Two months after the revelation that was the January 4th edition of Impact, TNA tries to improve upon it. Well…that shouldn’t be too hard. What is going to happen in THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES? Will the opening match end in a no contest? Will anyone arrive by motorcade and say they were in the building for the whole day? Please everyone. Pray for the best. Regardless, join me for live coverage as the first shots are fired of the modern Monday Night Wars!
Mike Tenay and Taz hype the in-ring return of Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair. Apparently, that is happening…right now! Abyss and Hogan make their way to the ring. Hogan says that since AJ Styles and Ric Flair decided to change the rules, this is their wrecking day. Styles and Flair come down to the ring, leading to…
Opening Match: Hulk Hogan and Abyss vs. Ric Flair and AJ Styles
Abyss catches Styles with a press slam. Flair tags in and trades chops with Abyss. Flair gets back body dropped but responds with a low blow. Hogan decides to interject but Styles lays him out with an enzuigiri. The match breaks down…STING’S MUSIC HITS! Sting is in the ring with his baseball bat. HE HITS HOGAN AND ABYSS!! Styles and Flair aid in the attack by utilizing a steel chair. Hogan and Abyss are bleeding badly as security comes out to stop the attack. Hogan gets on the microphone and says that he will finish this before the night is over. Hogan makes a no disqualification match for later tonight. Call this a no contest in just over two minutes. I can’t believe I was right…another no contest in the opening match. TNA hyped this match for weeks and actually delivered a no contest. I know that Hogan said there’s going to be a rematch before the night is over. But they just threw away Hogan and Flair’s return to the ring in a two minute match that ended in a no contest. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Dixie Carter tries to confront Sting backstage. Sting says “I owe you nothing” and walks away.
Jeremy Borash is backstage with Flair and Styles. Flair says that Sting has finally come to his senses. Flair is going to make a statement tonight. Hogan and Abyss are leaving in an ambulance tonight.
Abyss is furious backstage. So am I, Abyss, so am I.
Brooke Hogan is shown crying backstage. This is actually getting ridiculous.
Kazarian is in the ring. When he decided to walk away from TNA, he had some doubt. That doubt is gone now. He came back to reignite the flame of the X Division. Daniels interrupts and claims that he will be the one to lead the X Division. Doug Williams comes out and ensures them that the X Division is in good hands with him being the champion. Eric Bischoff finally interrupts. Thanks Eric, we needed a voice of reason. He makes an X Division Title match: Williams vs. Daniels vs. Kazarian…
Match #2: X Division Title: Doug Williams © vs. Kazarian vs. Daniels
Everyone trades rollups. Daniels catches Williams with a leg lariat. Kazarian hits a northern lights suplex on Daniels while pinning Williams for a two count. Kazarian lands a dive to the floor onto his opponents. Daniels is sent into the ringpost. Williams connects with a charging knee on Kazarian and Daniels adds a slingshot elbow drop. Daniels lands a springboard moonsault on Kazarian and follows with a death valley driver. Kazarian connects with a double springboard dropkick and hits a barrage of offense. Williams blocks Angel’s Wings and we almost get a double pin. Nah, not in TNA. Kazarian lays out Daniels with a swinging neckbreaker. Williams hits Chaos Theory on Daniels to retain his title in 7:00. Extremely solid action and the kind of match that should be the norm on Impact. The only problem is that they gave away Kazarian/Williams before the pay per view. Either way, at least I can say there was a decent match on this show if nothing else.
Shannon Moore runs out after the match and hurricanranas Williams. He connects with a spin kick and Williams retreats. Bischoff announces it will be Williams vs. Moore at Destination X. Neat!
Jeremy Borash is backstage with Dixie Carter. She puts him in a match tonight, but she won’t tell who he’s up against.
Match #3: Knockout’s Tag Team Titles: Taylor Wilde and Sarita vs. Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne vs. Tara and Angelina Love
The titles have been vacated as Awesome Kong and Hamada failed to defend them in the last 30 days. Good enough reason for me. Wilde connects with a spin kick on Tara and Sarita adds a stunner. Sky keeps screaming like an annoying you-know-what on the apron. The Beautiful People hit stereo dropkicks on Wilde and Sarita. Love enters and cleans house. Tara goes for the Widow’s Peak but Daffney interferes and lays her out with the belt. Rayne covers Tara to make the Beautiful People the new Knockout’s Tag Team Champions in 2:00. Fine advancement for the Tara/Daffney program. However, I hate seeing the titles change hands in a match this worthless. Especially because this contest had a chance of being decent, with some solid talent involved.
Christy Hemme is backstage with D’Angelo Dinero. He will be facing Desmond Wolfe tonight. Speaking of him, Wolfe attacks Dinero and starts going to work on the left leg with a chain. Wolfe makes his point and walks away.
Jeremy Borash is backstage with the Beautiful People. They are annoyingly excited. Borash brings out champagne and everyone continues to act immature.
Sting comes to the ring and waits for his opponent. ROB VAN DAM ENTERS THE IMPACT ZONE THROUGH THE CROWD!!!
Match #4: Sting vs. Rob Van Dam
RVD connects with a spin kick and hits rolling thunder for the win in about 15 seconds.
After the match, Sting attacks RVD with his bat. He even lays into some referees before Hogan comes out and stares him down. Hogan tries to enter the ring but security holds him back. Sting gets a shot in on Hogan with his bat and heads to the back. Probably the most underwhelming debut I’ve seen all year. Hogan also doesn’t look like he’ll be able to compete later, so his no disqualification match may be in jeopardy. Cross the line!
Kevin Nash and Eric Young make their way to the ring. Nash has a contract for a match against Scott Hall and Sean Waltman…AT DESIGNATION X!! Yes, Nash called it “Designation X”. I am not kidding. We go to commercial…back from break, Hall and Waltman appear in the crowd. Security rushes the ring just in case something happens. Hall calls Nash a sellout and says that when he wins at Destination X, Hall wants money for it. He said something like that. See, Hall isn’t the most coherent talker. Bischoff appears on video and promises Hall and Waltman a contract if they win at Destination X. Hall and Waltman accept the deal. Waltman slaps Young and they start brawling. Bischoff gives Young permission and we have a match…
Match #5: Eric Young vs. Sean Waltman
Waltman hits some offense in the corner but gets back dropped. He misses the bronco buster and Young hits a piledriver for the victory in 1:00. This was terrible. They hype the eventual confrontation between these four men and Young just finishes Waltman in a minute.
The United States Army is in the Impact Zone for Kurt Angle’s entrance. He calls out Mr. Anderson and introduces him to the men and women who fight for our country. Angle says he will defend the soldiers when female dogs like Anderson degrade them. They will have a match at Destination X. Mr. Anderson interrupts on video backstage, so Angle goes back and finds him. They brawl into the Impact Zone. In the ring, Anderson hits Angle with the dog tags. He tries to leave but the soldiers block him. Angle and the soldiers get some shots in on Anderson. Angle hits the Angle Slam and holds up the American flag in the ring. This was a pretty effective segment that the crowd was rabid for.
Bubba the Love Sponge of all people is backstage with Hulk Hogan. Earl Hebner walks in and asks Hogan for a second chance in TNA. Hogan obliges and tells Hebner to stop his match tonight if things get out of control.
They run down the Destination X card: Generation Me vs. Motor City Machine Guns in Ultimate X and AJ Styles vs. Abyss stand out to me.
Jeff Jarrett confronts James Storm backstage and punches him for some reason. Mick Foley tells them to take it into the ring as we go to commercial.
Match #6: James Storm and Robert Roode vs. Jeff Jarrett
Back from commercial, Beer Money is beating Jarrett down at ringside. Apparently Mick Foley is the special referee. I have no idea what’s going on. Roode lays out Jarrett with a spinebuster and Storm hits the Eye of the Storm. Jarrett finds an opening and clotheslines Roode to the floor. He sends Storm out as well. Roode sends Jarrett into the guardrail. Foley gives Jarrett the barbed wire bat. Jarrett goes to use it but Slick Johnson takes it away. Roode low blows Jarrett and Beer Money hit the DWI for the win in 4:00.
Hogan is backstage with Abyss. Brooke runs in and asks Hogan not to participate in his match tonight. Hogan says that he has to go out there and Brooke requests that it be his last match. Hogan promises that this is the last time he will wrestle.
Match #7: No Disqualification: Ric Flair and AJ Styles vs. Hulk Hogan and Abyss
Flair connects with some shots in the corner on Hogan but gets back dropped. They take the action to the floor and Flair is already bleeding. Hogan bites him to open the wound and lays in punches. Abyss adds some punches of his own. Hogan whips Flair with his belt. Flair finds an opening after a low blow and tags out. Styles takes control of the match and the heels isolate Hogan. Hogan slams Flair off the top and makes the hot tag. Abyss cleans house, connecting with a double clothesline. He hits corner charges and chokeslams his opponents. Styles lands a springboard forearm on Abyss. Everyone starts brawling. Hogan and Abyss hulk up. Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam on Styles for the victory in 8:00. Fine for what it was. Flair bled buckets, Hogan was Hogan, and Abyss was put over in the end.
After the match, Desmond Wolfe attacks Abyss with a chair. Flair takes out Hogan’s knee. D’Angelo Dinero comes out to make the save before Styles lays him out. JEFF HARDY IS HERE!! He cleans house and hits the Twist of Fate on Styles to end the show.
Check out the new podcast in the coming days for general thoughts on both RAW and Impact. Let’s just say that I won’t be too positive towards Impact. And that shouldn’t be anything new.
