This Week In WWE TV- May 2-8, 2011

This week: All Rock, all the time! If you like The Rock then this was the week for you. The Rock speaks! The Rock pledges his allegiance to America! The Rock is surrounded by women! Plus, The Rock, more Rock and The Rock’s celebrity friends tell Rock he’s great! Also, some other things. But, mostly, The Rock.

RAW

– In slightly bigger news than The Rock’s birthday, President Obama announced Osama Bin Laden’s death on Sunday. So, we got a video reminding us that WWE did a Smackdown show two days after September 11th. Lilian Garcia was back and sung the national anthem, as she did on that show.

– Out came The Rock. Apparently it was his birthday. He got a big reaction as you’d expect, to the point he actually seemed to get a little choked up. Rock said “we got him!” and a USA chant broke out. He put over the troops and said the Pledge Of Allegiance, in one of those ‘if Cena did this we’d be livid, but Rock is Rock and can get away with more I guess’ ways. Speaking of things that Rock can apparently get away with, he made some goofy jokes about having a big penis and eating pie.

– The GM cut Rock off mid catchphrase and Cole got some huge heat. Rock cut Cole off though. He goaded Cole into coming out of his Cole Mine. By calling him a “drunk hobbit jackbag bitch”. Yeah, I have no idea either. Cole said he wasn’t the person Rock used to know, he was now a winner. He said he associated with winners and removed his shirt to reveal a Boston Celtics jersey. After threatening to shut down the birthday party, Cole demanded an apology from “Dwayne” for humiliating him over the years. Rock ‘apologised’ and offered his hand. Cole accepted. Dumb move. Rock Bottom and People’s Elbow followed and the crowd went wild. Rock then grabbed the mic again and brought out Pitbull to sing… something. Look, this was cool. And both Rock and Cole were great. But it was also 20 minutes. And this was just the start.

– Speaking of which, Lebron James and Dwayne Wade said Happy Birthday via pre-record. I’m reliably informed they play sport of some kind.

– Truth versus Morrison was supposed to be next. However, Truth jumped Morrison during his entrance. Like a couple of weeks ago, he laid Morrison out with the jumping flatliner on the floor. The referees came out to help Morrison back. But Truth ran back out and hit another one on the stage.

– Jimmy Kimmel wished Rock Happy Birthday.

– Kelly Kelly versus Maryse went to a no contest when Kharma interfered. Match went about 15 seconds before Kharma’s music hit. And, by the way, it is killer music. Crowd went nuts for Kharma. Kelly looked scared but Kharma hit the Implant Buster on Maryse instead. She left instead of going after Kelly for some reason. This was just great.

– Backstage Miz got on Alex Riley’s case for not being at ringside at Extreme Rules. Riley reminded him he was drafted to Smackdown, but Miz said Riley has a personal services contract with him which takes legal precedent. Hmm. Miz claimed he’d win the WWE Title back tonight.

– Paul Walker wished Rock Happy Birthday.

– Samuel L. Jackson wished Rock Happy Birthday.

– Did I mention it was The Rock’s birthday? He was backstage surrounded by Divas at his party. Because he’s cool. He met up with Teddy Long. Vladimir Kozlov walked up and said he had a movie script for Rock’s birthday. Santino showed up dressed as a character from a Rock movie I haven’t seen. Presumably his new one. Hornswoggle was dressed as Scorpion King, which I’ve at least heard of. Khali was dressed as the Tooth Fairy and said “you can’t handle the tooth”, which was at least a level of absurd above the rest to be funny. Ron Simmons was there and said DAMN! Which can make any segment funnier. Even this one.

– Steve Carell wished Rock Happy Birthday, which was the best of the pre-tapes.

– WWE Championship: John Cena (c) d. The Miz by reverse decision in 9:19. Surprisingly mixed reaction for Cena since they were in Miami. More cheers than I was expecting. And, apparently, than WWE were expecting as they sold it as him “walking into the lion’s den”. Riley jumped up on the apron and the distraction allowed Miz to take control. Passionate duelling chants during this one. Cena made his comeback but Miz thumbed him in the eye to escape the AA. Cena avoided a kick and locked in the STF, but Miz made the ropes. Miz removed the turnbuckle pad. Cena blocked going into it and the ref got bumped later. Miz tapped to the STF, but no ref. He then used a briefcase to the gut, hit the Skull Crushing Finale and the ref recovered for a hot nearfall. Cena hit the AA out of nowhere, only for Miz to kick out. With the ref distracted, Miz then hit a belt shot and got the pinfall to ‘win the title’. However when the ref asked for the belt from ringside, it wasn’t there. Miz dropped the belt and the referee, a bit presumptuously, put two and two together and reversed the decision, so Cena retained. Really good match, helped by a great atmosphere but hurt by a slightly dodgy finish.

– Miz blamed Riley for him dropping the belt. As they argued, Cena recovered and hit them both with Attitude Adjustments, then celebrated with the belt.

– Ellen DeGeneres wished Rock Happy Birthday. Tyler Perry wished Rock Happy Birthday. You get the point here. They then showed footage from after Extreme Rules of Cena announcing Osama Bin Laden’s death. Or, as he put it, “compromised to a permanent end”. Which is a little vague. Cena leaving to Lex Luger’s old theme was awesome though.

– Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston d. Jack Swagger and Drew McIntyre (Rey pinned Drew) in 5:37. This was a battle of guys drafted from Smackdown to Raw. Alberto Del Rio was there on commentary as well. Swagger and Drew came out together and had matching gear, which gives me hope they’ll regularly team in the future. Kofi hit Trouble In Paradise and Rey hit the 619. As Rey went up top Alberto thought about going after him. Rey splashed Drew for the pin, then dropkicked Alberto as he tried to get in, so looks like they’re going back to that feud for a while.

– Dan Marino wished Rock Happy Birthday. Back at the party, The Rock congratulated Christian on becoming World Champion. Vickie Guerrero showed up with Dolph Ziggler. They had a cake for The Rock. Behind the cake was Mae Young. And they laughed. Dolph’s “ha ha, she’s so old!” in the middle of his fake laugh legitimately cracked me up. It was like something Conan O’Brien does when his jokes bomb. Dolph knew this was stupid. Amen, Dolph. Rock didn’t think it was funny and said Vickie could never look better than Mae. Rock willingly kissed Mae to stick it to Dolph and Vickie.

– When Rock turned around, Cena was there. Cena held up the WWE Title and promised to keep the title until Wrestlemania. He told Rock if he wants the belt, he’ll have to go through him. George Lopez wished him Happy Birthday on pre-tape as well.

– Kane d. Mason Ryan by DQ in 1:38. When JR says “this will not be a catch-as-catch can classic” before the opening bell, you know what you’re in for. I’m not certain, but I think Punk yelled “basketball is fake” at a guy heckling him. Punk ran in for the DQ. Kane fought him, Otunga and McGillicutty off. He then went for the Chokeslam on Ryan, but Ryan broke the grip and gave Kane a side effect. Big Show ran out to save Kane from a beatdown. But Ryan laid him out with a spear and left on his own.

– Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa and Craig Ferguson all wished Rock Happy Birthday.

– Rock came back out into the arena for the main event segment. Rock thanked everyone for coming out and supporting him. He thanked his family, WWE and vowed next Wrestlemania would be the biggest of all time. Suddenly Mr. McMahon interrupted. Yep, he’s out of the coma. Must have heard the Wrestlemania buyrate and woke up. Vince thanked Rock. Lot of thanking going on here. They played a video package of Rock’s life and career. Set to “Coming Home”. Which was as close to saying “no matter what you do, we made you and you’re one of us” as possible without saying it. It was a nice video obviously. Mya came out to sing Happy Birthday to The Rock. Rock hit his catchphrase to end the show and the balloons dropped from the sky. The show really was what it was. They didn’t quite put The Rock over as the greatest person in humanity, but they certainly pushed the boat out. I was fine with it. There were a few moments between the Rock stuff and the US patriotism, it may have got a bit self-serving, but not off-puttingly so.

NXT

– Chavo Guerrero d. Darren Young in 8:45, with Hornswoggle as referee. They actually put Titus O’Neill on commentary for this. Hornswoggle made Young take an ‘illegal’ boot off before the match and ‘accidentally’ trod on his toes as he called for the bell. Titus namedropped Haku. Really. Hornswoggle did the babyface ref messing with the heel routine, without really getting involved until the end. After getting bumped accidentally, Hornswoggle got in an arguement with Young and ended up biting him on the ass. Chavo took advantage and won with the Frog Splash. Titus was okay on commentary. I’m seen/heard far worse.

– They showed a meeting between Kozlov and Conor earlier in the day. Kozlov broke a plank of wood with his head. Conor broke one as well and Kozlov was happy.

– Lucky Cannon d. Conor O’Brian in 4:17. It’s still all about Lucky, apparently. They worked a basic match. Tyson grabbed the leg to distract Conor and Lucky got the win as a result.

– They showed Maryse being attacked by Kharma from Raw and Yoshi was sad watching this. Byron came in and apologised for attacking him last week. Yoshi tried to blow him off so he could call Maryse and Byron got mad at Yoshi, telling him he was going to do things on his own until Yoshi got his head straight.

– Novak and JTG came out for Novak’s match with Regal. Novak was suddenly into JTG’s shtick this week. And he had cornrows. Novak promised to make Regal famous. Regal said he was going to show all the Pros how to take care of a rookie. Regal insulted JTG and JTG told Novak he wanted Regal instead. Which was fine with Regal, because as much as he disliked Novak, he loathes JTG.

– William Regal d. JTG by DQ in 6:01. Regal dominated JTG and forced him into repeated escapes to the floor. Regal offered a handshake and stomped on JTG’s hand when he was stupid enough to accept. He even had time to call Novak a coward while he was beating up JTG. Regal is a great man. I think the kids still assumed JTG was the face. And, why wouldn’t they, I suppose. Regal knocked Novak down outside, then stomped JTG in the corner while chatting to the referee. Again, great man. Regal had the match won with the Knee Trembler but Novak jumped in for the DQ.

– Novak beat on Regal after the match and helped JTG to safety. So, maybe Regal and Novak next week.

– And incase you forgot or didn’t realise how great The Rock is, they ended the show with a recap of his birthday. Yup, that was the main event. Yay Rock!

SUPERSTARS

– Trent Baretta d. Jey Uso in 7:46. Not a lot of heat. But, a really good match. Trent was pushed off the top rope into the barricade before the break. Trent also broke out a Whisper In The Wind. After exchanging big moves, Trent was crotched up top. But he escaped Jey’s plans and hit the Dudebuster DDT to score the win. Trent looked really impressive here.

– Beth Phoenix d. Melina in 4:39. Hey, Beth’s back. Beth went for the Glam Slam early but Melina got the ropes. Melina went nuts over a broken nail. Crazy. In a call-back to their past matches, Beth forced Melina to kick herself in the head. Melina missed her splits kick and Beth finished her off with a deadlift Glam Slam. Once again, the Superstars Divas matches continue to be much better than the Raw ones are allowed to be.

– Evan Bourne d. Zack Ryder in 6:40. Very good, as you’d expect. There were a few Zack Pack members in the crowd. Lots of mat wrestling early. Things picked up nicely from there. Evan won with Air Bourne. They got a camera angle of this literally from the mat, so the cameraman must have been in the ring for the finish. It looked pretty darn cool. Great match to end another strong Superstars episode. Give this show a look, for sure.

SMACKDOWN

– New World Champion Christian opened up to celebrate his title win at Extreme Rules. He spoke about dreaming about this moment as a kid and said they all compared in comparison with how it actually felt to be champion. He talked about Edge and got choked up. He also thanked his ‘Peeps’. As he was promising to be a champion for the fans, Mark Henry interrupted. Henry does look trimmer. Henry claimed he was cheering for Christian, not because he’s a fan but because he wanted a shot at the title. Christian asked Mark if he knew the belt was made out of gold, not chocolate. Right after I complimented him about his weight, too.

– Then, The Great Khali interrupted. Yes, the guy who was in a tutu on Raw wanted a World Title shot. Runjin claimed Khali had wrestled white bengal tigers into submission. I doubt that. I really do. I’d pay to see it, though. Out came Smilin’ Randy Orton next, to a huge pop. Orton wanted his name thrown in the hat too. So Teddy Long decided to poll the audience. To zero surprise, Orton got the biggest cheer. Well, the only cheer.

– Backstage Runjin told Khali he’d get another chance, when they bumped into Jinder Mahal

again. Once Khali walked off, Runjin said he was glad to have Jinder on Smackdown, but he had Khali’s career on track. Jinder asked if it was Runjin’s idea to have him in a tutu on Raw and said he found it “interesting”. So they’re teasing that there’s some backstory here.

– Sheamus d. Daniel Bryan in 5:39. The commentators put Sheamus over as extra angry having lost the US Title. Bryan hit his dive early, but then got thrown into the ringpost. Sheamus gave Bryan a brutal looking knee from the apron at one point. My heart leapt. Bryan recovered to hit his missile dropkick. A flurry of kicks got a nearfall. Bryan countered a shoulder block into the Lebell Lock but Sheamus got the ropes. Sheamus then intercepted another dive with a Brogue Kick, followed with another Brogue Kick in the ring to pick up the win. Good stuff.

– Cody Rhodes promo. Cody claimed Rey added insult to injury by blowing mist in his eyes. He said although he lost, he forced Rey to expose himself as a gutless coward. And even though his eyes were still burning, he could see the fans were still ugly. So he handed out the paper bags again, “at great expense”. Really? How expensive are paper bags, exactly? The fact the fans willingly put them on still amuses me. “Hey, you’re ugly, here’s a paper bag”. “Oh, thanks mister bad guy!”

– Ezekial Jackson d. Big Show in 3:37. Jolly Big Show is a great babyface. The rest of The Corre accompanied Zeke and Kane came out to even the odds a little. Big Show did an amateur takedown on Zeke. That was something. Zeke got to display his strength, to the point Show was almost working like the smaller babyface at times. It broke into a brawl on the floor. Big Show got involved, but fell to the big lariat.

– Afterwards The Corre tried to celebrate with him, but Zeke left.

– Layla d. Alicia Fox in :53. Lay Out neckbreaker. Nothing to see here. Until the post-match, when Kharma headed out for some more destruction. Literally. Layla escaped and Alicia, stupidly, kicked Kharma in the back. Kharma made her pay. Literally. Kharma gave Alicia a clothesline (which injured Alicia’s shoulder), then gave her the Implant Buster.

– The Corre confronted Ezekial in the locker room. Wade told Zeke he couldn’t let it be seen as him walking away. So Zeke had the chance to get the jump on the three, but they soon overwhelmed him. They dumped a big laundry bin on him, which for some reason had a fake crashing sound effect dubbed over it. Infact, it may have been a car crashing. Just absurd. I laughed too much at that.

– Sin Cara d. Tyson Kidd in 2:49. Chavo Guerrero was on commentary. Blue and gold lights are still in effect. Chavo kept comparing Cara to the Guerreros and mostly himself. He claimed Cara was “one dimensional” and stealing moves from him. Sin Cara used the one man spanish fly to win, which I’m fairly sure he didn’t steal from Chavo. Afterwards Chavo offered his hand and they had a faceoff.

– Todd Grisham interviewed Theodore Long, asking if it was fair for Christian to defend his title tonight. Teddy said the fans wanted it and pointed out Orton was banged up from Extreme Rules as well.

– World Championship: Randy Orton d. Christian (c) in 10:09 to win the title. Back and forth until Christian missed with a pescado. Orton took over and slowly worked Christian over. Both guys took a spill over the top and Christian regained the advantage during the commercial break. Lots of swings in momentum, they portrayed these two as more even than you’d expect. Orton got a close two with the hangman DDT. Crowd were super into it. Both finishers were countered. Christian then sprung off the ropes for his twisting sunset flip, but Orton turned it into the RKO and became the new champion. I hear this was slightly controversial. All I know is, this was a very good match.

– After the match they left plenty of time to focus on Christian. They gave Orton his celebration and then showed Christian selling shock over what happened. The crowd cheered him out, as he walked up the ramp to end the show. So there’s more to come and they didn’t bury the guy. But, I can understand some of the disappointment. It did come very quickly. And it is Orton yet again. Anger, though? There’s better things in life to get angry about, to be brutally honest.

Everyone should just take a deep breath and be thankful that we’re blessed with the existence of Dwayne Johnson, if you ask me.

TOP 5: MATCHES YOU SHOULD WATCH IF YOU HAVEN’T YET

5. Trent Baretta versus Jey Uso

4. Daniel Bryan versus Sheamus

3. John Cena versus The Miz

2. Evan Bourne versus Zack Ryder

1. Christian versus Randy Orton

(R.I.P Rammy.)

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