This week: A long overdue lesson on the evils of smoking cigarettes and replenishing fluids, the decade’s two top draws join forces, plus we ask the UK-related questions which really matter. Can you be knighted by an impersonator? Did they really fly Edge halfway across the world for that? And why are Brits so eager to put paper bags over their heads in public?
RAW
– Raw opened with R-Truth, which is a rarity. Truth said he’d had demons in the past, but now he was in line for the WWE Title. He promised to be a fighting champion and take on anybody. Out came John Morrison. Then it got weird. With all the chemistry we’ve come to expect from the Truth and Morrison tag team (ahem), Morrison claimed Truth got lucky and he was out of shape. They then proceeded to bury Truth for taking a drink of water between matches during the Gauntlet last week. No, really, they buried him for needing water. Morrison came off heelish here. He said Truth looked good for an athlete who smokes. Truth brushed it off as Morrison just trying to goad him into a match. So, Morrison goaded him into the match anyway. Truth jokingly asked for some water and a cigarette. I don’t even know. If you’re looking for answers, you’ve come to the wrong person.
– #1 Contendership: John Morrison d. R-Truth in 3:56. Truth bailed out after the opening exchange to, jokingly, get some water. Cole’s bickering with JR and Lawler was insufferable here. They worked an even, babyface match. After both missing their patented kicks, Morrison blocked the jumping flatliner and hit Starship Pain to win the #1 contendership from Truth. Match wasn’t bad.
– Morrison looked apologetic after the match. As Morrison celebrated, Truth pulled him off the turnbuckles and snapped. Running knees out of the ring and into the barrier laid Morrison out. Truth then apologised and ‘hugged’ the injured Morrison. Only to throw him to the ground, hit him with a water bottle and give him the jumping flatliner on the floor. Truth was acting strange through all this. Sort of conflicted, but sort of not. I liked it. It got better. Truth went to the crowd, bummed a pack of cigarettes from a fan and lit up. Which probably wasn’t smart, since it is illegal to smoke indoors in the UK (and all of this got cut from broadcast over here). Truth blew smoke on Morrison and threw the cigarette at him (as some of the fans yelled “Think of the children!”) I get the sense you either loved this, or hated this. Little inbetween here.
– “The New And Improved” Dolph Ziggler d. Evan Bourne in 2:13. Dolph now has short brown hair. He also has a new attitude, apparantly. Ziggler managed to dropkick Bourne, in mid-air, in the face. Impressive. Pretty back and forth. Ziggler avoided the SSP and hit the Zig Zag for the pin.
– The Miz came out with Alex Riley. He complained that he’d been preparing for Truth and Cena, but now he has to face Morrison and Cena at Extreme Rules, in a Cage. So, he did an in-ring protest until the GM “made things right”. As Miz continued to complain, Sin Cara came out for his match with Riley. However, before that could happen, John Cena came out. Leading to the GM making a tag match between the four.
– John Cena and Sin Cara d. The Miz and Alex Riley (Cara pinned Riley) in 7:39. If WWE wanted Sin Cara to get cheered, teaming him with John Cena in England wouldn’t have been my idea. But, he seemed to overcome Cena’s hatred. Lawler actually asked, during this match, what would happen if Cole got drafted to Smackdown. Draft time just bugs me. Miz and Riley worked Cena over early. Cara got the tag and ran wild, but Riley pulled him off the apron to regain the advantage. Tag to Cena was less than hot sadly. As Cena did his comeback, Miz grabbed his belt and left. Cena hit the AA, followed by slingshot quebrada from Cara (which he overshot, but oh well). Would have benefited from a more pro-Cena crowd.
– Another Kong vignette showed her pulling the legs off another doll.
– Eve Torres d. Nikki Bella in 1:48. Brie reminded Eve before the match, if she got drafted to Smackdown, she wouldn’t get her return match. This was pretty bad. Eve won with an amateur (the sport, not the quality) style roll-up.
– Because they were in the UK and, apparantly, we’re all obsessed with royals, Michael Cole had a knighting ceremony. I was expected great things from this and was sadly mistaken. Cole brought out Swagger and they shared a hug. Cole put on a robe and Swagger read a proclamation, managing to say “Hear He” instead of Hear Ye. That was something else. They brought out a Queen lookalike. She struggled to keep a straight face through this absurdity. Crowd chanted “Who Are Ya”, which isn’t a term of endearment here incase you were wondering. The fake Queen knighted Cole and he tried to get a “Sir Michael Cole” chant going. Cole then dared Lawler to kiss his feet. Lawler and JR went to get in the ring, but Swagger jumped Lawler and they forced JR to kiss Cole’s ugly looking foot in the anklelock. The comedy here was very much unintentional.
– Sheamus d. Santino Marella in 3:37. Sheamus brought up being embarrassed by Santino in England last year and this possibly being his last chance for revenge, because of the draft. Sheamus dominated the entire match. A missed charge allowed Santino to go for the Cobra, but he was so hurt that he just collapsed and took the Brogue Kick.
– Randy Orton d. CM Punk in 11:26. Crowd was split. We got duelling Randy Orton/CM Punk and RKO/GTS chants during the course of the match. Orton actually bit Punk’s hand at one point to escape a submission. Punk almost won with a round kick counter to the RKO which looked great. Instead, another roundhouse kick was ducked and Orton won with a surprise schoolboy. Good main-event. Slow paced, but, hey, it’s Orton. Work was good.
– The New Nexus hit the ring afterwards. They beat up Orton. Mason gave him a side effect, the stopped Otunga and McGillicutty doing anything, wanting Orton for himself. But when Mason went for the punt, Punk stopped him and said Orton was his. By the time Punk got Mason to back off, Orton had recovered and countered with an RKO, allowing him to escape. Punk threw a fit as Raw went off the air.
NXT
– Josh was standing in for Grisham. No Striker either.
– The challenge this week was the inflatable platforms. But instead of pugil sticks, it was a mini tug of war. Exciting, huh? Conor beat Saxton, Novak beat Young and Lucky beat Titus on a disqualification. Maryse gave Lucky a bye. So Novak beat Conor and beat Lucky by disqualification. This may have been the worst challenge in NXT history. Think about that.
– Novak was still dressed in Cryme Tyme knock-off clothes. Apparantly, this week, Novak was cool with JTG. I’m so confused. Is JTG heel now? Novak cut a cheap heat promo and called out Regal. Crowd wanted it, but Conor O’Brien came out and challenged him instead.
– Jacob Novak d. Conor O’Brien in 3:02. Conor got a rollup and Novak either forgot to kick out or the ref forgot to count three. That’s pretty much all you need to know about this. Conor eventually won with an inside cradle. Novak shoved Regal afterwards and Regal got up to attack, but JTG managed to get Novak away.
– Backstage Byron tried to offer Yoshi some advice, but Maryse walked up and asked him to go shopping. And kissed him again. Byron tried to change the subject to their tag match, but Yoshi was still mesmerised. Aww.
– Hornswoggle d. Darren Young in 1:37. Chavo stooged out Young and they changed the match so Young had one arm tied behind his back. And was blindfolded. I guess the idea was Chavo trying to teach Young some humility. Fun and frivolity ensued. Young cheated by lifting his blindfold to find Hornswoggle. But Hornswoggle managed to counter a superplex (a poor choice of move if you’re blindfolded and have one arm) and win with the Tadpole Splash.
– Tyson Kidd and Lucky Cannon d. Yoshi Tatsu and Byron Saxton (Tyson pinned Yoshi) in 10:35. Lucky refused to lock up with Saxton because he wanted Yoshi instead. He lasted two kicks, then tagged out to Tyson. Regal explained why this NXT concept is stupid, because it took a guy like him years to get noticed and the rookies are expected to get over immediately, in the nicest, best way possible during this match. Basic tag match. Lucky’s much better as a heel. Although he shouted “It’s all about me” about 15 times during this show. Yoshi had Kidd set up, but got distracted by Lucky hitting on Maryse. Which allowed Tyson to duck the kick and hit a swinging fisherman’s neckbreaker for the pin. This was fine. Rest of the show was bad.
SUPERSTARS
– Tyler Reks d. JTG in 6:47. JTG was working as a face here. I don’t know if this was taped before or after NXT. Guess it doesn’t matter. Reks seemed a bit more expressive than usual. Match was fine, probably a minute or two longer than it needed to be. Reks won with the Burning Hammer.
– Natalya d. Maryse in 4:11. Natalya got a submission win over Maryse in a tag match last week. So this was a rematch, of sorts. Natalya busted out a surfboard. The referee refused to count a Maryse pin because Natalya was in the ropes, which earned him Maryse’s scorn and lots of being yelled at for the rest of the match. Serves him right. He played into the finish too, as he held Natalya back and Maryse hit a cheapshot, posted Natalya and hit the DDT to score the pin. This was pretty clunky in places.
– Mark Henry d. Ted Dibiase in 7:23. Josh claimed this could be the last time we ever see Ted Dibiase versus Mark Henry because of the draft. High stakes indeed. Did I mention draft hype just bugs me to no end? Dibiase stalled for time. Henry overpowered Dibiase until he missed a sitdown splash. But Ted was unable to capitalise on that, so was forced to clip the knee during the break. Despite the bad knee Henry managed to catch Dibiase off the ropes and finish him off with the World’s Strongest Slam.
SMACKDOWN
– Michael Cole came out as Sir Michael Cole, with a throne in the Cole Mine. And a cardboard cutout of Kate and William. Booker T was appalled at this.
– Cody Rhodes cut a promo before his match, flanked with three helpers. Cody claimed Rey was hiding something by wearing a mask and claimed he should be ashamed of himself. He then claimed the fans were wearing masks too. Metaphorical ones, I presume. Cody said the crowd were envious and got his three assistants to hand out paper bags to the front row. And, because it’s a wrestling show and wrestling is inherently absurd, the fans happily put them on.
– Rey Mysterio d. Cody Rhodes in 6:49. Shamefully, most of the fans took the bags off during the match. WWE got close-ups of those who didn’t. Good match to kick things off. Cody more than held his own. He had Rey set up for Crossrhodes, but took too long, allowing Rey to escape. Cody then went for a powerbomb but Rey turned it into a headscissors to eek out the win.
– Cody attacked after the match and threw Rey outside. They fought at ringside and both in and out of the crowd, Cody took a crazy nosedive over the barricade at one point. A Crossrhodes on the floor finally laid Rey out, before Cody stole a page out of the Beautiful People playbook and put a paper bag on Rey’s head. This all setting up Falls Count Anywhere at the PPV.
– Backstage, Justin Gabriel apologised to Wade Barrett for eliminating him last week. Heath Slater tried to get them to forget about it. He reminded them (as I often like to) that The Corre are a group of equals. Zeke joked that he was the leader and Wade squared up to him, but he was joking as well and they all laughed it off.
– More couples therapy with Laycool. Same deal as last week (ie. bad). Layla began to cry so Michelle hugged her. But it was a swerve and she threw Layla down. Poor Layla.
– Jack Swagger d. Trent Barreta by submission in 1:14. Cole laughed at what he did to JR on Raw before bringing Swagger out. Simple squash. Swagger countered a springboard into a powerbomb, then put on the anklelock.
– WWE Tag Team Championships: Big Show and Kane d. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater (c) (Show pinned Heath) in 4:05 to win the titles. Zeke was in the champs corner. Kane and Big Show dominated early. A distraction allowed Zeke to shove Kane off the top rope and turn the tide. The champions were able to work over Kane for a while, until Slater was caught coming off the top with an uppercut. Big Show ran wild off the tag. He threw Gabriel onto Ezekial and Zeke tried to rush the ring, but Kane cut him off. Which left Slater to take the chokeslam. Big Show and Kane are the tag champions for the second time, but technically ‘WWE Tag Champions’ for the first since the belts follow the Smackdown lineage for whatever reason.
– Zeke, Gabriel and Slater all had a falling out backstage afterwards.
– Drew McIntyre d. Chris Masters in 3:35. Battle of the criminally underrated superworkers! Well, sort of. Guys who are better than their bad reps, certainly. Being in England, Drew had some crowd support. Some more physical than the norm striking in this one, particularly from Masters. The guy takes some big bumps nowadays too. Drew did the run up the turnbuckle counter to the Masterlock then finished him off with the Future Shock DDT. I enjoyed this.
– WWE Intercontinental Championship: Wade Barrett (c) d. Kofi Kingston in 4:25. Wade also had Zeke with him. Obviously Barrett had his fans here also. Crowd was fairly split. Kofi wiped out Barrett with an impressive looking twisting crossbody to the floor going into break. Zeke tried to take out Kofi, but missed and hit Barrett instead. Wade told Zeke to leave, so he did. After trading counters Barrett was able to block a cradle and grab the rope to keep Kofi down.
– Alberto’s ‘Retirement Party’ for Edge was the main event. The World Title was hanging over the ring all night. For some reason there was soft guitar music playing over Alberto. I guess what’s a party without music? Alberto had presents for Edge. A grandfather clock, so he could watch his life tick away. Diapers and a bedpan, because I guess you’ve got to have toilet humour. And… Lita. Except it wasn’t Lita, it was some overweight woman. Which was funny mostly because of Alberto and Brodus Clay’s reactions. Alberto had a walker for Edge incase he and ‘Lita’ wanted to go for a romantic stroll. His last present to Edge was a mobility scooter. Driven to the ring by Ricardo. With fireworks. As Kerwin White’s theme song played. Amazing.
– Suddenly, Edge’s music hit and Edge interrupted. No, really, Edge. He did some poop jokes. I guess last week wasn’t a good enough sendoff. Alberto sent Brodus after Edge, but Christian appeared with a ladder and took Brodus out. Christian hit Alberto with the ladder, then climbed up and grabbed the World Title.
So somewhat of a slow week in England. Some good, some bad, some inconsequential. The WWE Draft is tonight, depending on when you read this obviously. Suffice is to say, I doubt lives will be changed forever, or what the hype tagline is this year. But, who knows.
This week’s Top 5 may or may not be sponsored by Vince Russo. Frankly, it can be sponsored by anyone who’s willing to pay me. The Russo thing is just a joke.
TOP 5: TAG PARTNERS THAT HATE EACH OTHER
5. Chavo Guerrero and Darren Young
4. Truth and Morrison
3. LayCool
2. New Nexus
1. The Corre