This week, the list officially begins. We take a look at the bottom 50 matches, featuring all your favorites. DAVID SAMMARTINO! GIANT GONZALES! CHYNA! THE UNDERTAKER… TWICE! Ultimo Dragon?
Without any further adieu, this is the worst match in the history of Wrestlemania history.
252. David Sammartino (w/Bruno Sammartino) fought Brutus Beefcake (w/Johnny Valiant) to a double-disqualification (12:43)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 0/25
Analysis: This is the second longest match of the first Wrestlemania and to be honest, I have no earthly idea why. This is one of the most boring and bad matches I’ve ever seen. Not just on Wrestlemania, but of any wrestling show. It comes as no surprise that this is the only appearance of one David Sammartino. It doesn’t help Sammartino has the charisma of the wall I’m staring at while I type. Brutus Beefcake got much better over the next couple years and would even have an excellent match with Mr. Perfect a few years later. Not even Bruno Sammartino’s presence. I understand this match led to a tag team match between Bruno and David wrestling Valient and Beefcake at the Garden soon after this. Why couldn’t we see that? I no Bruno is no technical wizard, but at least there would have been some actual heat attached to this contest instead of these two guys exchanging restholds.
Strap on a diaper because the list doesn’t get much better from here.
251. The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) defeated Giant Gonzales (w/Harvey Wippleman) by disqualification (7:33) (Wrestlemania 9)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 0/25
Analysis: I don’t care if this is part of Taker’s streak or not. I’m not giving anything involving Giant Gonzales anything except a zero. There’s a reason you don’t see any highlights from this match when they talk about “the streak.” Sweet Moses, I’d rather watch Taker wrestle the damn vulture that accompanied him instead of the crap that was soon to follow. And I love how you have a supposed eight foot tall wrestler GAGGING THE UNDERTAKER WITH A RAG CONTAINING SOME CHEMICAL? Couldn’t he just beat him up and use that size of his? Terrible, terrible, terrible. Also, this makes the third disqualification or count-out of Wrestlemania 9. Although I’ll talk more about this later, this show has a propensity for unclean finishes. You’ve got the disqualifications, count-outs, salt being thrown, Perfect’s feet on the ropes, and two Doinks. Only two clean finishes do not a good show make.
250. Adrian Adonis (w/Jimmy Hart) defeated Uncle Elmer (3:01)(Wrestlemania 2)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 0/25
Analysis: What better match to have at Wrestlemania then a hillbilly wrestling a crossdresser? Wrestlemania 2 has some pretty bad matches, but this one deserves to be called the worst. As short as it was, they packed a whole lot of bad into it. What makes it even worse is the “faggot” chant directed at the adorable one. It’s Los Angeles. Isn’t this one of the most liberal cities in the union? After a craptacular effort by Alfred Heyes at Wrestlemania 1, he gets to be the lead play-by-play man. His partner is Jesse Ventura, who is my favorite commentator of all time as far as pro wrestling goes. For this Wrestlemania, he sounds very muffled. I’m not sure if it was the mic or what it was. Elvira, black hair and big boobs, joins them. Horrific was she. This announcing team as whole was just a train wreck with all three talking over each other and not doing a good job of who would take care of what role. And just when you think it can’t get any worse, WCW women’s wrestling expert Lee Marshall is freakin’ ring announcer. Wish he could have phoned this performance in like he did all those Nitro parties or whatever.
249. Sable defeated Tori to retain the WWF Women’s Championship (5:09)(Wrestlemania 15)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 0/25
Analysis: At Wrestlemania 14, Sable made a tremendous showing of herself. This year, she has a horrific match with Tori. From all indications, this new attitude she was taking may not have been all a work. These two got five minutes and botched about ten different moves in that period. I’ve seen a lot of bad women’s matches, but I have new appreciation for Trish Stratus and Beth Phoenix after watching this abysmal effort. Two more insulting notes: Someone coughRussocough thought a ref bump was a good idea and Nicole Bass made her debut. Can’t think of a better example of match that deserves zero points.
248. Corporal Kirschner defeated Nikolai Volkoff (w/ Classy Freddie Blassie) in a flag match (2:05)(Wrestlemania 2)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 0/25
Analysis: Kathy Lee Crosby joins Gorilla Monsoon and Gene Okerlund on commentary. Were three women as announcers for this show a celebration of women’s history month or something? Crosby was pretty bleeping annoying. You know, if they left Monsoon and Okerlund alone, they wouldn’t have been that bad. Gene Okerlund was of course one of the best interview men, maybe not only in pro wrestling, but in all of sports. Good gravy was this match bad. Even in two minutes, a whole lot of suck was put forth. Kirschner was a replacement for the departed Sergeant Slaughter. I really didn’t get anything from this match, so I can’t just start giving sympathy points. I’ll save that for matches that actually deserve it.
247. Terri Runnels (w/The Fabulous Moolah) defeated The Kat (w/Mae Young) (w/Val Venis as special guest referee) in a Catfight (2:25)(Wrestlemania 16)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 1/25
Analysis: Historical note… the one thing that prevents from me giving this a zero. Believe me, because of Mae Young’s broncobuster, the horrible “action”, and even the horrible concept, I want to give this a zero. But this is the only one-on-one match at Wrestlemania. Everything else was multi-man. The match was pretty bad. Even the way to win this contest was a bit odd as you had to throw your opponent out of the ring. They couldn’t even have a clean finish for this as Moolah helped screw The Kat. I’m done talking about this garbage.
246. Chavo Guerrero won a Cruiserweight Open to retain the WWE Cruiserweight Championship (10:28)
Jamie Noble forced Dragon to submit with the Paydirt (2:14)
Noble pinned Funaki with a Small package (2:23)
Noble defeated Nunzio by countout (4:21)
Billy Kidman pinned Noble after a top rope BK Bomb (6:06)
Rey Mysterio pinned Kidman after nailing a leg trap sunset flip powerbomb off the ropes (7:22)
Mysterio pinned Tajiri with a roll-up. (8:37)
Mysterio defeated Akio by forfeit. (8:37)
Chavo Guerrero pinned Mysterio with interference from Chavo Guerrero, Sr. (10:28) (Wrestlemania 20)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 1/25
Analysis: I like a lot of the people in this match, but I sure as hell have nothing nice to say about it. Having these ten guys go at it, and then just give them such a short amount of time is an insult. I’ve seen Jamie Knoble have five star matches in Ring of Honor. I’ve seen Ultimo Dragon have classics in WCW. Here he’s reduced to cannon fodder. He also tripped on his way to coming in to, a fine way to debut at MSG. Kidman, looking very roided up, and Mysterio had a minute sequence. I’ve seen those two have classic cruiserweight matches on Nitro and at other times in WCW. This was just a complete insult if you ask me, and I feel very little guilt giving this such a low score. I would have rather seen this cut and make the show a little bit shorter than ever watch this match-up again. Very sad to watch. WWE has no idea how to book cruiserweights.
245. The Fabulous Moolah defeated Velvet McIntyre to retain the WWF Women’s Championship (1:25)(Wrestlemania 2)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 1/25
Analysis: The women’s title also took a pretty big fall. This was almost a main event match at Wrestlemania 1. Now it’s Moolah wrestling for the first and only time at a Wrestlemania beating up some jobber woman in just over a minute. Wrestlemania 2, not very good. I also need to point the horrific ring announcer, Chet Coppock. He’s a Chicago radio personality who is very very annoying. His ring introductions take longer than this match.
244. Chyna defeated Ivory to win the WWF Women’s Championship (2:39) (Wrestlemania 17)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 1/25
Analysis: Chyna was a couple months from departing the WWF, and I found this entire angle to be highly offensive. It began with Chyna having some sort of neck injury and just going downhill from there. Ivory is an extremely talented women’s wrestler who deserved a hell of a lot better than this garbage. Chyna drags the women’s title down to her level after squashing Ivory and making her look like a piece of garbage. This match doesn’t deserve anymore comment then that.
243. Tournament First Round: One Man Gang (w/Slick) defeated Bam Bam Bigelow (w/Oliver Humperdink) (2:56)(Wrestlemania 4)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 1/25
Analysis: Wrestlemania 4 makes its’ debut here. You’ll be seeing a lot more in these early articles. There’s a darn good reason some have referred to this show as Wrestlemania Bore. WWE didn’t quite know how to pace their shows like they do now. For example, Wrestlemania 20 was five hours long but it just flew by because things were well organized and there were chances for the crowd to catch their breath. This casino crowd didn’t help either. They sat on their hands for much of the night. WWF fired these matches off rapidly and even the announcers seemed to be burned by the end. Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura are my favorite announcing team in WWF history, but even they were tired of this show by the end. Also, this is a pretty historical event as this is the first time the WWF championship was ever held up and then decided in a tournament. For that reason, every tournament match automatically gets one historical point. So no zeroes here sadly.
The match? One Man Gang is trash. Bigalow was greener then a bag of broccoli, and they weren’t given a whole lot of time. A count-out here since jobbing Bigalow to Gang couldn’t apparently be justified by anyone. I agree.
242. Kane defeated Chavo Guerrero to win the ECW Championship (0:08) (Wrestlemania 24)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 1/25
Analysis: This is a fine way for Chavo to make his return to Wrestlemania. This, by the way, is the shortest match in the history of Wrestlemania contrary to what the WWE says. I think it’s nice Kane got a major (somewhat) title as a reward for his hardwork, but his title reign was pretty much a bust ratingswise and matchwise. We also got to witness the first ever defense of the ECW championship at a Wrestlemania. There isn’t a whole lot to say about an eight second match except to say I hope Joey Styles and Tazz enjoyed calling this match. They got this, the battle royal, and “Money in the Bank.” Essentially, they got free tickets to the show since they did very little announcing. Good gig if you can get it I guess.
241. Tournament First Round: Don Muraco (w/Billy Graham) defeated Dino Bravo (w/Frenchy Martin) (4:53)(Wrestlemania 4)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 1/25
Analysis: Good thing the WWF didn’t drug test at this point cause if these two passed, I’d quit. What I don’t know, but someone has to quit in protest. These two guys are barely mobile and I can’t believe these two didn’t pop on their way to the ring. Billy Graham being there only makes this match a bigger farce. I almost felt sorry for the referee because if he had to break these guys up, he might break one of their limbs. This match also provides us with our first disqualification of the night. It would not be the last as Wrestlemania 4 was the land of unclean finishes. If it wasn’t for my point rule for this tournament, this match would have gotten a 0.
240. The Mountie (w/Jimmy Hart) defeated Tito Santana (1:21) (Wrestlemania 7)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 1/25
Analysis: I give a point simply because I love Mountie’s theme song and Tito Sanaana is a very competent wrestler. I’ll give you more details on how much I’ve grown to appreciate Santana’s work when I look at his final Wrestlemania appearance against Shawn Michaels. This was barely a minute and I assume WWF was running really short on time. Nothing much to say about this either.
239. Paul Orndorff wrestled The Magnificent Muraco to a double countout (4:10)(Wrestlemania 2)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 1/25
Analysis: From main event to curtain jerker. How the mighty have fallen. Paul Orndorff was in the main event at Wrestlemania 1, and now he gets shafted into a crappy opening contest without a finish. Since this is the first time I’m going over Wrestlemania 2, at least the portion that took place in Nassau Coliseum, I’ll point out the commentators. It’s the genetic jackhammer himself Vince McMahon and one Susan St. James. St. James was married to Vince McMahon’s best buddy at NBC Dick Ebersol and was the star of the popular 80s sitcom Kate and Allie. As bad it sounds, these two were nowhere near as bad as the team in Los Angeles. St. James even got into the action and provided a couple instances of decent analysis. Notice how I’m talking about the commentators instead of the match? Shows how exciting this was.
238. The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff (w/Slick) defeated The Killer Bees (Brian Blair and Jim Brunzell) by disqualification (5:44)(Wrestlemania 3)
Match Quality: .5/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 1.5/25
Analysis: Nikolai wants to sing like he always does, but Hacksaw Jim Duggan interferes. He says he won’t let Volkoff sing the Russian National Anthem because this is the land of the free. Let me repeat. Jim Duggan says he won’t allow Nikolai Volkoff to sing the Russian National Anthem because this is the land of the free. Man, these babyfaces aren’t very good role models. This match was very much there and that’s it. Something had to come before Hogan and Andre. I guess this drew the short straw. Bad ending as Duggan gets the Bees disqualified cause he just has to use the board.
237. Tenryu and Kitao defeated Demolition (Crush and Smash) (w/Mr. Fuji) (4:44) (Wrestlemania 7)
Match Quality: 0.5/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 1.5/25
Analysis: I’m sad to say that this is Demolition’s last Wrestlemania match. They really deserved better then to lose to two Japanese wrestlers in front of a crowd that was apathetic (with good reason). They even had some new hoss music. I’m not sure about the background of Tenryu or Kitao, but this match was pretty boring. And putting two international stars from Japan over an established team? What is this, Ring of Honor?
236. Hercules defeated King Haku (w/Bobby Heenan) (6:57) (Wrestlemania 5)
Match Quality: 0.5/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 1.5/25
Analysis: Hercules gets the pleasure of opening up Wrestlemania 5. Maybe this match isn’t as bad as his contest against the Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania 4, but it damn sure comes close. And to the people who thought this match should open the show, are you serious? This was a pretty terrible match as expected. The only difference here between the Hercules of Wrestlemanias 3 and 4 and this one is he gets a bad theme song and aqua blue tights because he’s now a face. It’s also the start of a long night for one Bobby Heenan. He managed four wrestlers, and he’s competing against The Red Rooster, but I’ve already touched that one. I’m running away from this match since it ends almost the exact same way Hercules’ match ended the previous year, except he wins this time.
235. Doink the Clown (Matt Borne) defeated Crush (8:28) (Wrestlemania 9)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 2/25
Analysis: Doink the psycho clown is such a brilliant concept, almost as brilliant as the original conception of Goldust’s character. In both cases, the WWF cut the character’s nuts off. As awesome of a character Doink is, Crush is not. Bryan Adams was almost in the same boat as Tatanka in 1993. He had very little charisma, even less ring skill, but I at least see why he was employed. The long hair and muscular body certainly helped. Too bad it couldn’t help the quality of this match. You know, it wasn’t for the sucktitude of Giant Gonzalez, this would be the worst match of the night by far. The finish with having two Doinks attack Crush with the fake arm was apparently so inspiring the WWE that they would rip the finish off for the ending of the Kurt Angle/Undertaker at Survivor Series 2000. My enjoyment of Doink the psycho clown and the infamous ending prevent this from being a total lost cause.
234. Roddy Piper defeated Goldust (w/Marlena) in a “Hollywood Backlot Brawl” (Wrestllemania 12)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 2/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 2/25
Analysis: If it wasn’t for the fact that this was the last “match” Roddy Piper ever had at Wrestlemania, and such a controversial person wasn’t making his debut, I would have put this match as Mr. Irrelevant or good old number 252. Thankfully, this is the first and only time we’ll have to see a match-up of this type. It’s bad enough that this segment killed an already dead crowd, but it took attention away from an actual good match and provided a distraction to the rest of the show since there was some type of “high speed chase” going on for most of the three hour broadcast.
Even though there was very fake and obviously pre-taped brawl going on, Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler couldn’t even be bothered to inform us of the rules. And if there weren’t any rules, then what the hell is the point of going through the motions? It’s not that the feud was offensive, although that was also pretty borderline, it’s that this pre-taped segment came off looking very bad. Then during the next match, a very good match-up between Steve Austin and Savio Vega, the focus was put on an alleged “chase” these two were having somewhere in Anaheim. McMahon and Lawler kept trying to get in touch with Piper via cell phone since he was involved in this “high speed chase.”
While we’re on the subject, this chase was supposed to be a parody of the O.J. Simpson chase that took place about two years earlier. Considering this was the same company that produced the Billionaire Ted sketches and on the pre-show had a match between “The Nacho Man” and “The Huckster, you can see the high comedy stylings of the WWF in 1996. Santino Marella looks sophisticated by example. It wasn’t funny and I’m not sure some of the audience even got what the heck the WWF was attempting to do.
Eventually, Piper and Goldust end their chase and end up having a bad looking street fight throughout the arena and into the ring. Just when things can’t possibly get any worse, we see a little bit too much of Dustin Rhodes. Piper strips him of his garb and Rhodes appears to be wearing some women’s undergarments. Isn’t that a kick in the nuts? Just a terrible effort by everyone involved, and the WWF should have been ashamed to even put this garbage out there for all to witness.
233. Akebono defeated The Big Show in a Sumo Match (1:02) (Wrestllemania 21)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 2/25
Analysis: God bless the WWE for trying something different. They put a lot of effort in trying to have a sumo match by performing the usual ceremonies and actually removing the sports entertainment out of the show for a bit. The problem is it’s not wrestling, and the crowd pissed on it. No way will give this anything except two points simply because it was a unique and original idea. Too bad the WWE failed to take into account that wrestling fans could give two craps about sumo. I really don’t have anything else to say about this. I can safely say this will be the first and last time WWE tries to experiment with some like this.
232. Owen Hart defeated Skinner (1:11) (Wrestlemania 8)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 2/25
Analysis: You hear Owen Hart’s music. They go a minute. Owen gets a flash pin. You hear Owen Hart’s music. He dropkicks Skinner, and we’re out.
231. The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) defeated The Big Boss Man in a Hell in a Cell match (9:46)(Wrestlemania 15)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 2/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 2/25
Analysis: This is the first (and likely only) Hell in the Cell match in Wrestlemania history. Wrestlemania 15 was not known for its’ good matches, but this match and the women’s title match are pretty much the bottom of the barrel as far as quality goes. I see three fundamental problems with this match.
1. Undertaker and Bossman are both heels. WHO ARE THE FANS SUPPOSED TO CHEER FOR?
2. Sort of an extension of number one. The Ministry of Darkness vs. The Corporation might be the dumbest, most poorly told storyline in my 15 years as a wrestling fan. It had the benefit of not only being confusing as hell once you added the sum total together, but the fans couldn’t really care since Vince McMahon was pretty the Satan of the WWF and Undertaker was acting like Satan.
3. Bossman’s grand return to the WWF was not a good one as I can’t think of a single good match he had. Undertaker was also pretty bad at this stage. Say what you will about his love for MMA, but ever since he started becoming a fan and losing weight he’s become much more fluid in the ring.
Now I’m for making fun of the city of Philadelphia as often as possible, but they had every right to piss on this match. This match was pure garbage, period end, end of story. And just when you think it can’t get any worse, The Brood (Edge, Christian, and Gangrel) make their Wrestlemania debuts. Not to wrestle or even beat Bossman down, but to hang him. What this has to do with wrestling, I’m not sure. We’d have to ask the genius head writer at the time, one Vince Russo, what he thinks. Cause he was responsible for the big boom of the late 90s, get it?
230. The Boogeyman defeated Booker T and Sharmell in a Handicap match (3:52)(Wrestlemania 22)
Match Quality: 0/5
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Totals: 2/25
Analysis: Thank God Jim Ross came back in time for Wrestlemania 22. For the last few months, Joey Styles, The King, and Jonathon Coachman broadcasted RAW. It was a disaster of epic proportions. So thank God we got something positive to open this show up. Sadly, the list of positives from this show would be quite short. Wrestlemania 22 makes its’ debut on this list with this match. As bad and wretched this entire show, nothing could top the crapitude of this contest. Out of sheer respect for Booker T, I can’t give this match a zero. Make no mistake about it though, This was a bad match; the use of the worms was plain disgusting, and the fog that remained over the ring because of the dumbass fireworks didn’t help either. The part that’s even more interesting is Booker T actually left WWE a year and a half later because of his feud with Triple H. How he survived getting pinned by this joke of a wrestler is beyond me. Also, if nothing else, Booker T running into all the freaks (including his old partner Goldust and Ted Dibiase) was kind of amusing.
229. Torrie Wilson defeated Candice Michelle in a Playboy Pillow fight (3:54)(Wrestlemania 22)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Totals: 2/25
Analysis: If I could give negative points, I would cause this was just a disgrace. Can you believe they actually put a freaking pillow fight between two world title matches. At least the women’s title matches they use to cool off the crowd were wrestling…sort of. This was just plain trash. And neither Candice nor Torrie looked very hot for that matter. The only entertainment was Jim Ross, who had some hilarious deadpan comments the whole way. Telling everyone to “put their bowling shoes away” might be one of the ten best lines a commentator have ever used during a Wrestlemania.
228. T & A (Test and Albert) (w/Trish Stratus) defeated Head Cheese (Al Snow and Steve Blackman) (w/Chester McCheeserton) (7:05)(Wrestlemania 16)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 2/25
Analysis: Things did get off to a brilliant start. First, we got a very unfunny skit involving Snow and Blackmen. Then they announced their new tag team name of Head Cheese, followed by introducing their new mascot, a man in a giant cheese suit. Then to make matters worse, the audio goes out on Jim Ross’ microphone and King is left alone from a brief time. Let’ see. Test sucks. Albert sucks. Blackmen is boring. Snow isn’t that good. And putting Al Snow and Test together must be like a wet dream for Mick Foley as far as jokes go. Speaking of wet dreams, Trish Stratus makes her debut here and would go on to have better matches on this list than these four goofs in the ring. I know this match has gotten a pretty bad reputation for being one of the worst Wrestlemania matches ever. I don’t consider it that bad, especially after slogging through the first seven or eight of these shows, but it’s pretty bad. Certainly not a Wrestlemania moment to be sure. Snow and Blackmen actually bring the “Demolition Decapitation” out of mothballs to fire their mascot after the match. That was funny. The match was not.
227. The Great Khali defeated Kane (5:31) (Wrestlemania 23)
Match Quality: 1/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 2/25
Analysis: They actually has the gall to compare Kane’s bodyslam of Khali to Hogan slamming Andre back at Wrestlemania III. This is a horrendous match that was a chore to watch. These might be the longest five minutes of your laugh. I also consider Khali the worst athlete to ever win a match at the granddaddy of them all. And that includes Butterbean. Let’s quickly move on.
226. Harley Race (w/Bobby Heenan and The Fabulous Moolah) defeated The Junkyard Dog in a “Loser Must Bow” match (4:22)(Wrestlemania 3)
Match Quality: 1/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 0/10
Total: 2/25
Analysis: Former seven time NWA world heavyweight champion Harley Race makes his debut here. That’s really the only thing nice I can say about this match. Thank God this was only four minutes cause watching JYD shuffle around that ring is plain embarrassing. The worst part is how great of a reaction he got when he came out to the ring. Sweet Moses. This is also the debut of Jerry Lawler’s theme song. See, the song was done by a Russian composer almost two centuries ago. See, this is not only a list but a lesson in Russian music history. One final thing: Is it any wonder so many children of the 80s turned out be such putzes? Look at their heroes. You’ve got JYD putting a pearl harbor job with a chair on Race after he lost the match. That’s real classy. Heenan didn’t interfere. He was distracting JYD and that idiot fell for it. Not to mention the times Hulk Hogan showed what a great sport he was when he would attack the managers or hit people with chairs. Hell, I already talked about what a moron Jim Duggan was for his little speech and then getting the Bees disqualified. Damn the 80s straight to hell.
225. Lex Luger defeated Mr. Perfect (10:56) (Wrestlemania 9)
Match Quality: 1/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 2/25
Analysis: The funniest part of this match takes place during Luger’s entrance as a freshly divorced Randy Savage is oogling the women accompanying one Narcissist. Once the bell rings, however, forget it. When even Mr. Perfect can’t drag a good match out of you, just retire and call it a day. Plus, I don’t understand how any referee could possibly not see Perfect’s legs on the ropes. I understand some jumps on logic when it comes to these officials, but this is ridiculous. This was another bad match in a series of them for this show. So quickly, let’s talk about something else.
224. Trish Stratus defeated Christy Hemme (w/Lita) to retain the WWE Women’s Championship (4:11) (Wrestllemania 21)
Match Quality: 0.5/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 2.5/25
Analysis: Even back in 2005, I was rooting for Trish Stratus. Short of murdering someone, there was no way I wanted anyone but Trish to win. Christy Hemme had no business stepping into the squared circle for a women’s championship match. God bless Trish for doing all she could, but no one could carry Hemme to a great match, even one of the better female performers in WWE. Thankfully, they kept it short. By the way, who the hell thought Lita would make a good trainer for Hemme? No wonder she lost in under five minutes.
223. The Natural Disasters (Earthquake and Typhoon) defeated WWF Tag Team Champions Money Incorporated (Ted DiBiase and Irwin R. Schyster) (w/Jimmy Hart) (8:39) by count-out . (Wrestlemania 8)
Match Quality: 1/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 1.5/10
Total: 2.5/25
Analysis: Legion of Doom had recently gotten manager Paul Ellering back. You’d think this would be a great chance to have them face Money Inc. to regain their tag team titles. But no sadly, we get the fat twins instead. This match was absolutely not afraid to suck and be boring at the same time. Just to compund the issue, we get a crappy count-out finish. Money Inc. did this many times during their various title reigns, and it got old fast. Even though I liked Dibiase a lot, I’ve never been one to embrace the title reign of Money Inc. Dibiase wasn’t very good anymore and Mike Rotunda, while technically sound, bored the crap out of me. The Natural Disasters might very well be the worst tag team I’ve ever seen. Not a great tag title match at all.
222. Jim Duggan fought Bad News Brown to a no-contest (3:49)(Wrestlemania 5)
Match Quality: 1/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 2.5/25
Analysis: Duggan and Brown both used weapons because heaven forbid one of these two jobs. I don’t even think this feud went anywhere, so this was really useless. Seriously, the WWF was like the rambling kid in class who never shut up when it came to these early Wrestlemanias. They just keep throwing match after match out there with very little rhyme or reason. Some were good. Some were bad. All except for the main events and a few of the other title matches tended to run together.
221. The Ultimate Warrior defeated Hercules (w/Bobby Heenan) (4:29)(Wrestlemania 4)
Match Quality: 0.5/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 2.5/25
Analysis: Thanks to the debut of a pretty historic performer, this match gets two points. I want to bash The Ultimate Warrior a great deal over each of his five Wrestlemania matches. Sadly (not really) he’s involved in two of the best matches in this show’s 25 year history. His other match is a pretty funny burial of Triple. His match against Rick Rude was also pretty good. And this match, while completely bad, actually has a creative finish. On the other hand, Hercules is a terrible Wrestlemania performer, maybe one of the worst of all time. I’m not sure whose bright idea it was to put a green guy against a muscleheaded no talent, but this is the WWF of the 1980s. The finish comes when Hercules and Warrior’s shoulders are both being counted and Warrior lifts his just in time. Hey, that’s high art for this contest.
220. Earthquake (w/Jimmy Hart) defeated Hercules (4:52)(Wrestlemania 6)
Match Quality: 0.5/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 2.5/25
Analysis: One thing you should learn from this list is my utter disdain for Hercules. This match is just like the other three singles matches he’s had, terrible but at least they were short. Watching him squashed like a grape by Earthquake was pretty funny too. Before this match, he had been known as the Canadian Earthquake, but this was obviously changed since they were in Canada. We also got a cheesy interview from Earthquake and Jimmy Hart. It’s really annoying. Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura acting like Earthquake was going to cause real trembles was corny too. This was the point where WWF was really becoming a cartoon. Let’s just talk about the next match.
219. Dino Bravo (w/Frenchy Martin) defeated Ronnie Garvin (3:06) (Wrestlemania 5)
Match Quality: 0.5/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 2.5/25
Analysis: Ronnie Garvin comes from that same Greg Valentine school. He wasn’t the greatest wrestler, but he brought a sense of realism and intensity to his matches. It was a very good idea to have Garvin and Valentine eventually feud. The match itself was useless since Dino Bravo can’t go. Steroids surely don’t help your mobility, that’s for sure. Why Bravo was put over here is anybody’s guess. Nothing to see here.
218. Santina Marella last eliminated Beth Phoenix and Melina to win a 25 Diva’s Battle Royal (5:57)(Wrestlemania 25)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: This was an opportunity to see some Divas from the past, that is if you could see them. There were so many blondes in the ring, I could barely tell them apart. Women like Torrie Wilson and Sunny were involved in this match, but you could hardly see they were in the match. Battle Royals are generally bad and boring anyway, but this was the worst. Women were flying everywhere, and they even had to modify the rules so the women didn’t have to fly over the top rope. I’m fearful some of these women would have killed themselves. Just to prove how much of a joke this whole thing was, we had Santino Marella winning the darn thing. Not that Miss Wrestlemania should be taken seriously anyway, but these women deserve something for their work, particularly the ones like Beth Phoenix and Mickie James that actually try to do well in the ring.
217. King Kong Bundy (w/Jimmy Hart) defeated Special Delivery Jones (0:23 {announced as 9 seconds})(Wrestlemania 1)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: How do you blow this? All Bundy had to do was finish S.D. Jones in the appropriate amount of time. But no. He royally screwed up or the timekeeper apparently started his watch 14 seconds late. This was the shortest match in history until Wrestlemania when The Hart Foundation defeated The Bolsheviks in 19 seconds. Then of course, you had Kane beating up Chavo in a legitimate nine seconds to take over the record. My entertainment comes from the sheer badness of how the segment turned out. In addition, Howard FInkel said S.D. Jones was from Atlantic City and Monsoon said he was from Philadelphia. Not exactly ready for primetime, were they? And that so-called record which was supposed to last for years? Within a year, Dynamite Kid would beat Nikolai Volkoff in six seconds. I believe it was the Wrestling Classic in November.
216. Melina defeated Ashley Massaro in a Lumberjill match to retain the WWE Women’s Championship (3:13) (Wrestlemania 23)
Lumberjills: Victoria, Layla, Jillian Hall, Candice Michelle, Kelly Kelly, Trinity, Torrie Wilson, Brooke Adams, Kristal Marshall, Michelle McCool, Maria and Mickie James.
Match Quality: 1/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Totals: 3/25
Analysis: I have to find new ways to bash these women’s title matches. So for this one, I’ll talk about what a useless lump Ashley proved to be. Before she won the Diva search, she was sort of attractive. Then at some point she turned into a hooker with about seven different colors in her hair. WWE actually has the balls to throw into her a title match between two main events at Wrestlemania 23. Just a terrible terrible match that was thankfully kept short. Melina’s entrance and the ensuing catfight are the only reason I got any entertainment from this bout.
215. Earthquake defeated Adam Bomb (w/Harvey Wippleman) (0:32) (Wrestlemania 10)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: The Harvey Whippleman/Howard Finkel feud continues here. Don’t ask. “The Fink” actually received a toupee from the folks at the “Hairclub for Men’s” Sy Spurling. Whippleman gets pushed down by Finkel. Adam Bomb walks down to the ring to take out FInkel. Earthquake “runs” down to the ring and quickly dispatches Bomb. It would be the first and last appearance for Bomb. This would also be Earthquake’s farewell as he’d be in WCW by May. Whippleman’s insults and Adam Bomb being squashed were entertaining. Otherwise, not much else.
214. The Big Boss Man, Virgil, Sgt. Slaughter, and Jim Duggan defeated The Nasty Boys (Brian Knobbs and Jerry Sags), Repo Man, and The Mountie (5:22) (Wrestlemania 8)
Match Quality: 2/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: Eight of the most untalented wrestlers step into the ring to have a crappy tag match… and I’m happy? Well, thanks to the shift from a four hour show to a three show show, the amount of crap went down exponentially. Instead of three matches involving these eight wrestlers, you’ve got one crappy eight man tag. I shouldn’t say that. I generally like Bossman and Mountie. Still I’m glad to see a downsize in show length since the matches that meant something were able to get more time and WWF understood that having 15 matches on a show isn’t such a good idea. If only they were able to understand that what Ray Combs was saying as a ring announcer really wasn’t funny at all. Without making fun of the dead too much, I’ll just say when Combs tries to be a comedian, he makes an excellent game show host. Bad stuff all around.
213. Tournament Semi-Final: Randy Savage (w/Miss Elizabeth) defeated One Man Gang (w/Slick) (4:05)(Wrestlemania 4)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: Usually, the weakest round of any tournament is the semi-final one. I’ve found this to be true during almost any independent tournament I’ve ever watched. Thankfully, this Wrestlemania 4 championship tournament had one semi-final and it lasted four minutes. One Man Gang shows why he isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp when he used the cane and eventually gets himself disqualified. What an idiot. The only positive was Savage double axehandling Gang on top of his manager, Slick.
212. The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) defeated King Kong Bundy (w/Ted DiBiase) (w/Larry Young as Special Guest Referee) (6:36) (Wrestllemania 11)
Match Quality: 1/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: Pretty funny bit with Nick Turturro as we finally get his mic working. Jenny McCarthy is interviewed and Kama eyes her. Kama would go onto become the Godfather. I’ll let you guys come up with the joke since that’s far too easy. Shawn Michaels walks in and we get a Sid promo. Well, that’s a Wrestlemania moment if I’ve ever seen one. Warrior and Sid seriously need to have a debate. I don’t even care about what. Just let them talk for an hour or two. Todd Pettingill also interviews Neal Anderson, former Chicago Bear. That’s really the only reason I’m pointing that out. Anyway onto the match.
The Undertaker had missed the previous Wrestlemania to spend time with his wife on vacation. If I wrestled Giant Gonzalez and Yokozuna for most of the year, I’d need time off too. As a reward for putting up with that garbage, he got shafted into a lame feud with Million Dollar Corporation. First was I.R.S. Here it was King Kong Bundy, who when we last saw him at a Wrestllemania, he was squashing a midget at Wrestlemania 3. Bundy is at least slightly better than Gonzalez but not much. And despite Taker winning the match, this feud would drag on because Kama and Ted Dibiase re-stole Undertaker’s urn and would eventually burn it down into a chain leading to Kama getting squashed at Summerslam ’95. This is about as bad a match as you can possibly conceive of. Any match that ends with a clothesline and bodyslam for a finisher is not a good way to end things. Bringing in an MLB umpire (since they were on strike at the time) wasn’t the best idea ever either. They don’t even know the strikezone, how the hell would they know the rules of professional wrestling?
211. Rick Rude (w/Bobby Heenan) defeated Jimmy Snuka (3:59)(Wrestlemania 6)
Match Quality: 1/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: Bobby Heenan cuts the best promo of the show. It’s also where makes it clear the Heenan family is going to changel. It would lead to Barbarian becoming a full-fledged member, Rick Rude challenging for the championship, and Mr. Perfect also joining the fold of the Heenan family and becoming the Intercontinental championship courtesy of a tournament. This match… I really don’t have anything to say about it. Rude wins with his “Rude Awakening.” Steve Allen is in the booth and doesn’t really add anything. This was an opportunity for the live crowd to hit the bathroom before the main event. So from that standpoint, I think it was a success.
210. Billy Jack Haynes fought Hercules (w/Bobby Heenan) to a double countout (7:44)(Wrestlemania 3)
Match Quality: 2/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: This was an ugly match, plain and simple. Hercules and Haynes both proved their stupidity constantly. First, Hercules picks Haynes up when he clearly has him pinned and then forgets to lock the fingers on the full nelson. Then Billy Jerk (Thanks Bobby Heenan) holds his full nelson so long that it leads to a double countout. Why not let go at eight and leap back into the ring to get the victory? Not a very good match at all and not getting a finish makes matters even worse.
209. The Big Boss Man defeated Akeem (w/Slick) (1:49)(Wrestlemania 6)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 3/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: Big Bossman actually gotten beaten up by The Million Dollar Man before this match. I guess he hung around ringside without anyone noticing. Bossman was so beaten up, he beat Akeem in under two minutes. Thank goodness this is the last appearance of Akeem and the debut of Bossman’s hoss theme song he used in his babyface days in the WWF. Bossman has also lost a considerable amount of weight, and by 1991 would develop himself into a very good hand in the ring. He doesn’t have a whole lot to work with here, but at least it’s quick. Oh, and before this match I believe Bossman referred to Slick as a pimp-like manager. Sort of came out of nowhere, but I laughed at that remark. Certainly was a breath of fresh air for this show after listening to so many canned interviews.
208. Mankind defeated The Big Show by disqualification (6:50)(Wrestlemania 15)
Match Quality: 1/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: The Big Show’s bad luck streak at Wrestlemania starts here. Here’s another brilliant Russo idea for this show. The winner of this match is allegedly going to be the special referee for the main event. Well, poor Mick Foley would eventually be the official…AFTER FOUR OTHER REFEREES GET BEAT UP. More on that later. This is an abysmal match in a series of them. Big Show looks blown up around two minutes in and Mankind, contrary to some of the signs, is not a God and cannot work miracles. The only real redeeming spot was the old Vader/Cactus Jack spot where Show squashed Mick when he was on his back giving him the mandible claw. Other than that, nothing.
207. Bam Bam Bigelow and Luna Vachon defeated Doink the Clown (Ray Apollo) and Dink in a “Mixed Tag Team match” (6:09) (Wrestlemania 10)
Match Quality: 0.5/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2.5/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: We have yet another mixed tag match. After the first one was such a disaster, I can’t believe the WWF would throw another one of these out there. This was not a very good match either. Having a midget and woman wrestler is just a bad idea. The Bigalow/Doink feud wasn’t very good at all because Doink was such a bland babyface. Bigalow is one of those guys who should have been higher on the card then he actually was. His wrestling career never materialized. Matches like this proved why.
206. The Barbarian (w/Bobby Heenan) defeated Tito Santana (4:33)(Wrestlemania 6)
Match Quality: 2/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: Tito Santana hasn’t gotten over that spilt with Rick Martel from Wrestlemania 5, judging by the fact he’s still wearing those Strike Force tights. How he actually gets an interview is anyone’s guess. Barbarian and Warlord recently split as a team and Heenan acquired Barbarian for a singles push. Well, that push would never materialize, but Tito Santana is a real champ for doing the job here considering how useless Barbarian is. And after his spectacular selljob of a spike piledriver at Wrestlemania 5, he follows up with another one after a top rope clothesline. Oh, the announcement is made for Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum as the site for Wrestlemania 7, a first for this announcement being made so early. LOL at that. Also, I have to laugh at Jesse Ventura talking about what he picked up in Tijuana. At a certain point, you just don’t want to know. He and Monsoon’s discussion of the Mexican cuisine also made this match more palpable. Somehow, 15,000 doesn’t ring quite as amazing as 100,000. Neither is this match as amazing as say… what comes in the main event.
205. Tournament Quarter-Final: Hulk Hogan fought André the Giant (w/Ted DiBiase and Virgil) to a double disqualification (5:22)(Wrestlemania 4)
Match Quality: 0/10
Historical Significance: 1/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 3/25
Analysis: Make sure to understand this is the third match they had at Wrestlemania 4, not their historic battle that put between 75,000-95,000 into the Silverdome at Wrestlemania 3. This match sucked. Hell, three minutes were a damn chokehold. Know why these two got a bye? Cause these five minutes felt like the equivalent of three matches. But all kidding aside, this entire event proved why Hulk Hogan is truly a bad role model. The first example takes place during and after this particular match.
First off, Hogan should have been disqualified since he used the chair first. Then he goes after poor Virgil and suplexes him on the floor. Then he attacks poor Andre again with the chair and slams him once again. Then he drags the show down even further by doing his usual posing and celebrating. Jesse Ventura rightfully points out what and idiot he is for doing this. As bad as Hulk Hogan’s interview was before this, something about dog-paddling every person in Trump Plaza to safety after he slams the giant, this was just terrible. But this would have been tolerable if this had been it. Sadly, we’d hear from Hogan in the main event too. Heaven forbid we go one year without seeing Hulk Hogan in or during main event of a Wrestlemania.
204. The Texas Tornado defeated Dino Bravo (w/Jimmy Hart) (3:11) (Wrestlemania 7)
Match Quality: 0.5/10
Historical Significance: 2/5
Entertainment Value: 1/10
Total: 3.5/25
Analysis: Kerry Von Erich is someone who I can never look at the same after watching both World Class documentaries. If you have not seen them, you really owe it to yourself to watch Heroes of World Class. This match is quite sad considering Bravo and Von Erich would be dead within three years. It’s very sad to think two guys you’re watching will be dead within two years. This was the first and last appearance for Von Erich and the last for Dino Bravo. It’s not a very good match, but thinking about what will happen just doesn’t put me in the mood to bash the match all the bad.
203. Butch Reed (w/Slick) defeated Koko B. Ware (3:39)(Wrestlemania 3)
Match Quality: 1.5/10
Historical Significance: 0/5
Entertainment Value: 2/10
Total: 3.5/25
Analysis: Jesse Ventura looks at Slick’s lavish suit and says he’s ready for downtown Detroit. Yeah, IF HE WANTS TO GET SHOT. Good lord, no one in their right mind goes to downtown Detroit in 1987, especially in that outfit. Hell, even with two stadiums there, you have to watch yourself in 2010. This match was sort of there. Nothing too exciting or boring. The babyfaces continue to show themselves as true role models. Tito Santana comes out after Reed wins and rips apart the doctor of style’s suit all up. That was just mean.
Next week 50 more matches will be revealed!
BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! YOU BITCH ABOUT EVERYTHING! You got serious issues!