This week: The return of the recap that’s packed tighter than a Congressman’s underwear (and, as you can tell, brimming with current events satire). Insert commentary snort here, to indicate humour. Plus, Austin returns to Raw and is punish
ed by being made to return to Raw, Christian abandons his peeps, real big fun with AJ and R-Truth on a boat.
RAW
– The finale of Tough Enough bled into Raw, with Andy being named the winner, earning him a slap from Vince and a Stunner from Austin.
– So with Andy out of the way, R-Truth came out, dressed in a confederates outfit. Because… well, because, okay? Truth apologised for throwing the drink on the fans last week, which means he gets his title shot at Capitol Punishment. Austin called him a jackass. Truth explained he was dressed the way he was, which was helpful to those of us not versed in American history. Cole did his snort somewhere in here. Stop that. Truth said he was seceding from the WWE Universe. They established that R-Truth first name is in fact “R” and Vince suggested he come to the office to discuss his claims of a conspiracy.
– Thankfully, The Miz interrupted the comedy as it was going downhill. Miz said if it wasn’t for Alex Riley, he would still be the WWE Champion and he’s still the most must-see champion in history. Miz asked for another title shot, but was interrupted by Riley. Riley threatened a third week of beatdowns. Then, John Cena interrupted. Long, familiar story short, the Raw GM sent an e-mail, but Vince refused to let Cole read it and instead made a tag match between Cena, Riley, Miz and Truth with Austin as the guest referee.
– Santino Marella d. Michael McGillicutty in 4:32. Santino out-foxed McGillicutty for much of the match, with his ‘unique’ style. McGillicutty got a brief advantage. But not much of one. Kozlov ended up taking Otunga out on the floor. After countering the dreaded swinging neckbreaker, Santino hit the equally dreaded Cobra.
– Kelly Kelly and Beth Phoenix d. The Bella Twins (Beth pinned Brie) in 2:28. This was Beth’s first proper match on Raw since the draft. The Bellas worked over Kelly. Beth got the tag and ran through the mean twins. As things broke down, Beth ducked a clothesline and put Brie away with the Glam Slam. This wasn’t bad at all.
– Backstage, Booker T tried to teach Trish the Spinaroonie, or “Trisharoonie” to be more accurate. Jack Swagger walked in and put an end to the frivolity. Swagger claimed if he was a trainer on Tough Enough, all the contestants would be winners. He challenged Booker to a match. Booker accepted.
– CM Punk and Mason Ryan came out, for Punk’s rematch. He claimed he’d beaten Rey “well over 600” times and Rey had “never beaten him”. Not sure that’s entirely true. Punk promised to prove the power of the New Nexus by dismantling Mysterio.
– Rey Mysterio d. CM Punk in 8:45. Rematch from last week. As usual, these two work tremendously well together. If we must get rematches, at least if they’re between two guys who have always great matches then they’re worth watching. Punk went for the roundhouse kick he won with last week in the first 10 seconds, but Rey avoided it. Rey got caught up in a tree of woe and Punk took advantage. Including sending Rey under the turnbuckles and into the post spine first. Finish saw Mason get on the apron to prevent a 619. But Rey ducked the kick and give Punk a tornado DDT, kicking Mason off the apron in the process. A flying splash finished Punk off. Really enjoyable TV match. Probably a step above the previous week.
– Another Obama Capitol Punishment advert aired, but this time, it was with R-Truth ‘talking to’ Obama. It was wacky.
– Cena and Riley spoke backstage and Cena promised to fight with him, but didn’t trust him.
– Alberto drove into the arena and cut a promo, accusing people of slandering him. He claimed what happened to Big Show was an accident. He then gleefully showed a replay. Alberto called out Big Show, promising to apologise. Instead, he got Ricardo Rodriguez dressed as Big Show. Ricardo had a hot dog, crutches and a giant oversized hand. He used said hand to do the Big Show chokeslam pose. Repeatedly. And it wasn’t funny. Then, to make matters worse, Cole started snorting. Not a snort like earlier. Long, repeated snorts. Absolutely intolerable. Anyway, Ricardo promised to hurt Big Show if he made an enemy of him and this was horrible.
– Kofi Kingston d. Zack Ryder in 2:38. Dolph and Vickie joined in on commentary and were entertaining. Dolph plugged his Twitter repeatedly. He also put Zack and his show over repeatedly, which was nice. Kofi took a nasty looking facewash kick. He came back to win with Trouble In Paradise.
– Booker T d. Jack Swagger by count out in 3:14. They said this was Booker’s first Raw match in four years. It seems a lot longer, doesn’t it? Basic match. Swagger walked out on it and took the loss. As he backed away, Evan Bourne ran out and baited Swagger back inside. Booker hit the Scissors Kick, followed by Air Bourne. Booker and Bourne then celebrated with stereo spinaroonies.
– John Cena and Alex Riley d. R-Truth and The Miz (Cena pinned Miz) in 7:58, with Stone Cold Steve Austin as referee. Miz ran from Riley early on. Truth then ran from Cena. Meanwhile, Cena and Riley seemed reluctant, but did work together. Austin physically restrained Miz at one point and they went face to face briefly. Cena made a big comeback on Miz. Credit where it’s due, the crowd died after the Alberto segment but were way into this. Truth broke up an Attitude Adjustment but got sent outside. Cena put the STF on Miz, who reached the ropes. Truth came in and missed with a chairshot. Riley then came in with Cena and Miz down, teased hitting Cena with the briefcase, but hit Miz instead. Austin then followed up with a Stunner, into the Attitude Adjustment for the win.
– However, the Raw GM e-mailed to reverse the decision, since Austin interfered in the finish. The GM then said Austin would be the special guest general manager next week. Not sure why. Austin took out the laptop and dragged Cole inside for a beer bath. Cole then suffered the Stunner and the Attitude Adjustment, as Austin and Cena celebrated to end the show.
NXT
– JTG has his own talk show now, called “Straight Out Of Brooklyn”. The set is spray painted trash cans. High budget stuff. JTG’s guest was Yoshi Tatsu. Regal claimed he’d rather rip his eyelids off and dip his head in hot soapy water than listen to JTG. JTG blamed Yoshi for Byron being eliminated. He also claimed if he was Byron’s pro, Byron would have won. JTG refused to let Yoshi answer any questions. He mocked Yoshi for being dumped by Maryse. Yoshi grabbed the mic and made a “yo momma” joke. So, JTG jumped him and ran off. At this point Striker came out and made a match between the two. Since when does Striker have that power?
– Yoshi Tatsu d. JTG in 5:28. Regal seemed a bit more impressed by JTG’s new attitude. A bit. Just as the match seemed to be heading for the finish, JTG put Yoshi down and put on a body scissors, which seemed strange. Not sure what that was about. Yoshi, eventually, won with the roundhouse kick
– Backstage, Conor was psyching up Hornswoggle, trying to get him to break a board over his head. This did not work. Titus and Kozlov came in. Titus used Hornswoggle as a battering ram to break the board. Wacky.
– Darren Young and Chavo Guerrero d. Conor O’Brien and Vladimir Kozlov (Young pinned Conor) in 10:07. Chavo and Young cut Conor off and worked well together to keep him isolated. Kozlov made the big crazy Kozlov comeback. And nearly managed to take a cameraman out in his crazy wrath. But a distraction from Chavo caused Young to cut him off with a chopblock and they worked Kozlov over. Tag was eventually made back to Conor. Conor’s comeback looked pretty good. Young was able to put him away with the Roderick Strong double knee gutbuster however.
– Titus O’Neill d. Lucky Cannon in 5:19. Maryse had a new purse with her. I don’t buy that Lucky has $3000 to throw around on purses, but maybe he does. Anyway, the purse didn’t last long. Hornswoggle offered Maryse a candy necklace, but Maryse wasn’t impressed. They got into a tug of war over the bag and tore it in half. For some reason, Maryse got mad at Lucky for this and hit him with the bag. The distraction allowed Titus to pick up the win.
SUPERSTARS
– Chris Masters d. JTG by submission in 4:38. JTG’s heel persona finally carried over from NXT to Superstars here. Basic stuff. Masters countered the Mugshot and put a crotched JTG in the Masterlock.
– Maryse and Melina d. Eve Torres and Gail Kim (Melina pinned Gail) in 3:47. Things were a little awkward early on with Eve and Maryse. Things picked up a little once Gail came in off the tag. Finish saw Melina counter Eat Defeat and hit Gail with the Sunset Split, which the vertical legdrop splits type deal.
– Mark Henry came out for his match. They announced Johnny Curtis as his opponent. But, for some reason, Curtis didn’t come out. Instead Matt Striker got in the ring from the announce table. Striker asked Henry why he thought opponents were afraid to face him. Henry cut a promo saying no-one in the street would dare look at him cross-eyed. And if anyone did come out, just like his music says, “somebody’s going to get their ass kicked”. For you That’s Not PG! police people out there, they didn’t bleep this.
– Before the main event, Vickie Guerrero interrupted the announcers. She put over her accomplishments and her list of “cute lovers”. She claimed she was the perfect person to manage a young star in the WWE and brought out Tyson Kidd.
– Tyson Kidd (with Vickie Guerrero) d. Yoshi Tatsu in 10:40. Striker claimed he was still Tyson’s agent, but he told Tyson to try out all managers and he was responsible for Vickie being there. He also claimed Yoshi learns English from watching Jersey Shore. Key word both times there may be ‘claim’. Or, ‘Striker’. Tyson used a dragon screw in the ropes to injure Yoshi’s knee. He worked on the knee, but Yoshi hung in and fought back. Yoshi went to the top, but missed the flying spinkick. That left Yoshi prone for an inverted figure four, but he made the ropes. Yoshi then escaped a fisherman’s suplex and hit the roundhouse kick to win. Decent match but not their best.
SMACKDOWN
– Christian entered, to a bit of a mixed reaction. They might have to slow his music down a bit if he’s a heel. Christian said he was curious what reaction he’d get. The people who cheered him “got it”, where-as the people who booed didn’t. Christian said he was through with all his peeps and that he never wanted to talk to any of them again. He brought Michael Cole into the ring. I guess they’re buds now. Christian said he wanted another World Title match. He didn’t understand why all the people who cheered for him and went on Twitter complaining about his title loss are mad about what he did to Orton. Wrestling fans, fickle? Perish the thought. So after bitching to Cole, Christian claimed he’d been disrespected by Orton. He asked Cole to ask the fans, since he wasn’t talking to them, if Christian deserved to be champion. Everybody booed. Christian called them clueless and said he’d be champion again and wouldn’t share it with the fans.
– Ezekial Jackson and The Usos d. The Corre (Zeke submitted Gabriel) in 6:34. I. Hate. Cole. Zeke got the hot tag and Barrett, wanting no part of Jackson, walked out on his team. Left three on two, Gabriel and Slater were quickly put away, Jackson submitting Gabriel with the torture rack.
– Teddy Long was on the phone backstage, placing a racing bet. Sheamus walked in and Teddy pretended he was talking to someone else. Bit strange. Sheamus wanted a match with Christian, but Teddy said no. Instead, he gave Sheamus a rematch with Orton, no disqualifications. Which seemed to placate Sheamus.
– The Corre were fighting backstage. Barrett tried to explain himself, but Slater and Gabriel told him The Corre were done.
– Jinder Mahal d. Trent Baretta in 1:31. Trent took a huge backbreaker in the early moments. It was Shawn Michaels/Warlord esque. Khali distracted Trent on the ropes and Jinder pulled him down, then hit the full nelson slam. Still no idea if he’s any good. I guess, in a way, that’s how things should be done, hide the weaknesses while he’s establishing himself. Khali put Trent in the vice grip post-match.
– Jack Korpela interviewed AJ. She made Korpela look tall, which isn’t easy. AJ was excited, but didn’t get to speak as Tamina and Rosa came up. Tamina gave her a welcome present, which was a block of cheese. They called her a mouse. AJ: “Laycool called, they want their gimmick back”. Natalya walked up to protect AJ and Rosa made a cut the cheese joke.
– AJ d. Tamina in 2:03. AJ’s music is something else. I don’t watch Nickelodeon, but I imagine shows aimed at 12 year old girls have exactly this song as their theme. It’s awesome. Tamina overpowered AJ, but plucky AJ fought back. As Tamina caught her for a samoan drop, she got distracted with Natayla, allowing AJ to escape and surprise her with a rollup. Which meant we got to hear her music again! Yay AJ!
– An angry Orton came out. Well, he was angry, but the crowd were cheering and he couldn’t help but smile a little. Orton managed to quell his smilin’ ways and called out Christian. Christian appeared on the screen and mockingly asked if the fans wanted to see him come out. He challenged Orton to one more match and said the only reason he didn’t count last week was because he wanted to beat Orton for the title, not Sheamus. Orton continued to call Christian out, but Christian said he was doing things on his terms now. Orton finally agreed to the match at Capitol Punishment and Christian drove out of the arena.
– Ted and Cody were in the locker room. They made a Congressman Weiner joke. Ted and Cody bickered a little. Cody brought in one of his bagmen, told him to put on a paper bag and made him leave. Cody told Ted he’d lost everything and now he was free to do anything. He said he may be nuts, or he may be a genius.
– Sin Cara d. Ted Dibiase by DQ in 1.53. Cody came out with Ted and had his guys hand out paper bags. Cody then got involved, grabbing Cara off the apron as he went for a springboard, causing the DQ. Cody and Ted attacked, but Daniel Bryan made the save. Leading to Teddy making a tag match between the four.
– Sin Cara and Daniel Bryan d. Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase (Bryan submitted Dibiase) in 6:25. Cody posted Cara and the former Legacy took control. Cara got the tag and Bryan took the fight to Dibiase, with Cody staying out of dodge. Cara took him out with a dive. In the ring, Dibiase caught Bryan coming off the top, but Bryan turned it into a guillotine, then turned that into the Labell Lock for the submission.
– Another Johnny Curtis skit. This week, Curtis ‘had a chip on his shoulder’. By which I mean, he had a potato chip on his shoulder and ate it. Ha ha! Again, Carrot Top level stuff.
– Striker asked Orton if he’ll be able to focus on Sheamus tonight. Orton said it was Sheamus’s kind of match, but he said in his current state of mind, the match would be ‘therapy’ for him.
– No Disqualification Match: Sheamus d. Randy Orton in 17:31. Pretty much exclusively a brawl. Match spilled out of the ring a couple of times. Orton tried to stomp Sheamus’s head on the steps, but got sent down headfirst instead. Orton was sent into the steps a second time late on, then used the top set to hit Orton in the back. He slid the bottom of the steps in the ring. Which came back to bite him as Orton hit the powerslam on them, which looked no fun at all. Sheamus brought a cane in and went to work, then went for the Brogue Kick. But Orton ducked and Sheamus got his foot caught in the ropes, leaving him open for a good caning. That also looked no fun. The hanging DDT set up the RKO. But, Christian ran in and the distraction lead to a nearfall for Sheamus. Orton countered the High Cross and hit the RKO, but Christian came back in with a beltshot from behind. Sheamus recovered to drape an arm over Orton. A strong WWE brawl style main event. Christian posed with the belt afterwards.
TOP 5: Things Michael Cole Needs To Stop Doing
5. Burying people
4. Putting over people he was burying weeks/day/seconds earlier
3. Undermining anything Booker says
2. Commentating on Smackdown altogether
1. SNORTING