WWE PPV Review: Night of Champions

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Hello kiddies, Justin Houston here. I write the Chikara DVD Reviews, the Chikara column (CHIKARMY Insider), and I’m on the Tuesday Podcast. I’m gonna be reviewing WWE PPVs from now until someone else decides they wanna do them. I’m much more of an indy guy, valuing work rate and such, so guys like Jericho, Bryan and Punk have always appealed to me much more than mainstream faces like Cena, Orton and Sheamus. I don’t hate those guys…not completely anyway…they’re just not what I enjoy most about wrestling. Also, to compensate for all the PG-ness I have to endure, I’m not censoring myself like I do elsewhere. Why? ‘Cause fuck it, that’s why. Anyway, tonight was Night of Champions, featuring The Miz putting the US Title on the line against Daniel Bryan, Kane defending the World Heavyweight Title against The Undertaker in the midst of their blood feud, and a Six-Way Elimination Match for the WWE Title. Did it suck? Did it kind of suck? DID IT BLOW MY MIND?! Read on to find out!
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– It’s the three-headed unit of Michael “Gong Show” Cole, Jerry “The King” Lawler and Matt “Inside Joke” Striker out to commentate as usual.
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1. Intercontinental Championship: Dolph Ziggler© vs. Kofi Kingston

Vickie Guerrero is out to introduce her boyfriend and champion, Dolph Ziggler. Rules state that if Ziggler is counted out or disqualified, he loses the title. Kofi comes out to his Jamaican music…despite admitting to being from Ghana. Weee! Ziggler barely misses getting drilled with Trouble in Paradise early, taking control with a few kicks. Kofi dumps Dolph and Vickie comes to console him. Ziggler almost gets counted out and Kofi hits some nice drop kicks back inside. Ziggler this a nice charge in the cover and starts to wear Kofi down. Kingston fights back with a few elbows but Ziggler raises a boot and drops with for two. A leaping elbow drop gets another two. Neck snap on Kofi gets two more. Commentary’s actually pretty funny here. Nice fameasser from Zigs get yet another close two count. He wears Kofi down with a grounded headlock. Kofi fires back with a nice kick from the corner and a huge crossbody for two. Thesz Press from Kingston followed by the Boom Drop. He’s calling for the Paradise Kick…but he misses. SOS on Dolph! 1…2…Zigs gets his foot on the ropes. Crossbody off the apron to Ziggler followed by a bodyslam on the floor. Kofi gets him back in covers. 1…2…Ziggler kicks out. SOS again…no! Ziggler locks on the sleeper! Kofi is fighting it and finally breaks the hold. Trouble in Paradise…but Ziggler ducks. ZIG ZAG! 1…2…3! Ziggler wins the match and keeps the belt. He and Vickie have a moment of disagreement, but Ziggler raises her hand and all is well. Outside of some triangle relationship nonsense at the beginning…which I didn’t care enough to even mention here…this was good, inoffensive stuff. That’s saying something when Vickie Guerrero is involved in something.
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– Edge is interviewed backstage. Says he’s “The Ultimate Opportunist”. Says he’s gonna be champ. He leaves.
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2. Grudge Match: Big Show vs. CM Punk

Punk is announced as being from Chicago and he gets a nice response. Holy balls: Striker says Punk’s friends Scott and Chris are here aka Colt Cabana and Ace Steel. Will we see a Second City Saints reunion tonight?! Pfff…yeah right. Punk says he loves Chicago…and hates the inhabitants. Ha! He says it should be burned to the ground again and he’ll build a straight edge utopia. HA! Big Show comes out and the crowd is still very pro-Punk. Show stops Punk with punches and kicks to the midsection to nullify the speed of Punk. Show chops Punk to the outside and tosses him back in but Punk hits a nice running knee to Big Show on the outside and follows up with a slingshot senton from inside to Show on the floor! Good lawd. Show makes it back in at nine and Punk continues to keep him off his feet with kicks and elbows. He hits a nice buzzsaw kick to the head for two. Punk springboards and Show spears him out of the air! KNOCKOUT PUNCH! 1…2…3! Big Show knocks out Punk for the victory in a criminally short match. Seriously, this deserved more damn time than this or just don’t do it at all. I would have liked to have seen Punk get in more offense, but this was fine for its length I guess. Punk’s decline continues, which is unacceptable, but the Chicago crowd actual liked the finish that saw him get knocked the fug out, so how can I be against it?
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– Chris Jericho is interviewed and he says he’s gonna make sure everybody gets eliminated and walk out with the belt because…he’s the best in the world at what he does. Is he half American Dragon, half Wolverine?
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3. United States Championship: The Miz© vs. Daniel Bryan

A nice video package airs before the match, encapsulating their feud very nicely. Miz comes out first…but he’s champ. Don’t challengers come out first? Bah, whatever. Daniel Bryan comes out to a nice response. Early on, Miz keeps bailing to avoid the very dangerous “American Dragon”. Bryan hits a nice kick to the chest. Miz hits an armbreaker and works over the shoulder, repeatedly tossing him into the corner. Miz wrenches the arms back but Bryan counters into a backslide for two. Miz drops him again with a big boot. Alex Riley wrenches on Bryan’s arm from the floor as Miz distracts the referee. Bryan flips out of a hammerlock but gets caught with a nasty shoulder breaker and Miz covers for two. Miz keeps working different arms like a goof. The crowd chants for Bryan and he tosses Miz outside! Suicide dive to the outside! Back inside he hits a missile dropkick and a kick to the chest. 1…2…Miz kicks out. Bryan goes for the Heel Hook, but Miz fights out. Running kick from Bryan! 1…2…Miz kicks out. The two trade punches and Bryan gets the better. Buzzsaw kick! 1…2…Miz kicks out! Bryan places Miz up top but Miz crotches him and clotheslines him off the ropes! 1…2…Bryan kicks out! Miz locks on a sick armbar and Daniel may be screwed. Bryan escapes the Skull Crushing Finale and gets a roll-up! 1…2…Miz kicks out! Daniel goes for the LeBell Lock…but Riley interferes. Miz accidentally hits Riley! Bryan gets another roll-up! 1…2…Miz kicks out and Bryan is dumped. Riley charges…but Bryan sends him into the post on the outside! He gets back in…small package from Miz! 1…2…Bryan escapes! Miz stalks Bryan again…but Daniel slaps on the LeBell Lock! It’s not quite in as the arm isn’t trapped…but it’s enough! MIZ TAPS! Daniel Bryan is your NEW United States Champion! The crowd pops like crazy and why wouldn’t they? I don’t care if it’s in the WWE, TNA, the indys, Japan, Mexico or Antarctica. That was a great match wherever it takes place. The false finishes at the end were brilliantly done and both guys played their roles to perfection. This was actually better than I thought it be, and I had pretty high expectations.
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– John Cena’s on the mic. He’s rattling off a lot of numbers, some funny, some very lame. He didn’t yell once, so I’m just fine. This show’s been good so far…
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4. Divas & Women’s Title Lumberjill Unification Match: Melina© vs. Michelle McCool©

Ah shit. Michelle attacks Melina before the bell but fails. Melina’s rack is insanely pronounced tonight. Like, late 90’s Trish Stratus levels of awesome. McCool slaps a Lumberjill on the floor after getting dumped. Melina is in full control until Michelle dumps her to the floor off the top. No one’s beating up Melina on the outside. That’s…nice of them. Michelle hits a neckbreaker for two. King tries to say something, they cut to a shot of Kelly Kelly and he just stops talking. Gotta love King. Michelle goes for the Faith Breaker but Melina turns it into an X-Factor. Belly-to-Belly from McCool gets two and absolutely zero response from the crowd. Natalya tries to fight McCool but Michelle bails. Melina gets a roll-up but the refs distracted. Michelle kicks out and goes outside to fight Natalya…but all the Divas gang up on her! Back inside, Melina fights back against Michelle, hitting running knees. Michelle and Melina end up on the outside again, and again the Diva’s only attack McCool. All the women brawl and McCool catches Melina from behind with a boot after a Layla distraction. Michelle McTaker is your Unified Whatever. Woo fucking hoo. NEXT.
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– It’s Wade Barrett’s turn to speak backstage, and he talks about the winds of change, the status quo, & being the future of the WWE. Nicely done. This show is flying by.
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5. World Heavyweight Title No Holds Barred Match: Kane© vs. The Undertaker

Taker tosses Kane off the stage into a huge pillar. Kane works over his brother’s legs but Taker counters with punches. Kane kicks Taker down the ramp as they make their way to the ring. Taker is tossed shoulder-first into the steel steps. Kane continues to beat his brother around the ring and he grabs his World Heavyweight Title, striking Undertaker with it. Kane rolls Taker in and heads north…top rope clothesline connects. Leg drop from Kane gets two. Kane hits a series of corner clotheslines for another two, following it up with a running dropkick. Back outside, Kane stalks Taker and tosses him onto the announce table. Kane hits Taker with the flimsy table cover and goes to toss him into the steel steps, but Taker counters, sending Kane crashing into them! Taker tries to build momentum, hitting the apron leg drop on Kane. No count-outs here, so they’re been outside far more than inside the ring. Taker tosses Kane over the barricade, walks away and the charges, diving over the barricade onto Kane. Kane drills Taker with a chair shot to the ribs to regain control. They fight into the crowd where Kane hits a running knee to the head of a prone Undertaker. Kane hits a big diving right hand from the barricade to Taker back at ringside. They are finally back inside where Kane keeps doing that whole beating Taker’s ass thing. The Undertaker is barely standing. Kane’s taunting him. I’m bored. I wanna watch football. The two giants trade punches in the center and Taker hits his diving lariat. Charge in the corner from Taker followed by punches. Snake Eyes, Big Boot, and the Leg Drop! 1…2…Kane kicks out. Chokeslam to Kane! He’s too tired to cover though and Taker calls for the end. Tombstone…KANE REVERSES! TOMBSTONE TO THE UNDERTAKER! That came out of nowhere! 1…2…3! Kane is victorious over his brother in a fairly boring match. It told a nice story and had a very, very smart finish that paid everything they did off…but the middle of the match was dreadful. The commentators wonder if this is the end of an era and the beginning of another. WHAT?! Yeah, it’s the end of a 45 year old to make way for a 43 year old. Jesus Fucking Sanchez, gimme a break. I’m gonna go pee. Here’s hoping I don’t miss anything.
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6. WWE Tag Team Championships Tag Team Turmoil Match

Oh lord. I wished I spent more time peeing. The Hart Dynasty and The Uso Brothers start things off. Tyson gets a few nice roll-ups before eating a big top-rope move. He tags out to DH, who cleans house, hitting a big belly-to-belly to one of the Uso brothers. Tyson springboards, wobbles for a second, but hits a nice moonsault to the Usos on the outside. The Usos attack from behind and pin Hart. Santino & Kozlov come out and Santino goes to town on one of the Usos. The fans are going crazy! Santino is distracted by Tamina and eats a Samoan Drop for three. Evan Bourne & Mark Henry are out now aka Heaven & Earth. Bourne takes out the Usos and then Henry gets a turn. World’s Strongest Slam to Uso B followed by Bourne with the Shooting Star Press! The Usos are gone and the final team is “Dashing” Cody Rhodes & “The Donkey Fucker” Drew McIntyre. Evan is beaten down by the endlessly boring McIntyre and Rhodes comes in. McIntyre reenters and just like that I’m bored again. Bourne eats a short-arm clothesline for two. The crowd is behind Bourne big, but Cody prevents him from tagging. Seriously, Cody still looks like a crazy person not wearing kneepads. A knee to the gut gets McIntyre another two. McIntyre fucks a donkey and goes back to work on Bourne. It’s awkward for everyone involved, especially the innocent donkey. Bourne tags in Henry and Cody falls on his way to his beating. Corner charge on Rhodes. Military press. HE’S CALLING FOR THE SSP. Oh, he wants Evans to do it. McIntyre interrupts, Cody hits Cross Rhodes on Bourne, and The Beautiful People are the penny champions. That tag team name’s not taken, is it?
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– I don’t wanna meet Alberto Del Rio, but I’m forced to. He’s the Spanish Brawny Man. He says he’s very smart, very wealthy, and not bound by limitations. He’s the Mexican JBL.
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– I think Sheamus cut a promo. I don’t know. I wasn’t really listening. Something about everybody always being after his World Title…or Lucky Charms. OR BOTH. SQUAT THRUSTS!

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7. WWE Title Elimination Match: Sheamus© vs. Orton vs. Cena vs. Barrett vs. Jericho vs. Edge

Sheamus, Edge, Chris Jericho & John Cena all enter. Wade Barrett comes out and gets pretty good heat, but it may be for his shitty intro music. Randy Orton enters and King yells, “Whoa!” Did he not know Orton was in this match? It’s a title match, so everyone gets an official introduction. This is clearly Ortonville, as the fans go Grape Nuts for his shiny ass. Sheamus gets the least heat out of everyone. MORE SQUAT THRUSTS, PALE FORCE! MORE! Everybody’s brawling and it’s dawning on me how hard this is going to be to follow. Jericho and Orton are left inside after the brouhaha. Cena & Jericho brawl. Bulldog to Jericho. RKO TO JERICHO! NO! 1…2…3! Jericho is gone! What the fuckity hippo shit is this?! The fans chant “Y2J”…you had your chance to cheer him! You refused, Chicago! You go and die, Chi-Town crowd! Now Barrett is the target. He’s beaten down and dumped. Orton and Cena are left inside. Everyone gangs up on them. Barrett tries to order Sheamus & Edge around and he gets handed his ass. Cena throws his first dropkick ever. Orton and Cena circle again…like cocks…in a cock fight…of people. RKO…countered. Attitude Adjuster…countered. Barrett drops everybody but Sheamus, who drops him. It’s Sheamus versus Cena now, and Sheamus wisely rolls out, attacks everyone to keep them down, and goes back to work on Cena. Sheamus goes for the High Cross, but Cena counters. He is dropped by Edge and he & Sheamus target Superman. They place him on the top rope. Superplex to Cena and Edge covers. 1…2…Cena kicks out. I guess Edge and Sheamus are buddies now as they team up to target everybody on the outside and Orton in the ring. Orton “changes gears” to take everybody down but Sheamus grounds him with the double axe handle. Edge & Sheamus turn on each other and Edge calls for the Spear, which wakes the crowd up a bit. Edge misses. Irish Curse to Edge! Sheamus looks for the Brogue Kick…but misses. Spear to Sheamus! Spear to Orton! Attitude Adjuster to Edge! 1…2…3! Edge is now gone and the crowd is disappointed once again. Cena tries to give Barrett the AA, but he turns it into a DDT. Right hands from Barrett, but Cena does his Superman Series and calls for the AA again. Sheamus runs at him, but he counters and locks the STF on Sheamus! Sheamus gets to the ropes. Oh fucking hell, Nexus comes out. They distract Cena! WASTELAND TO CENA! 1…2…3! Cena’s gone and the crowd goes wild. Seriously, they loved it. Barrett stalks Orton after getting beaten down by Nexus. CENA goes BANANAS on Nexus with a chair. RKOs for everybody! THE FINAL ONE TO BARRETT! 1…2…3! It’s down to Orton & Sheamus… Brogue Kick to Orton! 1…2…NO! Orton kicks out! Sheamus looks for the High Cross……counter! RRRRRKKKKOOOO! 1…2…3~! Randy Orton wins his 7th World Championship! He’s–wow, seventh? Jesus. Anyway, I have very few problems with this match and I’m a sucker for Elimination Matches, so I enjoyed the fuck out of this. I still don’t give two tugs of a hobo’s cock about Randal Keith, but the crowd was beyond into him. This was borderline worship. He’s over. The RKO is over. PPV’s over…as in finished.
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Overall Thoughts

Look, I have to preface something right now: I would never, ever pay for a WWE PPV outside of WrestleMania, maybe the Rumble, and a Daniel Bryan main event match. You are never truly rewarded for the money you spend, so I’m not going to say, “Well, it was good…but it wasn’t 50 bucks worth of good.” It will NEVER be fifty bucks worth of good outside of the scenarios I just mentioned. So now that that’s out of the way, I should say that I enjoyed this show. It wasn’t perfect or even great, but it was pretty good. Out of the FOUR title changes, I only liked one of them. Taker/Kane & Show/Punk were very disappointing. The Divas…Women’s…the Ladies’ Jumblefuck was only bearable thanks to gratuitous shots of the girls at ringside. The Tag Team Turmoil…*shivers*. However, Ziggler/Kingston & the Main Event were both really fun and Miz/Bryan was excellent. I’m not used to watching WWE PPVs start to finish, so I’ll be interested to see if others fall in line with my personal beliefs on this show. Maybe I was just in a good mood but, despite some bullshit, I had a really good time watching this.
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