This Week In WWE – August 1-7, 2011

This week: The show with two champions and the man who managed to take 2 hours to decide “hey, maybe these two guys should just fight to decide who’s the real champion? That’d work, right?”. Plus, dead-on John Laurinaitis impressions, cute little bimbos on the endangered list, a couple of women on the endeavoured list and doing a poor job of hiding it and Matt Striker super babyface returns to the ring.

RAW

– Punk opened the show, with his WWE Title. He got a mixed reaction. Punk said The Champ Is Here and took a seat. He explained that he’d been struggling with his decision for a year and he loved where he worked, he just hated the people in charge. So, he tried to cause some change by speaking his mind. Vince was relieved of his duties the day after Money In The Bank and that was change. Punk gave the audience some credit for that and said he was here to make things fun again. He said people got scared when he had a microphone and he’d have it no other way. But, he realised his voice needed to be heard and he couldn’t make any change to the business sitting on the couch, so he made the phone call to come back. He said John Cena as champion was soul crushing status quo, so he came back at just the right time. He pointed out a guy in the crowd and said he was as much as champion as Cena, because he had a belt, but Punk had a championship title. Punk said he was holding the most important title in the world. And he was the one and only champion.

– HHH interrupted. People love him, say what you want. HHH explained why he re-signed Punk, basically because it was good for business. He said he put his personal feelings aside to do what was right for the fans. But Punk took exception to the ‘personal feelings’ bit. HHH called him a smug, overrated, attention seeking guy. “Not that that’s a bad thing”. Punk admitted he was smug, overrated wasn’t for him to say. Punk brought up all the main event talent Vince had let slip because of yes men, name dropping Batista, Foley, Jericho and Lesnar. And he told HHH he couldn’t afford to let him go. HHH told Punk to tell the truth about why he really signed. Not for change, but because he wanted to hear his own voice, asking if a pipe bomb goes off and no-one is around to hear it, does it make a noise? That’s deep, man. HHH said without the WWE, Punk meant nothing. Punk said that was a maybe. HHH told Punk he’d sort out the title situation later.

– HHH tried to leave, but Punk called him back. He said the pipe bomb was about to go off and he wanted HHH to be around to hear it. Punk said he wasn’t going to change now he’d signed his contract, he’d do things his way. Punk bowed to “Hunter Hearst Helmsley”‘s ego and brought up him hogging the spotlight. He talked about HHH telling people what to do and asked how many times he’d said “I don’t think he has what it takes” to “his wife”, in bed. Punk called HHH a bully and warned him be careful who you push, because he liked to push back. HHH admitted he had a massive ego and it was telling him to slap Punk’s tattoos off. But, he wasn’t going to, he’s the COO for the fans which comes with rules and responsibilities. HHH said he wouldn’t break the rules, for the people and warned Punk not to break them either. Punk goaded HHH before leaving, but HHH was able to brush it off.

– Beth Phoenix won a 13 Diva Battle Royal, last eliminating The Bellas, to become the #1 Contender to the Diva’s Title at Summerslam.

Participants: Natalya, Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, Kaitlyn, Alicia Fox, Tamina, AJ, The Bella Twins, Eve, Rosa Mendes, Maryse and Melina

Kelly Kelly was on commentary. Melina lasted literally four seconds. Beth pushed her out while she was tying her laces. Trouble. Gail lasted about twelve seconds. She just randomly rolled out of the ring of her own accord and left. Trouble. Cole brought up the Bellas Photoshop accusations. Kelly said it takes at least an hour to Photoshop. I must be doing my tumblr stuff wrong. Kelly didn’t take any of Cole’s shit though and for that she earns great credit. If only everyone else followed suit. It came down to Eve, Beth and The Bellas. Eve got eliminated, but Beth picked both Bellas up on her shoulders and threw them both out. Cool ending.

– Kelly got in the ring and hugged Beth afterwards. But Beth responded by throwing Kelly outside and into the barricade. Beth got the microphone and vowed the days of the cute blonde little bimbo were over.

– Miz was backstage when Truth and ‘friends’ walked in. Truth said they were pretty much the same. Miz didn’t agree. Truth tried to convince him that HHH being in charge was a conspiracy, but Miz didn’t want to deal with Truth. He caught himself talking to himself. Truth asked why they were in a tournament for the title if HHH was going to bring Punk back all along and told him to be careful, or he’d GET GOT.

– Josh interviewed Cena about what Punk said earlier. Cena admired Punk speaking his mind, but said you live by the sword, you die by the sword. He said he’d be out to see what HHH had to say later.

– The Miz and R-Truth d. Rey Mysterio and John Morrison (Truth pinned Morrison) in 8:14. Morrison tried to go after Truth but it lead to Miz cutting him off with a clothesline. Rey and Morrison took Miz and Truth out with dives going into the break, but Team Conspiracy got the upper hand on Rey during it. Cole started to get on JR here a bit, but it wasn’t as much of a turn off as I was dreading. Rey caught Miz coming off the top with a dropkick and got the tag to Morrison. Morrison missed Starship Pain, thanks to Miz pulling Truth to safety. Miz then cut off a 619 and took out Rey. Morrison took out Miz in turn. But the distraction allowed Truth to hit the jumping flatliner for the win. This got good. Crowd were very into it, too. After the match, Miz gave Morrison the Skull Crushing Finale and Truth hit him with the water bottle.

– Josh was in HHH’s office. HHH started the interview by asking Josh if he’d shaved. HHH said people had been talking about his wife for 10 years and that didn’t bother him. Josh asked about Cena and HHH said he was fine with Cena coming out to see his decision, but warned him to keep it strictly business.

– Dolph and Vickie came out. Lawler admitted Vickie looks better. Progress! Vickie wanted to talk about Dolph, saying he was more superior than both Cena and Punk. Dolph said he dared the rest of the roster to “follow that” last week and that nobody had his skills and his talents. Alex Riley interrupted and asked why Dolph was always hiding behind a woman. Vickie took credit for all of Dolph’s success. Riley admitted Dolph had a hell of a career, and asked when the last time he achieved something on his own was. He compared Dolph hiding behind Vickie to Miz hiding behind him and challenged him to drop Vickie. Dolph took his jacket off, but left rather than fight.

– David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty d. Santino Marella and Zack Ryder (Otunga pinned Ryder) in 2:25. David and Michael, as the sides of the big screen called them, have dropped all Nexus affiliation and are now just two guys. Fans chanted “We Want Ryder”. They got him and he promptly lost to something resembling a Demolition Decapitation, but was more like a paper cut to the neck than being decapitated. The hot streak is over for Zack.

– Busy night for Josh, who was with Punk. Punk said tonight was just a test and Hunter passed with flying colours. He hoped he’d do the right thing and pointed out, quite rightly, he won at Capitol Punishment.

– Alberto Del Rio d. Evan Bourne by submission in 3:42. Fine while it lasted. Cole actually called Del Rio a “mixed martial artist”. Del Rio worked the arm. Bourne got a mini comeback but Del Rio took him off the top with an enziguri and slapped on the armbar. Del Rio put the hold back on once he’d got the win, but Kofi Kingston made the save and ran Del Rio off.

– They did a poll on the website for who the rightful WWE Champion was and it was pretty split, Cena 54%, Punk 46%.

– HHH came out for the main event announcement. Before he could make it though, John Laurinaitis, who’s name isn’t easy to spell by the way, walked out. Laurinaitis introduced himself as the head of talent relations and HHH asked when this became career day. Lauri… John put over how long he’d been in the corporate structure and said he knew how Vince thinks. He suggested HHH strip Cena of the title. So, out came Cena. Cena called Laurinaitis a yes man and mocked him. He did a pretty good impression of him, to be fair. Cena suggested the reason Laurinaitis wanted him stripped of the title was because Cena laid him out at Money In The Bank. Cena made a joke about Laurinaitis carrying a skateboard. Because, he used to be in the Dynamic Dudes, see. If you didn’t get it, don’t worry. It’s not nearly as important as some people seemed to think it was. Just a quip. Laurinaitis pointed out that Punk beat Cena. Cena threatened to punch Laurinaitis again and HHH said he didn’t have a problem with that, so Laurinaitis bailed.

– Cena asked HHH if he was going to strip him of the title because CM Punk beat him “one time”. Which was pretty stupid as far as arguments go, let’s be honest. HHH said he wasn’t going to strip him of the title. He explained what happened with Punk, which brought Punk out. Punk asked if HHH was going to strip him of his title and go back to status quo and “put smiles on people’s faces”. Cena jumped in, but HHH told them to stop whining. And told Cena not to call him Hunter. HHH announced Cena versus Punk at Summerslam for the undisputed WWE Championship. The show ended with Punk and Cena each holding up their individual belts, with the theme music cutting back and forth between them, which was a little jarring. Maybe someone had watched Royal Rumble 1994 the day before.

NXT

– Striker brought Titus O’Neil out. Striker asked him about Bateman and Young apparently teaming up against him. Titus said he thought it was cute and he understood, since he’d dominated the entire season so far. He said teaming up was their only chance and he was only worried about himself. Bateman and Young interrupted. Bateman pointed out he beat Titus last week. But Titus said he couldn’t do it on his own. Young argued that he’d dominated the season and Titus only had more points because he pandered to the fans. Striker argued Titus’s case, but Young said he didn’t need the fans, he’d win by himself. Bateman said Titus had reached the top of his “suck ceiling”. All this lead to a tag match being made. Bateman and Young versus Titus and Matt Striker.

– Vladimir Kozlov d. JTG in 6:32. Regal referred to JTG as “James T. Gimmick”. Kozlov came out dressed as Slam Master J, mocking JTG. They did the Two Doinks spot and JTG jumped Kozlov. Kozlov ended up winning with a chokeslam. Not much to this. Kozlov then grabbed Grisham’s phone and planked on top of JTG. A great gimmick cut short in it’s prime.

– Tyson Kidd reminded us all of what happened last week, when he took out Yoshi’s leg. His real leg. Tyson said now, there’d be no more stupid Yoshi Tatsu music, no more stupid Yoshi Tatsu action figures and no more Yoshi Tatsu. Tyson put over his legacy and said in his WWE, there was no room for Yoshi Tatsu.

– Derrick Bateman and Darren Young d. Titus O’Neil and Matt Striker (Titus pinned Young) in 10:01. Hornswoggle was with AJ and they joined in on commentary. They actually dusted off Matt Striker’s theme music from the catacombs. Hornswoggle did a Bill Cosby impression. Only on NXT! Regal said Derrick Bateman’s mother was in the audience and he had her phone number for later. Striker busted out a dropkick. Hornswoggle made some sounds. This was all quite bizarre. Young and Bateman isolated Striker, who was pretty good as a face in peril. Titus ran wild and Young tried to sneakily pin him with his feet on the ropes. But Striker knocked the feet away and Young got distracted, allowing Titus to hit the sky high. This was far better than you’d expect.

SUPERSTARS

– Alicia Fox d. Kaitlyn in 5:20. Kaitlyn’s improving and it’s been a pretty steep, fast learning curve to be fair. They had a basic match and Alicia won with the axe kick. This was largely fine.

– Brodus Clay d. Pat Silva in 1:57. I’m a big fan of big Brodus. Simple squash. Brodus dominated from start to finish and won with, of all things, a crossbody block.

– Vladimir Kozlov d. Primo in 3:43. The feud taking NXT by storm came to Superstars, as JTG came out to do commentary. Kozlov overpowered Primo, until Primo clipped his knee. Primo posted himself and Kozlov fought back, eventually putting Primo away after catching him in mid air with a headbutt to the chest. And, I guess that counts as the blow-off with Vladimir gone.

– Jack Swagger d. Chris Masters by submission in 10:44. Speaking of guys who are gone, a farewell match for Chris Masters, who deserves to go on to bigger and better things. Or, at least, more appreciated things. Stanford teased that Masters was dating an A-list celebrity and vowed to get to the bottom of who it is. Now, we may never know! Swagger tried to stick to wrestling early and bailed out when Masters started to get some high impact offence going. Swagger then targeted Masters’ ribs to take over. Masters almost got the Masterlock in on a couple of occasions, but Swagger escaped, the second time turning it right into an anklelock to force the tapout.

SMACKDOWN

– Sheamus d. Great Khali in 5:12. They announced Sheamus versus Henry for Summerslam. Very excited for that. They said this was a test for Sheamus ahead of that. Khali had Jinder Mahal at ringside. Sheamus was knocked from the top rope outside by a chop from Khali. Crowd were behind Sheamus. Khali cut off the Brogue Kick with a Khali chop, but Sheamus kicked out. Sheamus then broke out of the head vice and hit a kneeling Khali with a Brogue Kick. As 5 minute Great Khali matches go, this was good stuff. Strong win for Sheamus.

– Natalya d. AJ in 1:57. AJ’s theme music was back this week! Yay! This started out all smiles and sunshine, mentor versus teacher, exchanging holds. And it was pretty good. Natalya managed to put on the Sharpshooter and AJ tapped quickly.

– After the match, Natalya looked like she was going to help AJ up. Then, all of a sudden, she turned. Natalya took AJ out with a suplex on the floor. Natalya then took a microphone and said she agreed with what Beth Phoenix said on Monday, the days of cute little princesses were over. This could be good.

– Striker interviewed Randy Orton. Orton admitted he had anger management issues, but Summerslam was No Holds Barred and Christian would be able to help him “work through” those issues. He claimed Christian was the only person who’d ever won the World Title by disqualification. But at Summerslam, he had to win by pinfall or submission.

– They showed another cool Justin Gabriel in South Africa video.

– Daniel Bryan d. Tyson Kidd by submission in 8:01. Wade Barrett did commentary. Bryan has new theme music, which is pretty good. I think. The bits where Cole wasn’t talking over sounded good. Much like the match. These two had a great match which is probably even better if you watch it on mute. So please do. Bryan took Tyson out with the dive but hurt his knee in the process, allowing Tyson to go to work on it. Tyson used the figure four around the ring post. Bryan came back with an awesome missile dropkick. Tyson got Bryan in a half crab, but Bryan made the ropes. After a series of counters and some hard forearms, Bryan caught Kidd with a roundhouse kick, setting up the guillotine choke.

– Zack Ryder came out for his State Of The Showski Address. He called the show Zackdown. How has nobody thought of that in the week since he got made assistant (if you did think of that, I apologise). He said ratings went through the roof because of him. Ezekial Jackson cut Zack off before he could get to his address though. Zeke said he wasn’t mad about being put in a handicap match last week, but wanted to know why. Out came Cody with Ted. Cody said he was making the Intercontinental Title look bad and promised to beat him and resurrect the title’s image, just like he did for Ted’s career. And you thought the belt was in bad shape before? Zeke told Ted he was being used, just like he was in The Corre and said there was nothing better than freedom. Teddy Long interrupted all this and made Zeke versus Ryder. He also threw Cody and Ted out.

– Ezekial Jackson d. Zack Ryder by submission in 2:27. Zeke won quick with the Torture Rack. Cole was terrible as always. Next.

– Teddy was happy with this backstage. Stupid sexy music played and Aksana of NXT season 3 ‘fame’ walked in, with black hair. She had a business proposition for Teddy. She flirted with him. The stupid music continued to play.

– Mark Henry d. Vladimir Kozlov in 1:15. Another squash. Henry finished Kozlov off, literally I suppose, with the World’s Strongest Slam. Henry then grabbed a chair and gave Kozlov the ankle breaking vader bomb. Sheamus ran Henry off with a chair, but it was too late for poor Vlad.

– Grisham caught up with Sheamus backstage. Sheamus said Henry took pleasure in ending people’s livelihood, but it wasn’t going to happen to him at Summerslam. He said he had the luck of the Irish and was born with a 24 carat horseshoe up his arse. He threatened to throw Henry into the Pacific Ocean after beating him.

– David Otunga, Michael McGillicutty and JTG d. The Usos and Trent Barreta (Otunga pinned Barreta) in 3:50. David and Michael isolated one of the Usos. Trent got the tag and ran wild. The match broke down outside, leaving Trent with McGillicutty. McGillicutty avoided a whisper in the wind and the Tag Team Champions won with their Demolition style finisher.

– Johnny Curtis was backstage, still. He said the time for playing was over and the writing was on the wall. The camera panned to a chalkboard with the words “Johnny Curtis Debuts Next Week on Smackdown”. As they showed this, they played crickets chirping. I wish I was making that up. They announced his debut with crickets chirping. Doomed.

– Striker interviewed Christian about HHH making the rematch with Orton. Christian said he was disappointed, but not surprised that HHH was in Orton’s back pocket like everyone else. R-Truth walked up and asked if Christian thought it was a conspiracy. Truth promised Orton was going to, yes, GET GOT tonight.

– Christian and R-Truth d. Randy Orton and John Morrison (Christian pinned Orton) in 11:32. Orton looked strong against Truth early. He then tagged Morrison and Truth literally ran away and made the tag. Christian hung Morrison’s injured neck over the top rope to gain an advantage for his team. Orton ended up chasing Christian around ringside and Christian ran into the crowd to get away. Once order was restored, Truth and Christian went back to Morrison’s neck. Morrison eventually hit a standing spanish fly and got the tag to Orton. Orton made his big comeback. Fans were really into this. Orton and Christian went back and forth, which is always good. Orton set up for the punt, but Truth got in the path to divert Orton’s attention. In the end, Orton set up for the RKO on Christian. Truth ran in again, right into an RKO, but that allowed Christian to hit the Killswitch and pin Orton. Christian celebrated like he’d won the World Title (well, again) afterwards.

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‘TOP’ 5 (not sure if Top’s the appropriate word): WWE RELEASES THIS WEEK

5. Chris Masters

4. Vladimir Kozlov

3. DH Smith

2. Gail Kim

1. Melina