JCW Legends and Icons iPPV Review

-I figured that since I spent so much time discussing this show on a recent podcast that it at least deservnved a review. This was a show that’s been referred to as the sequel to one of the worst PPVs of all time, Heroes of Wrestling. I’m convinced that’s impossible based on Jake Roberts promo alone. And while many of these wrestlers would show up for the opening of an envelope, I’ve heard nothing but positive things about the way these clowns (meaning that in the literal sense) treat and pay the performers.

-Taped from Cave-in-Rock, Illinois

-Your hosts are Kevin Gill and Mick Foley

-The steel cage is up. Kevin Gill, dressed like he’s desperately trying to be cool in front of the Juggalos, introduces Mick Foley. Many of the fans just seem to be booing everything.  The video and audio quality is better than any other iPPV I’ve ever seen from either Dragon Gate USA and Ring of Honor. Not sure what this says about those two companies.

-Tito Santana cuts a better promo than 85% of the guys on Raw and Smackdown. Bill Apter’s tie is way too big on him.

-Steel Cage Match: Tito Santana vs. Greg Valentine

Match in Five Words or Less: The Referee Is Incompetent

Match Summary/Analysis: If you’re expecting a classic cage match like they had in 1985, then you’re just fooling yourselves. But this match is immediately better than almost anything on Heroes of Wrestling. And if nothing else, having a guy like Mick Foley on commentary makes this tolerable. Santana kicks Valentine away on a figure four leglock attempt. Series of strikes sends Valentine down. Small package by Valentine gets two. Valentine brings Santana down, puts his feet on the ropes, and gets three. Well that was out of nowhere, and the referee is a complete nincompoop for not seeing the feet on the ropes. For the first of many times I’m going to say…At least it was short.

Winner (s)/Time/Rating: Greg Valentine/3:45/1/2*

-Valentine tosses Santana a trophy, which of course is destroyed as a call back to what happened back when Valentine destroyed the I-C title in Baltimore.

-Kevin Rock and Mick Foley kill time as the cage comes down. They show shots of the crowd… I can’t believe I live in the same state as these people. At least they’re seven hours away. Foley makes fun of the ring crew. High comedy.  He manages to get a plug in for his TNA book that no one bought. Apparently, it was a 13 hour drive for Mr. Foley. That’s pretty ridiculous. They run down the card  as the cage comes down.

-Headbanger interview. Mosh and Thrasher make fun of Bill Apter’s shoes and play with his hair. It’s that kind of show.

Jim Duggan vs. Mosh

Match in Five Words or Less: Random

Match Summary/Analysis:  Mosh and Duggan start. At least it’s not Matt Bourne in the ring. Duggan might ask him if he wants to shoot.  They barely even lock up in the first minute when Ronnie Garvin comes out in street clothes. He literally looks like he came right off a plane into the ring and looks younger than when I last saw him in a match about 20 years old. Duggan and Garvin’s lock-up was also better than anything I’ve seen on Raw in years.  Thrasher comes in to help his partner Mosh. They pair off with Garvin and Duggan. Carlito comes down drinking a beer. He hands off to the DJ before coming in the ring. He looks like he doesn’t give a crap about this match and doesn’t go into the ring for a minute.  Garvin is the first man eliminated. Jimmy Snuka, who looks 500 years old, is up next. Foley of course talks about Snuka’s dive on Don Muraco. Action stops as everyone applauds Snuka. Duggan takes advantage by eliminating Mosh. Thrasher is too lazy to help. Judging by the shirt hiding his gut, it’s easy to see why. Tony Atlas comes out in a very tight ANFERNEE HARDAWAY JERSEY! I’d say it’s 1995, but Atlas hasn’t been relevant since about 1985. Big Daddy V is up next and looks like he hasn’t aged since 1994. He might even be smaller than before. Probably best for his health as the crowd. Duggan battles V. Not much else going on. V quickly eliminates him. Carlito tries to eliminate the big man but fails. Thrasher taken out next. Rob Conway, looking very jacked, is out next. Atlas poses in front of Conway as I guess he got eliminated. Conway picks the pace up significantly with Carlito. Foley randomly invites Atlas for commentary.  He doesn’t add much except to say he’ll be back to collect a paycheck next year (not in those words). Zac Gowen is immediately attacked by Conway as he comes down the aisle. Carlito hits a dive and eliminates himself. Probably to head to the back to get blasted. Doink is next. WHY COULDN’T HE SHOOT WITH DUGGAN AGAIN? Foley puts Matt Bourne and the heel Doink over strongly. Gowen takes Snuka out.  Nick Dinsmore rubs Snuka’s head and attacks Gowen. Apparently, they have a feud going in the actual JCW. Conway and V have a conversation for whatever reason. Oh my God. It’s Brutus Beefcake with blonde hair. Doink gets eliminated and then goes to the announce table to talk about the oddballs in the crowd. Threats are disseminated to referees and Big Daddy V. Disco Inferno, looking about the same as did in WCW, enters to a round of boos. Gowen eliminates Dinsmore. V splashes Inferno in the corner. Gill talks about what an idiot Dave Penzer is because he’s not doing his job. Beefcake eliminated. Rikishi is the final entant into the Royal Rumble that cannot legally be called as such. Inferno and Conway attack the big man to no avail. FATTY SHOWDOWN  as everyone else just stares at the mayhem. Superkicks to Inferno and Gowen. Stinkface on Inferno. Well-deserved if you ask me. From behind, V eliminates Rikishi. Crowd boos. V throws Conway over and Inferno ends up on the floor as well. Referees ask them to leave. V with a rydian bomb on Gowen. That’s the closest thing to a high spot you’ll see all year. Gowen low bridges V. Fail. Guy didn’t go over at all.  Camera focus on the announcers instead. Another low bridge. V still can’t go over. This will end up on a Botchamania near you.  V finally over and Gowen wins. This wasn’t nearly as good as the Legends Royal I saw on the Wrestlereunion DVD, and even that match wasn’t good. This was fairly awful. The cameras missed a ton of  eliminations. Probably would have worked better as just a straight battle royal with the guys in the ring at the same time.

Winner (s)/Time/Rating: Zack Gowen/28:50/N/R

-Foley has a new gimmick where he brings a bunch of guys over after they get eliminated for an interview. It’s actually a nice touch even with the somewhat chaotic nature. More time killing. At least Foley is an entertaining listen if nothing else, and Gill at least tries.

-Bill Apter interviews Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson. Gibson’s hairline  is not just receding. It’s just plain gone.

-The Rock ‘N’ Roll Express (Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson) vs. The Midnight Express (Dennis Condrey and Bobby Eaton

Match in Five Words or Less: Their Shortest Match Ever

Match Summary/Analysis: Condrey looks old but appears to be in decent shape. Eaton is on the fatter side but looks better than he did at ROH’s Big Bang iPPV last April. Midnight Express attack before the bell. Double dropkick on Condrey. Quick three count. Probably best since Eaton looked like he was having trouble moving.  Gill buries the Midnight Express for whatever reason. Guess they were douches to either ICP or the fans. Maybe both.

Winner (s)/Time/Rating: Rock ‘N’ Roll Express/:33/N/R

–Terry Funk interview.  Whatever you want to say about him being middle aged and crazy, he’s a fantastic promo even now. He talks crap about They Live, which Roddy Piper was a star in. Funk calls Piper a great actor but a faker in the ring.

Philly Madness Match: Raven vs. Balls Mahoney vs. Shane Douglas vs. Sabu vs. 2 Cold Scorpio vs. Al Snow  vs. Rhino

Match in Five Words or Less: Another ECW Reunion

Match Summary/Analysis: Dave Penzer announcing all these ECW guys is just plain wrong. Do we really need all these ECW guys in the same ring together again? Plus, Mick Foley calling an Al Snow match? Has to be a rib. One or two jackasses keep throwing Faygo in the ring like morons. Snow, Douglas, and Sabu do a three way headlock. Series of roll-ups go nowhere. Sabu brings a table in the ring for the hell of it. Double back elbows of the ropes. Scorpio and Sabu double team Rhino. Scorpio hits a beautiful corkscrew moonsault. Mahoney in with a series of right hands. Lariat by Rhino. Gore attempt thwarted. Michinoku driver by Mahoney. Big kick by Scorpio. 450 for two. Douglas hits the belly-to-belly suplex. DDT by Raven. Snow uses his mannequin head. Shots for everyone except Sabu. Chair to the head. Sabu sets the table up. He jumps but no one is home. Rhino hits a gore (barely even seen on camera) for the quick win. Thankfully, this was kept short considering some of the guys involved. I think it’s obvious that Rhino and Scorpio can still go while the other four can’t nearly as well. Not much of a match, but Foley on commentary is completely stealing the show. I just wish the director was competent enough to catch all the action.

Winner (s)/Time/Rating: Rhino/3:49/1/4*        

-Mick Foley shares some sort of inside joke about Vince McMahon. Weird.

Bob Backlund vs. Ken Patera

Match in Five Words or Less: HE DOESN’T AGE!

Match Summary/Analysis: You’ve got two different sides of the coin. Backlund looks the same he did in 1993 and appears to be in amazing shape. Ken Patera doesn’t look nearly as good. This is a rematch of an epic feud that took place 30 years ago. Foley does a great job explaining what happened to Patera and Mr. Saito to send them both to prison for a touch. They try, but this was pretty sad to watch, moreso because of Patera than Backlund.  Backlund out quicks Patera, which doesn’t seem too difficult to do. Backlund decided to go run around or a bit because even he has to know Patera doesn’t have anything left. They work a bearhug, but Backlund counters. Full nelson by Patera. Backlund can’t quite get the chickenwing, so he rolls Patera up for three. How many roll-up finishes can one show have? Backlund was so great in this match I’m giving a star for him. He celebrates with his plaque and puts some fans in his chickenwing.

Winner (s)/Time/Rating: Bob Backlund/6:12/*

-Backlund threatens to come back and clean up everyone’s language. Tremendously entertaining. Foley calls him “batshit crazy.” Hard to disagree. Foley seems to be having a ball.

Memphis Five Way Match: Dutch Mantel vs. Koko B. Ware vs. Brickhouse Brown vs. Doug Gilbert vs. Austin Idol

Match in Five Words or Less: Another Roll-up

Match Summary/Analysis: Too bad Jerry Lawler couldn’t be on this show since Memphis was the place that made him famous. I’m partly disappointed in the length of the matches, but it’s at least preventing the old guys from being exposed for the most part. Koko appears to be wearing his High Energy pants. Best fashion choice on the show. Everyone goes after Idol to start. Gilbert and Koko pair off. Series of right hands. Idol back in with punches of his own. Double team by Koko and Mantel. Gilbert sent into the buckle head first by Brown. Idol hooks a figure four leglock. Mantel breaks the hold and introduces a whip into the contest. Idol wins with guess what? A ROLL-UP on Mantel. If you were taking a drink every time that happened, you’d be gone and your liver would be crying.

Winner (s)/Time/Rating: Austin Idol/2:43/*

-Austin Idol shills his business endeavors and calls this a “mind-blowing” event. That is a way to describe it to be sure.

-Tracy Smothers (w/Isabella Smothers) vs. Tommy Rich

Match in Five Words or Less:

Match Summary/Analysis: Tracy Smothers really needs to either manage or wrestle with the Briscoes one time. Another 30 second special. Smothers rolls Rich up and puts his feet on the ropes while Rich was punching Isabella in the face. This would be the same finish as the first match. The exact same one. If it wasn’t for the announcing, I’d have given up on this show a long time. Ironic since the reverse is true for WWE.

Winner (s)/Time/Rating: Tracy Smothers/:33/N/R

New Age Outlaws (Jesse James and Billy Gunn) vs. Kevin Nash and X-Pac (w/Scott Hall) Special Referee: Vampiro

Match in Five Words or Less: I Did Know

Match Summary/Analysis: Outlaws do their 1998 introduction since they apparently want to be sued by WWE. Considering the themes being used, this show really is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Nash, Hall, and X-Pac represent the Juggalo World Order in another rip-off of the nWo. Hall almost looks sober but looks and sounds terrible. He probably shouldn’t be near this madness. Vampiro is the referee because… well, I don’t know why the hell he’s the official. Can’t believe I’m about to type the following. Kevin Nash was in the best match of the show. He looked more mobile than at least most of the legends. This isn’t a four star affair, but X-Pac put forth another excellent performance. He could really help WWE out in a brief run. He’s motivated. He’s got a lot of experience. And he can work. Can’t say that about most of their roster. Heat segment on X-Pac. Vampiro won’t count X-Pac’s shoulders. The heel/face dynamic in this match is completely messed up. Nash in for his two offensive moves. Superkick on Road Dog. Nash covers Billy Gunn, 1-2-3.

Winner (s)/Time/Rating: Kevin Nash and X-Pac/6:12/*1/2

-Vampiro celebrates with the JWO. This sure was something. Foley and Nash put over X-Pac. Gill says Nash has one run in him too. Impossible. Foley says he’s going to text John Laurinitis. Hmmm… X-Pac says he’s blown up and is happy to be there. If WWE can bring Nash in, they surely can bring in X-Pac.

I Quit Match: Terry Funk vs. Roddy Piper  

Match in Five Words or Less: Can Funk Quit?

Match Summary/Analysis: Funk goes crazy before the match and cuts a promo on Piper’s acting ability. Piper responds by making fun of Funk’s family. Double team by Orton and Piper leads to a “Foley” chant. Foley runs into the ring as I guess we now have a tag team match.

Winner (s)/Time/Rating: No-contest/2:46/N/R

Terry Funk and Mick Foley vs. Roddy Piper and Bob Orton

Match in Five Words or Less: A Fitting End

Match Summary/Analysis: Piper fitting ends the night with a roll-up for three on Funk. Crowd is very displeased with the finish, and it’s hard to blame them. I’m sure a fair portion of the audience paid specifically to see this match, and they didn’t get to see too much of it. I’ve tried to be extremely generous with star ratings and analysis of this show, but I can’t even be generous enough to give this higher than a DUD.

Winner (s)/Time/Rating: Roddy Piper and Bob Orton/1:31/DUD

Line of the Night: Roddy Piper before the main event, “I funked your mother.” Then he spits in Funk’s face. Hilarious.

Finish of the Night: There was a roll-up party with a lot of legends invited. No match deserves this award.

MVP: If it wasn’t for Mick Foley’s commentary, I would have ditched this review in  the second match. Bob Backlund was easily the most entertaining worker and best wrestler going of the older generation.

The Verdict: Thanks to the work of Mick Foley, Bob Backlund, and X-Pac, this show turned out to be better than Heroes of Wrestling. Also, most of the matches were kept short so the guys didn’t expose themselves too badly. I would not recommend this show based on the quality of the matches, but there was some good nostalgia and a lot of great stories told by Mick Foley. I’ve spent time on worse wrestling shows in my life, and at least a lot of respect was shown to the guys who stepped in the ring. Amazing how a guy in a juggalo shirt trying to talk like he’s from the streets can show more respect for a product than a 15 year employee with a degree in broadcasting.