughter in 1:50 to retain the title. The show was “Champion’s Choice”, which meant all the champions got to choose their challengers for the night. Cesaro won easily here with the Neutraliser after surviving the cobra clutch. He then hit a second Neutraliser after the match.

– Kane and Bryan spoke backstage about who they’d be facing tonight, but were interrupted by the sound of screeching from the locker room next to them. It was 3MB rehearsing. Bryan and Kane got an idea.

– At the party, Big Show offered Ricardo a shot at the World Title. Ricardo didn’t seem keen but Big Show said it was his choice and he’d been chosen. Mae Young arrived and Eve decided to chose Mae since she’d beaten everyone else.

– WWE Tag Team Championships: Team Hell No! d. Drew McIntyre and Heath Slater of 3MB (Bryan pinned Drew) in 6:08. 3MB cut off Bryan briefly, with a little help from Jinder outside. Kane then through them with ease and hit a chokeslam, before tagging in Bryan for the flying headbutt. They’re still getting along.

– Punk and Heyman came out with Punk’s doctor. Punk bragged about his 2012 and said he was a fighting champion. The doctor showed x-rays of Punk’s knee to confirm he was actually injured. Punk said he could beat Ryback even with one leg. The doctor interrupted and said he couldn’t allow Punk to compete. Mr McMahon interrupted and accused Punk of trying to weasel out. He said Punk’d be judged by WWE doctors next week and when Heyman got mad, Vince said if he couldn’t compete, Heyman would replace him.

– Sheamus d. Dolph Ziggler by DQ in 9:47. Big E saved Ziggler from the forearms early on. After a fairly even match Sheamus hit White Noise, but as he set up the Brogue Kick, Big E provided a distraction. Sheamus threw Ziggler outside but Big E managed to catch him. Ziggler bailed and Big E teased going after Sheamus, but The Shield ran in and jumped Sheamus. They hit the triple team powerbomb and stood tall.

– Barrett ran into Kofi and dared him to be a man and pick him to face tonight. Kofi said he’d already beaten Wade at TLC and he’d beat him again tonight.

– Maddox interrupted Punk and Heyman, offering to help them out. They weren’t interested and Heyman told him to get out.

– They set up that Mae couldn’t compete for the Divas Title because she was pregnant again. No, really. So Eve wanted the win by forfeit, but Kaitlyn ran out and attacked her. No match ever started and Eve eventually escaped Kaitlyn.

– Del Rio spoke with Ricardo. Ricardo said he’d win the title in Alberto’s honour. Alberto apologised for treating him like dirt and promised to be at Ricardo’s side. He even offered Ricardo his scarf and the keys to his car. Aww.

– World Championship: Big Show d. Ricardo Rodriguez by DQ in 2:26. Ricardo entered in Alberto’s car and competed in his suit. Low Ki who? Big Show abused Ricardo for a while as you’d expect. But Alberto’s distraction actually allowed Ricardo to put up a fight. Briefly that is. Big Show recovered and set up the KO punch but Alberto jumped in for the save. Alberto hit Show with a superkick and helped Ricardo out.

– WWE Intercontinental Championship: Wade Barrett d. Kofi Kingston (c) in 7:29 to win the title. Kofi started hot and Wade avoided an early Trouble In Paradise attempt. Wade was able to ground Kofi for a bit before Kofi hit a dive. Both scored some near falls, before finally Barrett avoided a crossbody and hit the Bull Hammer, which is apparently just a regular short arm elbow now, for the win. After

– There were stupid skits with Mae ‘giving birth’. Avoid.

– The handicap match with Ryback and The Shield never got started either, as The Shield attacked Ryback during his entrance. Sheamus ran out to help Ryback. He was soon beaten down too, but Orton evened the odds and The Shield were cleared from the ring.

– Ziggler and AJ hosted their own New Year’s celebration in the ring, with Big E there too. They were both wearing white, which was an immediate warning sign. Ziggler ran down all of Cena’s failings during 2012 like losing to Rock, losing Money In The Back and even losing to Laurinaitis. He announced Cena was uninvited to their toast and sent Big E out to stand guard. Cena came out anyway. He admitted he didn’t have a great year. He proceeded to show some not great joke photos. Cena eventually announced he was entering the Royal Rumble and would win the WWE Title in 2013. Then he dropped some poop on the ring because poop is funny I guess? Cena was at his worst here.

MAIN EVENT

– Cesaro complained about his American made highlight package before the match, asking where the nuance, the orchestra and the sophistication was. Miz insulted Cesaro. After a video for Khali, Striker tried to interview him. Hornswoggle and Natalya pysched him up. Natalya claimed Khali reminded her of Bret. Cesaro looked bemused, as Khali told everyone they stressed too much and left chanting USA.

– WWE United States Championship: Antonio Cesaro (c) d. Great Khali in 8:08 to retain the title. All Khali to start. Hornswoggle and Natalya got involved as well. Cesaro managed to get Khali down and work over the leg. Khali fought back briefly, but Cesaro ducked the big chop and knocked Khali down with a springboard uppercut. Cesaro then got Khali up for an impressive Neutraliser for the clean win. As Khali matches go this was perfect.

– Striker interviewed Cesaro in the ring afterwards. Cesaro said it wasn’t about him hating America, it was about him being superior to all Americans. He called out Miz and Miz stood up for America.

– Gauntlet Match: Wade Barrett d. Yoshi Tatsu in 0:13.

Wade Barrett d. JTG in 2:07.

Wade Barrett d. Justin Gabriel in 6:12.

Kofi Kingston d. Wade Barrett in 0:46.

Kofi did commentary. Wade and Kofi had some words before the match which ended with Wade issuing an open challenge gauntlet. He beat Yoshi almost immediately with an elbow. JTG lasted a little longer and had at least a little success before getting a Bull Hammer. Gabriel ran wild when he came in and put up by far the best fight, having a competitive match, before Barrett hit a Bull Hammer. Kofi was a surprise last competitor and ran through an unprepared Wade quick, winning with Trouble In Paradise.

NXT

– The show started abruptly with The Shield, in their first NXT appearance together, attacking two wrestlers. Dusty came out and The Shield said they were taking over NXT to go with Raw and Smackdown. Dusty put Rollins in a match with Graves. Ambrose warned Dusty nobody told them what to do but Dusty said if Rollins didn’t compete he’d be stripped of the title. Rollins agreed to compete but told Dusty to be careful what he wished for.

– Bo Dallas d. Epico in 5:06. Bo apparently ‘enjoys pain’ now. Epico controlled things but Bo fired up and came back to win with the spear. After the match Primo and Epico went after Bo but McGillicutty ran them off.

– Tamina Snuka d. Sasha Banks in 2:48. Tamina dominated and won with the superfly splash.

– Kassius Ohno and Leo Kruger d. Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel (Kruger pinned Gabriel) in 8:03. The fact this started with Kidd and Ohno earns automatic bonus points. Kidd and Gabriel started strong with double teams, until Tyson was cut off. Kidd managed to tag Gabriel who ran wild. But Kruger was able to catch him with a face first neckbreaker for the pin. Fun match, abrupt finish.

– NXT Championship: Corey Graves d. Seth Rollins (c) by DQ in 4:42 to retain the title. Seeing Rollins in Shield mode but as NXT Champion was a bit strange. It also made the dynamic of the match a bit strange too, with two heels. Graves clipped the knee and went for the 13th Step but Ambrose and Reigns made the save. Dusty sent out the locker room, but The Shield fought everyone off and gave the triple powerbomb to Dallas. As they stood tall, Big E Langston came out. As Big E got in the ring The Shield left, so Dusty booked Rollins against Langston next week for the title.

SUPERSTARS

– The Usos d. The Prime Time Players (Jimmy pinned Titus) in 8:01. PTP struggled early and were taken out with a dive by Jimmy. They regrouped and worked on Jey. Jimmy ran wild until Titus cut him off and randomly decided to do the millions of dollars dance with the referee against his will in an undoubted highlight. That distraction allowed the Usos to switch however and they hit stereo superfly splashes for the win.

– Brodus Clay d. Primo in 3:26. Primo got Brodus down briefly, but it didn’t do him much good as Brodus won with the big splash.

SMACKDOWN

– Orton came out in his bi-monthly “return to Smackdown”. Orton said he wanted the World Title again and announced he was entering the Royal Rumble. Sheamus interrupted and did the exact same thing. He thanked Orton for helping him out on Raw, but Orton said he attacked The Shield for himself not for Sheamus. They exchanged some words over the Rumble which got a little more threatening until Big Show showed up. Show said if either won the Rumble, all they’d earn is a KO. Cesaro then interrupted. As he was running down the crowd and talked about “obese Americans” the camera cut to Show looking pissed, which was funny. This all lead to Booker coming out and making a tag match.

– The Miz d. Heath Slater in 12:23. Miz had the better of things until Drew and Jinder got involved. The referee threw both out, so Slater had to get the advantage on his own after Miz posted his shoulder. Slater worked the arm and the crowd seemed to start getting into Miz. Miz hung in and eventually got the win with the Skull Crushing Finale.

– Striker interviewed Wade. Wade claimed Kofi attacked him from behind on Main Event and promised he’d beat him again tonight and leave him out of options.

– Great Khali, Hornswoggle and Natalya d. Primo, Epico and Rosa Mendes (Khali pinned Epico) in 4:04. Epico wanted no part of Khali. Primo and Epico had a few problems with Hornswoggle’s antics before Khali beat Epico with the big chop.

– Striker interviewed Kofi. Kofi admitted this might be his last shot but he’d come out fighting.

– WWE Intercontinental Championship: Wade Barrett (c) d. Kofi Kingston in 13:15 to retain the title. Wade teased taking a count out loss at one point before taking control. Kofi fought back at the end but Wade avoided Trouble In Paradise. After some close falls Kofi finally hit Trouble In Paradise second time but Barrett fell outside. And by the time Kofi rolled him back inside Wade was able to grab the ropes at 2. Wade then caught Kofi coming off the ropes with the elbow for the win.

– Tamina Snuka d. Layla in 3:07. Tamina dominated and won with the superfly splash.

– Sheamus and Randy Orton d. Big Show and Antonio Cesaro (Sheamus pinned Cesaro) in 10:36. Sheamus and Orton fared well early on as a team. Sheamus was eventually cut off by a Big Show spear. Sheamus kicked out of a chokeslam before ducking the KO punch and hitting the Brogue Kick. A pair of tags saw Orton begin to make a comeback on Cesaro. Sheamus tagged himself in though, to Orton’s annoyance. Sheamus set up a Brogue Kick, but Orton ran in and RKOed Cesaro first which left Sheamus to, reluctantly, make the pin off of Orton’s work. A much better way of doing the “partner steals the pin” finish.