This week: After many months of questionable output and poor decisions, it’s performance evaluation time. And after much thought, I’ve awarded myself a five for tortured comedy intros, a five for consistency and perseverance (week 48 of NXT, folks), a five in finding odd things to give my seal of approval to (Eve’s theme music) and a five in ignoring segments that involve fart jokes. I’m getting real good at that. If not anything else. Plus, welcome to ROH, evil vegans, Undertaker’s wig, Teddy Long is a jerk and is John Cena embracing the hate yet?
RAW SUPERSHOW
– Raw started with John Laurinaitis coming out, glad-handing the fans. He claimed he was looking forward to his performance review, because he’d done a good job. He said he’d made mistakes, but that’s okay, as long as you don’t make the same mistake twice. Laurinaitis said his performance at the Rumble was exemplary. Laurinaitis announced the Raw Elimination Chamber participants as being Punk, Kofi, Dolph, Miz, Truth and Jericho. He made Beth versus Eve, Kofi versus Miz, Dolph versus Orton and World Champion Daniel Bryan versus WWE Champion CM Punk tonight. They covered for his stumbling over his words, claiming he was nervous.
– Punk interrupted, singing the goodbye song. He got a bunch of people to join in. Laurinaitis wanted an apology, since he didn’t screw him at the Rumble. He didn’t get one. Punk made fun of his grasp on the English language. Laurinaitis kept smiling like a nice guy. He claimed he was honest, fair and creative. Laurinaitis offered a handshake to start anew. He didn’t get one of those either. Daniel Bryan came out, in celebratory mood. Bryan said nobody cared about their petty problems, they cared about him winning his cage match against Henry and Show. He said Punk wasn’t much of a challenge, compared to that. Bryan claimed he was a role model, because he was vegan. Punk said they were friends and there was no need for trouble, let’s give everyone the best wrestling match in the world. Sheamus came out. He reminded everyone he was the Rumble winner and could choose which champion he challenged at Wrestlemania. He wished them both luck at Elimination Chamber.
– Randy Orton d. Dolph Ziggler in 7:43. Wade Barrett was watching from his own skybox. Josh interviewed Wade during the course of the match, about facing Orton on Smackdown. That was different. In the ring, things were fairly evenly matched for the majority. Orton hit a big superplex as the match picked up. After exchanging the advantage near the end and both getting near falls, Orton hit the DDT and an RKO for the win. This got really good by the end. Barrett looked on unimpressed that Orton won.
– Laurinaitis was shaking hands with everyone backstage. He ran into Regal and asked how his son was doing. Regal said, actually, he had conjoined twin daughters. Laurinaitis asked how school was. Regal said he kept them locked in the attic mostly. Laurinaitis smiled like this was all great conversation, patted Regal on the shoulder and walked off. He shook hands with Curt Hawkins as well.
– Brodus Clay d. Tyler Reks in 1:05. There was a giant disco ball hanging over the ring for Brodus’s entrance this week. This was the inevitable Funkasaurus versus T-Reks. Same deal as always, except Reks actually got some brief offense. Brodus fired up and finished Reks off with What The Funk.
– Backstage, Punk and Bryan spoke. Bryan explained why eating meat was like putting poison in your body. Punk said he was straight edge but unlike Bryan, he didn’t claim to be a role model. Well, not anymore, I guess. Punk said he was just the best wrestler in the world.
– Daniel Bryan d. CM Punk by DQ in 11:54. The match started with the Code Of Honor being observed. They exchanged some kicks early on. Crowd were pro-Punk. Cole, meanwhile, was actually fair and pragmatic about Bryan, which was nice. Bryan got the better of an exchange of uppercuts and threw Punk over the barricade, looking for a count out win. Punk beat the count at 9. Bryan was eventually able to ground Punk and went after his arm. Punk caught Bryan with a super hurricanrana and made a comeback. But Bryan escaped the GTS and countered a dive attempt. After exchanging pin attempts Bryan hit a buzzsaw kick for two. Punk fought off a superplex and hit the flying elbow, also for two. In the end Bryan countered the GTS, but Punk escaped the LaBell Lock. Punk then hit a roundhouse kick. But with both men down, Chris Jericho ran out and threw Bryan down for the DQ. Jericho hit the Codebreaker on Punk, leaving Bryan to celebrate the DQ win.
– They announced Mike Tyson would be going into the Hall Of Fame celebrity wing.
– Kofi Kingston d. The Miz in 4:15. R-Truth did commentary. Miz bragged about lasting over 45 minutes in the Rumble, saying Kofi’s handstand didn’t compare. And he promised to win the Elimination Chamber. Miz dictated most of the match, but Kofi hit Trouble In Paradise for the win.
– Laurinaitis told Otunga he was feeling anxious. He accused Otunga of being after his job, but Otunga said he was fine with his position and told him things would work out.
– A hype video for The Rock aired, the same video from Royal Rumble. Newsflash, the WWE production team are amazing. This also masqueraded as a chance to hype his movies. So, two birds, one stone. They did get back to Wrestlemania by the end. So, yeah, this was great.
– Divas Championship: Beth Phoenix (c) d. Eve Torres in 0:31. Eve was all spooked, thanks to the Kane stuff. Eve came out fighting as a result. But Beth quickly finished her off with the Glam Slam, as Eve lost her cool.
– Kane’s music hit with Eve down in the ring. Kane cut a promo from the big screen, saying everything that happened could be avoided if Cena embraced the hate. Instead Cena was looking past him to the Rock. He said until Cena embraced the hate he couldn’t beat him and he couldn’t beat The Rock. Kane said he was going to send a message to Cena through Eve. Kane came out through the crowd behind Eve and stalked her, until Cena hit the ring for the save. Cena and Kane brawled around ringside and Cena used the steps on Kane repeatedly. He hit Kane with a microphone, as Lawler and Cole theorised Cena was embracing the hate. Kane blocked an AA through the announce table and escaped through the crowd.
– Laurinaitis came out for his job appraisal. People sang the goodbye song at him again. Laurinaitis said he’d been looking forward to this, because he knew everybody appreciated what he’d done on Raw. He claimed Raw ratings were up from a year ago. Laurinaitis talked about self evaluating himself and bragged about all the great things he thought he’d done well.
– Triple H cut this short. Laurinaitis shook HHH’s hand. HHH said he thought Laurinaitis might do a good job, because he was so spineless and gutless, but just like everyone else he tried to use his power to make himself a star. Laurinaitis said he respected HHH’s opinion, but he was wrong. HHH brought up Laurinaitis involving himself in the show week after week. HHH said he’d let personal decisions cloud his judgement too and he had to be replaced as well. Laurinaitis said he’d do anything to save his job, so Triple H told him to apologise to the fans. He did, passionately, to mass boos. HHH considered putting Laurinaitis in a match against the entire roster, but settled on stealing a page from Vince’s playbook and having him join the Kiss My Ass Club. Laurinaitis thought it over, then produced some chapstick and willingly got down on his knees, ready to “do the deed”. HHH revealed he was joking and everyone laughed at Johnny. He said the board had told him he could come back and run Raw whenever he wanted, now he’d sorted his personal differences out. But just as HHH was ready to fire Laurinaitis, The Undertaker interrupted. Just like last year they stared each other down and looked up at the Wrestlemania sign. But this year, it was Triple H who walked away, after a condescending pat on the shoulder.
NXT
– Titus O’Neil came out, insulting the fans. He said Alex Riley butted his nose in his business and told him to come out and face him like a man. Instead, Darren Young came out. He also insulted the crowd. Darren said they had unfinished business, which Titus didn’t seem to agree with. He said he respected what Titus had done the last couple weeks, even if he didn’t like him and offered a handshake. Titus said he didn’t care about respect, but he appreciated Darren finally seeing the light and shook his hand anyway. Percy Watson interrupted and promised he wouldn’t underestimate Titus again and from now on, the gloves were off. Darren and Titus invited him into the ring. Before he could, Riley provided back-up. He’s still popular. They got in the ring and Riley said he knew what having his best friend turning on him feels like. Long story short, it broke down into a fight and the heels were sent packing, before Striker made a tag match for later.
– Tyson Kidd d. Trent Barreta in 4:12. Tyson is still a face, so that wasn’t a one week thing. They had a fun babyface match. Tyson wiped Trent out with a dive into the barricade. The match swung back and forth, before Kidd rolled through a top rope hurricanrana and pinned Barreta with a sunset flip. Good stuff.
– Hawkins and Reks interrupted a Striker phone call, annoyed at not being on the show. He said they lost to the Usos. Hawkins and Reks insisted they had a great match and Striker told them not to listen to the internet. Hey! Striker said everyone on NXT would have a match next week and asked them to give him a break. Hawkins and Reks suddenly lightened up and Striker remarked that he hated them after they left.
– Heath Slater came out, showing everyone that he won last week. Repeatedly. He didn’t even show any of the match, it was just Heath getting the three count and celebrating, six times in a row. Awesome. Derrick Bateman interrupted, which made Heath mad. Bateman said he was surprised Heath even had a finishing move and nobody came to see that video. Bateman made fun of Heath and Heath said he’d been to Wrestlemania and been a Tag Team Champion, unlike Bateman. Bateman had a montage of Heath Slater’s “greatest hits”, aka greatest misses. It was him being pinned by Gabriel and beaten by Hornswoggle in the over the top challenge. Fans chanted “loser” at Heath. It descended into shoving and Bateman dropkicked Heath outside.
– Alicia Fox d. Maxine in 0:41. Johnny Curtis came down and distracted Maxine, allowing Alicia to get the win with a rollup.
– Mad, Maxine went looking for Curtis, with Bateman backing her up. Maxine ran into Kaitlyn, who warned her not to hurt Derrick again. Maxine accused her of having a thing for Derrick and Kaitlyn walked off, not wanting to hear it. Curtis emerged, having heard all this, with a smirk.
– Darren Young and Titus O’Neil d. Alex Riley and Percy Watson (Titus pinned Riley) in 8:50. Percy looked good against Young in the early stages. But Young caught Percy with a back suplex on the apron to turn things around. Darren and Titus worked Percy over, but Riley got the tag and ran wild. In the end, Titus took Percy out on the floor and got a blind tag, allowing him to catch Riley by surprise and beat him with the sky high powerbomb.
SUPERSTARS
– Jinder Mahal d. Yoshi Tatsu by submission in 4:43. Jinder dominated for the mostpart. Yoshi managed to fight back with his kicks and had Jinder reeling, but Jinder avoided the top rope spinkick and finished Yoshi off with the 1980s evil foreign camel clutch.
– Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox d. The Bella Twins (Kelly pinned Nikki) in 4:10. Fashion update. The Bellas were back in the catsuits. The Bellas stalled like Larry Zbyszko early (only, hotter, obviously), but were hit with baseball slides for their arrogance. The Bellas cut off Alicia like a good tag team should. They then used a ‘double booty shake attack’, like a good tag team should. Kelly eventually got the tag and ran wild, putting Nikki away with the K2. This was quite the match.
– R-Truth d. Jack Swagger in 10:29. Crowd were into Truth. Truth threw Swagger off his game for a short while, but Swagger was able to target the ribs and gain control. Truth fought back, sending Swagger to the floor to regroup with Vickie. Truth dove on Swagger, but Swagger eventually regained the advantage thanks to a distraction caused by Vickie getting up on the apron and screeching. Truth made a big comeback late on. He was able to escape the ankle lock a couple of times, the second time leading to the Little Jimmy for a non title win over the US Champion. Pretty good main event.
SMACKDOWN
– In the ring, Teddy announced the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match participants. Bryan, Barrett, Big Show, Cody, Henry and Orton. Mark Henry came out, unhappy. He said he didn’t deserve to be at a six to one disadvantage. He said he was the big fish on Smackdown and demanded he was taken out of the Chamber, wanting a shot at the World Title tonight instead. Teddy asked what happened if he didn’t. Teddy stood up to Henry and took him out of the Chamber, but said there was no title match tonight. Henry tried to keep his cool and told Teddy he was replacable, so he better do the right thing. Teddy suspended Henry for, essentially, grabbing his tie. Bit harsh. Henry said if he was getting suspended, he might as well get his money’s worth. Sheamus interrupted before Henry could attack Teddy. Henry started arguing with Teddy again and Sheamus laid him out with a Brogue Kick. What a jerk Teddy turned out to be!
– As Henry left, Teddy asked Sheamus if he’d decided which title he’ll be going after at Wrestlemania. Sheamus said he’d be waiting until after the Elimination Chamber. Cody interrupted, saying in the end, nobody would remember that Sheamus won the Rumble, they’d remember that he eliminated the most people and did all the work. He vowed to win the World Title at the Chamber and be a duel champion. Teddy put them in a match.
– Sheamus d. Cody Rhodes in 5:13. Sheamus started strong and dominated, until Cody managed to send Sheamus into the post and deliver the Beautiful Disaster off the barricade. Cody broke out the moonsault as well. Sheamus was able to fight back. Both men avoided each other’s patented kicks, before Sheamus finished Cody off with Finlay’s version of the Celtic Cross, which the announcers called a new finishing move for Sheamus.
– Cody hung around ringside after losing, annoyed at what happened. Justin Gabriel came out for his match. But as Hunico rode down, Cody attacked Gabriel from behind. It turned into a three on one attack with Camacho. But of all people, the Great Khali made the save. Khali took out Hunico and Camacho, as Cody bailed. Khali hit the Punjabi Plunge on Hunico.
– In Teddy’s office, Drew wanted one more opportunity. Teddy said there was nothing worse than predictable television, so this storyline is officially self-referrential. He told Drew to find another way to impress him and be glad he’s still got a job. Santino came in and told Teddy Santoshi didn’t work out, but he had a new tag team partner. It was Jim Duggan. Duggan chanted USA. Santino chanted Italia. Teddy gave them a match with Primo and Epico to get rid of them. Speaking of things which aren’t predictable television, Aksana’s sexy music walked in and flirted with Teddy. Duggan came back for his 2×4 and shouted Hoooo.
– Epico and Primo d. Santino Marella and Hacksaw Jim Duggan (Primo pinned Santino) in 2:24. Hacksaw did the trombone march with the 2×4, which immediately made this team worthwhile. I still love Hacksaw. Santino ran wild and things broke down, allowing Rosa to get on the apron. Santino refused to be distracted and went for the Cobra, but Primo countered with a Backstabber for the win. Hacksaw came in with the 2×4 to protect Santino, but too late.
– Cole brought out Daniel Bryan for an in ring interview. Bryan was in a good mood. Cole admitted he’d been critical of him and never thought he’d make it, but said he proved something at the Royal Rumble by winning the cage match. Cole said many were saying he was lucky and he was man enough to admit he was wrong about him. Cole offered a handshake to Bryan. Bryan took the microphone and said he appreciated the sentiment, but this wasn’t about Cole, it was about him. So Cole left. Bryan bragged about beating Show and Henry and being a great champion. He urged everyone to be like him and go vegan. He claimed he was healthier than everyone in the building. Bryan said he shouldn’t have to defend his title in the Elimination Chamber and especially not against Big Show. Bryan called him a failure as a competitor and as a human being. And he threatened to take his case to the board of directors.
– Big Show interrupted, all smiles. He said he would have interrupted soon, but he was finishing his steak. Show said Bryan wasn’t a role model, he was a pompous arrogant little ass. He told Bryan he couldn’t hide in the Elimination Chamber. Bryan said mathematically the odds were against him, so it was possible that he’d lose. But Big Show would lose, because once a loser, always a loser. Show politely told Bryan not to anger him but Bryan started poking him in the chest and sure enough, Show got mad. He attacked Bryan, but AJ appeared and got in the ring. Show tried to talk to her and AJ flinched like she thought Show was going to attack her. Bryan tried to attack from behind and got caught. AJ stopped Show from hitting the knockout punch and Bryan escaped. A scared AJ then hugged Bryan, to boos from the crowd, as Bryan smirked at Big Show. Fantastic.
– More Natalya comedy. Say no more.
– Beth Phoenix and Natalya d. Tamina and Aksana (Beth pinned Aksana) in 0:46. Beth got annoyed with Natalya, tagged in and quickly beat Aksana with the Glam Slam. Natalya tried to put the Sharpshooter on Aksana after, but Tamina attacked and hit the superfly splash.
– They announced Great Khali would be in the Chamber in place of Mark Henry. Yes, Khali.
– It didn’t air on Raw, but they did play the John Cena profile video here, which like The Rock’s one is quite awesome. I’d argue the Cena one is one of the best videos they’ve done in recent years, actually, if you can look at it objectively.
– Striker interviewed Orton. He asked if Orton would be conservative tonight, considering the Chamber was coming up. Orton said given the opportunity, he’d have done the exact same thing to Barrett. His problem was with Barrett bragging about ending his career. Orton said he was back and he’d walk out of Elimination Chamber 10 time World Champion.
– No Disqualification Match: Randy Orton d. Wade Barrett in 14:00. Wade has new music. It’ll take some getting used to. Bryan was watching the match with Teddy in his office. The fight soon spilled outside, where Orton had the advantage. Orton brought a table out. But it was Orton who went through it, as Wade blocked a superplex and shoved Orton off the top. Wade focused on Orton’s previously injured back. Orton fought with Wade through the crowd as he started to come back. Wade sent Orton into the steps and brought in a steel chair. Wade hit Orton across the back repeatedly and set up for Wasteland onto the chair, but Orton escaped. Orton made his big comeback, then used the chair on Wade. Wade was whipped head first through the chair in the corner. Wade was able to counter the RKO and Orton got his foot on the ropes from a bossman slam. Another chair came into play. Orton escaped a pumphandle slam and hit the RKO. But that wasn’t enough for Orton and he delivered a second RKO on the chair before pinning him. Strong way to end the show.
– As Orton celebrated his win, Teddy told Bryan he’d be facing Orton one on one next week. Bryan said he wasn’t afraid of snakes. He told AJ to stay there and watch. Bryan then went to the ring and did his wacky over the top celebration, interrupting Orton’s celebration, as Orton looked on bemused.