It is the nature of all things, to give into entropy, the slow decay of matter over time. There is another law of the physical universe, one of thermodynamics which describes that once a system expels energy it cannot gain that energy back. I’d give specifics of all this science stuff, but this is a sports based column, and jocks and nerds as you know, may never coexist. As I write this intro after watching the Royal Rumbles falling between 03’-05’, I feel like this was the WWE’s attempt at fighting off its inevitable loss of energy. In doing so the creative team behind the Titantron decided to throw everything they could think of at the viewers in the hopes that something would stick. Established stars had new gimmicks, brand new stars suddenly are in the main events, and a loss of formula becomes the only formula.
2003:
This is the first year after WWE is split into Raw and Smackdown brands. Smackdown is lead by Stephanie McMahon and Eric Bischoff is head of Raw. I did my best to not read any spoilers for the show, mostly because I am still first and foremost a wrestling fan so I wanted to keep some freshness. Michael Cole in a very classy goatee turtleneck combo, and Tazz are the Smackdown announcers for a Lesnar and Big Show match where the winner qualifies for the Royal Rumble. Big Show doesn’t seem in the best shape of his career, maybe he’s recently eaten Spike Dudley, and he should start eating some big salads. Match is typical giant wrestler fare, not many submission attempts or top rope maneuvers, that being said Lesnar’s belly-to-back suplex of Show is impressive. Lesnar wins with the F-5 and he’s in the Rumble later in the night. The Dudley Boys fight for the tag titles next, or at least that’s what the Fink says, I still can’t see them because of all that damn camouflage. They’re hoping to take the titles off of William Regal and Lance Storm. Because of the wrestling altruism that all foreigners are evil, several USA chants inspire the Dudleyz to find strength several times. Although a non-Val Venis Val Venis attempts to interfere as if he’s some sort of authority figure or something, his lack of greeting to the females in the audience confuses the hell out of me. The Dudleyz win the titles in the end thanks to brass knuckles. A forgettable diva’s match follows between Dawn Marie and Torrie Wilson, nothing needs to be said, Torrie wins I guess. A young Randy Orton is backstage flirting with Eric Bischoff, until Stephanie walks up and completely ruins the mood, what a cock-block. I refuse to believe that Scott Steiner could be in the main event of anything but for the sake of completeness I’ll explain what obviously was a drug-induced hallucination anyway. Triple H is accompanied to the ring by Ric Flair while he still looked and acted relatively normal, or human at the very least. After Earl Hebner tells them to be nice, it’s on like Klingons. In reality this match isn’t that bad thanks to Triple H, Steiner at least appears to know where he is, so that’s a nice change from his TNA matches. It is very tedious in the middle, and Triple H needlessly gets color, I’m not a fan of blood for bloods sake, those are really my only complaints. Any match where Hebner becomes a part of the story can’t be too bad; he’s like an adorable grandpa selling weed to kids just to feel young again. Kurt Angle is now an egghead, not because he’s very intelligent but because he has a very bald very egg shaped head, defending his title against Christ Benoit, in a match that can’t be anything but awesome. The two men have great in-ring chemistry, an intense series of counters and suplexes are featured; the match ends surprisingly with a clean win by Angle using the ankle lock, great match deserving of the standing ovation it received. Our main event of the evening follows, with lots of Rumble first appearances by guys like Rey Mysterio, John Cena (who raps!), and Batista. This is a fun wild ride of a Rumble; the younger guys seem to be having the time of their life, meaning the pace and energy stay at a fevered pitch. Brock Lesnar wins by eliminating the Undertaker who returned the same night. All around a very good show, regardless of whether or not I could figure out what the hell was going on.
1. Somewhere around the third match, I realize I have no idea what’s going on. I can’t even tell you who are the faces and the heels at this point. What the hell is Dawn Marie doing in WWE? Why is she involved with an old man death storyline? Regardless of what the hell is actually going on a cat fight in a funeral home is always a good idea. I instantly feel more at ease with ladies hair pulling in close proximity to an open casket.
2. That’s why he’s the dirtiest player in the game. Nobody sells better then Ric Flair, he winces, cries out in pain, and flies across the ring, better than anyone else. He was never in the best shape, not the handsomest guy in the world but there is something about the Nature Boy that had made him a legend in the ring, and one of the best characters in front and behind the curtain. That certain something is probably too many shots to the head, or it could be his overflowing of love for the sport.
3. Shawn Michael’s return to action. Sure he could have used a new theme song as much as I need constant reminding that this aged and balding man is still a sexy boy, it could have been updated. Still it’s great to see the showstopper back, he can wrestle anywhere on a card and put on an exciting match. During his early days he had to put over some truly terrible wrestlers so he deserves this new run in front of a new generation of fans.
2004:
We enter the outer limits of sanity as Hardcore Holly is in a main event, there’s a cruiserweight division, and Jonathan Coachman is in a Kangol hat L.L. Cool J just gave him, I assume. He joins the Raw announcing team for the first match. Dudleyz fight for yet another tag team championship in a tables match against Evolution’s Batista and Ric Flair. Batista cuts a typical heel promo disparaging the performance of a local sports franchise, in this case the Philadelphia Eagles. This is not a great match at all, patently ridiculous just serving to put over Batista who spends more time flexing then wrestling. Josh Matthews interviews a rhyming John Cena, who infers he has a candy cane for a penis, word life or something, let’s move on. That bizarre creature known as the cruiserweight title is on the line with Rey Mysterio against Jamie Noble. Finally WWE gets up the fortitude to make fun of the blind by having Jamie Noble’s blind ring rat, or “manager” part of the story. Mysterio retains by hitting this move called the “619” which I’m pretty sure he hasn’t used since that match. Chavo vs. Eddie fight a battle of Guerrero superiority in a slow burner, Eddie wins off the frog-splash. Post match beat down by Eddie on Chavo and his papa. Chris Benoit stands near Ric Flair while he displays his slowly declining mental facilities in the form of a promo about Benoit never being able to win the big one. On the basis that Brock broke Holly’s neck, he’s given a push and a title shot against Brock Lesnar. If the match is any good it’s difficult to say mostly due to the fact that I couldn’t care less, but if Chavo and Eddie was a slow burner, this one doesn’t have any heat under it. Think of this match as having sex with me, it’s slow and plodding but it is mercifully short. The continuing feud between Shawn Michaels and Triple H has another installment this time in a last man standing match. Their Hell in a Cell from this period is one of my favorite cage matches so I was excited for this, the two are fighting because Triple H feels Michaels never appreciated him, so it’s basically Ted Dibiase and Virgil all over again, think of it as exactly that actually. It’s a long one, that’s the nature of a Last Man Standing; a long near fall takes nine seconds instead of two. No winner is declared as it’s a double ten count, but Triple H retains the title. Before we get to the Rumble, Bischoff and Heyman have a punch-cuddle until Stone Cold Steve Austin interrupts and stuns Bischoff, gives Heyman a beer and then stuns him as well; he really needs to work on his anger issues, it’s 2004 therapy no longer has a stigma, Steve. Still the match continues to be postponed this time by Brock Lesnar and Goldberg, whose face is very twitchy. After lots of talking finally the match starts with Benoit as one and Randy Orton as two. A lot more standing around in this rumble versus last year, so it’s much less interesting, but as in almost every year past there are moments of brilliance. That’s the joy of the Royal Rumble, there’s a little something for everyone. Including an Undertaker return tease, Ernest Miller getting funky, Randy Orton coming into his own as a performer and Mic Foley being crazy ole’ Mic Foley. Benoit wins the Rumble by breaking Bob Backlund’s record performance and lasting one hour one minute. Not a great show, not a terrible one, it’s basically how I felt about most of last year to be honest, 2011 for those reading this in the distant future. It should be watched just for the Rumble alone and maybe if you’re a big Degeneration-X fan, the last man standing.
1. Lesnar’s retirement at UFC 191 may have been a shocking announcement to most, but I’ve always thought that Lesnar had no passion for MMA, he was just a big man who needed money and didn’t want to work at Chuck E. Cheese. After watching him wrestle he may actually enjoy his tenure in the WWE even less. It’s just so difficult to tell when he uses so little facial muscles in any given day. The most you’ll see him is emote is a raise of an eyebrow or a subtle cringe. I make both of those faces while watching him attempt to cut promos.
2. You owe Benoit your career, overly intense indie wrestlers. Watching Benoit win this Rumble brought into crystal clear focus what I already theorized, a lot of the “shoot” style indie matches guys like the American Wolves pride themselves on, take their style in part from the Rabid Wolverine. Unfortunately and to the wrestling community’s great dismay, his rabies wasn’t properly taken care of, most likely because he heard how much rabies shots hurt, and it drove Benoit insane. Just another reason if you’re bitten by a raccoon you need to see a doctor, let this be a lesson to you ‘coon enthusiasts out there.
3. Its Goldberg this time not Gillberg, sadly. For years I wondered how Goldberg would fit into the dynamic of the WWE, he usually relied on his gimmick of being an unstoppable machine to help cover up his lack of wrestling ability in the WCW, would it work in the WWE? No not really, it’s fine, nice even, but it has no steam behind it, not surprisingly he wouldn’t be around for very long.
2005:
This is the beginning of the end stylistically, behind a massive West Side Story stage the 2005 Royal Rumble sees all of the men who would control the main event’s for the next five years in place. Edge and Shawn Michaels open the show with a bang, as for the years prior each announcing team will call their show’s matches. The match itself is good, but may not have been the best choice for an opener, although with the finisher-counters the crowd is buzzing with energy, Edge gets the win on a roll-up while holding the ropes, that cheeky bastard. Eric Bischoff now grey haired, is hanging out with Teddy Long as Eddie Guerrero and Ric Flair pick their numbers. Being a racial stereotype Eddie steals Ric’s number. Heidenreich is backstage heavily breathing, Gene Snitsky joins him, and things go from weird to homoerotic in seconds flat. Undertaker has dropped the American Bad-Ass persona and returned to his roots minus the purple gloves. Undertaker is helping Heidenreich with his fear of caskets through an immersion therapy technique. The Druids have FINALLY returned to the WWE, bringing the casket to the ring to start the 3rd casket match at a Royal Rumble. Undertaker pulls some athletic moves in a strong stipulation match. The living personification of Wolverine’s claws popping out, Snitsky becomes involved at some point but is quickly dispatched by Kane who just happens to be napping in the casket. Nothing weird about that, nope nobody should question that for a second. Undertaker wins and all is right with the world. Next, Eddie is persecuted for not having his green card by Long and Evolution. John Cena and Christian compare street credentials with a freestyle rap battle, as only the WWE can, badly. A three-way title match between Kurt Angle, JBL, and the Big Show, follows John Cena’s dope rhyme skills. Someone should really tell Alberto Del Rio that John Bradshaw Layfield is stealing his gimmick. With Bradshaw and Show in this I expected it to be much worse than it was but the pace was brisk, having the third man in the match helped I’m sure, JBL wins so that’s that. Orton has been excised from Evolution and is now competing against Triple H for the world’s title. The rest of Evolution has been banned from ringside. The two men put on a hell of a main event considering how, relatively speaking, green Orton is. He has amazing ring psychology, but I guess that’s one of the advantages of being second generation, the Cowboy would be proud. In the end it is Triple H who gets the W to what’s not a memorable match by any means but decent enough. The 2005 Rumble match started Dave Batista on his solo championship career as he wins what’s a forgettable Rumble. In the end coming up against John Cena they roll out of the ring together until Vince McMahon who gets legitimately hurt getting into the ring (he’s a 181 years old in 2005 I think) forces the match to be restarted, and as I said Batista wins. There’s some star power a few good bumps but I’m either burnt out on watching these or this just isn’t very good. It’s a very safe show, homogenized and I’m dreading that next week I have to do six more of these boring average years, ho hum I say ho hum. The highlight of a night can’t be Snitsky coming face to face with Kane that’s just not worth a 56 dollar pay-per-view buy.
1. The West Side Story promotional material. Sure it’s not the worst idea to target the crossover demographic of Broadway musical enthusiasts and wrestling marks, there has been worse. The idea to target Trekkies, who love collecting Barbie’s, and watching pro-wrestling may have been slightly dumber. Maybe going after fans of the show Dawson’s Creek, who like to wear adult diapers, and are fans of Booker T would have been more nonsensical, but then again those didn’t happen and this did.
2. Stipulation matches used to be a treat, something to build towards, but around this time they became a way to hide the fact that they were having the same matches repeatedly. Especially with people like the Undertaker and the Big Show they were in seemingly endless feuds with patently ridiculous stipulations. Casket matches, elimination chambers, and Punjabi prison matches, just a few of the endless stream meant to build excitement that just end up disappointing.
3. Scotty 2 Hotty is still somehow a part of the company, but at this point he’s become Scotty 2 Lukewarmy. He hasn’t gone beyond the dark matches in awhile but something about him must have been endearing to the booking staff because they just won’t fire this guy, Colt Cabana can’t even get on TV but Scotty 2 Hotty get’s more than ten years with the company. It’s just not right Internet, it’s just not right.