This week: The road to the road to Wrestlemania begins, with the last few shows before the once a year, everyone is eligible Royal Rumble. Which, by the time you’re reading this, you’ve probably already watched. If you haven’t? Well, spoiler alert: don’t believe any spoilers. Plus, grr angry Cena grr, John Laurinaitis calm in the face of danger, Daniel Bryan the master manipulator, fart jokes, fingernail fetishes and oh yeah, Randy Orton’s back is fine now.
RAW SUPERSHOW
– Punk opened the show, to talk about his match at Royal Rumble. He called Laurinaitis a failure and said he sucks at life. Punk showed a replay of Laurinaitis promising to screw him at the Rumble and laying out Foley. Punk said it would be real tough for Laurinaitis to referee a match with two broken arms. He called Johnny out and say what he said last week to his face, like a man. Laurinaitis didn’t come out, so Punk threatened to go find him. But John Cena’s music hit. Cena was in angry mode. Punk and Cena had a little snipe at each other, before Cena called Laurinaitis out as well. Eventually, Laurinaitis appeared, reminding everyone he was Mister John Laurinaitis. He said he stood by what he said last week and wouldn’t be intimidated by either Punk or Cena. Laurinaitis made Kane versus Zack Ryder, falls count anywhere and if Cena got involved, Zack would never get a US Title rematch. He also put Punk and Cena in a tag match before leaving. Ziggler and Swagger were their opponents, giving Ziggler a chance to cut a promo on Punk, saying he shouldn’t worry about Laurinaitis, he should be worried about him flat out beating him again. Swagger also vowed to pay Cena back for last week.
– Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger d. CM Punk and John Cena (Ziggler pinned Punk) in 8:06. Laurinaitis came back out and watched from ringside. Vickie’s charges were eventually able to get the upper hand on Cena. Cena hit an out of nowhere Attitude Adjustment on Swagger and made the tag to Punk, who ran wild on Ziggler. But as Cena put Swagger in the STF outside, Punk shoved the ref aside to get to the corner, causing Laurinaitis to get on the apron. The distraction allowed Ziggler to roll Punk up with the tights for the pin.
– Punk got on the microphone and promised to beat the hell out of him. He dared Laurinaitis for one night to be a “WWE superstar”. He challenged him to a match later. Laurinaitis thought it over and accepted.
– Chris Jericho and his jacket presented the returning Highlight Reel. Jericho asked for quiet, for a long time. He then ran backstage, in order to get a t-shirt gun. He teased shooting the t-shirt for a long time, then didn’t, instead grabbing the camera and doing the “hey look, I’m holding a camera, what a babyface I am” deal. After this epic pandering, he showed a video package of, well, himself, on the Jeri-Tron. He told everyone to shush again. Jericho then finally spoke, which got a huge pop. He promised it’d be the end of the world as we know it. The lights went out, he posed. And that was it. Magnificent.
– Backstage, Mick Foley told Zack Ryder he’d had a lot of experience with Kane and deep down, he was human. Eve insisted he shouldn’t be competing tonight. Zack said he had to do this. Cena walked up and offered his help, but Zack told him he wanted his US Title shot and to stay out of it.
– Falls Count Anywhere: Kane d. Zack Ryder by stoppage. Zack tried to take the fight to Kane, but he didn’t stand much of a chance and got destroyed pretty much forever. Kane brought Ryder through the crowd towards the ramp and then chokeslammed him through the stage. Eve came out concerned and Kane stalked her, before disappearing through the crowd. Cena and Eve both looked on as Zack was attended to by EMTs and carted out on a stretcher. Eve said this was all Cena’s fault and left in the ambulance with Zack. Josh tried to interview Cena. Which was a little rude, let’s be honest. Cena slapped the microphone away and looked ANGRY. This feud either needs to get a lot less stupid, or a lot more stupid. Because at the moment, it’s just kinda stupid and that’s no fun.
– Sheamus d. Jinder Mahal in 3:12. Wade Barrett walked out during the match and joined commentary. He was great. Sheamus broke out the Finlay Roll here. Sheamus got the win with the Brogue Kick. He invited Wade into the ring afterwards, but Wade decided to leave rather than fight. Sheamus said he’d win the 2012 Royal Rumble, setting up the “swerve” of Sheamus winning the 2012 Royal Rumble. These “swerves” really aren’t what they used to be.
– Josh interviewed Miz. He said those who don’t learn from history, they’re doomed to repeat it. He said Morrison, Riley and Morrison all suffered because they turned on him and R-Truth would be no different. Miz said he’d headline Wrestlemania for the second year in a row, saying he was the number one star of all time. Truth appeared, saying he was number one at whining, being annoying and being a jackass. Laurinaitis broke up their arguement and told them whoever lost their match would be number one, in the Royal Rumble.
– Brodus Clay d. Heath Slater in 0:52. William Regal did commentary, since Brodus attacked him on Smackdown the previous week. We need a Regal-Barrett commentary team immediately. Heath fared about as well as everyone else who’s faces the Funkasaurus. Regal insisted he was a better dancer than Brodus and that will be the feud of the year.
– Loser Is #1 In The Royal Rumble: R-Truth d. The Miz in 5:00. Miz gave Truth a spear off the apron, causing Truth to belly flop to the floor, which looked pretty cool. Unless you’re Truth, I suppose. Both men were able to count each other’s finishers. Truth hit the Little Jimmy out of nowhere for the win, meaning Miz would enter number one in the Rumble.
– As Laurinaitis was warming up, Otunga showed up with a letter, which didn’t seem to please Laurinaitis.
– The main event was supposed to be Punk and Laurinaitis, of course. Cole put over Laurinaitis as an All Japan Pro Wrestling champion. But Laurinaitis had an announcement before the match started. Otunga read the letter, which was informing Laurinaitis that due to his “questionable judgement” and promise to favour Ziggler at the Rumble, he was being put under review as Raw GM. Otunga said there’d be a formal job evaluation next week, carried out by COO Triple H. Punk said this meant there was nothing to stop him knocking his teeth out. Laurinaitis claimed this was a wake-up call and apologised to the fans and to Punk. He agreed to let Mick Foley in the Royal Rumble and claimed he was always going to call the Rumble match down the middle, he only said he’d screw Punk because he was mad. Laurinaitis said the match was off and his substitute tonight was David Otunga, who attacked Punk. But Punk fought Otunga off and put him in the Anaconda Vice. Laurinaitis was caught trying to attack and offered a handshake, but Punk gave Laurinaitis the GTS.
NXT
– After his heel turn last week, Titus O’Neil started the show. Titus said an apology was deserved. And he told everybody on the count of three to say sorry to him. Titus explained he’d liberated himself from the WWE Universe. Percy Watson interrupted, confused at what Titus was doing. Titus said he and Percy were friends, but this was business. Titus encouraged Percy to turn his back on the people like he did, because nobody could stop them. Percy was having none of it. He said Titus sounded like Darren Young. Which Titus took as a huge insult. Bit unfair on Darren. Titus gave him an ultimatum and Percy said no. Titus shoved Percy down, so Striker came out and made a match between the two later.
– Striker ran into Hawkins and Reks going backstage. They claimed people wanted to see them in the main event. Striker told them to worry about the Usos and let him worry about NXT.
– The Usos d. Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks (Jey pinned Hawkins) in 5:25. The Usos started strong, but a Hawkins distraction allowed Reks to cut Jimmy off. Regal used the phrase “he’s ruptured his custard” to describe Reks getting crotched on the ropes. Jey made a comeback for the Usos and cut off Hawkins’s attempt to use his cane with a superkick, getting the win.
– Derrick Bateman was walking on clouds backstage. Kaitlyn asked why he was so happy, considering everything Maxine did to him. He insisted things would be different this time. Bateman said Curtis wouldn’t be stupid enough to show up this week. Kaitlyn said, no, he’s definitely stupid enough.
– Heath Slater d. Trent Barreta in 4:43. Solid match. Slater gave Barreta a powerslam off the top, which only got two. But Slater was able to get the win with a flying neckbreaker.
– Striker brought Johnny Curtis out, to talk about the wedding debacle (that’s what they called it) from last week. Curtis said things didn’t work out exactly as planned, but he enjoyed part of it and started talking about enjoying girls with dirty fingernails. Maxine and Bateman interrupted. Curtis said they were both the same and “don’t act like you’re not a dirty little girl as well”. Maxine said they had some similiarities, but not many. Maxine said she needed to get Curtis off NXT. Bateman pointed out they were trying to get off NXT. Because, you know, that’s the goal. Or, it was. Striker said nobody is getting off NXT, they need all the warm bodies they can get. I do love this show sometimes. Bateman said he’d beaten Curtis twice and he could do it again, but Curtis wanted to be friends and offered a handshake. He said he didn’t bite, but don’t ask Maxine about that. Maxine kneed him in the balls. She asked if everyone understood and they both agreed.
– Backstage, Alex Riley said he could relate with Percy. Percy said if it comes to it, Titus would see a different look in his eyes too. Riley wished Percy luck.
– Titus O’Neil d. Percy Watson in 5:51. Titus used a sucker punch to turn the match in his favour. Fans got behind Percy. Percy was able to fight back, but Titus was able to hit the sky high out of nowhere for the win. Titus continued the attack after the match, but Riley made the save and clotheslined Titus out of the ring.
SUPERSTARS
– Jinder Mahal d. Tyson Kidd by submission in 5:04. Nope, I have no idea when Tyson Kidd turned face. He was slapping hands on the way out, that’s all I know. He got a good match out of Jinder. Tyson missed a Marc Mero style moonsault though and Jinder forced him to tap to the 1980’s camel clutch.
– Beth Phoenix d. Brie Bella in 3:01. At the risk of sounding chauvinistic, The Bellas were not in their catsuits here which hopefully isn’t a recurring thing. This was heel versus heel, no off-screen sudden turns here. Brie held her own against the Diva’s Champion. But Beth won with the Glam Slam, after throwing Brie into Nikki as she hopped onto the apron.
– Kofi Kingston d. Michael McGillicutty in 9:46. Kofi’s new gear has question marks all over it. Odd. Kofi scored early with the big crossbody, which people seemed to buy as a possible finish. Kofi took McGillicutty out with a huge topé and was on top, until McGillicutty hit a hanging neckbreaker. McGillicutty took over, but Kofi came back strong. McGillicutty ducked Trouble In Paradise and got his hand on the rope to break the count after an SOS. But Kofi managed to counter the dreaded swinging neckbreaker and hit Trouble In Paradise second time around. Good match.
SMACKDOWN
– Big Show came out. He said he was sorry for what happened to AJ, saying AJ had forgiven him and he wanted everyone else to. But, he was having trouble forgiving himself. Show said he hurt other kids growing up because he was so big. He said he’d found a home in WWE and loved his job. But after what happened with AJ, he wasn’t sure he had the heart to carry on. Fans were aghast at the idea of him leaving. Daniel Bryan walked out and said AJ might have accepted his apology, but she was heavily medicated. Bryan said WWE should be a place for athletes, not genetic freaks. He said Big Show was no Andre The Giant. Big Show looked sad. Fans chanted for Show. Bryan claimed everything Big Show said was empty talk and if he really was sorry, he’d just retire. Fans were appalled at the idea. Bryan started poking Big Show in the chest while berating him and then slapped him. Big Show got mad and grabbed Bryan by the throat, pinning him in a corner. He told Bryan that what happened to AJ was an accident, but what happened to him wouldn’t be and threw him down.
– Mark Henry came out at this point. Henry said he felt compelled to remind them it was a triple threat at the Rumble. He said he didn’t care about Big Show’s feelings, Bryan’s Napoleon complex, or a 95 pound girl in a training bra. Henry demanded Bryan stand closer while he was talking to him and then threatened to tear his skin off. Bryan tried to calm Henry down, when Teddy Long interrupted. Teddy said it’d be Barrett versus Orton tonight and booked Big Show versus Mark Henry as well. Bryan slipped out of the ring with a smirk, as Show and Henry went face to face. God I loved this segment so much.
– Cody Rhodes d. Justin Gabriel in 2:11. Cody said he was giving Gabriel this match out of the goodness of his heart. Gabriel looked good for a while, but soon fell to Crossrhodes
– In Teddy’s office, Santino proposed a match where the loser would be forced to be sent into space with a crew of monkeys. I’d buy that. “Toshi Yatsu” was into this. Santino said they’d be future Tag Team Champions and argued over whether they’d be called Santoshi or Yoshitino. Drew showed up and Teddy put him in a match, against Sheamus.
– Sheamus d. Drew McIntyre in 2:51. Drew couldn’t put Sheamus away, much to his frustration. That frustration lead to Drew kicking Sheamus in the back, which made Sheamus mad and started up a Sheamus flurry and the Celtic Warrior won with a Brogue Kick. So Drew is in trouble. Again. And probably will be next week. And the week after. And, so on.
– Epico and Primo d. Santino Marella and Yoshi Tatsu (Epico pinned Santino) in 2:17. The always perceptive Booker claimed that Santino would be a good partner for Yoshi, since he knows the language. Santino caught Primo with the Cobra, but Epico capitalised with a Backstabber.
– Daniel Bryan walked up to Henry backstage, trying to explain that the fight in the lumberjack match was all Teddy Long’s fault. Bryan tried to claim Teddy wanted Big Show to be champion and sweet talked Henry, before suggesting he hurt Big Show tonight.
– Before his match with Orton, Wade cut a promo, asking for some decorum. Wade said Orton was letting his ego get the better of him and claimed he was still a broken man spiritually. The fight started in the aisle and referees ran out to try and break it up, on Teddy Long’s orders. When that didn’t work, Teddy sent out some wrestlers to try and break it up instead, which eventually allowed Wade to escape. So Orton settled for giving Reks, Hawkins, Barreta and both Usos RKOs, laying them all out as Wade bailed.
– Backstage, Bryan spoke to Kaitlyn. Bryan wanted Kaitlyn to tell Big Show that Mark Henry was going to try to injure him, claiming it’d be doing AJ a favour. She agreed, on the condition Bryan told her how he really felt about AJ. Bryan said she know he was a private guy and she should go talk to Big Show.
– Hunico d. Ted Dibiase in 1:32. Dibiase was wrestling with a heavily taped arm due to a broken wrist. Dibiase was forced to fight one handed, but Hunico went on the attack. The injured arm prevented Dreamstreet and ultimately lead to Dibiase suffering defeat. Afterwards, Hunico and Camacho attacked Dibiase some more and stomped his arm on the ring steps.
– As a reporter, I’m obliged to tell you there was a segment here that involved Natalya breaking wind. And with that said, I’m now going to pretend that it never happened.
– Brodus Clay d. Alex Riley in 0:37. Not infact a heel, Riley seemed amused by Brodus. He broke out some moves of his own, before being destroyed by Brodus in quick fashion.
– They showed Kaitlyn talking to Big Show backstage.
– Aksana d. Natalya in 0:07. Aksana’s sexy saxophone music is also Aksana’s theme music. She’s clearing been reading the “surefire ways to beat the Divas Of Doom” playbook too, since she won in seven seconds with, yes, a rollup. Natalya attacked and put the Sharpshooter on, but Tamina ran out and gave Natalya the superfly splash.
– Big Show d. Mark Henry by count out. Bryan made a huge, over the top, celebratory entrance, despite not even being in the match. Fantastic. He watched from ringside. The match didn’t go long, as Henry hurt his leg fairly early after planting awkwardly. As a result, the match just sort of ended during commercial. Instead, Bryan tried to attack Big Show with a chair, but Big Show fought him off and grabbed the chair, sending Bryan scurrying. Bryan was able to get the chair back and went on the attack. He then put the Labell Lock on, but Big Show was able to power out. Show hit a chokeslam and set Bryan up for the knockout punch, but Bryan escaped, much to the crowd’s disappointment.