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This week: Much to contemplate, as valentine’s day throws up a number of questions. One, are you serious bro? That’s a given. Two, which is worse, being trapped in the Elimination Chamber, or being trapped in the Friend Zone? And three, let’s be honest, can we really blame Eve for falling for John Cena? I mean, he’s so heroic. I saw those hype videos. Can you bench press 500 plus pounds? I rest my case. Plus, Santino shocks the world, valentine’s day gets weird on NXT, nobody wants to hear Miz speak and the endless possibilities of “The Undertaker” and his brand. Perfume, clothing, cigarettes. Endless.
RAW SUPERSHOW
– Raw started with Kane on the screen, saying there was nothing he would not do to make John Cena embrace the hate. He promised somebody would be taking a ride in an ambulance tonight.
– The six Raw Elimination Chamber competitors were in the ring for a debate. Because, you know, that’s topical right now, I think. John Laurinaitis came out before anyone could answer, saying how happy he was that the Board Of Directors believed in him, before leaving again. Big chants for Punk. Punk said he was the best wrestler in the world, which Jericho and his flashing jacket didn’t seem happy about. Vickie asked that there be no booing allowed. The fans did not comply. Ziggler ragged on Truth. Truth talked about trading Dolph and Vickie to Smackdown for Hornswoggle and a box of spiders if he was elected. He’s embracing the What? chants now. He cut an insane promo. Everybody looked at him like he was crazy. Miz claimed last year’s Wrestlemania was a success due to him. He insulted Vickie. Miz spoke for so long, a buzzer went off to signal he’d run out of time. Nobody else got buzzed. He tried to keep talking against everyone’s wishes. Kofi took exception to Miz calling him an afterthought. Jericho said he was surrounded by neophytes, meaning I learnt a new word watching Raw. Yay. Jericho insisted he was the best in the world and pointed out he’d been in more Elimination Chambers than anyone else, eliminated more people and won his last Chamber match. His jacket blinked throughout. Jericho focused on Punk, who pretended he wasn’t listening. Punk made fun of him for finishing 7th on Dancing With The Stars and Jericho pulled a face. Eventually Lawler called an end to proceedings and Jericho squared up to Punk, before Kofi laid out Jericho with Trouble In Paradise.
– Chris Jericho d. Kofi Kingston in 5:21. Jericho got a commercial break to recover but Kofi was still on top early. Kofi hit a dive and sent Jericho into the table. A counter powerbomb got Jericho back into the match. Kofi was able to make the ropes in the Walls Of Jericho. He then hit Trouble In Paradise again, but Jericho got his foot on the rope to prevent the pin. As the referee tried to separate Kofi, Jericho used an eye poke to set up the Codebreaker.
– Shawn Michaels arrived backstage and ran into Triple H.
– Cena was with Zack backstage. Zack had flowers and chocolates for Eve, since it was almost Valentine’s Day. Cena was worried about Kane and told him stay in his locker room for safety and he’d find Eve.
– In Laurinaitis’s office, Otunga pointed out that he was still the interim GM and the Board didn’t make him permanent GM yet. Otunga had an idea that’d make him permanent GM of both Raw and Smackdown.
– Randy Orton d. Big Show by DQ in 4:34. Daniel Bryan came out to watch. He sat at ringside near Cole and Cole was talking nice about Bryan all match, because he was within earshot. Which was an interesting touch. Wonder if that’s leading to anything. They had a solid match. Show got distracted by Bryan, allowing Orton to give him the big DDT over the top rope. An RKO spot went awry, but Orton hit a second one. Bryan ran in and gave Orton a belt shot from behind. Cole immediately started criticising Bryan now he was gone, as Bryan gave Big Show a shot with the belt as well and stood tall.
– Shawn Michaels came out. Shawn said it wouldn’t be Wrestlemania season without Mr Wrestlemania. He said he was watching last week and was waiting for HHH to accept Undertaker’s challenge. And he was shocked when he didn’t. Shawn said he’d come to the conclusion that HHH was just playing mind games with Undertaker and invited Triple H to come out and accept now. They hugged and joked around a bit, but HHH told him he wasn’t facing Undertaker. He reiterated he wasn’t willing to finish Undertaker off. Shawn said that’s what HHH does, that’s who he is. Shawn asked if he’d “married that chick and became one of them”. He called HHH a corporate sellout. HHH said Shawn didn’t understand. He tried to leave, but Shawn dragged him back, calling him a coward. HHH got mad, saying unlike him, he had responsibilities, because the WWE was going to be his. He said he used to look at Undertaker as an opponent, but he couldn’t now, he was a “brand” and the brand was good for business. He said Undertaker was all that was left from their era and he couldn’t be the guy to end it. HHH said Shawn was trying to live vicariously through him since he didn’t get the job done. Shawn said he was at peace with his life, but HHH wasn’t. He told him to look him in the eye and say he didn’t want to end Undertaker’s streak. HHH got in Shawn’s face and said no, so Shawn walked out on him. Before HHH could leave, the light went out and another Undertaker video played. They showed him cutting his hair off, so that’s that problem solved.
– R-Truth d. Dolph Ziggler in 2:29. Ziggler looked good for most of the match. But as Ziggler stopped mid-match to do some situps Truth caught him and turned one into an inside cradle for the win. Cute finish.
– Santino spoke to Zack. Santino had some valentines advice for Zack. It wasn’t good advice.
– Tamina Snuka d. Brie Bella in 1:28. Beth did commentary. They’ve added the Snuka surname to Tamina, in her continued character tweaking. Tamina took out Nikki with a headbutt and beat Brie with the superfly splash.
– Josh interviewed Cena. Or, he tried to. Kane tried to take Eve away in the ambulance but Cena heard her screams and ran to save her. Kane was ready to drive away, but Eve jumped out at the last second, into Cena’s arms. And then, they kissed. Cena was confused, then they both noticed Zack the cripple had seen them. Eve tried to explain herself to Zack, saying it was heat of the moment. She wanted to be friends. Everyone in the crowd was appalled by this suggestion.
– CM Punk d. The Miz by submission in 5:00. Punk hurt his arm and Miz tried to go after it for a while. They exchanged the advantage for a while, but nobody seemed to buy Miz winning. Punk eventually picked up the win with the Anaconda Vice. Jericho and his blinking lights was watching on a monitor backstage.
– Kane and the ambulance returned to the arena, before Cena came out. He got his usual hostile reaction. Cena apologised to Ryder. He said Kane’s plan was to turn everyone against him and make him embrace the hate. People chanted that they hated Cena. Cena said he was proud to be who he was and he told everyone to keep thinking that made him weak. But he’d continue to overcome. He promised to win at Elimination Chamber and said he had a message for Rock. But Zack wheeled himself out. Ryder got on his crutches and came to the ring. He slapped Cena and Cena took his shirt off like he was ready to fight. Cena blocked a punch from Zack and thought up one of his own, but realised what he was doing. Zack hobbled back up the aisle as Kane appeared on the screen and said what he did to Zack meant he’d embraced the hate. As Zack got back in his wheelchair, Kane came out and sent him off the side of the stage in the chair. Cena ran to check on him and Eve was there crying, as Zack was stretchered out.
NXT
– Show opened with Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks. They claimed Striker tried to ruin their moment last week. Hawkins claimed they were the two biggest potential stars going and it was ridiculous they were made to beg for matches on NXT. Hawkins said NXT didn’t need a host. He unveiled a Curt Hawkins “Change” t-shirt. Striker interrupted. They called him to the ring. Striker said he’d called an old friend to ‘substitute’ for him. It was William Regal. Regal said he was in charge tonight and banned Reks from ringside for Hawkins’s match, which was with Tyson Kidd.
– Tyson Kidd d. Curt Hawkins by submission in 6:34. Kidd did a hurricanrana off the apron, swinging around the ringpost to go around the corner, which was impressive. But a trip sent him face first on the ring apron and Hawkins took control. The fans got into Tyson as he made a strong comeback. Both guys traded close falls late on, before Kidd got the Sharpshooter on and forced Hawkins to tap. Really enjoyable TV match.
– Titus O’Neil d. Yoshi Tatsu in 3:27. Yoshi took the fight to Titus. Titus tried to ground him but Yoshi fought back, until Titus hit the sky high out of nowhere for the pin. He demanded a match with Alex Riley, which brought Riley out. As soon as Riley got in the ring, Titus rolled out and said it’d be next week, because he had a valentine’s date.
– Alicia and Kaitlyn talked about Maxine backstage. She insisted she and Bateman were just friends. Johnny Curtis walked up and invited them to the back of his van, which they weren’t into. As they walked off, he ‘intercepted’ a valentine’s gift meant for Maxine. He said it was like stealing candy from a Bateman, which is top top wordplay.
– Percy Watson d. Michael McGillicutty in 4:04. Crowd weren’t into this until Percy started making a comeback. Percy won with the Percycution.
– In her dressing room, Maxine found her valentine’s gift. Except, “somebody”, wink wink, had changed the card to say it was for Kaitlyn. Maxine threw the chocolates away in anger.
– Derrick Bateman and Justin Gabriel d. Johnny Curtis and Heath Slater (Bateman pinned Slater) in 4:27. Kaitlyn did commentary. It was pretty amazing. She’s great. Regal seemed quite enamoured with her. Curtis has new gear with the words “Let’s Get Weird” on the back, another pretty amazing person. Bateman and Gabriel took their opponents out with dives. The heels were able to isolate Gabriel. Regal and Kaitlyn were the stars of the show. The match itself was not bad either, as Bateman ran wild off the tag. Bateman hit the side headlock driver for the pin and Kaitlyn looked very impressed. Maxine stormed out with the chocolates and got into a brawl with Kaitlyn. This turn of events also seemed to please Regal. Kaitlyn got a faceful of the chocolates and Bateman tried to break it up, eventually carrying Maxine off kicking and screaming. As he carried her off, they passed Curtis, who was watching all of this from behind the steps with a creepy smirk. This was all magnificent.
SUPERSTARS
– Aksana d. Maxine in 5:28. Aksana looked largely okay here. In more ways than one. She used a spinebuster for the victory.
– Jack Swagger d. Mason Ryan by submission in 5:02. Vickie has a thing for Scott Stanford and who can blame her? Swagger tried to spook Mason out by screaming at him, which really didn’t work. Ryan got the better of Swagger early, until Swagger clipped his knee. Mason tried to get the full nelson slam, but Swagger escaped to the apron and reinjured the leg on the ring post, to set up the ankle lock.
– Epico and Primo d. Santino Marella and Alex Riley (Epico pinned Riley) in 8:52. Crowd were into Santino. More on this later. Josh compared him to Jeremy Lin. Santino chased Epico off with the cobra. Epico mocked the trombone, which is a real jerk move. Rileyrella looked strong early and Santino loaded up the Cobra, but the champions were able to cut Santino off thanks to a distraction. Santino eventually got the tag to Riley, who ran wild. Things broke down, before Epico countered Riley’s TKO and hit the Backstabber for the win.
SMACKDOWN
– Orton was in Teddy’s office and didn’t look happy. Teddy said he was sorry, but he wasn’t medically cleared due to his concussion and he wouldn’t be able to compete tonight, or in the Elimination Chamber.
– Big Show and Great Khali d. Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes (Show pinned Barrett) in 3:35. Big Show was in a bad mood from Monday. After Khali dominated for a while, Cody and Wade were able to get him down and work him over. Show ran wild and hit Barrett with a giant spear. Chokeslam put Wade away. After the match Khali and Show faced off and Show laid him out with the KO punch.
– Teddy was fretting over what to do about Orton’s spot in the Chamber, when Mark Henry walked in. He told Teddy not to let his pride get in the way of doing what as good for business and he needed him in the Chamber. Show came in and wanted Daniel Bryan. Henry told him to wait his turn, so Big Show knocked him out. He started wrecking the office as Teddy ran off. After the break, he told security to escort Big Show out. Security weren’t down with this prospect.
– Hunico d. Ted Dibiase in 1:49. Hunico claimed Dibiase stole a victory from him last week. Hunico went after Ted’s injured arm again. This was all action for the short time it lasted. Ted injured his wrist and Camacho made things worse by hanging his arm over the arm, allowing Hunico to score the win with a rollup.
– Epico and Primo d. The Usos (Primo pinned Jimmy) in 4:48. Apparently Primo hasn’t done his wrestling homework, because he tried to headbutt a Samoan and it didn’t work. The champions gained control. Booker T compared them to Harlem Heat, as he’s prone to do. Usos were able to make the tag and Jey made a big comeback. Jey countered a Backstabber and Jimmy went for the superfly splash, but Primo got his knees up and hit the Backstabber second time around. Match was fun.
– Bryan came out, once Big Show was no longer in the arena. They showed a bunch of pro meat eating signs in the crowd and one pointing out that his belt is made of leather. Fantastic. Bryan bragged about what he did on Raw. He claimed if either Orton or Big Show were real men, they’d be out there right now. But they were afraid of him. He claimed everyone was afraid of Daniel Bryan. Bryan said the fans had no faith in him, but he proved everybody wrong and would do so again at Elimination Chamber. Bryan claimed he would win the Chamber match, just like he would have beaten Orton tonight. He got Lillian to announce him the winner via forfeit and did a giant celebration. Teddy interrupted and announced Bryan would be facing Sheamus instead.
– Daniel Bryan d. Sheamus by DQ in 6:45. Sheamus was in control from the start, forcing Bryan to grab his belt and try to take the count out. Sheamus cut him off, but Bryan was able to cut him off moments later and tried to take a count out victory with Sheamus on the floor. After being worked over, Sheamus made a comeback. He fought off the Labell Lock and set up for the Celtic Cross. Bryan escaped and slapped Sheamus, which caused Sheamus to lose his cool. As if that wasn’t enough he then spat at Sheamus and Sheamus threw the referee down for the DQ. Bryan ran away and Sheamus was left to fume.
– Wade came into Teddy’s office, wanting to know who Orton’s replacement was. Cody showed up, wanting to know the same thing. Teddy set up an invitational wildcard battle royal for the final spot, with anyone from Raw, Smackdown, even NXT. Neither Cody or Wade seemed happy about this.
– Jinder Mahal d. Ezekial Jackson by submission in 2:08. Jinder applied the 80s evil foreigner camel clutch, but Zeke powered out. Which lead to Jinder hitting a flatliner and putting it back on for the win. Nothing to see here. Nothing.
– Tamina Snuka and Alicia Fox d. Beth Phoenix and Natalya (Tamina pinned Natalya) in 2:53. They showed clips comparing Tamina to her father before the match. The heels put a hurting on Alicia. Natalya got the Sharpshooter locked in but Tamina got the tag and finished Natalya off with the superfly splash. Beth then took a thrust kick and Tamina went for the superfly splash on her, but Beth escaped.
– Laurinaitis and Otunga showed up. Laurinaitis asked if Teddy was really going to give some no name, no charisma talent into the Elimination Chamber. He told him he was going to add some excitement to the battle royal and added David Otunga.
– Santino Marella won an Elimination Chamber Wildcard Battle Royal, last eliminating David Otunga, to earn a spot in the World Title Elimination Chamber Match.
Participants: Drew McIntyre, Curt Hawkins, Tyler Reks, Michael McGillicutty, Primo, Epico, Ezekial Jackson, Hunico, Camacho Jimmy Uso, Jey Uso, Yoshi Tatsu, Jinder Mahal, Heath Slater, Derrick Bateman, Titus O’Neil, Darren Young, Santino Marella, Johnny Curtis, Ted Dibiase, Percy Watson, Justin Gabriel, Alex Riley, David Otunga
Laurinaitis accompanied Otunga out. Bateman was the first man eliminated, which is a travesty. The NXT guys were on the chopping block early, with Percy and Titus going quick. Drew pressed Tyson out onto an Uso. Slater and Young went out, soon followed by Yoshi. Dibiase was able to eliminate Camacho as payback for earlier. McGillicutty was out next. Gabriel threw Hawkins out. Epico and Primo worked together to eliminate Riley, then threw Curtis into Reks to eliminate both of them. The other Uso was their next victim, but Primo double crossed Epico and dumped him out moments later. Hunico managed to take Ted out, but Ted blocked a kick and pulled him off the apron to eliminate Hunico. Primo and Gabriel teased eliminations, with Gabriel eventually hitting a spin kick to take Prmo out. But as soon as he got back in, Zeke clotheslined him out. Zeke then dumped Jinder. Which left Zeke, Drew, Otunga and Santino as the final four. Santino tried to bring out the cobra, but got jumped. Drew laid Otunga and Zeke out with boots, but Santino snuck up behind and threw him out. Zeke set Santino up to be thrown out, but Santino escaped and pulled the rope down, eliminating him. At which point, with Santino and Otunga left, the crowd got behind Santino. Santino hulked up and people went nuts. But he missed the headbutt. Otunga had the match seemingly won, but Santino reversed and sent Otunga over the top to win the battle royal. The crowd erupted, which made this all worthwhile. Really well done and Santino was great.