-Rey Mysterio left Undertaker in a vegetative state? Must have been a hell of a night in Tijuana. Hope Michelle McCool doesn’t know.
-Taped from near the Gulf of Mexico
-Your hosts are Tool and Stryke
-Recap of last week’s events involving Kane and Mysterio becoming the number one contender for the world heavyweight championship. Won’t Mysterio versus Kane be quite the barn burner at Summerslam? Maybe not.
-No opening theme tonight. Kane is in the ring with a coffin, and we get more creepy music. This is so hokey and stupid. Kane claims Mysterio is the one who put Taker in his vegetative state. Not even members of the WWE Universe are stupid enough to believe Mysterio could possibly do it. As many buys as Monday’s Raw added to Summerslam, I guarantee this segment added zero. The writers try in this promo to why this is plausible, but come on. IT’S REY MYSTERIO! He’s three feet tall and hasn’t ever done anything than commit burglary when he was in The Filthy Animals in WCW. Kane opens the casket and says Mysterio will actually pray to him. I hope it’s for a good match. Is there a wrestling god not named JBL for Rey Rey to pray to? After about seven hours, the segment finally ends. Kane gets points for memorization and nothing else.
-Announcers talk about Mysterio’s match with Jack Swagger. Again? Oh, it’s no disqualification so Swagger at least can’t stupidly cost himself a fall.
-Christian vs. Drew McIntyre
I mentioned the wrestling gods earlier. What did Christian do to the wrestling gods that he has to wrestle all these stiffs? Ezekiel Jackson and now McIntyre. Stryke makes a really dumb comment about McIntyre accomplishing more than Christian did at this point in his career. Grisham actually comes back with a line about Christian winning a title in his first match. I applaud Grisham for pointing out that level of stupidity. Christian can carry anyone with even a modicum of talent, and this is no exception. Christian suffers a shoulder injury (worked?)when McIntyre grabs the arm and bangs a steel beam. Instead of aggressively going after the arm with strikes or an aggressive submission, he simply grabs a lazy key lock. And that’s why McIntyre sucks everyone. McIntyre actually rams the arm into the steel barricade during a commercial break. Back to the lazy key lock. McIntyre being on offense so much should be death for this match, but Christian’s selling and babyface comeback elevates the match. McIntyre can’t put Christian away despite the left shoulder basically hanging there. Amazing how much of a jobber he comes off as in this bout. McIntyre even bashes the shoulder into the post. As he pulls him for the double-armed DDT, Christian rolls him up for three. McIntyre = jobber.
-Winner (s)/Rating: Christian/**1/4
-This has to be one of the dumbest booked matches of the year. McIntyre is a dastardly heel who works the arm of Christian the entire match, but he can’t put the man away. Want to know why the quality of this show has gone down exponentially throughout the year? Because Smackdown has become The Drew McIntyre show. Either stop giving him this level of push or make him a main eventer. Trying to have it both ways annoys the piss out of me.
-Cody Rhodes with more grooming tips. Keep in mind Cody’s father is the iconic Dusty Rhodes, a man who puts millions of asses in seats and is a legendary performer.
-Alberto Del Rio plays pool. Is this before or after he sends his men out to complete a deal? I still don’t understand what the hell his character is. He says something about being excellent. Not exactly perfect, is it.
-C.M. Punk isn’t happy with anyone in the S.E.S. Remember when Punk was a top heel and the world champion? At least his promo makes me laugh. His mocking of Joey Mercury is tremendous. “You need a tissue Joey?” Awesome.
-The Big Show vs. Luke Gallows (w/S.E.S)
The only way I’d give this match five stars is if I was drunk. Which is ironic considering Punk is at ringside.Match doesn’t last long as the entire Straight Edge Society beats down on Big Show outside the ring. Punk works over the hand . Good to see at least four people can him down.
-Show walks to the back after the commercial break.
-Kofi Kingston (Intercontinental Champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/Vickie Guerrero)
Check this wonderful booking out. Ziggler beat the champion last week, but he has to win THIS match in order to get an I-C title match next week. I’m sorry, but did I turn on Impact? That’s TNA level stupidity there. This feels like the exact same match as last week except Curt Hennig’s kid doesn’t get kicked out of ringside. I believe Kofi and Dolph are wearing the same gear. I’m a huge fan of Kofi if he can just stop botching moves and can learn when to do moves. The problem with Dolph is he tries to be a good wrestler instead of just being a good wrestler. There’s a discernible difference. With experience though, Ziggler could be something. Like he just grabs a chinlock at random intervals and it doesn’t feel right within the context of the match. I am also reminded that WWE is going on another foreign tour next week. Hope no volcanos explode in the land down under. Ziggler uses the last chancery, and you can almost see Austin Aries seething. Vickie slaps the champion in the face, but that only serves to fire him up. Kofi goes crazy inside and outside. After sending Ziggler into the announcer’s table multiple times, the referee doesn’t do his job and count both men out. No, Kofi just continues to beat down Dolph until referees come down and break them up. Ziggler is even ruled the winner by disqualification. WHAT? Oh my God. How… forget it.
-Winner (s)/Rating: Dolph Ziggler/**
-Ziggler is wrestling for the I-C title next week. On his 195th time challenging for the title, will Ziggler finally get the belt?
-Jack Swagger interview. He’s got his pouty face on and threatens Rey Rey. He talks about throwing him down stairs and into go to the Gulf of Mexico. Well, if they’re going to go in that area, I hope they clean a few animals while they’re at it. I think BP would appreciate it.
-Kelly Kelly and Tiffany walk to the ring. 2 girls. 1 brain.
-The I-C title match is official for next week.
-Women’s Championship: Michelle McCool(co-women’s champion)(w/Layla) vs. Tiffany (w/Kelly Kelly)
Tiffany brings her leg to the back of her head. Well, that must have its advantages. This was originally supposed to be Layla against Tiffany, but Vickie Guerrero changes it. I could not possibly care less. Matt Stryker calls McCool the most athletic diva in WWE history. Way to suck up to Taker there Stryke. This match is not afraid to blow and suck at the same time. These girls are stupid enough to do a superplex spot. Kelly Kelly and Layla get into it on the outside. McCool hits the styles clash for three.
-Winner (s)/Rating: STILL Women’s Champion: Michelle McCool/DUD
-The one thing I can say about the Raw girls is Eve is trying to be better and Maryse has some personality. General manager Teddy Long wants the girls to make up their mind on who the women’s champion is or he will make the decision. Still don’t care.
-Alberto Del Rio is in a nice house. Hmm, wonder how he got that.
-No Disqualification: Rey Mysterio vs. Jack Swagger
Starts off like their usual match until they leave the ring and literally head to the Gulf of Mexico after a commercial break. Referee rules this a no-contest. Yes, a no-contest in a no DQ match. A total TNA Impact moment. Swagger tries to dump him in the water, but Mysterio ranas him. Kane chokeslams him into the gulf. What a dumb way to end the show.
-Winner (s)/Rating: No-contest/DUD
Final Thoughts: The show was just mediocre before the last half hour. Then it got offensively bad. The entire women’s title situation has to be the worst booked angle on Smackdown. Plus, Tiffany and Michelle McCool have no business wrestling on national television on a weekly basis. Mysterio and Swagger might have been decent, but they ended things in a stupidest possible way. Why would Swagger want to throw Rey Rey in a body of water instead of putting him in the ankle lock and never letting go. Even if Mysterio reached the ropes, Swagger could hold on and not worry about what the referee said. Swagger came off like a complete geek here. Not that we should be surprised. While Raw is making me really excited for Summerslam, Smackdown is hurting my interest. Their half of the show is not looking solid at all.
