You can’t be angry about it, as the constant commercial bumpers tell you WWE Raw is the longest running weekly show in cable history. It only stands to reason that some episodes are going to be amazing spectacles in the art of live entertainment, and some are going to be a long series of men standing around threatening each other while trying to remember their poorly written dialogue. Raw in its purest form blurs the lines of what we as the overly informed wrestling nerds know is a long series of build-ups to raise PPV buy-rates and what feel like real feuds, two men near nude wrasslin’ over a flamboyant gold belt, or a woman, or because someone was mean to them.
I’ve decided to help you through the pain of Vicky Guerrero at ringside, and botched Mark Henry promos, in the form of a drinking game, America’s second oldest form of self-mutilation
Now what you drink is up to you, a cheap domestic beer to get you drunk and gassy all in one sitting, scotch on the rocks, if you have Raw on in the background as you stare out of your Manhattan office window. You could take straight shots of bourbon to give you the courage to reenact the matches with an angry bear. Maybe a glass of Merlot if you happen to be watching Raw in your country club wearing a fine silken robe and having a man-servant cut your toenails. Me, I’m a Southern Comfort sort of guy; it’s the quickest way to forget who I am and gain amazing social skills all in one go.
The rules of a drinking game are criminally simple, take a drink, a sip if you’re a coward or a shot if you have no work the next day or really hate your life, whenever one of these 10 things happens.
1. Every time a superstar finishes an impassioned speech, then stands around looking at the crowd only to be shocked when someone else’s music hits, as though he didn’t know it was about to happen, take a drink.
2. Each time two young superstars have a rushed finish to their match just when it’s starting to hit its stride, take two shots, the second is for the death of getting over the old-fashioned way.
3. Whenever those on commentary suddenly
x back”>What to say to get my ex back stop what they’re saying to talk about how this
4. Every time the guest host makes you cringe with how uncomfortable they seem, take a shot
5. Whenever security is breaking up a fight but somehow they break free to land a few more shots and get a pop from the crowd, take a shot for how illogical it all seems.
6. If the great Jerry Lawler says he’s been in the business a long time but hasn’t ever seen anything as crazy as this, take a drink, but a respectful drink for all the man has done.
7. Every time the crowd doesn’t care about the Diva’s match, so every Diva’s match, take a drink
8. Whenever Michael Cole attempts be taken seriously as the heel commentator but all you can remember is when he had frosted blonde tips in the 90’s, take a big drink.
9. Each time they cut to someone walking down a hallway looking serious, take a small drink, or you’ll get alcohol poisoning.
10. When the main event inevitably ends with interference, take a final drink.
I should note that I do enjoy it all, and over the last year or so, really since last year’s Wrestlemania, Raw and Smackdown both have had way more to enjoy then to criticize, but it still remains a cookie cutter show with 5 minutes in two hours to really get you excited. Largely this is not a problem with the performers, but with the writing. Nexus for example, last year could have been truly great, and was, for about a month, the creating and eradicating of stables within a few weeks is commonplace now. CM Punk versus, well, conforming to WWE ideals still has a few cool moments but now is beginning to feel like a side story unto Triple H getting back in the ring.
With the talent now on the roster, one good writing swerve could bring wrestling back to Attitude era levels of popularity, but putting the world championship on sexual chocolate Mark Henry is not going to do it. Johnny Ace stumbling through a badly written promo looking like a sweaty sausage waiting on the breakfast table of life, is definitely not going to do it. Honky Tonk Man returning and stabbing Kelly Kelly because she once spurned his sexual advances, may not make a lot of sense, but it would sure as hell do it. The Gobbledy Gooker turning out to be the third brother of the Undertaker, now that’d bring in the viewers…
I’ve also devised a version of this for Thursday’s Impact, its real simple.
- Half an hour before Impact start binge drinking Jack Daniels while listening to Barry Manilow until you’re in a black-outrage. Seconds before the show starts, when you hear Mike Tenay and Taz attempting to sound sincere about the importance of the show to come, start screaming “YOU COULD HAVE BEEN GREAT, WE COULD HAVE DONE GREAT THINGS TOGETHER.” Cry yourself to sleep arms wrapped around your Hulk Hogan wrestling buddy.