Wild CHIKARMY Insider Pie! (Full Preview Of This Weekend’s Season Finale)

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Hello again, folks! CHIKARMY Insider returns once again, this time to run down the Season Finale card. “Reality is Relative” takes place next Sunday and it should be epic. With so many strings still hanging in the air, from the BDK war, to the emergence of a new hooded figure, to the political games of Dieter VonSteigerwalt, we should expect plenty of resolution come December 12th as well as a lot to build on in Season 10. Now, I am suffering from either bronchitis, gout or an ear infection…possibly all three…and I’m on heavy medication. You’ll be lucky if my words make any sense at all. That being said, the kitchen light was bursting with an incandescent blue aura, a sort of violent, pulsing brilliance usually reserved for dying stars. The Moth Man was consumed by its glory, but no one cared. He hadn’t paid rent in, like, eight weeks. Also, he kept licking the lampshades, and that’s weird. And he was a jerk. And don’t call me Shirley.

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MORE New DVDs Are Out Now!

That’s right: TWO new Chikara DVDs are out and ready to be purchased in exchange for money or pints of blood. Scornucopia has a hilarious opener between 3.0 and Los Ice Creams, Lince Dorado challenging Frightmare for the Young Lions Cup, an epic “Blast from the Past” eight-man tag match and the main event Elimination Match featuring all former YLC winners, as Jigsaw, Hallowicked, Arik Cannon & Fire Ant take on Tim Donst, Vin Gerard, STIGMA & Max Boyer! The Germans, the finally Philly show of the year, sees Ultramantis Black fight Ares in an absolutely insane Falls Count Anywhere Match, Johnny Gargano try for the second time to capture the Young Lions Cup, Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw battle the odds on their road towards three points in a Four-Way Elimination Tag and Eddie Kingston taking on Homicide in a dream main event!

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Dieter Finds A New Target!

To say that, every now and again, Bryce Remsburg gets too caught up in all the madness of a Chikara multi-man match is a true enough statement. To say that he detracts from said matches is a flat-out lie. Sure, he’s had instances of helping out on a clothesline, body slamming an opponent or, most recently, flying off the top with a wild senton to the floor. But the fans love it. They love him. I mean, who’s he hurting? Bryce is five foot nothing and as white as toe-tapping to the Fine Young Cannibals. However, the Director of Fun is unamused. Dieter VonSteigerwalt had this to say on the Chikara Blog: “Our Board of Directors, in response to alleged complaints (I have seen or heard none) about the way in which another of our referees conducts himself, hired a third-party auditor to assess job performance. Why is this same protocol not being followed as it relates to Herr Remsburg? His actions this past weekend are more than reprehensible. In fact, when the Board convenes in December, I think that will be a most appropriate time to nominate someone else for the position of ‘senior official.’”

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Ricochet Bounces To Japan!

What a year it’s been for Ricochet, or Helios as he’s known in Chikara. After impressing Gabe Sapolsky and earning a roster spot in both EVOLVE and DGUSA, his stock continued to soar. Due to various injuries plaguing both Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw, an impromptu match-up had to be arranged. Speed Muscle were the scheduled opponents of the Chikara duo, so CIMA decided to dissolve a match between he & Ric so they could team up. In a shocker, Ricochet pinned former Dream Gate champion and three time Summer Adventure Tag League winner Naruki Doi with a beautiful double moonsault. CIMA was smitten. He had found the high-flying risk-taker he felt was missing from his WARRIORS. Ricochet is now on tour with Dragon Gate in Japan into the foreseeable future. He’s got a huge opportunity ahead of him, too, as he will team with CIMA & Dragon Kid at FINAL GATE 2010 in a bid for the Open the Triangle Gate championships!

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It’s fourth and fifteen…and you’re looking at a full-court press. That’s what will be facing Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw when the try and take the Campeonatos de Parejas from the leaders of the Bruderschaft des Kreuzes, Claudio Castagnoli & Ares. BDK referee Derek Sabato will probably be calling the shots. Tursas will be pacing at ringside. Delirious could be unleashed at any moment. With both Quack & Jig so banged up coming in, it’s a risk even stepping in there. But you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan. Risk is a part of life, and if they’re to somehow defeat the BDK, they’ll need risks. Like a midget at a urinal, they’re going to have to stay on their toes. The odds seem insurmountable. It’s a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans! Chikara has always been a fan-friendly company built on the principle that their fervency and devotion can be a difference maker. We will be behind Mike & Jig one hundred percent come December 12th, and the fate of Chikara will be decided. Personally, I hope Quack and Jig get to read this. Maybe they’re reading it right now. If so, I hope you guys beat the hell out of those goose-stepping, bratwurst-loving cheaters. I just want to tell you both good luck. We’re all counting on you.

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He’s been absolutely tearing through former YLC champions lately. Now, Tim Donst will attempt to add one more name to his resume when he faces Jimmy Olsen. “You see Jimmy, I already finished off the remains of STIGMA and Jigsaw at The Dark Ciberknetico.” Donst said on the Chikara Blog. “Flattened Arik Cannon and Fire Ant at “Scornucopia.” If Hallowicked, the first ever YLC champion can’t beat me Jimmy, how can you? You can’t. You’re trying to skate uphill. Think of the consequences Jimmy. Do you really want Colin to have to go back to being a solo act? Face me on December 12th, and I’ll cut your reunion short. You’re going to find out why I’m the greatest YLC champ of all time.” Alright, I have had enough of this. Donst, you are NOT the greatest Young Lion of all time. Max Boyer still holds the record for number of defenses at five. Granted, you had four…but so did Jigsaw, Hallowicked, and current champion Frightmare. You also went undefeated as champ…but so did Wicked and Jig! Frightmare’s still undefeated, too! So, I hope this sets the record straight. The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Timmy? Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!

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In a rematch from We Must Eat Michigan’s Brain, Ophidian & Amasis will take on Lince Dorado & Pinkie Sanchez at the Season Finale show. The first go around, Dorado upended Amasis with a prawn hold for the victory. Since then, The Portal have had a very up-and-down season, coming very close to winning gold on several occasions. Some would say that these two teams are similar to one another, that they are young, athletic, high-flying squads. However, I’m not one of them. Pinkie’s butt offense and Lince’s reckless assortment of hit-or-miss aerial maneuvers don’t compare favorably to the in-control, dynamic high-risk moves of The Osirian Portal. It’s an entirely different kind of flying altogether. It’s an entirely different kind of flying!

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There is nothing Vin Gerard wants more for Christmas than Colin Delaney Olsen bruised, battered and broken on a one-way train to the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle. After screwing with the heads of Amasis & Ophidian by pretending to be feuding with one another, the fiction became reality as Vin & Colin came to blows over Colin’s desire to reunite with brother Jimmy. The UnStable is now a man down but Gerard feels, after splitting a series of tags with the Olsens Twins, that his faction is stronger without Colin. He had this to say on the Chikara Blog: “Remember that time big bad Jimmy Olsen made the statement ‘we’ll see just who has gotten weak?’ Haha! Boy, did you eat your words with that double cheeseburger!!! Newsflash CHIKARA dweebs, it looks as though The UnStable has trimmed the fat! Who knew that all it would take is a few salads and a swift kick [you know where] to a certain never-was!? A never-was! Never was anything here in CHIKARA, never was anything there in the WWE. And now you’re back to carrying around your pregnant brother. Now you know how WE felt for the past two years, Colin!” For the first time, these two will go one on one and, given the intense and sometimes bizarre nature of their relationship, it’s sure to be memorable.

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It’s been almost five months since Fire Ant & Soldier Ant have tagged with one another in a Chikara ring. At Chikarasaurus Rex: King of Show, the duo teamed with their third Colony brother Green Ant and Frightmare to take on a four-man BDK squad. At Chikara’s biggest show ever, in the opening match, The Colony were defeated. This was an expansion on the theme for their year: crippling loses. At Wit, Verve and a Bit o’ Nerve, they were screwed over by the Bruderschaft and lost the Campeonatos de Parejas. At King of Trios: Night 3, they were screwed over by the Bruderschaft in the finals of the tournament, losing a hellacious match. Now, against Sara Del Rey & Daizee Haze, they have a chance at some retribution before the season ends. It will be a volatile match, for sure. You see, it’s true what they say: ants and women don’t mix. It’s like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it’ll clean you out, but it’ll leave you hollow inside.

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The feud between Hallowicked and UltraMantis Black is on of Chikara’s most emotional rivalries in its history. After years of heated exchanges and stiff combat, it seems that UltraMantis would like nothing more than to bury the hatchet with his former friend. Mantis could use an ally right now. You see, he had been walking around with these druids for some time, most likely new recruits in a reformed Neo Solar Temple. However, the identities of the druids were a mystery until last month. As Tursas & Ares looked to pummel Black into mush during a Falls Count Anywhere Match, his druids were revealed to be Obariyon & Kodama, muscular, green-faced warriors who have only recently joined Chikara’s ranks, not yet even making it to the roster page. Just as it looked like they were to save Mantis for a beating, another man in yet another cloak guided them back to the entry way. Ares pinned a shocked and confused Mantis and promptly left. Now, after failing to do so at Through Savage Progress Cuts the Jungle Line, UltraMantis may yet again try to enlist the services of Hallowicked. Mantis needs a partner as much as he needs the emotional catharsis that would come with the resurrection of his Temple. He’d be free once again to achieve dominance in Chikara. Free to chase after his coveted Campeonatos de Parejas. Free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment…

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It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, girl turns out to be evil, boy still pursues, girl rejects his every advance, and boy is repeatedly tricked into losing wrestling matches. It should have been a Goodyear for Sugar Dunkerton, but it may end up his worst thanks to his failed, fruitless pursuit of Daizee Haze. Recently his partner Dasher Hatfield was attacked by the returning and reuniting Roughnecks duo of Grizzly Redwood & Brodie Lee. The two sides had a crazy, pull-apart brawl at a show they weren’t even booked for! Sugar must put Daizee out of his mind for now and focus on taking down The Roughnecks. His partner agrees. “The deed has already been done,” Dasher said in a statement toward The Roughnecks on Chikara Blog, “the crime has already been committed, and now it is time for you and your big buddy to pay the piper. With my true friend, Sugar Dunkerton, at my side we will make sure that this debt is paid in full. Sugar and I are a tight-knit ball club. If you throw a high hard one in on one of The Throwbacks, you had better believe the retaliation is coming from the whole squad.”

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After one of the roughest six months of his wrestling life, Eddie Kingston is finally hitting his stride. With wins against Homicide, Tim Donst and in the Torneo Cibernetico, the “War King” has been on fire these past few months. Now, he faces the monstrous Tursas for the third time this year. In their first encounter, at the second show of the year, Claudio assisted Tursas in besting Eddie. Their second singles encounter took place at the end of this year’s Cibernetico. Once again, Claudio was involved as well. Despite the odds, Kingston overcame them both, becoming the first man to not only knock down Tursas, but pin him as well. Now, they face each other once again. This time, it’s Tursas with something to prove to Kingston. Will Claudio and the Bruderschaft get involved again? It’s almost a certainty. But Eddie’s fine with that. He doesn’t like or need “back up”. He is a man standing alone against an army. He truly is “The Last of a Dying Breed”…like people who can name all fifty states.

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– Please leave any comments or questions you might have and I’ll do my best to respond with as many creepy Romanian incantations as I can conjure. I’d like to do a contest or something cool like that, but I’m not sure how much interest there’d be. Let your voice be heard! Also, let me know if there’s anything you’d like to see in the column, like fantasy booking, treasure hunts, wish-lists, secret handshakes, etc.

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