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This week’s CHIKARMY Insider has complete results for this past weekend’s shows in Reading and Pottsville, ushers the return of a lost and newly posted Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~!, delivers some news about a brand-new message board for Chikara fans, and other stuff that I can’t remember. Leave lots of comments and e-mail me money and tell you friends that Andy Kauffman knew your dad. When they say, “Who’s Andy Kauffman?” beat them with a sack of tangelos and eat one in front of them to revel in your victory. Repeat until you are caught. One you post bail, read the column again starting from the bottom and let me know if it’s any more enjoyable that way. Onward!
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I wanna thanks the various people who Twittered results for both shows or posted after-show comments on the message boards, making these results possible. And thanks the Chikara itself for getting the official results and match times up lightning fast. I’ve done my best to amalgamate them all, along with my pithy nonsense, into pretty comprehensive results. Thanks again to everyone!
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The Mint Condition ~ February 27th, 2010 ~ Reading, PA
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1. The Colony d. Pinkie Sanchez, Daizee Haze & Lince Dorado (14:51). At the start of the match, Daizee was taunting The Colony. This lead to a “Hit her!” chant. It was kinda uncomfortable, yet entertaining all the same. The BDK end up getting disqualified when Sara Del Rey interfered on behalf of her Bruderschaft cohorts. Green Ant bled during the match. This is technically the first match that the BDK has lost…so the Tecnicos are making progress!
2. Delirious d. Player Dos (9:35). UltraMantis is on commentary, controlling his “perfect weapon” from afar. Delirious keeps his momentum rolling into tomorrow’s title shot by defeating Dos with the Praying Mantis Bomb.
3. Incoherence & The Osirian Portal d. F.I.S.T. & The Badd Boyz (16:44). Akuma makes the bold claim that he can put Frightmare in his pocket. Amasis challenged Akuma to a dance-off! After Amasis got down with his bad self, Akuma turned to the sound booth and said he’d dance if Wiggly would hit his music. “Just Dance” by Lady Gaga began to play! Akuma seemed to be getting ready to bust a move… and then like a jerk he kicked Amasis in the head. Guess he has no rhythm. Hallowicked takes off Icarus’s head with a Yakuza Kick for the victory. HE’S GOT KICKS!
4. Claudio Castagnoli & Ares d. The Throwbacks (10:39). Ares nailed the Toblerone Driver, his version of the Tiger Driver, for the victory. It’s the first point for “Die Führer der Bruderschaft“. For The Throwbacks, it’s game over and back to the drawing board after losing their two points. Perhaps they should…have punted? That’s just dumb. Neither one is even in a football gimmick. My apologies.
5. Young Lions Cup: Time Donst© d. Player Uno (11:58). Uno had a Mega Mushroom! At one point, Tim Donst had Player Uno in a purple nurple in the same manner he did to fellow Smash Brother Player Dos at A Touch of Class. This time Bryce made sure to tell him, “Come on, Donst! Off the nipples!” Player Uno nearly had it, but Donst eventually hits the SDT for the win. That’s the second successful defense for “Kapitän Amerika” in what was described as a really good match.
6. Tursas d. Eddie Kingston (3:49). Early on, Tursas was manhandling Kingston! At one point he German suplexed him like he was a cruiserweight. It was rather a sight to see. Didn’t take three minutes for Castagnoli to interfere against his arch-nemesis Kingston. One big splash later and Eddie had been bested.
7. Main Event: Mike Quackenbush & The Future is Now d. The UnStable & Brodie Lee (21:35). One of the main spots saw Jigsaw, Quack and Equinox all diving out of the ring in the same direction on The UnStable followed by Brodie booting Helios’ face off. Short on details but a deadlift overbomb made an appearance, Brodie did a big dive out to the floor, the finish was crazy and it was probably the best match of the night. Quack drilled Colin Delaney with Quackendriver I for the dubya.
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A World of Comforting Illusions ~ February 28th, 2010 ~ Pottsville, PA
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1. Pour La Vengeance!: The Throwbacks d. Vin Gerard & STIGMA (8:00). Somewhat of a surprise here, as the Vin/STIGMA team already has another tag match booked for next month. Guess they got caught looking past Dash and Dunk…or they suck. Take your pick. The win came from a Dasher Hatfield Victory roll on STIGMA. Good to the see the ‘Backs rebound and score. Ha! That was much better than the football thing from earlier. Still sorry for that.
2. An Unmitigated Massacre: Brodie Lee d. Green Ant (4:13). Brodie wins via the Running Liger Bomb. Shockingly, it was described as a squash. Green Ant actually held on long enough that it wasn’t the shortest match of the weekend! Green Ant’s three matches so far this season: a brutal-looking Burning Hammer in a loss, beaten bloody against BDK in a DQ, & surely at least one meeting with Brodie’s boot in another loss. He’s got Tursas next month. Gulp.
3. Incoherence d. Del Rey & Haze (8:49). Hallowicked kicked Del Rey in the corner, and it was described by one person as “one of the loudest impacts I’ve ever heard!” Incoherence’s eventual victory came via Excesivo de Castigo, Del Rey’s second such offense in her last three Chikara matches dating back to late 2009. Apparently, Del Rey gave Frightmare a piledriver, and then another, and another, etc. It’s called self-control, Sara. Death Haze’s point from A Touch of Class goes poof and Hallowicked remains undefeated this year. More technicalities involving Del Rey!
4. Elimination Tag Match: Claudio & Ares d. The Portal vs. SSB vs. The Badd Boyz (20:52). During the match, a dance-off broke out between Amasis and Player Uno. The background music of choice: “Rockit” by Herbie Hancock. First elimination came via an Ares Toblerone Driver on Amasis, giving the BDK leaders two points. Player Dos pinned Brad Badd with the Frog Splash, robbing The Badds of their two points. Finally, Claudio Castagnoli used the so-far unbreakable Inverted Chikara Special on Uno, claiming the victory and three points for a future tag title opportunity.
5. Eddie Kingston vs. Gran Akuma (9:27). Lots of hugging and smiling in this one. HA! Mental pictures are fun. No, it was brutally stiff. Kingston wins with Sliding D.
6. BDK (Donst/Sanchez/Dorado/Tursas) d. Mike Quackenbush & The Future is Now (22:55). Strangely, I have very few details on both eight-man TFIN tags despite both being called good matches. I know exactly three things about this match: Jigsaw had some new gear, Lince Dorado pinned his high-flying former tag partner Helios with the Shooting Star Press and that this was longest match of the weekend, bell-to-bell.
7. Campeonatos de Parejas: The Colony© d. The Neo Solar Temple (17:17). The previous night, UltraMantis claimed that this tag title match would be a “ninety second squash”. HE’S GOT LIES! Fire Ant gets the first fall for the Colony with a prawn hold. Right after this, Ares came out and use the Eye of Tyr on Delirious, causing him to go absolutely crazy and run out of the building! Left alone, UltraMantis was quickly pinned by Soldier Ant with a Saluting Skayde Schoolboy, giving the Ants their fourth successful title defense. After the main event, Mantis went outside to look for Delirious. When he wasn’t shouting Delirious’ name, he was shouting at oncoming traffic to slow down. Turns out Delirious was over at the U-Haul on the other side of the river across from the building, wandering around the trucks. He had either walked over the bridge or SWAM ACROSS the river to get there. After Mantis went back inside, everyone could hear Delirious ranting and raving from the U-Haul parking lot.
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Overall Thoughts
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This was an experimental weekend of sorts, as it was the first time in over two years that Chikara had done back-to-back cards with only seven matches on each. Times are tough financially, but it’s a good excuse to give some would-be criminally short matches some extra time. Night 1 clearly looks like the weaker on-paper show, but the two Relevos Atomicos and the YLC title match look worth the time. Also, most have said that the crowd was very good in the new venue, so that’s another plus. Night 2 was a top-to-bottom solid card that looks great based on the results. It’s another show, like A Touch of Class, where there’s something in every match that I want to see, the insanity in the main event being what I most look forward to. I loves me some solid storyline development. If you’re still unsure whether you’re interested, don’t worry: I buys’em all, so I’ll let ya know what I think when I get them.
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Here it is, the very first Horrible Gimmick Run Amok~! I posted this back in the Nation Sports Review days, but I wanted to revisit it here for those who didn’t get a chance to read it the first time, which I imagine is most of you. I conceived him out of my affinity for the old west, the honest hero and goofy good guys. Bailey Sharpe helped bring it to life, which I thank her for. Please visit her blog Red Fed Head to see what she’s up to. You can expect a brand new Horrible Gimmick in the near future. Here’s a little tease: it’s an iconic villain with a penchant for pontification. And now, without further rambling, I present to you “The Spirit of the West” Noisy Farts: half-man, half-tumbleweed! Give him a click to see him full-size!
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The unfortunately named Noisy Farts, a family appellation taken from his great grandfather, Noisington Farts, was born in Loveland, Oklahoma, a town of 16 people. The son of a plumber and a school teacher, Noisy went out of county to Grandfield Elementary School, and later, Grandfield High School. For obvious reasons, he was picked on mercilessly in middle school, and it only got worse in high school. Kids would throw their lunch at him, spit on him…they would even fart on him, shouting “Now that’s a noisy fart!” This was particularly sad since Noisy was not a very gassy individual. When he finally stood up for himself, he was soundly beaten by a six-foot tall ninth grader named Latch. After the altercation, Noisy begged his parents for self-defense classes, which they refused. His mother offered an alternative however: gymnastics. As a former gymnast herself, she felt this was a fantastic opportunity to live vicariously through her son.
After two months of closed-door practice, Noisy’s mother finally got the chance to see her son fulfill her own dreams. Much to her dismay, he did not appear to be with the team during their exhibition. Afterwards, she accosted the coach, wanting an explanation. She was told that Noisy didn’t take to gymnastics very well, but he turned out to be an excellent tumbler. “He has the most fluid rolls of any human being I’ve ever seen”, the coach remarked, “but he mostly just rolls a lot and watches wrestling in the corner.” Noisy’s mother, confused and bitter once again, took her son out of the class the next day.
Though he had no future in gymnastics, Noisy realized his coach was right: he was a natural tumbler. He used this new-found skill at school to defend himself again his many bullies. He learned how to roll his way out of any punch, kick, or pizza tossed his way. One particularly notable fight came against his mortal enemy Latch, now a 6’ 3” sophomore. Latch chased Noisy outside, where the youngster showed off his first-rate front rolls. As he began to do this, the dry roots of plants began to accumulate on his rather economical clothing. When Latch finally caught up with Noisy and delivered a hurricane punch to gut, it was Latch who got the worst of the exchange, hand throbbing from the spiny ends of the shrubbery. He became a cult hero in the school for defeating Latch, meaning that he still wasn’t very popular. People stopped throwing food at him, though.
After he graduated high school, Noisy joined a local wrestling academy, where he had limited success. He found that his equilibrium was easily lost when he tried to run the ropes or even walk inside the ring. After weeks of frustration, he decided to start rolling again. Now that he had mastered moving around the ring, he found himself as one of the top talents at the school. He was still plagued by the insults and barbs of fellow students, a fact that made it hard for him to keep focus. Instead of recoiling, he decided to embrace what he did best. Before every match, he would roll in the tumbleweeds around the gym, even covering his face with a well-sculpted one that he made himself. Once he made the tumbleweed his identity, he felt no fear in the ring, and now…the Oklahoma sky’s the limit!
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Name: Noisy Farts
Nicknames: “The Spirit of the West”; “The Tumbleweed Kid”
Place of Birth: Loveland, Oklahoma
Theme Music: “Tumbleweed” by Bill Miller
Finishing Moves: Tumbleweed Senton Bomb, Top-Rope Victory Roll, Ultimate Tumbleweed (Rolling Clothesline followed by a Rolling Splash)
Trademark Moves: Rolling Fireman’s Carry Slam, Corner Cannonball Splash, Somersault Plancha, Blockbuster, Rolling Neckbreaker, Abisegiri
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– There’s a new message board for all of your Chikara needs: Chikara 101! With the personal support of Chikara Pro, it boasts daily crash courses in all things Chikara and several wrestlers, such as Sugar Dunkerton, Vin Gerard and even Mike Quackenbush, have registered accounts. With ChikaraFans still going strong, there are now more places than ever to chat Chikara! My username is JH-Chikara, so fell free to sign up and join in the senseless hyperbole today!
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– Chikara’s March Shows: “Wit, Verve and a Bit o’ Nerve” Saturday, March 20th in Easton, PA and “Testimony of Evil” Sunday, March 21st in Fairfield, CT! I’ll have the full run down of those shows in next week’s column!
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– Please leave any comments or questions you might have and I’ll do my best to respond with as many filthy German phrases as I can conjure. I’d like to do a contest or something cool like that, but I’m not sure how much interest there’d be. Let you voice be heard! Also, let me know if there’s anything you’d like to see in the column like fantasy booking, treasure hunts, wish-lists, secret handshakes, etc.
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