WWE PPV Review: WrestleMania XXVII

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This is it: the biggest wrestling event of the year! WrestleMania XXVII is in my home town of Atlanta, but guess what? I didn’t go! No, this isn’t a poverty thing or even a restraining order dealio. I just flat out didn’t wanna go! Good news for you though, as I’m here to review the pay-per-view! The card is topped with Edge & The Miz defending their titles against Alberto Del Rio & John Cena respectively, Michael Cole taking on Jerry Lawler, Randy Orton facing CM Punk and “The Last Outlaw” The Undertaker going one-on-one with The Streak on the line against “The Game” Triple H! Of course, The Rock is also the event’s host! Will I regret not going? Will I crap all over this show just to prove a point? Read on to find out!

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Writer’s Note: I was looking forward to precisely two matches at this year’s WrestleMania: HHH/Taker and Sheamus/Bryan. For some reason, the latter was demoted to a dark match. It was a Lumberjack match that became a Battle Royal that The Great Khali ultimately won. This…infuriates me beyond words. I’m trying to swear less in these damn WWE PPV Reviews, so I won’t go any further than this: I don’t give a dead dog’s leg about this PPV. I saw four wrestling shows in a span of less than two days, I am running on very little sleep and I’ve got a burning migraine. I will try and remain thoughtful and impartial, but I make no promises. Don’t like it? Don’t read it. You’ve been warned.

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~ The Rock is out to open the show as WrestleMania’s host. Holy balls, the set looks amazing. It always does, but I just thought I’d say it anyway. Rock asks if I can taste or smell electricity. He says WRESTLE, the fans say MANIA. He takes another fairly weak shot at Cena. Rock just wanders amused during a series of chants. He takes a swig from the People’s Water. Rock says YABBA, the People say DABBA. He runs through his catchphrases with a few adjustments for Atlanta. He saves his last and most famous catchphrase for last. With his Team Bring It stuff and holier than thou attitude, he comes off like a Tony Robbins disciple nowadays.

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1. World Heavyweight Title: Edge© w/ Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio w/ Brodus Clay

Damn, surprised this is leading off. Edge gets an early advantage with a back body drop but eats a kick to the arm of Edge. He gets shoved into the barricade on the outside and his arm slammed into the ringsteps. He slams Edge’s arm on the announcer’s table and they head back inside. Edge hits a nice dive to the outside but when he goes back inside, Del Rio catches him with a top rope arm drag! 1…2…Edge kicks out. Boot from Edge, followed by a press. 1…2…Alberto kicks out. Del Rio goes from the cross armbreaker but Edge counters into a mat slam! 1…2…Del Rio kicks out. Edge tries an O’Connor Roll but Del Rio turns it into the cross armbreaker! Edge makes it to the ropes fairly quickly. Alberto catches him with a kick to the head and covers for two. Clay hits a fallaway slam on Christian on the outside after Brodus tries to interfere and Edge gets a roll-up for two. Implant DDT! He calls for the Spear…but he misses! Clay smashes Edge’s shoulder into the pole! Cross armbreaker! Edge is in trouble, but he manages to reverse it into the Edgecator! Clay tries to interfere but Christian plants him with a Tornado DDT on the outside! Del Rio rolls out of the Edgecator…and eats a spear! 1…2…3! Edge retains the title and Del Rio’s dreams of being champion are ruined. Afterwards, Edge & Christian take turns destroying the $100,000 Rolls-Royce that Del Rio rolled in on. He cries. I laugh. Not a bad match; there was a lot of interference, too much really, but that’s not surprising. The wrong guy won, but Del Rio NEVER should have been in this position anyway.

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2. Grudge Match #1: Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio

Mysterio comes out dressed as…Captain America. It’s really bad. Mysterio hits an early huracanrana but eats an elbow. Rhodes hangs Rey on the ropes and drops him with a nice rebound roundhouse to the face. Cody blocks a rana and hits an Alabama Slam. Kind of an awesome nod to Cody’s first title reign. Rhodes switches his attention from Rey’s face to his knee. Rey fires back and heads north but Rhodes meets him with a headbutt! DELAYED SUPERPLEX ON MYSTERIO! Wow! 1…2…Rey kicks out. Mysterio hits a nice armdrag, sending Cody outside. Baseball slide! He goes for a second, Cody dodges, but he then eats a headscissors into the apron! Top rope senton! They trade counters and Mysterio gets a nice pinfall. 1…2…Cody kicks out. Rey goes for a wheelbarrow move, but Cody counters with a German Suplex! 1…2…Mysterio gets the shoulder up. He hits a nice headscissors, but Cody catches 619 and hits a second-rope guillotine for another two. He takes off Rey’s knee brace, but Rey fights back and hits a moonsault press! 1…2…Cody kicks out. Rey takes off Cody’s mask! 619! Cody counters a splash, but Rey counters that into a buzzsaw kick! He then puts on Cody’s mask and starts hitting flying headbutts! Springboard headbutt! 1…2…Cody kicks out again. Rey goes for a dive but Rhodes decks him with the knee brace! Cross Rhodes! 1…2…3! Cody Rhodes wins a really fun match. They did a lot of inventive stuff, but it wasn’t as good a match as a lot of Cody’s bizarrely die-hard fans will no doubt want you to believe.

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~ Snoop Dog is in the back with Theodore Long looking for talent for his next tour. Teddy’s apparently lined up some “talent” for him to judge. William Regal raps, Khali & Beth sing, Ryder sings “Friday” and gets decked by Piper, Masters & Tatsu do some bizarre sh**, and then Hornswoggle comes out. Horny feigns the ability to speak, Snoop & Long leave, and then he raps. Aside from Regal, Masters & Tatsu, this was incredibly embarrassing.

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3. Eight-Man Tag: The Corre (Barrett/Gabriel/Slater/Zeke) vs. Kane, Big Show, Santino Marella & Kofi Kingston

Santino hits an early hip toss and tags in Show, who mauls everyone but eats a surprise clothesline from Big Zeke. Kane dumps Jackson, Wade dumps Kane and Kingston takes out Barrett with a dive. Santino hits The Cobra on Slater and Big Show absolutely kills Heath with a punch! 1…2…3! Show, Kane, Santino & Kofi are victorious in fast fashion. What could I even say about this? It HAPPENED…just barely, but it happened.

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~ The Rock is with Eve, telling her that he can create magic. He says he can create magic at any moment. Mae Young shows up and demands The People’s Strudel. He calls her a Divasaurus. She slaps him on the ass. Rock complains and asks why it couldn’t have been someone else. STEVE AUSTIN SHOWS UP! They have a short, intense confrontation. Good segment.

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4. Nexus Is Barred From Ringside: CM Punk vs. Randy Orton

Huge cheers for Punk, but he eats a hard uppercut and a lariat to the outside. Punk dodges a whip into the steps and kicks them into Orton’s leg brilliantly. Punk hits a crossbody for two and Orton seems hobbled. Orton hits his unnamed-for-eternity backbreaker but can’t follow up due to the lingering leg pain. This allows Punk to retake control on the mat, target the knee he busted up with the wrench two weeks ago. Corner knee strike! 1…2…Orton kicks out. Punk hangs Orton in the Tree of Woe and stomps him off the top for another two. He calls for the GTS, but Orton blocks! RKO attempt, but he hits a sick kick to Randy’s face! 1…2…Orton kicks out again. He heads north but Randy crotches him and heads up top. SUPERPLEX! 1…2…Punk kicks out and continues the assault on Randy’s knee with a ringpost figure four! Orton headbutts out of a submission then hits the Viper Series and an Angle Slam. 1…2…Punk kicks out. Punk hits a few kicks and a leg sweep, locking on the Anaconda Vice! He breaks free, hits the Hangman’s DDT and calls for the RKO! However, he pulls back and gets ready for a punt to the head…and shockingly his leg gives out. Moron. Punk smiles and walks toward him. RKO…no! Punk blocks at the last second! Punk goes for a springboard move and eats an RKO! 1…2…3! Orton wins with a crazy finish. The match was pretty good, but it’s better knowing that they told a great story without blowing off the feud or having Randy go Grape Nuts.

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~ The Rock & Pee Wee Herman are together in the back. Rock convinces him to join Team Bring It. He does his version of Rock’s famous catchphrase. Whatever.

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~ The Hall of Fame inductees come out: Abdullah the Butcher, Sunny, Animal, Paul Ellering, Drew Carey, Bob Armstrong, Jim Duggan and that Michaels guy.

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~ Booker T comes out to call the next match, and he’s joined by…JIM ROSS! Woo hoo!

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5. Grudge Match #2: Michael Cole w/ Jack Swagger vs. Jerry Lawler; Steve Austin is referee

Cole is out in a bright orange…everything. He rips JR, King, Austin and the fans. Fans seem indifferent right now, which is a little surprising. Swagger comes out and starts his push-ups, but Austin interrupts and nearly runs Swagger over! Cole hides in the Cole Mine. He’s in a bright orange singlet, too. Cole says he ain’t ready, but Austin rings the bell anyway. King tosses Swagger into the barricade and goes after Cole, who begs for mercy. He reaches through the holes for a handshake, Jerry obliges and repeatedly slams his face into the glass! Cole’s face is PRICELESS. King beats down on Cole in the Mine. He tosses him head-first into the Raw GM’s podium. He rolls Cole in but Swagger lays King out and locks on the ankle lock! Lawler is tapping out from the pain on the outside. Cole demands he be counted out, which Austin obliges loosely. Cole goes after Lawler’s leg and the crowd could not care less. He continues his assault and goes for the Swagger Bomb but he’s afraid. He finally does it from the FIRST rope and he covers. 1…2…King kicks out easily. Fans are finally getting angry, getting MEAN. The An-Cole Lock is applied! King may tap out! He finally kicks Cole into the corner and stomps a mud hole! Swagger tosses in the towel for it to be over and Austin just wipes his head with it! STUNNER TO SWAGGER! Cole realizes he’s screwed and pleads with Stone Cold for leniency. Right hands from King! He is LAYING into him right now. DROPKICK TO THE FACE! Yikes! King heads to the top, drops the strap and hits the Fist Drop. 1…2…Lawler pulls him up! Austin and King are laughing like crazy. He applies the ankle lock, Cole is tapping out like mad but Austin feigns like he doesn’t understand! Ha! He finally calls for the bell, and this one is over. King wins via submission and hopefully this feud is over. This started absolutely awfully but picked up and became pretty fun by the end.

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~ King & Stone Cold do a double toast and now Booker T wants in. He rolls in and does the Spinarooni. They toast and Booker eats a stunner, too. The Raw GM chimes in and it’s Josh Matthews to deliver the bad news: “The referee blatantly overstepped his bounds, King is disqualified and Cole is the winner”. Ugh, that is awful. Matthews is rolled in and he eats a stunner as well. Utterly stupid. This means that we’ll be treated to months of Cole’s bragging for sure. Where the hell is The Rock? Way to host, bub.

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6. No Holds Barred: Triple H vs. The Undertaker

Triple H’s entrance is insane. He comes out to “For Whom the Bell Tolls” in full Spartan garb. The lights go out, his real entrance music hits and he appears as usual. Okay. Taker makes his usual entrance. I’m pretty excited for this match and the show’s been pretty good so far. Trips loses the control early after being tossed over the top. He tosses Triple H into the ringsteps and takes apart the Spanish announcers table, but he turns around and Trips awkwardly shoves him into the Cole Mine, destroying it. Taker reenters, hitting his leaping lariat. Crowd is JACKED for this. He goes for Old School but Triple H tosses him off the top and clotheslines him outside. Trips sends him crashing into the barricade and he takes apart the…English announcer’s table? Triple H teases a pedigree through the table, but Triple H is instead backdropped to the floor! Holy s*** that looked hard. Trips is clutching his left arm. No count-out due to the rules. Taker takes off to dive at Triple H and doesn’t get a whole hell of a lot of him. Yikes. Taker places the ringsteps near the Spanish table. Oh boy. He smashes Hunter’s head into the steps and drags him up, calling for a Tombstone. Trips reverses and tosses Taker away while still standing on the steps. Undertaker runs and he eats a SWEET spinebuster through the table! Good grief. The rolls back in and Undertaker chokeslams him! 1…2…Triple H kicks out. He calls for the Last Ride but Trips blocks him into the corner. Hunter goes for corner punches, Taker tries Last Ride again, Triple H counters out and looks for the Pedigree, but Taker hits Snake Eyes and looks for the boot. Trips catches him with the spinebuster! 1…2…Taker kicks out. Hunter brings in a chair but Taker boots him and takes it for himself, hammering away at the back of The Game. He goes for a headshot (which EVERYONE knows won’t happen) and Trips reverse into the Pedigree! 1…2…Taker kicks out! They head north but Undertaker counters into the Last Ride. 1…2…Triple H kicks out again. Phenom calls for Tombstone and connects. 1…2…NO! Triple H kicks out. Taker sets up the steel chair for another Tombstone but Triple H counters with a DDT onto the chair. They take forever to get up and Trips hits yet another Pedigree! 1…2…Taker kicks out again! He hits a third! 1…2…Taker kicks out a third time. I’d tell Trips to try something else, but…what else does he have? He grabs the chair and staggers to his feet. Chair shots to the back, with Trips yelling for Taker to stay down. A sick number of shots and Trips finally tires. He looks for one more…AND IT’S RIGHT TO TAKER’S DOME! AHH! The Game sees The Phenom stirring and is in disbelief. Goozle from Taker but he can’t hold on! Triple H slits the throat! TOMBSTONE TO TAKER! 1…2…NO! UNDERTAKER KICKS OUT! Trips is in utter shock. His left arm still useless, he goes and grabs an old friend from under the ring: the sledgehammer! Taker locks in Hell’s Gate! He’s fading! He finally grabs the sledgehammer but he fades once more and drops it! HE TAPS! The Streak continues! Afterwards, Taker has to be carted out and Triple H limps to the back. This was really tremendous, but it’s not without a few faults. Shawn countered Hell’s Gate and Hunter should’ve known how. In fact, they didn’t do a single callback to either Michaels match that I saw. There wasn’t much of a story in the first half, and the “Why won’t you die?” stuff at the end felt like a cheap extension of what Taker/HBK already built. However, this had a ton of sick spots, the reactions of both men were tremendous and, despite it seeming implausible, Taker’s kickouts were worked magnificently seeing as he never mounted an ounce of offense at the end and spent a good amount of the time on his back. This wasn’t as good as last year’s Taker match, but it was damn close.

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7. Six-Person Tag: John Morrison, Trish Stratus & Snooki vs. Dolph Ziggler & Michelle McCool & Layla

They brawl to start, Ziggler yells at Snooki and she slaps the taste outta his mouth. McCool pushes Layla away and eats a few chops from Stratus. McCool goes for the Styles Clash but Trish counters into a facebuster. Stratusphere is blocked and they both tumble HARD outside. Trish hits a double clothesline to the outside on Lay-Cool and covers McCool inside for two. Chick Kick! 1…2…Ziggler breaks it up and Morrison clotheslines him outside. STARSHIP PAIN TO THE OUTSIDE! Snooki tags in. HANDSPRING SPLASH IN THE CORNER! HOLY CRAP! She then hits an awkward cartwheel splash. 1…2…3! WOW. Team Snooki is victorious in a blink-or-you’ll-miss-it contest. I gotta be honest: this was fun as hell. This show has REALLY picked up.

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~ An absolutely amazing video package airs for The Miz. Seriously, go watch it as soon as it’s online. Miz has a nice entrance, with “AWESOME” spelled out in the entranceway. John Cena one-ups him with a full choir, a video package just as good as the previous and a new color combo: red, white & blue. The crowd craps on all of this though. Whatever.

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8. WWE Championship: The Miz© w/ Alex Riley vs. John Cena

Cena hits an early hip toss and Miz puts on the brakes. He takes control off of an unclean break and hits the corner lariat for an early two. Cena hits a big slam, covering for two of his own. Miz bizarrely hits a Side Effect for two. He misses the corner clothesline and eats Cena’s top rope Fameasser. 1…2…Miz kicks out. Miz hits a boot to the head for two. Cena badly misses a splash and ends up on the floor. Back in, Cena hits the Superman Series and goes for the Attitude Adjustment but Miz counters it into a DDT. 1…2…Cena gets the shoulder up. Miz counters an STF attempt with his neckbreaker combo for another two. Miz exposes a turnbuckle but ends up in the STF! Miz breaks the hold and Riley runs Cena’s head into the steel turnbuckle! SKULL CRUSHING FINALE! 1…2…Cena kicks out. He goes for a second but Cena accidentally flings Miz into the ref. Attitude Adjustment, but the ref’s out. Riley decks him with the briefcase. Miz covers. 1……2……Cena kicks out! Riley distracts the ref and Miz goes for another briefcase shot but Cena hits the AA! 1…2…Miz kicks out and rolls to the outside! Cena clotheslines Miz HARD over the barricade and then spears Miz onto the concrete floor. Both men are counted out. Uh…what? THE ROCK IS FINALLY HERE AGAIN! Ugh…the Raw GM chimes in. Rock goes to the podium and reads the e-mail up to a certain point…before smashing it! He says the match will now be no disqualification or count-outs. Cena goes for the AA, but Rock hits the Rock Bottom. Miz covers and retains. Ugh. Rock then beats on The Miz and calls for The People’s Elbow. He connects. What an awful ending to a really fun show.

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Overall Thoughts

Here’s the thing: just about everything I said would happen with the Rock/Cena/Miz stuff came true. The Rock interacted with absolutely zero people that mattered other than Cena & Miz, that match wound up an awful affair and The Rock stood tall over two men who’ve busted their butts for the company all year. The was, as PWP’s own Matt Waters put it, “[The] worst ending to mania since Triple H won in 2000”. Just like I said, the only match that REALLY delivered was HHH/Taker. It was truly awesome. However, I was dead wrong about it being a terrible show. Orton/Punk told a great story, Rhodes/Mysterio was solid, King/Cole & Edge/ADR had great heel-humbling moments, and even the Snooki six-way delivered. However, the eight-man was needlessly short, the axing of Bryan/Sheamus off the main card was brainless, the GM reversing the King/Cole decision ensured months of awful commentary and the main event was craptacular. Overall, it wasn’t up to Mania standards but I still somehow enjoyed myself throughout…and that’s really saying something. I’m still exhausted, still harboring a bad headache and my butt hurts. Screw Rock. Go Snooki. Chuck Taylor’s a beast. Good night from Atlanta.

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As always, I apologize for any typos or Freudian slips that make this either hard to read or uncomfortable to think about. I am a poor typer with an overactive mind. Sometimes, things just don’t come out right. Forgive me…or ultimately perish with unnecessary judgment congesting your very soul. The choice is yours.

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