WWE PPV Review: Extreme Rules

The immediate post-WrestleMania landscape in the WWE has, in years past, produced some excellent in-ring work. This year, Extreme Rules looks to build off of wrestling’s biggest event with a card filled with violent, dangerous gimmick matches! Highlights include Randy Orton taking on CM Punk in a Last Man Standing Match, Rey Mysterio facing Cody Rhodes in a Falls Count Anywhere Match, Christian meeting Alberto Del Rio in a Ladder Match for World Heavyweight Championship and The Miz putting his WWE Title on the line against both John Cena and John Morrison in a Steel Cage Main Event!

~ Josh Matthews says hello from Tampa, who is with Jerry Lawler and Booker T. The first match pits Smackdown’s newest wrestler grappler fighter fruitcake nutcase haberdashery superstar man candy, Randy Orton, taking on CM Punk, leader of Evolution The Corre DX Straight Edge Society Right to Censor Nexus The Nation of Hateration.

1. Last Man Standing Match: Randy Orton vs. CM Punk

Punk exposes a turnbuckle before the bell. A stubbly Orton decks Punk with an early lariat, sending Punk to the outside. Orton smashes him on the ring steps and peppers Punk with lariats. Punk takes control inside, drilling Randall with a knee drop. Orton hits one of his own and Punk bails again. Randy comes around to catch him and eats a kendo stick shot to the ribs! He strikes him again and rolls Orton back inside. With a second kendo stick in play, Punk decks him with it again. Orton briefly grabs a kendo but Punk drops him with a sole butt kick. Orton finally grabs one and wails on Punk, hitting his backbreaker to send him to the apron. Orton goes for the Hangman’s DDT, but Punk counters with a slingshot into the steel turnbuckle. He wedges a chair into the adjacent buckle. They counter each other quite a lot before Orton tosses Punk shoulder-first into the chair! On the outside once again, Orton crunches him with a snap powerslam on the floor! Punk manages to get up at 8 as Orton clears off the announcer’s table. Punk kills him with a roundhouse but Orton rises at 8, too. Orton hits Punk with a back suplex onto the barrier, rolls Punk inside and calls for the RKO. Punk counters with a legsweep and hits the Go 2 Sleep! Orton somehow gets up at nine and Punk fetches a chair. He drops Orton with a Russian legsweep on the chair and the count continues. Punk goes for another one on an open chair, but Orton counters nicely into the RKO! Punk gets up at nine and runs away. Orton hits him with a HARD clothesline over the barrier. Orton teases a Hangman’s DDT on the outside, but Punk counters by pushing him into the steel post! He puts a chair around his neck and does it again. It looks really weak but Lawler sells it like death, calling it “too extreme”. Riiiight. Orton again rises at nine. Punk drags him to the announcer’s table but Randy hits the RKO! It doesn’t break though. Punk is back up and he drops Orton face-first on the ringsteps! Orton once again gets up at nine. Frustrated, Punk rolls Randy back in and needs the assistance of a kendo stick to walk the steps. He heads north for some reason. Randy drills him over and over with the kendo stick as he dangles lifelessly. Randy follows him to the top rope! SECOND ROPE RKO! The count is on for both men. Orton is up at 9! Punk is up at…he can’t get up! Orton wins a really fun match. It seems we’ve finally found SOMEONE who has chemistry with Randy Orton, a guy who, for years, had bad match after bad match with everybody. He wins the feud and moves on the Smackdown to replace former tag partner Edge as their top face.

~ Jerry Lawler heads to the back in preparation for his match against Michael Cole. Once again, The Draft brand changes are run down.

~ Sheamus is with Teddy Long, who says he is defending his United States Title tonight against Kofi Kingston. Sheamus demands to see Kofi’s birth certificate. Teddy says something even less clever. Zzzzz.

~ John Morrison is shown warming up parkour-style. Just in case you forgot, he knows parkour.

2. United States Title Tables Match: Sheamus© vs. Kofi Kingston

Kofi attacks early, wailing on the big Irish brute. Sheamus stops Kofi from bringing in a table and attacks him on the floor. Kofi then does the exact same thing. He sets up the table on the floor, puts Sheamus on it, goes to the apron and sets up for a Boom Boom legdrop through it. Sheamus rolls away and fight off Kingston, dragging out yet another table. He sets up for the High Cross but Kofi blocks. They go back inside and Kofi almost sends him off the apron through it but Sheamus counter with a slingshot shouldertackle inside. Sheamus rams a third table into the ribs of Kofi and tosses it on top of him a few times. He poses on top of Kofi and gets some nice heat. Sheamus sets up the table in the corner and goes for a running spinebuster through it, but Kofi counters with a double stomp! He goes for the splash but Sheamus dodges. Kofi dodges a Brogue Kick on the inside, rolling to the apron. Sheamus then hits him with one their but it sends him JUST beyond the table range. Sheamus sets up one inside and they both head to the top. Kofi blocks a second rope slam but Sheamus once again regains control on the apron. Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise! Unfortunately, Sheamus falls just short of the table. He uses it to get up though, hovering over it. Kingston is on the tope rope! BOOM BOOM LEGDROP THROUGH THE TABLE ON SHEAMUS! NEW CHAMP! Kofi is your NEW United States champion! That was a sick finish! The match was a little plodding at times, as it seems to have double served as a way to set-up tables for other matches later on.

~ R-Truth cuts yet another AWESOME promo in the back. Whoever decided to unleash Killings on an unsuspecting WWE Universe deserves a medal of some kind.

~ Michael Cole is out in bubble wrap. BUBBLE. WRAP. Jack Swagger’s there, too. Finally something great comes from the utterly disgusting feud. He makes fun of King and JR…again. WHY WON’T THIS FEUD DIE?!?!?

3. Country Whuppin’ Tag Match: Michael Cole & Jack Swagger vs. Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross

I’m pretty sure this is basically a strap match. I’m not a hundy on that though. JR gets in a shot on Swags. King whips him around the ring and Cole tags in. The strap isn’t working on the bubble wrap so King decks him and tears off the wrapping. Swagger enters, wails on King with the belt and ties the hands of Lawler. Cole gets the tag and hits him with some strikes before running scared once again. King is released and they work him over s’mo. King dodges the Vader Bomb and lays into Jack. Cole tries to break it up, distracts Cole and Swagger locks on the ankle lock. JR breaks it up from the apron and King hits a DDT. Ross tags in and locks in an ankle lock of his own! Jack dives and tags Cole! JR drags him in and slams his head into the turnbuckles over and over. Ross does a crazy dance and just runs over Cole! HOLY GOD! Jim Ross locks on the ankle lock, but Swagger breaks it up. JR low-blows Swagger, but Cole gets a cradle for three. Cole & Swagger are victorious yet again. God I hate that this is continuing. KILL THIS. KILL THIS FEUD! PLEASE!!! The end stuff with fun, but this is just a waste of everyone’s time, participants included.

~ John Cena says he hasn’t been champ in 10 months. He says a lot has happened since then, but his world titleless streak will end TONIGHT.

~ Cody Rhodes comes out and has some guys hand out paper bags to the fans…because they’re ugly. Does Cody understand we can see right through his mask? There’s nothing…he doesn’t…whatever.

4. Falls Count Anywhere Match: Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio

Mysterio hits a headscissors on the floor early. Cody drops him and covers for two. Mysterio & Cody end up on the entrance where Rey hits a running seated senton to Cody on the floor! 1…2…Cody kicks out. Rhodes crotches Rey and decks him off the stands for two. Rey hits some kicks to Rhodes as they travel through the crowd. Cody locks on a sick Boston Crab through a guardrail, but lets it go. They climb higher and higher. As my girlfriend notes, they are really taking this “Anywhere”. They are now in the concessions area, where Mysterio slams a garbage can on him for two. Cody hits his rebound Yakuza on the floor! A HOLY S*** CHANT BREAKS OUT! Mysterio hits a crossbody on the floor to Cody and covers for another two. They finally make their way back down, because that’s ALWAYS what happens in these things. Rey sets something up but Cody just walks away from it, hiptossing Mysterio onto the floor! Rey eats a wheelbarrow facebuster onto the ring steps! 1…2…Rey kicks out! A springboard crossbody gets Rey two, as does a top rope headbutt to a standing Cody. He sets up for the 619 and he exposes his knee brace, but Cody dodges it. Rhodes hits an Alabama Slam for another two. The fans chant for “619” and Rey is placed on top. He mists Rhodes, hits the 619 and a springboard kamikaze splash! 1…2…3! Mysterio wins yet another good match on this PPV. Nothing completely mind-blowing, but all three singles matches have delivered on some level.

~ Layla is in the back with the rest of the Divas. She says this could be her last match, so she apologizes. They tell her they don’t like her, but they like Michelle McCool much less. So…there’s that.

~ Michael Cole is, unfortunately, back out to commentate. He compares himself to Batman and Bruce Wayne. Still, no one cares.

5. Loser Leaves WWE: Michelle McCool vs. Layla

Michelle McCool strikes before the bell, getting a quick two. They brawl on the floor. They both get smashed into the announcer’s table and McCool covers back insider for another two. Layla comes back with a dropkick for two. Michelle begs for forgiveness and then hits a belly-to-belly slam. 1…2…Layla kicks out. On the outside, both Diva’s are on the barrier and McCool slams her with a facebuster to the floor! Back inside, Michelle screams at her. Diamond Dust from Layla! 1…2…McCool kicks out! Big Boot from Michelle and she goes for the Faith Breaker but Layla counters with The Layout! 1…2…Michelle gets her foot on the ropes. They do a sick series of counters and McCool hits the Faith Breaker! 1…2…Layla counters! 1…2…3! Michelle is gone from the WWE! That was a pretty good exit, too. Outside of ColeSwag/RossLaw, everything else on this show has worked for me.

~ Afterwards, Michelle McCool looks distraught and the fans chant for her to leave. Music hits! IT’S AWESOME KONG…ER, KHARMA! Kharma stares down McCool as she basically begs for her life. Implant Buster! Kharma laughs like crazy and then just stops. The Diva’s are shown looking on in the back. They don’t seem pleased.

6. World Heavyweight Title Ladder Match: Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio

Due to Edge’s retirement and relinquishing of the championship, one of these men will win their very first WWE world title tonight. Christian takes advantage early with a second rope uppercut, fetching a ladder afterwards. ADR stops him and shoves Christian under the ring for some reason. Christian shows up on the other side and dropkicks a ladder into Alberto. Christian gets halfway up the ladder and ADR pulls him down. Del Rio tries to climb, Christian pushes him off but Alberto comes back with an enzuigiri. Christian sends him over the top but ADR pulls him out with him. He bridges a ladder between the apron and announce table. They trade counters and ADR sends Christian into the ring steps. Christian counters a move and tries to splash Alberto on the ladder, but Del Rio pushes him off the turnbuckles. However, Christian lands on a ladder on the outside and hits a crossbody to Del Rio! Back inside, Christian climbs but ADR once again stops him. Del Rio takes down the ladder and wedges it in the corner. After a few counters, Christian sends him crashing into the ladder and rams into him on the apron with a ladder. Del Rio’s arm seems hurt. Christian climbs again but ADR tosses a midget ladder at Christian to top him. He climbs to meet Christian. ARMBREAKER FROM THE LADDER! Del Rio continues to work over Christian’s arm, tossing the tiny ladder onto his arm. Christian drops ADR and climbs again, but again Del Rio meets him. They end up on the apron near the bridged ladder. ADR goes for a suplex from the apron, but Christian backdrops him onto a ladder inside! Christian goes to the top with a ladder, but Alberto hits the step-up enzuigiri and Christian falls down onto the ladder he was holding! Del Rio climbs, Christian blocks and Del Rio attacks. Ricardo hands him a chair, but Christian counters an attack, sending Del Rio into the post! Back inside, the fans come alive! SPEAR TO DEL RIO! A tribute to his former partner! Christian climbs yet again but Del Rio comes and traps him in the ladder! ADR looks to have it, but Christian finally knocks him off. He ends up on the bridged ladder. Del Rio heads north ala Kofi earlier in the night. Top rope elbow drop, but Christian bails! DEL RIO CRASHES AND BURNS! Christian gets to the title, but Brodus Clay interferes! Christian dispatches him but Del Rio attacks from behind. He locks on an armbreaker through the tiny ladder, but on the wrong arm. I don’t know whether it’s Christian, Brodus or both, but someone is GUSHING blood. Del Rio takes his sweet time climbing, and a horn honks from the entranceway! IT’S EDGE! He distracts ADR long enough for Christian to return! He shoves ADR from the top of the ladder onto Brodus and Ricardo! Christian is climbing and Edge is cheering him one! HE GRABS THE CHAMPIONSHIP! Christian is you’re NEW World Heavyweight champion! Really, really great match, aside from a few miscues on Del Rio’s part. He’s getting better and better all the time though. For the record, Christian had a small head wound but Brodus was a red mess. Match of the show thus far.

~ In the back, Alex Riley suggests The Miz may not retain the title tonight. He tries to correct himself and say Mike’s catchphrase, but Miz ain’t having it.

Show chops the crap out of Barrett to start, and Kane hits a sliding dropkick for two. He hits a sideslam and is distracted, allowing Barrett to knock him outside. Kane & BS beat down the lumberjacks but Kane turns into a big lariat from Zeke. The Corre works on Kane in the corner. A double clothesline puts both guys down. Double tag! Show just mows down Wade but Zeke low-bridges him outside. They try and lift him back inside, but everyone struggles! ZEKE BODYSLAMS BIG SHOW! Good lord. Barrett blind tags in but eats a chokeslam from Big Show! 1…2…3! Kane & Big Show retain the belts. Zeke could’ve broken that up, but he was too pissed about the blind tag to care. The lumberjacks start fighting each other! Stereo chokeslams to Slater & Gabriel! Short and fun; here’s hoping they stay champs for a little while.

The John’s take turns beating on Miz, hitting a tandem flapjack. They turn on each other quickly, and Miz takes control. Cena hits a bulldog, Morrison hits a Russian legsweep and Miz climbs. Morrison meets him, Miz knocks him off and he ends up on the ropes with Cena. They battle over to the corner and Cena hits an avalanche bulldog! Cena drops Morrison with the Superman Series, hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle but Miz catches Cena with the Skull Crushing Finale! Morrison is escaping, Miz runs to stop him rather than pin Cena. They are both on the top of the cage trading punches. Cena rises, meets them on top and The Johns™ hit a SIIIICK avalanche brainbuster on Miz! That was NASTY! Morrison hits Miz with a top rope Flash Kick! Backflip uranage to Cena! 1…2…Cena kicks out. Morrison climbs but Miz grabs his legs and powerbombs Morrison into the cage. He turns around into the STF! Miz tries to crawl outside but Cena pulls him back and tries himself. They stalemate and Cena drops Miz with a slam. He ends up on top with Morrison. Miz is trying to sneak outside! Morrison dangles outside and slams the door on Miz’s face. Morrison is crotched and Cena takes him with a slam for two. Miz hits Cena with a baby DDT! 1…2…Cena kicks out! Miz continues to lay boots to Cena’s face and the boos rain down. He’s not focused on Morrison though, but finally meets him on the top of the cage. They battle for a while, Morrison knocks him off and Cena meets Morrison there. He knocks him off, too. STARSHIP PAIN OFF THE TOP OF THE CAGE! Everybody’s down! Morrison crawls to the outside but R-Truth is there! He stops him from exiting and…enters the cage? He lays boots to him in the corner. If this is allowed, where is Alex Riley right now? Could he have been there the whole time? Truth axe kicks Cena! What’s Up to Morrison! He climbs out of the cage, the damage done. Everyone’s dead. DEEEEAD. Miz is the first awake. Once again, he rises from unconsciousness to find himself granted a favor from hell. Miz climbs and Cena meets him there. Miz is dangling and almost out, but Cena finally drags him back in. They battle on the top and Cena’s now dangling outside. Miz drags him back in to the ropes. He tries an avalanche Skull Crushing Finale…but Cena counters! AVALANCHE ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT! It’s a Triple A! 1…2…3! ANOTHER NEW CHAMPION! John Cena wins his 10th world title! The crowd popped pretty big for that one. It was a good match that was a bit too spotty, went a little too long and probably had the wrong guy go over. Everyone played their roles perfectly: Morrison, the spry spoiler, Cena, the confident former champ and Miz, the man out of his element. Miz took a serious beating, too. Still, I have to wonder if ending the reign of The Miz is worth a publicity shot of Rock versus Cena with John holding the belt. That’s seriously the only reason I see that they did this. All told though, this was still a thousand times more satisfying than the end of WrestleMania. Then again…

…this didn’t hurt either.

Overall Thoughts

I actually had a pretty good time watching this. The Cole/Lawler feud is still completely hopeless and a few of the backstage segments meant nothing but everything else was fine to good to brilliant. The Diva’s match and the tag title lumberjack match were short but filled with fun stuff. Rhodes/Mysterio, a match that Cody fanboys always claim will steal the show, continues to be good but not near their high opinions of it. Sheamus/Kingston and the main event were good matches made better by crazy finishes, Orton/Punk rocked like their Mania match did and Christian/ADR was an overbooked symphony of greatness. It was Christian’s night, but Del Rio continues to justify his mega-push, unlike a certain now former world champion. If you can swing a DVD / replay / download / bootleg of this show in the future, you wouldn’t be wasting your time. If you’re still buying WWE PPVs all by your lonesome, eating every penny of the $50+ bucks they demand…you continue to lead a life of disappointment and shame. So, so much shame.

As always, I apologize for any typos or Freudian slips that made anything in this write-up either hard to read or uncomfortable to reflect on. I am a poor typer with an overactive mind. Sometimes, things just don’t come out right. Forgive me…or inevitably perish with unnecessary judgment congesting your very soul. The choice is yours.