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This week: Hey. Kevin Nash is back. I had a brilliant joke to go in here, but I was afraid it’d be too inside and would go over people’s heads. And we wouldn’t want that. Plus, Alberto Del Rio’s WWE Title reign starts with style, Punk smells a rat, Mark Henry smells fear, commentary just plain stinks and everybody’s favourite A-list celebrity, Jared the Subway guy, returns.
RAW
– HHH opened the show. Deja vu. I don’t hate Hunter, but there’s a definite pattern here. He looked troubled. Crowd seemed lively. HHH said a lot of people were upset with what happened at Summerslam and he understood. He apologised for missing Cena’s foot on the ropes. After putting the match over, he said he had no problem raising Punk’s hand. As for what happened afterwards, HHH claimed he had nothing to do with it. He admitted he was friends with Kevin Nash and his only involvement was leaving Nash a couple of tickets, nor had he spoken to him. HHH said he’d invited Nash to the show, via text. Nash said he’d be there, so long as he could tell the truth. HHH moved on to Del Rio and said that’s just the way it was. HHH said he promised one World Champion after Summerslam and there was one.
– He brought out Del Rio, who was exuding happiness. Great man. Del Rio, sure enough, said this was his destiny. Del Rio said it wasn’t his intention to cash in at Summerslam. But, destiny does whatever it was. And after what Nash did, he couldn’t resist. Del Rio put himself over and claimed he wanted to represent the fans with respect, honesty and passion. He said he would be in the lobby signing autographs and would take pictures with all the children. He moves on to Rey Mysterio, who got a big cheer since they were in San Diego. Del Rio said he was happy and even claimed he loved Rey Mysterio. Crowd chanted “619”. Del Rio clarified and said he loved beating Rey Mysterio. He promised to beat the little chihuahua tonight, with great glee. And after tonight, Del Rio would be their new hero. How can you not be happy watching happy Alberto?
– HHH went into John Cena’s locker room.
– Falls Count Anywhere: John Morrison d. R-Truth in 7:11. Truth has music again. His vest says “Lil’ Jimmy Proof” on the back. Morrison did an inset promo, promising to give the Little Jimmys something to cheer about. These two didn’t hold back. Morrison took Truth out with a corkscrew plancha and got a two count on the floor. Morrison used the barricade for a flying Chuck kick. But Truth countered a suplex into a gordbuster on the floor. The crowd chanted “Little Jimmy” and Truth went nuts. More-so. Truth dominated for a while and brought a commentary chair into play. But Morrison gave him a suplex, over and into the chair, followed with a running knee for the pin. Good stuff.
– CM Punk arrived, in a foul mood.
– Miz came out, in a suit. Miz said he’d been asked to say hello to someone in the audience. The ever popular Jared from Subway. Shrug. Miz claimed Jared was a Miz fan, but he wasn’t a fan of Jared. And that he could do Jared’s job better than him. Jared seemed irrationally outraged by this suggestion. As if being a Subway spokeperson were some complex profession. Miz snatched Jared’s sub and did his own ‘advertisement’ for the sandwich. He was, in fact, better than Jared. If you don’t believe me, watch Jared’s ‘acting’ during this segment. Who ordered the extra ham? Miz claimed the sandwich would be trending because of him. Miz promised to be a champion again and did his catchphrase and then left. Alright.
– Nash showed up and sauntered into the arena.
– Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres d. The Bella Twins (Eve pinned Nikki) in 3:07. Kelly used the stinkface early, but the Bellas took out her knee and worked it over. Yes, they worked a body part. Eve got the tag and ended up hitting the moonsault for the victory. Beth and Natalya, the Divas Of Doom, came out and sarcastically applauded the faces.
– Nash came out, to a big introduction/reminding people who he is. I guess he has been away for a while. JR called him “very outspoken”. Nash thanked HHH for giving him the chance to speak. Nash said they’d been friends for almost 20 years and was godfather to his son. Nash explained he got a text before the main event from a friend, asking him to do “stick” the winner, whoever it was. He said he missed the thrill of being in the ring and told Punk it was just business. Nash insinuated that it was HHH who sent the text, without outright saying so.
– Punk interrupted. Punk asked if he was supposed to believe what Nash said about it being business. He asked if HHH told him to jump off a bridge, would he do it, because that’d be good for business. Punk said HHH and Nash didn’t know what was good for business. Nash warned Punk to watch his mouth. Punk shot back that he said what he wanted to whoever he pleased, but Nash said his world just changed. Punk accused Nash of lying. Nash offered to show him the text. Instead, Punk showed Nash a text he got from his little sister last night. “OMG, Kevin Nash, WTF, thought he was dead, LOL”. Amazing. Punk said it was just Nash’s career that was dead. Nash got that smirk on his face. Punk said what Nash did pissed him off, but Alberto wasn’t one of them, he just picked the right spot. But Nash represented HHH bringing his cronies back. Punk said he was the guy shaking things up. Nash called him an indyriffic wannabee who’d only been in two main events. Punk buried Nash for calling Eddie Guerrero and vanilla midget and asked what he knew about main event talent. He said it was 2011, not 1994. Nash said he changed the business in 1996 and told Punk he should be saying Thank You Mr. Nash for getting guys like him guaranteed money. Nash buried Punk and Punk just laughed it off. Punk brought up Oz, Vinnie Vegas and Big Daddy Cool, saying he’d rather have come in CM Punk and leave CM Punk. Punk tried to go to the ring but a wall of security appeared to cut him off. The commentators wondered who’s security it was. Punk naturally presumed it was HHH. So, Punk decided to go back and ask HHH. Punk for sure got the best of this.
– After the break, Nash stormed into HHH’s office. HHH wasn’t there, but John Laurinaitis showed up and told him HHH was in a meeting. They agreed the way Punk had spolen to them was unacceptable. Laurinaitis wanted to talk, so they went to his office.
– Jack Swagger d. Alex Riley in 4:23. Dolph and Vickie were on commentary, bickering amongst themselves. Trouble in paradise. Vickie stole JR’s hat for some reason and put it on the referee’s head, which served as a distraction. Swagger, eventually, got Riley up for the Swagger Bomb. That didn’t look good. Dolph’s reaction to it was brilliant. Dolph stomped on JR’s hat. And then gave it back. This was all a bit of a mess. An enthralling mess.
– Swagger thanked Vickie for her help backstage. Swagger said she didn’t have to prove anything to Dolph, after all she’d done. Swagger complimented her. He pointed out Heenan and Blassie had multiple clients and maybe she should think about expanding her roster.
– Punk walked into HHH’s office, but instead found Stephanie. Stephanie said she was sorry about how he lost, although technically he never won. She said it’d be alright, because people always get what they deserve.
– Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne d. David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty (Bourne pinned McGillicutty) in 4:43. This was the designated “commentary becomes a total mess” match of the show. The champions got the heat on Evan. Kofi made the big comeback and McGillicutty was pinned after a Trouble In Paradise and Air Bourne.
– Undisputed WWE Championship: Alberto Del Rio (c) d. Rey Mysterio in 9:56. Rey went for quick pins but Alberto cut him off. Rey also went for the 619 early, but Del Rio bailed out. Del Rio got the advantage during the break. He tried to remove the mask and almost managed it. Rey used an awesome looking tornado DDT. Rey’s knee didn’t look too hot here. He was limping often. Momentum swung a number of times, as Rey got some hope and Del Rio kept cutting him off, but not for long. Del Rio took the spill through the ropes and Rey hit an asai moonsault. Del Rio cut off another 619 with a clothesline. Rey got a really close two countering the armbreaker with a roll up. Rey finally hit the 619, but Del Rio got the knees up on the splash and rolled Rey up for the pin. A little out of nowhere. Good match, though.
– Del Rio attacked after the match as well. He snapped the arm across the bottom rope, trying to take out the arm. Del Rio put the armbreaker on but John Cena ran out to make the save. Del Rio escaped with Ricardo, as Cena got the microphone. Cena said he was pissed off with Del Rio, saying after he and Punk fought to put integrity into the WWE Title, Del Rio ruined it. He said he wasn’t a champion, he was a target and holding onto the title would make everybody his enemy. Cena told Del Rio he cashed in a briefcase and didn’t earn the title, but eventually he’d have to defend the WWE Title. Pretty sure he just did that. Cena said Del Rio’s destiny was him whipping his ass. No problems with this. No jokes and Cena’s far more tolerable and useful.
NXT
– Titus, AJ and Hornswoggle were in the ring to welcome everyone to the show. Titus said that Hornswoggle had found true love and told AJ he had something to tell her. Swoggle spoke in gibberish. Titus translated, saying she was the most special diva he could find. Crowd went ‘aww’. Remember, this is a romance between AJ and a leprechaun, on NXT. Hornswoggle presented AJ with a candy ring. Titus explained the ring said it symbolised that Hornsoggle would be loyal to her. So, are they married now? I’m not well versed on leprechaun culture. AJ said for her, the relationship had never been about size. Regal refused to make a joke.
– Derrick Bateman interrupted whatever this was. Bateman said everyone in the back was literally regurgitating. He claimed no-one could truly love Hornswoggle and called Titus dumb. Titus made fun of Derrick’s jeans, said he had a yeast infection and threatened to kick his teeth in. Bateman protested, saying the chicks dig the jeans and he’s a gentleman’s gentleman. Bateman called Hornswoggle a troll and he got mad. Hornswoggle went after Bateman, but Titus came out too so Bateman ran to the back. That left AJ in the ring, where she was attacked by Maxine, of NXT season three ‘fame’. I’ll be honest, I watched that season and I didn’t recognise her, so I’m glad this was pointed out.
– Tyson Kidd d. JTG by submission in 3:04. Decent match. Both guys are heels, so it was pretty back and forth with neither getting the heat for long. Tyson, after a little miscue, got the Lance Storm half crab on for the submission victory. As Tyson celebrated, some Japanese writing appeared on the big screen, confusing Kidd.
– Striker was backstage with… uhm, himself. Striker admitted he lost last week and he wasn’t an active competitor. But, Striker said he’d seen guys like Darren Young come and go and unlike Darren, he’d never been a guy to make an excuse. He said tonight, he was prepared for Darren Young, but Darren wasn’t prepared for him.
– Darren Young d. Matt Striker in 5:05. Much like last week, Striker was a suprisingly great babyface. Striker went after Young’s arm, after stomping the hand against the ring steps. Young got a reciept for last week, ending up with a busted lip. Young gave Striker a back suplex on the ring apron and gained control. Striker came back and used a hanging swinging neckbreaker. A lungblower almost won the match for Striker, but Young countered a la majistral, into the double knee gutbuster, for the pin. A really good little match.
– Bateman came to the ring with Maxine. Bateman said Maxine was more than just a diva, she was the love of his life and his soulmate. Maxine told Hornswoggle he wished he could handle a real woman like her, but instead he had to settle for less. She warned them that she and Maxine were just getting started.
– Derrick Bateman d. Titus O’Neil in 6:17. These two still don’t have any chemistry. There was one ugly moment when a leapfrog went wrong. Bateman rolled outside after a fallaway slam. Maxine then grabbed Titus’s foot as he went back inside, the distraction allowing Bateman to roll Titus up.
SUPERSTARS
– Wade Barrett d. Trent Barreta in 5:12. Battle of the too-similiar nicknames. Wade worked Trent over, but not just with power, busting out a flying forearm and a standing dropkick. Expanding his repertoire. Wade missed a big boot on the outside, crotching himself on the barricade and Trent followed up with a whisper in wind off the barricade. Trent threw Wade back inside and got a two with a missile dropkick. But Wade recovered and eventually put Trent away with a cool looking reversal of a hurricanrana into a Wasteland. Really fun effort.
– Brodus Clay d. Jose Vargas in 1:19. Brodus was back on the Smackdown portion this week. Another squash for Brodus and another big man crossbody to end it.
– Santino Marella d. Primo in 6:04. Primo was in short black tights. Not sure about that move. Crowd were behind Santino. They said this match was being fought over Santino’s famous movie star girlfriend. They worked in a little comedy early and Primo ran from the Cobra. Santino posted himself and Primo went after the Cobra arm. But Santino fought back and after accidentally crotching Primo, Santino struck with the Cobra. This was perfectly fine.
– Zack Ryder d. Drew McIntyre in 8:49. Drew started out in a bad mood and tried to take it out on Zack. Fans got into Ryder. Ryder took out Drew with a pescado. But Drew lured him into a spinebuster into the edge of the ring apron. Drew took over but Zack kept trying to fight back and eventually did so after whipping Drew down the apron and into the ring post. Drew countered the Ruff Ryder into a sitout powerbomb for a near fall. A big boot got another close two and Drew started pulling his hair out in anger. Drew then went for the DDT, but Zack ended up hitting the Ruff Ryder for the win. Good episode this week.
SMACKDOWN
– Teddy Long started the show in the ring and brought out the new World Champion, Randy Orton. Fans loved Randy. Orton said the show wouldn’t start with Christian whining and complaining this week and Christian wouldn’t even be there tonight. Orton said the Christian thing was all over and wanted to start anew. Teddy announced there would be a battle royal to determine Orton’s next contender.
– Cody Rhodes interrupted, with Ted Dibiase. Cody said it was a Legacy reunion. Cody went over a quick Legacy history lesson and pointed out just like Randy, he was a champion now. He accused Orton of restorting to “common barbarism” to win the title and make the fans happy. Cody said he wasn’t happy being just IC Champion and would be in the battle royal to go after the World Title as well. Cody handed over to Ted, who got in about three sentences before Orton gave him an RKO. Wisely, Cody backed off from Orton. As Orton left, Cody got mad at Teddy and demand he do something about Orton. He demanded Teddy do something as Intercontinental Champion. Teddy sarcastically said he’d make Orton do some lines. But, in the meantime, Cody would have to face Ezekial Jackson in Ted’s place and the title would be on the line.
– WWE Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes (c) d. Ezekial Jackson in 3:35. Zeke pretty much dominated until Cody managed to hang Zeke up across the top rope. Cody ended up dropkicking the steps into Zeke’s ankle and after a springboard kick, put Ezekial away with Crossrhodes to retain.
– In the GM’s office, Zack walked in and told Teddy that Alberto Del Rio would be here any minute. Teddy didn’t understand at first, saying he told Zack to invite the WWE Champion assuming it would be Punk or Cena. Zack said life was full of surprises, just like when he’d win the battle royal tonight. Aksana and her sexy music walked in and asked why Teddy’s last name was Long. Wink wink. She offered to watch the battle royal with him and Teddy got nervous, deciding to watch it alone.
– Justin Gabriel d. Tyson Kidd in 4:19. They replayed the Justin Gabriel in South Africa video before the match. This was, of course, a rematch from last week’s NXT. Which they actually mentioned. Another solid match from these two. Gabriel countered the half crab and went on to win with the 450 splash, from halfway across the ring.
– Striker was backstage to interview Jinder. Khali was there and said he’d win the battle royal, but Jinder informed Khali that he served him and that Jinder would win, not him.
– Ricardo brought Del Rio out with a grand introduction. Del Rio said he was there to stand before everyone and prove that destiny was real. He bragged about being WWE Champion. He explained he debuted in Bakersfield one year ago, beating Rey Mysterio. And now, in one year, everybody loved Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio bragged he beat Rey, again, on Monday. Some people tried to start a “Del Rio” chant, but it was drowned out with a “You suck” chant. Del Rio said he was a real champion and issued a challenge to anyone man enough to face him. Out came Daniel Bryan to answer the challenge. Bryan said Del Rio cashed in his briefcase like everyone else, when the champion was hurt. He called it predictable and pathetic.
– Alberto Del Rio d. Daniel Bryan in 11:54. Little tip. Hit mute. Please. Michael Cole. Usual deal. Dreadful. Just the dirt worst. If you do that, you’ll enjoy this match far more. And it was a really good match. The crowd were solidly behind Bryan. Del Rio used an armbreaker off the turnbuckles and went after the arm. Lots of pro-Bryan chants. Lots of good stuff in the match, too. Bryan hit the flying knee off the apron, which looking pretty nasty from Del Rio’s point of view. Del Rio used a nice looking german suplex. Bryan almost got the win with a missile dropkick. He got the choke in, but Del Rio rammed his way out and turned it into a cross armbreak for the submission. That came a little out of nowhere. Good match, just avoid the commentary. Cole actually complimented Bryan’s effort afterwards. Good job, buddy.
– Del Rio put the armbreaker on again after the match. Sin Cara II ran out for the save and wiped Del Rio out with a big dive to the floor, then checked on Bryan.
– Striker interviewed Mark Henry about his match with Sheamus at Summerslam and asked him about the battle royal. Henry said he should be the number one contender already. He mentioned putting out Big Show and Kane and yet he was in the same boat as everyone else. Henry said nineteen men were going overboard and sink. Promo made me miss Tugboat.
– Natalya and Alicia Fox d. Kelly Kelly and AJ (Kelly pinned Alicia) in 4:31. Natalya bullied AJ around and AJ tried to compete with her, but Natalya dominated. AJ eventually got the tag to Kelly, who ran wild. As things broke down, Kelly avoided the axe kick and put Alicia out with a rocker dropper. Natalya got mad at Alicia after the match and ended up laying her out, putting the Sharpshooter on on the floor.
– Mark Henry won a 19 Man Battle Royal, last eliminating Jack Swagger, to become the Number One Contender.
Participants: Mark Henry, Great Khali, Jinder Mahal, Ted Dibiase, Zack Ryder, Cody Rhodes, Justin Gabriel, Yoshi Tatsu, Ezekial Jackson, Jimmy Uso, Jey Uso, Trent Barreta, Heath Slater, William Regal, Johnny Curtis, Tyson Kidd, Sin Cara, Wade Barrett, Sheamus
They announced it as a 20 man battle royal and said there were twenty guys in there, but there was no Daniel Bryan. And I guess nobody clued anyone in. Orton came out to watch from ringside. Everybody went after Henry immediately, except Jinder and Khali, who shielded Jinder in the corner. Henry broke free and started tossing guys. Trent and Yoshi went out. Barrett eliminated Curtis soon after. Khali continued to shield Mahal. Sin Cara hiptossed Zack out and Zeke clotheslined Cody to the floor. Zeke then went after Khali, trying to get to Jinder. But Khali chopped him and eliminated Jackson. Next to size Khali up was Mark Henry. And Henry got chopped too. But Henry broke the tree slam and dumped Khali out, forcing Jinder to join the fight. Henry ended up on the floor, under the bottom rope. Sheamus put Slater out with the Brogue Kick in some ginger on ginger violence. Henry was waiting for Slater outside and dumped him into the steps, just ’cause.
Henry continued to pace around on the floor rather than get back in. Regal was eliminated during commercial. No replay. Cara took Gabriel out with a crossbody over the ropes. Henry took Gabriel and flung him over the barricade. Sheamus dumped The Usos. Henry promptly whipped one hard into the barricade, then launched the other through the announce table. Right next to Orton, who just casually looked over his shoulder at the destroyed Uso. Henry finally got back in and tossed Jinder and Dibiase. Sin Cara eliminated Kidd, leaving the final four as Barrett, Sheamus, Henry and Sin Cara. The other three went after Henry. Barrett blindsighted Sheamus and tried to eliminate him, but Sheamus hung on and dragged Barrett out to the apron. As they fought on the edge, Sheamus booted Barrett to the floor. Sheamus and Sin Cara had a nice little exchange of near eliminations, before Henry snuck up on Sheamus and threw him out. Leaving Henry and Sin Cara. Cara knocked Henry down with a crossbody off the top, which probably wasn’t the intention. But Henry blocked a second crossbody soon after, hit the World’s Strongest Slam, then pressed Cara out.
– Henry got into Orton’s face afterwards and smelt him, smelt him, telling Orton he smelt fear. That was great. I know Henry versus Orton doesn’t look awesome on paper, but I hold out hope. If Orton can get a watchable match out of Khali, there’s no reason that he can’t with a well booked motivated Mark Henry.
Plug time. http://wwetumblrverse.tumblr.com/ If you’re not sure what to expect, the bad pun in the title should give you a clue as to the high level of wit and quality control I go by.