One more Pay-Per-View roadblock before we continue on the road to Wrestlemania.
February is upon us, and that means only one thing. It’s Chamber time. Time for the WWE to put on two more bloodless cage matches. Last year produced two four star matches and one match in my top ten. With a lot of interest, particularly in how Shawn Michaels will interject himself in the Smackdown chamber, this has the potential to be the most fascinating WWE February Pay-Per-View of all time.
-The Joker narrates a dramatic video package about this being the last opportunity for guys to main event Wrestlemania. Guess he needed the money.
-Live from St. Louis
-Your hosts are three men who should be run over on the road to Wrestlemania
-WWE Championship: Sheamus (champion) vs. John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Ted Dibiase vs. Randy Orton
The only awkward thing about this Pay-Per-View is that a world title match pretty much has to open the show. Sheamus and Kofi Kingston start the match off. I’m just going to get this rant out of the way in these first five minutes. I’ve read a number of people bashing Sheamus as champion on various messageboards. I know I’m the person who said him winning the WWE title was the dumbest move of the year, but since winning the belt, I think he’s done an admirable job holding the title. There hasn’t been a single moment when Sheamus has looked out of place as champion. I think his promo work is pretty good, and his in-ring work has been good with the exception of two crappy matches with Randy Orton. But I blame that on Orton’s not working a smart match. If there wasn’t this perception that Sheamus was in some way Triple H’s boy, I guaranfuckingtee people would be far more willing to give this guy a chance. But because the IWC hates Triple H and thinks he’s the devil incarnate, we get jokes about Sheamus not tanning and being a joke of a champion. To summarize, IWC fans can’t make up their damn minds on what they want and are enormous hypocrites. But I guess we all knew that. Rant over.
Sheamus and Kofi have a barely boring five minutes as I guess they had to wait for the “real stars” to come in the ring. Triple H comes in and the crowd wakes up. He and Sheamus face off. High knee and the knee drop. Clothesline in the corner. I can almost see geeks writing about how Hunter is burying Sheamus now. Another clothesline almost gets three. Kofi might as well be dead outside the ring. Hunter throws Sheamus to the outside, and they try to throw each other into THE STEEL STRUCTURE. Back inside and Sheamus gets a boot on Hunter. Attempt at the Razor’s Edge but Hunter gets a DDT instead. Kofi comes from nowehere and hits a messed up splash on Sheamus. He’s a house of fire going to work on both Sheamus and Triple H. Punches in the corner on Sheamus and other clothesline by Kofi. Leg splash on a prone Triple H outside the ring.
Orton in to a HUGE pop. He explodes on Sheamus and doesn’t leave Tiple H out of the beating either. He beats up Kofi for fun before going back to Sheamus. The other three men are down as Orton has fun with the, He tosses Sheamus outside and rams him into the chamber multiple times. Rights on Hunter and he goes into the cage. I personally don’t like Orton, but based on the crowd reactions of late…. turn him face NOW!!!!! Kofi leaps over and takes out all three men. Kofi leaps back into the ring on Orton, but he gets dropkicked. That looked nasty. Hunter in and he punches away. He drops Orton’s head on his knee, but Orton counters with a powerslam. Orton goes into viper mode. Series of attempts at finishers. Hunter and Kofi both get tossed once again. No one has been eliminated incredibly.
Dibiase hits a slingshot on Kofi and clothesline Triple H. Fist drops before turning to Orton. He helps his former (possibly?) leader out and they double team Triple H. They turn to Sheamus and work him over as well. Ram into the post shoulder first. Orton tries to open a part of the cage up and he places Kingston’s face outside the cage. Ew. Dibiase hooks a Boston crab. This will be used for video packages in the future. Hunter and Orton exchange rights, but Dibiase again helps. They ram Hunter into the cage multiple times once again and Orton sets up for the DDT. A DDT on the steel. Hunter is out. Now Orton and Dibiase simply wait for the bell to go off outside Cena’s pod. Ummm, what happened to Sheamus?
Cena fights his way out and takes on both members of Legacy. Flying shoulders on Orton Five knuckle shuffle. Dibiase next. Legdrop from the top on the back of the neck. Attitude Adjustment on Dibiase on to the steel. Orton tosses Cena on the other side. Dibiase crawls back in, but Cena hooks the STF. Orton breaks that up and hits a modified backbreaker. Cody Rhodes comes out with a lead pipe. He puts it in the cage and Dibiase grabs it. He “accidentally” hits Orton, and Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment. Dibiase hits Cena with a pipe. With Orton down, Dibiase takes advantage by pinning Orton. Rhodes looks like a man who’s about to die. Orton is eliminated at 24:02.
Orton glares at Dibiase on his way to the back. Kofi headscissors Sheamus back and gets a Trouble in Paradise. Dibiase is eliminated at 25:31. So moments after pinning Orton, Dibiase gets pinned by Kofi. Dumb.
Sheamus kicks Kofi down with the boot. Razor’s Edge and Kofi is eliminated at 26:12.
Three left after those lightning fast eliminations. Big knee by Sheamus on to Cena. Attitude Adjustment attempt, but Sheamus turns it into a backbreaker. Tree of Joey Lawrence and Sheamus works over Cena in the corner. Cena prone on the top rope. Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge again. Hunter hits him with the low blow. Pedigree and Sheamus is eliminated at 29:37.
I know Sheamus’ elimination thrills a lot of people. I could almost hear the cheering coming from keyboards everywhere. Cena hooks the STF, and Hunter tries to crawl and scratch his way out. However, Triple H has no choice but to tap at 34:24.
-Winner (s)/Time/Rating: NEW WWE Champion-John Cena/34:24/***1/2
-Before Cena can even put the title on his waist, Vince McMahon comes out to announce that Cena is going to defend the WWE title against Batista right then and there. That explains why Batista walked out on the chamber qualifier and why he’s been so indifferent to wrestling matches lately.
-WWE Championship: John Cena (champion) vs. Batista
Cena can barely stand, but he punches Batista. Batista’s facial and look of embarrassment are amazing. Spear. Powerbomb. New champion.
-Winner (s)/Time/Rating: NEW WWE Champion-Batista/:33/N/R
-Not quite sure what to think about all of this. Least what’s been going on with Smackdown and the interview from last week’s RAW makes more sense now. I just hate the idea of doing two world changes in the first 50 minutes of a show. Seems to make the title mean a hell of a lot less. I also hate this because it devalues Money in the Bank since one of the key ideas is that you can use your title shot at any time. I certainly hope that whenever they do Money in the Bank, they don’t change the title in the same way.
-A look back at what happened with Bret Hart last Monday. They think it’s the last time we’ll see Bret Hart. I will bet my Wrestlemania ticket it isn’t.
-WWE Intercontinental Championship: Drew McIntyre (champion) vs. Kane
McIntyre has a new entrance that makes him look like a huge star. Kane… oy vey. I understand the thinking of having these two wrestle together. You’re getting McIntyre a big win on Pay-Per-View against a WWE lifer. Too bad they don’t have enough guts to put McIntyre over in 30 seconds or a minute. Crowd is catatonic for this boring match. I’d have taken this chance to hit the concession stand or perhaps buy one of those CM Punk t-shirts all the kids are talking about. Kane uses some of the most boring offense I’ve seen in years, and McIntyre doesn’t help matters when he takes control. McIntyre with an eye poke and Future shock DDT after 10 FUCKING MINUTES! Whoever thought this match deserved that amount of time should be fired immediately.
-Winner (s)/Time/Rating:Drew McIntyre 10:11/1/2*
-Maryse talks to French to Gail Kim as they get ready for their title match tonight. Gail responding in French was a nice little payoff to the last few weeks.
-WWE Diva’s Championship: Maryse vs. Gail Kim
Apparently, we’re not going to get this match for whatever reason. Vickie Guerrero makes it a tag team match with the Raw divas against the Smackdown divas. This is the most disorganized Pay-Per-View in the history of Pay-Per-Views.
-Gail Kim and Maryse vs. Michelle McCool and Layla
For fuck’s sake. Why is Michelle McCool on the Pay-Per-View? Oh wait. I can think of one reason. Not that Gail and Maryse was going to be a five star classic, but at least WWE did something to build that match up. This is… there. Also, Maryse might be a terrible wrestler, but she generates 100x the reaction of McCool because her personality as a heel is tremendous, yet doesn’t get near the push on television. Maryse refuses to tag in, so McCool hits the Styles clash for three .
-Winner (s)/Time/Rating:Michelle McCool and Layla/4:43/*
-This show is falling off a crater. Maryse hits a French kiss DDT on Gail after the match to absolutely no heat.
-Miz interview. He talks trash about Daniel Bryan, i.e. Bryan Danielson. Miz and Daniel Bryan will be an amazing pair on NXT. Their interaction could make that show, and they could get one of the best feuds of the year. I’m pumped. MVP walks in and they’re apparently having a United States championship match tonight. So glad WWE announces things ahead of time.
-William Regal walks out for absolutely no reason as the most disorganized PPV ever continues. He also talks about NXT and basically explains the concept to all the fans. The fans are so enchanted, they chant “WHAT?” Then Edge walks out, says stuff, and spears Regal. The one important note is that Edge will choose his Wrestlemania opponent on RAW.
United States Championship: The Miz (champion)(w/Big Show) vs. MVP (w/Mark Henry)
Matt Stryker also talks about Daniel Bryan and makes disparaging remarks about him. Is there any doubt who’s getting that contract? Seriously, the various comments are only feeding the IWC’s anger and I for one am thrilled. WWE knows how to piss the IWC better than anyone, and I hope they keep up the good work in this case. MVP and Miz sure are having a match. It’s not much better or worse than the Royal Rumble. Announcers are talking about Tiger Woods, miserable cities, and NXT. Miz almost gets three with a nice gut buster. It’s not that this is a bad match, but because WWE doesn’t announce things ahead of time or have any build-up, it makes it hard to care about these matches. Even better than a match no one cares about is a match no one cares about WITH a bad ending. MVP can’t seem to get any sustained offense until getting a belly-to-belly suplex from the top rope. The Ballin’ elbow also gets two. Big Show pulls his tag team championship partner out. Henry and Show begin brawling. Henry crashes through one of the barriers like the Kool-Aid man. OH YEAH! Big Show punches MVP behind the referee’s back, and Miz gets the win.
-Winner (s)/Time/Rating: STILL United States Champion-The Miz/13:02/**1/2
-They recap what happened earlier with the WWE title in case viewers were flipping back to the United States/Canada men’s hockey game.
-World Heavyweight Championship: The Undertaker (champion) vs. CM Punk (w/Serena and Luke Gallows) vs. R-Truth vs. John Morrison vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho
One of the Wrestlemania main events went up in flames as The Undertaker suffered 1st and 2nd degree burns on his arm and shoulder. ‘Taker looks as disheveled as I’ve ever seen him. Honestly, I can’t blame him for that. The fact that he still walked to the ring is even more amazing. Punk’s prematch promo is a lot of fun he runs down his opponents and in particular talks in Mysterio’s direction.
Punk and R-Truth start. Punk hits a leg lariat and belly-to-back suplex to get things started. Blind charge, and R-Truth eventually leg lariats Punk. Punk is clotheslined to the outside. Punk tries something resembling a powerbomb or piledriver, but R-Truth slingshots him into the chamber. He rams Punk into Mysterio’s chamber. R-Truth hits a dive on to Punk. More ramming into the chamber before they head back inside. Stroke hit, but Punk tries a Go 2 Sleep. R-Truth gets out but misses a spinning dive. Punk hits a big kick and the Go 2 Sleep. Truth is eliminated at 3:34.
Punk gets on the stick again and threatens The Undertaker. That’s the last person I’d be threatening right now. He encourages everyone to put their hand on the screen to take the pledge. No one can stop him… except Rey Mysterio. Hot start leads to a Mysterio crossbody for two. Big kick also gets two. Reversal into the corner. Set-up for the 619, but Punk powerslams him. If this is any indication for their Wrestlemania match, it’s going to be awesome. Punk again tries the Go 2 Sleep, but Mysterio gets a roll-up. To the outside, and Punk rams Mysterio’s head into the chamber twice. High knee in the corner, and Punk rams Mysterio into the chamber headfirst. They battle on the rope. Mysterio knocks him off and heads to the top of the pod. Punk goes for a top rope Go 2 Sleep. Mysterio crotches Punk on the rope and hits a hurancanrana outside the ring. Back inside, Rey Rey hits a legdrop. 1-2-3! Punk is eliminated at 9:59.
Up next, Chris Jericho. These two put on their usual match with all kinds of fast-paced spots and a little lucha thrown in for good measure. These two good sleepwalk to a great match. Mysterio ends his flurry by hitting a 619. Jericho rolls outside and ducks Mysterio diving into the cage. Mysterio hangs on the cage, but Jericho throws him to the floor. Jericho splashes inside for two. Jericho slows the pace down since we’ve quite a ways to go in this match. Mysterio quickly comes back and applies The End Time? Jericho works his way out of it and applies the Walls of Jericho.
Morrison breaks up Walls of Jericho in a really stupid move. Dropkick on Jericho Leg lariat on Mysterio. Jericho tossed to the outside. Back and forth with Rey Rey and Morrison. Rey Rey goes for something off the top, but Morrison hits a huge kick to the head. Jericho and Morrison back in the ring. Morrison climbs to the top but Mysterio pushes him into a chamber. Mysterio is backdropped by Jericho into the chamber. Jesus Christ, I feel bad for Rey Rey. He’s taking a brutal bearing in this match. Morrison flies over and hits both men. Standing shooting star press on Mysterio almost gets two. 619 set-up, but Jericho gets the Lucha backbreaker. I’m not a Lucha fan, but I love that spot. Looks so brutal. Morrison with a huge kick to the face of Jericho. Mysterio headscissors Morrison into the middle turnbuckle. He tries another hurancanrana off the top, but Morrison counters and gets the Starship Pain. Morrison is eliminated at 20:02. Jericho applies the Walls of Jericho as…
Undertaker comes in and goes nuts. Poor Morrison takes a clothesline over the top and I thought his neck might get snapped. ‘Taker tries a double chokeslam, but Jericho and Morrison hit a suplex on ‘Taker. Jericho tries slapping ‘Taker and then hiding. ‘Taker breaks the damn door and goes after Jericho with a flurry of rights. I’ve never been so glad to not be a wrestler. Splash on Morrison in the corner. Another. Snakes eyes, but Morrison hits a chuck kick. He sells the ankle that’s been bothering him the last couple weeks on Smackdown. Starship Pain but ‘Taker gets the knee up. ‘Taker sits up, so Jericho goes back into the chamber and hides. Smart move says I. ‘Taker throws Morrison over the top and works him over. Set-up for The Last Ride. Jericho spears ‘Taker into the chamber as Morrison hangs. ‘Taker with a blind charge and he misses. Jericho and Morrison head back inside the ring. Knee by Morrison gets two. Morrison tries a leap. ‘Taker chokeslams him into the steel Good Lord. ‘Taker brings him back in the ring and simply pins him. Morrison is done at 28:25.
It comes down to these two. Jericho stalls as the crowd gets behind both men. ‘Taker with a series of strikes and kicks. He misses a big kick and is prone on the top rope. Superplex that looked like it sucked for both men. Jericho almost gets two. ‘Taker goes for a chokeslam, but Jericho rolls out and goes for Walls of Jericho. Hell’s Gate attempted, but Jericho ,manages to get the Walls applied. ‘Taker rolls out and gets Hell’s Gate. Jericho gets to the ropes and gets out of the hold. ‘Taker sits up and goes for the Tombstone. CODEBREAKER! 1-2-NO! Jericho punches on the top rope. You know what that means. Last Ride. ‘Taker gets up. Shawn Michaels of all people comes from a trap door and SUPERKICKS THE UNDERTAKER. JERICHO WINS! JERICHO WINS!
-Chris Jericho runs the hell out of the ring in expedient fashion since he wouldn’t want an angry Undertaker chasing him. The Pay-Per-View ends with Shawn Michaels leering over The Undertaker. AWESOME!
-Winner (s)/Time/Rating: NEW World Heavyweight Champion-Chris Jericho/35:34/****
Final Thoughts: The main event and ending saved this from being a godawful Pay-Per-View. The opening match and main event are worth seeing, but fast forward through the middle 90 minutes. That was all a complete waste of everyone’s time. I loved the main event a lot and thought the work put in by everyone made it special. Props to ‘Taker for pushing through and finishing the match when I would have fleed to the back like a little girl if I even saw a little pink on my arm. Put this on your Netflix queue, but don‘t bother with a replay.
Let the road to Wrestlemania… BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!
