This week: Meet the new Michael Cole. Same as the old one. Just with slightly worse breath (I assume). Plus, Punk goes all macho on us, Kharma goes all hysterical on us, a lesson on why you shouldn’t be allowed to drive cars inside public arenas with Ricardo Rodriguez and don’t call my name, Alejandro, because he’s not using it anymore.
RAW
– There was a graphic for Macho Man.
– Jerry Lawler made his way out to start the show. Lawler said Michael Cole had finally been beaten. Crowd chanted for Jerry. Lawler said he had an ace up his sleeve last night and brought out Bret Hart, to a giant ovation. Bret cut a promo, saying he respected Lawler and didn’t respect Cole, but R-Truth interrupted.
– Crowd were on Truth’s case early. Truth asked Bret to guess how many title matches he’d had and Bret didn’t know, so Truth told him. Zero. Not sure that’s true. Anyway, Truth thought it was because he played to the fans, like Bret and asked for Bret’s help. Truth took Bret’s sunglasses and found a “Little Jimmy” in the crowd. He put the sunglasses on the kid’s head and said this meant he should get a title shot now. Crowd booed. So Truth stole the sunglasses back. Poor kid’s reaction made it. Truth said he used to think wins and losses didn’t matter, so long as he gave the fans what he wanted. But now, he believed actions speak louder than words. He threatened to beat up Bret. Bret told him he wasn’t getting title shots because he was a “freaking lunatic”.
– Suddenly, John Cena’s music hit. Cena limped out, which looked kinda silly. I can only assume he really was limping, because no-one has faked a limp in that way before. Cena shook Bret’s hand and they exchanged pleasantries. He told Truth they used to be cool and wondered when he went crazy. Truth said the conspiracy he’d been talking about was about Cena. Truth said the people made it about Cena, but Cena said he made it about the people. Truth told Cena he never liked him and said he and Bret were propaganda tools. He said he didn’t care about the people, he cared about himself. Cena threatened to beat some sense into him, when the GM e-mailed and made Truth and Punk versus Cena and Mysterio for the main event, with Bret as the referee.
– Backstage, Kane and Big Show were talking. Show was sitting on Alberto’s car. Ricardo confronted them and got shoved down as a result. Alberto stormed up to them and ranted at them in Spanish, as they walked off.
– WWE Tag Team Championships: Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga d. Big Show and Kane (c) (McGillicutty pinned Show) in 5:25 to win the titles. Punk joined commentary. That plus no Cole equals immeasurable upgrade. Show destroyed Nexus, but they got the heat on Kane during commercial. It was not good when Kane was in. Mason ran in and the ref got clipped. Allowing Punk to kick Show from the outside, setting up a double DDT for the pin. Yes. A double DDT. Better or worse than last week’s swinging neckbreaker?
– Show and Kane ranted backstage to Scott Stanford. Poor Scott. Del Rio walked up and slapped Big Show. As Show gave chase the camera went funny, you heard a crash and the camera recovered to find Ricardo had run over Big Show’s leg. Ricardo backed the car off of Show’s leg and ran, as Kane screamed for help. Show sold it huge as EMTs tried to help him. He kept trying to stand up, refusing help and eventually got up to one leg.
– Jack Swagger d. Evan Bourne in 2:08. Competitive squash win for Swagger. Bourne almost got a win with a rollup, but Swagger managed to catch him with a gutwrench powerbomb. As Swagger celebrated afterwards though, Bourne gave him a spinkick and ran away.
– Michael Cole was backstage and he was sad. He tried to offer Eve a handshake, but Eve held her foot up mockingly.
– Cole came to the ring. And he was very sad. Crowd chanted “You suck toes” at him. Cole couldn’t get his catchphrase out and admitted he doesn’t deserve anyone’s attention. He tried to apologise to Lawler. And Josh. And to everyone. Cole said he wanted to come back and do commentary. He begged for forgiveness and the crowd weren’t having it. Lawler thanked him for apologising. But, he then showed a still of the foot kissing from the PPV. Lawler offered Cole some breath mints and then allowed Cole to sit at the desk. So that’s that then. Maybe.
– Miz and Riley came out next. The fans tried to chant something at him, but it didn’t get going. I guess he didn’t tap out and that confused them. Miz blamed Riley for losing at Over The Limit. He said Riley screwed up at Extreme Rules and the Raw afterwards as well. Miz asked the Raw GM for another chance at the title, with Riley banned from ringside. Eventually, the GM e-mailed and said no. Miz told Riley it was all his fault. Riley told Miz he was the one who quit, which didn’t go down well. Crowd finally found some synchronicity and chanted “You quit”. Miz berated Riley and fired him from his personal services contract. Miz then piefaced him. So Riley proceeded to beat the piss out of Miz. And the fans chanted Riley’s name. He left to cheers, which was quite the achievement, let’s be honest. Shockingly effective turn.
– Kelly Kelly, Beth Phoenix, Eve Torres and Gail Kim versus The Bella Twins, Maryse and Melina went to a no contest when Kharma interfered. The match went about 20 seconds. Kharma came out and the eight divas surrounded her. Kharma looked around. And then, she broke down crying. The crowd were not down with this. Then they went to commercial. Apparently, she’s gone for about nine months. So I guess they had to blow it off. Safe to say, this was not what anyone wanted out of this angle, but I guess hands were tied.
– Kofi Kingston d. Drew McIntyre in 4:25. Drew has pyro! It looked like a leapfrog from Kofi went wrong, but they improvised very smoothly if so. Drew worked the knee and used the ringpost figure four. Kofi fought back, but his knee gave out on Trouble In Paradise. He managed to counter a clothesline into the SOS for the win though. Decent. Dolph and Vickie were watching this backstage. Dolph has bleached blonde hair again. No longer new and improved?
– The New Nexus were celebrating in their locker room. Punk told them to watch what he was going to do next.
– Back with Scott Stanford, Alberto said if you disrespect him then you’re going to pay, but what happened to Big Show wasn’t his fault, it was Ricardo’s.
– Lawler spoke about Macho Man’s passing and introduced a tribute video to him. Which was awesome, as you’d expect. They set it to The Scientist by Coldplay. If you didn’t see this, seek it out, for sure.
– John Cena and Rey Mysterio d. R-Truth and CM Punk (Rey pinned Punk) in 7:49, with Bret Hart as referee. Punk wore pink Macho Man style tights, yellow kneepads and white/yellow boots in tribute to Randy Savage, which was nice. Story of the match was Punk and Bret. Punk physically hid behind Bret at one point. He then started doing Bret’s 5 moves of doom. And berated him for a slow count. “Where did you learn how to count, Canada!?” Truth got in Bret’s face too and Bret sort of shoved him. Cena countered a sharpshooter attempt from Punk and a GTS. Rey made the big comeback. Punk went for the GTS, but Rey countered into the 619. Bret then laid Punk out with a right hand and put on the Sharpshooter, as Rey dropped the dime and got the pin. Babyfaces celebrated to end the show. Fun main event.
NXT
– Byron Saxton cut a promo on Yoshi. They should let him do more promos. He called him childlike and promised to win NXT all by himself. He officially “emanscipated” himself from Yoshi and declared his independance. He said he wanted to be called “Big League” Byron Saxton from now on. Regal: “I used to have a girlfriend called Big Lily. She had elephantitis. Lovely girl, she was.” Maryse came out, offended that Byron had to referred to as just a Diva. She told Byron he didn’t make the rules and made a tag match, with Byron and Yoshi versus Tyson and Lucky.
– Tyson Kidd and Lucky Cannon d. Yoshi Tatsu and Byron Saxton (Tyson submitted Saxton) in 7:30. Lucky kissed Maryse on the cheek on his way out. Maryse gave Yoshi the talk to the hand treatment. I guess he’s over it though. Yoshi fought almost the entire match, having his arm worked over. He managed to catch Lucky with the top rope wheel kick. But as he went to tag, Byron pulled his arm away. Yoshi fought on solo and almost won two on one. As he set up for the finish, Byron tagged himself in. So Yoshi shoved him, into a Sharpshooter from Tyson. Yoshi refused to help and Byron was forced to tap.
– Rookie and pro argued afterwards. Saxton piefaced Yoshi, so Yoshi gave him a roundhouse kick.
– Striker interviewed Chavo and Darren Young backstage. They bragged about what they did to Hornswoggle and the wins Young has over Titus. Chavo claimed Darren was the front runner to win now, thanks to him.
– Conor O’Brian d. JTG in 3:56. Much to William Regal’s chagrin, JTG was back, solo. JTG managed to impress Regal a little. For which Regal took full credit, naturally. However, JTG got distracted mocking Kozlov and Regal, allowing Conor to surprise him with an inside cradle. JTG attacked afterwards, but Kozlov headbutted him out of the ring.
– Backstage, Titus tried to coax Hornswoggle out of hiding. Hornswoggle was safely zipped up in a bag. He told him Darren and Chavo were bullies, but he’d take care of them tonight.
– No Disqualification Match: Titus O’Neill d. Darren Young in 7:36. This was the first No DQ match in NXT history. Young tried to run away, but Titus cut him off with a boot. Titus beat up the bully. That ought to get everyone off their back. Hornswoggle was watching backstage. Chavo got involved to help Darren turn the tide. Titus made a pin after a shoulderbreaker, but Chavo jumped in to break the count. As Chavo went outside and got a chain, they cut back to Hornswoggle who applied some war paint and ran to the ring. Titus used him as a battering ram and hit the sky high on Titus, followed with the Tadpole Splash for the win. This was pretty good, actually. Crowd were into it too, which isn’t always the case for NXT.
SUPERSTARS
– Santino Marella d. Zack Ryder in 5:31. The new ring announcer got a hug from Santino. She’s quite huggable. Wink wink. Lots of assorted wackiness, air trumpets, fist pumps, cobras and the like. It broke down into a shoving match and Santino pulled Zack’s headband over his eyes so he couldn’t see. Santino struck Zack with the cobra to both legs and Zack’s legs were “temporarily paralysed”. Finish saw Zack miss the facewash, crotch himself and fall prey to the dreaded Cobra. Harmless fun.
– Curt Hawkins d. JTG in 7:24. JTG is still a face. Except on NXT. Which is the show he’s usually on. Confused? Hawkins slammed JTG back first into the post to gain the advantage, after having his hand worked over. Basic match. Hawkins hung JTG’s throat over the ropes and hit the Heat Seeking Elbow for the pin.
– No Michael Hayes this week, after the break-up last week. Instead, Tyson came out with ARMANDO ESTRADA. He looked different and wasn’t really doing his old shtick. He was more business man than Cuban cigar snapper. Estrada cut a promo, putting over Tyson as the best pound for pound wrestler in WWE.
– Tyson Kidd (with Armando Estrada) d. Trent Baretta in 8:52. Mat wrestling early, evenly matched. As they went back and forth, Estrada got on the apron with a distraction and Tyson dropkicked Trent off the ropes over the top. Estrada then put the boots to Baretta. Tyson used a swinging neckbreaker on the floor. Kidd controlled for a while. Baretta was able to counter a back superplex with a crossbody for two and then fought back. More exciting back and forth towards the end. Tyson countered a dive attempt with a kick and hit a big flying elbow for two. Trent then made the ropes in a Sharpshooter. Counter roll-up brought a close two, before Tyson hit a fisherman’s neckbreaker to pick up the win. Weakest of the three between these two, but still real good.
– Armando got on the microphone afterwards and said that’s what happens when athletic excellence meets superb intellect.
SMACKDOWN
– Randy Orton came out with the World Heavyweight Title. Before he could say much, Christian came out to interrupt. He said he didn’t want to spoil Orton’s moment and said Over The Limit was one of the best matches of his career. He congratulated him and they shook hands. But Christian then said, he knew he could beat him. Christian challenged him to a rematch.
– However, Sheamus cut him off. Sheamus asked Christian how many chances he needed and compared him to a gambling addict. He said Christian was a two-time loser and Sheamus was a two-time WWE Champion. Sheamus wanted the shot instead. But, to the surprise of nobody, Mark Henry interrupted. Mark claimed Edge was on a golf course now, waiting for Christian. Of course, Mark wanted the title shot as well. So Teddy Long came out. Teddy said there was a little déja vu with these guys arguing about the title. Startling self awareness in that line. Teddy polled the crowd and made a three way between Christian, Sheamus and Henry for the #1 contendership.
– Sin Cara d. Chavo Guerrero in 4:48. Rematch from Over The Limit. It was an improvement at least. Booker told a story about how Sin Cara was a big fan of him, which was so earnest and non-heelish that it was funny. They did the same finish as Sunday, which was La Mistica. It still looked clunky, but nothing like at the PPV.
– Cody came out and said if he didn’t know better, he’d be convinced there’s no God, because every town he goes to he prays to see an even mildly attractive face and is always disappointed. So he handed out the expensive paper bags to the inexplicably grateful fans.
– Daniel Bryan d. Cody Rhodes by submission in 5:56. They were in Washington, so Bryan got a big reaction. They had a really fun match. Cody broke out a crossface chickenwing at one point. Bryan almost got the win with his missile dropkick. Bryan managed to counter Crossrhodes, into the Labell Lock and Cody tapped out instantly. Strong match. Just consider hitting mute if you watch it, since Cole was back to his disruptive best again on this show.
– They played it up that Cody tapped before the hold was even fully applied. Cody attacked Bryan after the match and delivered Crossrhodes, then gave Bryan the paper bag treatment.
– Ezekial Jackson d. Heath Slater by DQ in 2:35. Sign in the crowd: “The Corre Stop Being A Bully”. Booker T referenced The One Man Gang and Devestation Inc. Was Striker in his ear? Not a complete squash, but decisive. Zeke gave Slater the Torture Rack and the rest of the Corre ran in for the disqualification. Zeke managed to fight them off though and The Corre backed off.
– Striker interviewed Christian. He said it could be Christian’s last chance at the World Title. Christian joked about being picked last for kickball and being the last in his class to hit puberty, but turning out great in the end. He said he was the last guy anyone thought would win the World Title, but he proved everyone wrong. He said he’d have the last laugh.
– Kane d. The Great Khali in 2:37. Khali had Runjin back this week. They called this the “Monster’s Brawl”, for whatever reason. It was pretty much as you’d picture it. Khali worked Kane over, then Kane knocked Khali down with the flying clothesline and stacked him for the pin.
– Runjin helped Khali up afterwards, when Jinder Mahal came out. Jinder ranted at Khali again. He slapped Khali and Runjin got in Jinder’s face. So Jinder shoved Runjin and Khali stood up to Jinder. Or, so it seemed. Khali grabbed Runjin from behind in the head vice and put him out. By the way, new game. Take a drink every time someone on WWE TV is called a “bully”.
– Booker T was in the ring, to call out Michael Cole. Cole didn’t want to get in the ring, until Josh insinuated he was afraid. Crowd chanted “You suck toes” again. Booker brought up the picture of Cole kissing Lawler’s foot again and asked him the best way to get toe jam out. Booker said he was just playing and put his arm around the sulking Cole. Booker got the crowd to chant “Kiss my feet”. Which isn’t as good as “You suck toes”. Cole left the ring and he was sad. Again. It didn’t last. For him, anyway.
– Backstage, Striker tried to interview Sheamus. Sheamus didn’t want to hear his questions and said Christian and Henry had one “fluke championship” between them in 33 years. Where-as, he won the title in his first few months. Sheamus promised he’d win tonight.
– Alicia Fox and Tamina d. AJ and Kaitlyn (with Natalya) (Alicia pinned Kaitlyn) in 1:35. They did a cut-in with Natalya, AJ and Kaitlyn. AJ asked Natalya to be at ringside, so I guess she’s their mentor. The match was pretty sloppy. Alicia won with the axe kick.
– Striker interviewed Mark Henry. Henry accused Striker of thinking he wouldn’t win and, you guessed it, bullied him. Boo this man!
– #1 Contendership, Triple Threat: Sheamus d. Christian and Mark Henry in 10:39. Sheamus and Henry double teamed Christian at the start. They worked together until Christian slid outside, able to isolate Sheamus and send him into the ring steps. Henry took over on Christian inside. When Christian sent him out, Sheamus snuck back in and took over. Christian hit Sheamus with the Killswitch, but Henry pulled him outside. At which point, Randy Orton came out. Not to go off on a tangent, but at least three times on this show there were awkward commentary cuts, that I’m attributing solely to Cole not knowing when to shut the hell up, or being more concerned with being annoying than actually commentating. He’s getting worse. So, Orton watched the rest of the match from ringside. In the end, Henry shoved Orton. Christian gave Henry the Spear and made the cover, but Orton gave Henry the RKO, distracting the referee and buying Sheamus time to kick out. Christian complained, then turned around into a Brogue Kick for the pin.
– So Sheamus versus Orton next week and growing frustration for Christian.
TOP 5: BE A STAR SEGMENTS OF THE WEEK
5. BULLY Mark Henry getting his comeuppance from Randy Orton
4. Evan Bourne spinkicking BULLY Jack Swagger
3. The group of equal BULLIES, The Corre, being too afraid to fight Ezekial Jackson
2. Alex Riley, sick and tired of being BULLIED, stands up to The Miz
1. Titus O’Neill beating up BULLY Darren Young and Hornswoggle’s Tadpole Splash to that BULLY Chavo Guerrero