This week: The fourth wall is well and truly kicked down as CM Punk starts dropping names and making stands on his way out. Plus, Raw Roulette, Shawn Michaels superkicking, Mark Henry putting people into orbit, Superstars dream matches and the triumphant return of Derrick Bateman!
RAW- Raw Roulette
– Booker T was backstage to spin the roulette wheel. Raw Roulette started with Shawn Michaels coming out to a typically big reaction. Shawn said he tried to leave, but he couldn’t stay away and he missed everyone. He was wearing his Hall Of Fame ring. Shawn said he wasn’t a guest host and he wasn’t here to plug anything, like his new TV show for example, or his Twitter.
– CM Punk’s music hit and the New Nexus, minus the injured Mason, interrupted. Punk reminded us he was leaving at Money In The Bank and mocked Shawn. He said he was going to go out as a winner, unlike Michaels. And he’d be leaving with Cena’s WWE Title. He blamed the people for why he’s leaving, because they’d rather cheer for “the past” like Shawn than beg for the future to stay. Shawn said they cheer him because he’s better than Punk. Punk corrected him, saying “you were better than me”. Taking it as a challenge, Punk said they were similar. Shawn admitted there were some similarities, they both don’t drink, take drugs, to which Punk added “anymore“. Shawn responded by giving Otunga Sweet Chin Music. The Raw GM quickly e-mailed before things could break down. The GM made a match said Punk was going to have a match right now.
– They cut to Booker, who hyped some of the matches on the wheel. All the while, Otunga laid unconscious in the ring. That was funny. Booker spun the wheel and it came up as question mark, which meant he was going to face a mystery opponent. Which was convenient, since the GM didn’t even announce Punk’s opponent, so technically he already had a mystery opponent. Also convenient, Kane happened to be standing two feet off screen, for a dramatic cut. Shawn then gave McGillicutty Sweet Chin Music and wished Punk luck.
– Kane d. CM Punk by count out in 4:18. Kane started out strong, until a desperation roundhouse kick from Punk. Kane blocked a superplex and set up for the flying clothesline, but Punk rolled away and took the count out, proclaiming “what are you going to do, fire me?” Fair point.
– No Count Out Match: Sin Cara d. Evan Bourne in 4:53. This was the match that was ‘supposed’ to happen the week before. Eve spun the wheel and it came up No Count Out. Eh. They exchanged armdrags early on. Plenty of high flying moves, as you’d expect. Sin Cara wipe Bourne out with a topé. Bourne then hit a headscissors on the floor. They exchanged big moves back inside and in the end, Bourne missed Air Bourne, landed on his feet but fell to La Mistica. Pretty fun for what it was.
– Kofi was back with Booker. Booker was in fine form on this show. Before Kofi could spin, Vickie came in and spun for him. It came up Player’s Choice and Kofi got to choose the stip for his match with Dolph. Which was Vickie barred from ringside.
– They announced the eight men for Raw’s Money In The Bank, so no qualifiers this year I guess. It’s Kofi, Rey, Evan, Del Rio, Truth, Swagger, Riley and Miz.
– Vickie Banned From Ringside: Kofi Kingston d. Dolph Ziggler in 4:24. Vickie, despite being banned, tried to introduce Dolph, but referees took her away. Dolph tried to take a page out of Punk’s book and walk out, but Kofi didn’t allow it. Kofi got posted outside, violently. After their usual good match, Kofi avoided being thrown outside and surprised Dolph with Trouble In Paradise.
– Booker had Maryse with him for the next spin. Alberto interrupted Booker, demanding to know why he had to face Big Show again. Booker said he didn’t make the matches, he just made the spins. Alberto asked Maryse to spin instead. As they flirted, it came up as a Steel Cage Match and Alberto very quickly went off Maryse.
– Cage Match: Alberto Del Rio d. Big Show in 5:19. Del Rio tried to escape immediately, with no success. Big Show dominated, until Del Rio targeted the injured knee. As Del Rio had control, Mark Henry walked out and watched on. Big Show delivered a giant superplex. At that point, Henry got up and tore the cage door off it’s hinges, with more success than the last time he tried it. Del Rio crawled to safety. Henry then used the cage door to ram Big Show back into the cage wall, which collapsed. Angry monster Henry is pretty great. Big Show was helped out during commercial.
– Submission Match: Kelly Kelly d. Nikki Bella by submission in 1:14. Yes. A submission match. Between these two. Nikki worked Kelly’s arm, but Kelly just reversed into a boston crab and won. Okay then. The Bellas attacked, but Eve ran in for the save.
– Rey was back with Booker to spin the wheel. It came up as a Tornado Match. As Rey went to the ring, Booker turned around and saw DDP. DDP was there to hype the Nitro DVD but as he and Booker reminisced Drew McIntyre interrupted. Drew was annoyed old guys were taking his TV time and suggested they leave. He then collapsed, after a Sweet Chin Music from Shawn, who wanted to see the DVD. He claimed he’d never seen Nitro before because he was “working that night”, but was sure it was great.
– Tornado Tag Match: Rey Mysterio and Alex Riley d. Jack Swagger and The Miz (Rey pinned Swagger) in 8:31. Crowd were into this. With all four guys in at the same time, there was plenty of action. Riley did a Shelton Benjamin style vertical leap to the top, to suplex The Miz off. Deceptively athletic. After a bunch of nearfalls on both sides, Riley clotheslined Miz and himself outside, leaving Swagger and Rey. Rey countered the gutwrench powerbomb, but Swagger blocked a 619 and went for the anklelock. Riley took Miz out as he tried to assist, Swagger took the 619, the Implant DDT and a Rey splash in quick succession for the finish. One of the better Raw TV matches of the year, probably, at least from an action/excitement standpoint.
– At the wheel, R-Truth was talking to himself. Booker asked him to spin the wheel and it landed on Tables Match. Truth started talking to himself again, so Booker left.
– Tables Match: R-Truth d. John Cena in 5:13. Fairly basic match. Not bad. Cena went for the Attitude Adjusment, but CM Punk, in a Stone Cold shirt, ran out and pulled the table away. Cena went after Punk, but Truth caught him with a spear, driving him back through a table propped in the corner.
– Punk went back up the ramp and cut a promo I’m sure you’ve all heard about and/or seen. If not, why not? Punk said he had a lot to get off his chest. And he wasn’t kidding. He said he didn’t hate Cena, he hated the idea that he was the best, because Punk is. Punk said Cena is better at kissing Vince McMahon’s ass. He compared him to Hulk Hogan and “Dwayne” in the ass kissing stakes. He joked about breaking the fourth wall and waved to the camera. Punk said he was the best wrestler in the world and always has been, but was vilified for it. He name-dropped Paul Heyman and said he was leaving just like that other Paul Heyman guy, Brock Lesnar. Punk said the only thing that’s real is that he’s the best, but no matter how many times he proves it, he doesn’t get on the programs, movie roles, talk show gigs. He said it wasn’t sour grapes, but Dwayne being in the main event of Wrestlemania instead of him made him sick. Punk blamed the people cheering him for him leaving and buried them too. Punk said he was leaving with the WWE Title and threatened to go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling, or maybe go back to Ring Of Honor. And then gave a shout-out to Colt Cabana. He blamed the fans, saying they’d still pay Vince McMahon even when Punk’s gone and said Vince should be a billionaire instead of a millionaire. The reason he’s not is because he’s surrounded by “glad-handing, nonsensical yes men like John Laurinaitis”. And he hoped WWE would be better off “after Vince McMahon is dead”, but his “idiotic daughter and doofus son-in-law” were going to take over. Punk tried to tell a story about Vince McMahon. At which point, they cut his microphone. And soon after, the show ended, with Punk ranting at the camera.
NXT
– Darren Young came out and claimed that Chavo Guerrero had “quit on him”. Young ran Chavo down and promised to win NXT on his own. Conor O’Brien came down and threatened to turn his redemption into destruction, or something.
– Darren Young d. Conor O’Brien in 7:26. Both guys took a spill outside in a lock-up early. Young gave Conor a neckbreaker on the ring apron. Crowd eventually got into it and Conor gave Darren one of the most brutal looking big boots I’ve seen in forever. Young recovered and used the Three Amigos and the Frog Splash to pick up the win. Interesting.
– Backstage, Yoshi had his shrine set up. Tyson Kidd came in and broke his action figure. Boo! Yoshi went nuts and beat the crap out of Tyson until referees broke it up. Those action figures aren’t cheap, you know.
– Yoshi Tatsu d. Tyson Kidd in 8:11. Yoshi was still mad and resumed pounding on Tyson as the match broke down. Tyson managed to take out Yoshi’s arm and sandwich him into the steps with a dropkick to do further damage. Yoshi fought back and got a nearfall with a spinkick. Yoshi then went up top, but Tyson crotched him. A super hurricanrana only got Tyson a two count though. Yoshi managed to escape a suplex and catch Kidd with the roundhouse kick. Good match.
– JTG was getting ready backstage when Hornswoggle crept up, hiding inside a bin. JTG caught him trying to touch his chains and Titus ran up to make sure nothing happened to Swoggle.
– Titus O’Neil d. JTG in 3:24. Maryse did commentary. Hornswoggle handed Maryse a note, asking if she loved him. Maryse claimed you have to be at least six feet tall to date her. Let me get my height chart. Hornswoggle tried to impress Maryse with some posing, distracting JTG in the process. Titus capitalised with the sky high powerbomb. Maryse then tore up the note. Boo! Why is everyone so mean on this show?
– The elimination was up next, but first they announced CM Punk was suspended after Raw went off the air. Conor O’Brien was eliminated and cut a nice heartfelt promo, then asked “Hunter” for a chance to “play the game”. Striker reminded Titus and Young the winner of the season goes on to Season 6. He then told them they wouldn’t be in the final alone. Oh no. Instead, they would be joined by, yes, DERRICK BATEMAN! With Daniel Bryan. I totally approve of this decision.
SUPERSTARS
– Beth Phoenix d. Gail Kim in 4:01. This might actually have been first time ever. As far as I can tell, it was. They played it as Beth’s power against Gail’s speed and technique. Gail dropkicked the ropes and crotched Beth on the top turnbuckle. Beth fought back and won with the Glam Slam. Good little match. These two work really well together. Beth helped Gail up afterwards.
– Chris Masters d. JTG by submission in 4:07. JTG cut a promo before the match, wondering why everyone was, quote, “hating”. Masters has an underrated, amongst other things, knifedge chop. He lit JTG up with a couple of them here. Masters ended up catching JTG in the Masterlock to continue his Superstars dominance.
– Alicia Fox d. Kaitlyn in 3:05. Kaitlyn had Natalya in her corner, Alicia with Rosa. Alicia worked on Kaitlyn’s arm. Kaitlyn mounted a brief comeback, but fell to the axe kick. Kaitlyn is green, but she’s got something about her. A few things, actually.
– The Usos and Trent Baretta d. Justin Gabriel, Heath Slater and Tyson Kidd (Jimmy pinned Tyson) in 11:48. Match started out even, until Baretta missed a crossbody and crashed into the ropes. The heel team took over and worked on Trent. Trent got the diving tag to Jey and Jey went on the attack, but Slater gave Jey a top rope powerslam to cut him off. The heels regained control for a while, isolating Jey. Jey managed to tag and the match picked up into high gear. The big spot of the match saw The Usos brawl with Slater and Gabriel on the arena floor and Trent give Tyson a superplex onto all four. That was, in fact, awesome. The Usos took Gabriel out with a double superkick and Trent hit the Dudebuster DDT, kicking off Slater. Jimmy then followed up with a superfly splash for the pin. Real fun match from six under-appreciated guys. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth 12 minutes of your time.
SMACKDOWN
– Teddy Long was in his office and Christian walked in. He had a contract drawn up for Money In The Bank, but Teddy pointed out Christian didn’t win the tag team match last week, Mark Henry did. Teddy teased giving Henry the title shot instead. Christian was told he’d be banned from ringside in Orton’s match and stormed off.
– Randy Orton d. Mark Henry by count out in 4:23. Henry looked strong against the World champion. Orton escaped the World’s Strongest Slam and tried to mount a fightback. The match spilled outside and suddenly, Big Show’s music hit. Henry was distracted and no-one came out. Orton took advantage with an RKO and snuck back in to beat the count.
– After the match, Henry was pissed. And he went straight for the production area. Henry confronted the sound guy and started destroying the sound equipment. With the table destroyed, Henry let the sound guy go, only to drag him back by the shirt. And then, in the greatest spot in forever, he grabbed the sound guy by the throat and launched him off screen. This was straight out of a movie, where guys get grabbed and thrown twenty feet back through a window. This sound guy took an amazing… I can’t even say bump, because you never saw him land. An amazing flight. Henry is looking like the scariest man in the world lately and it’s fantastic. They then showed replays of the throw in slow-motion after break, which looked even better.
– Daniel Bryan d. Ted Dibiase by submission in 8:35. With the sound equipment out of action, there was no theme music coming out. Ted did an inset promo saying he hoped Cody was watching, because he was going to be impressed with what he did to Bryan. Good match. Bryan turned a rollup into the Labell Lock but Dibiase made the ropes. Dibiase blocked a flying knee off the apron and rammed him into the barricade. In doing so, Bryan injured his shoulder. Bryan escaped Dreamstreet though and ended up beating Dibiase with a front guillotine.
– Backstage, Teddy accused Christian of being to blame for the Big Show’s music playing. Teddy said Christian would get his contract signing tonight. But first, he’d have to compete against Sin Cara.
– Cody was with Ted backstage. He pointed out Dibiase hasn’t won a match since May and said if he doesn’t start winning, he might as well just put on the paper bag.
– Ranjin Singh was interviewed, earlier in the day. He said the Singh and Mahal families used to be close and claimed Jinder was jealous of The Great Khali’s fame. Ranjin said Jinder wishes he was Khali, but he never will be. He then explained Jinder married Runjin and Khali’s sister years ago and the way Jinder is controlling Khali is that he’s threatening to divorce the sister if Khali doesn’t do what he says.
– The Smackdown Money In The Bank line-up is Kane, Sin Cara, Daniel Bryan, Wade Barrett, Cody Rhodes, Justin Gabriel, Heath Slater and Sheamus. An interesting collection.
– Christian d. Sin Cara in 8:44. Sin Cara got the better of Christian early and Christian complained to the referee that he couldn’t see because of the lights. Awesome. Sin Cara got a lot of offense, until getting backdropped over the top to the floor. Cara avoided a diving headbutt. Things got a little sloppy briefly, but they recovered. They went back and forth at the end before Christian caused Cara to land face first on the turnbuckle and then hit the Spear. I thought Sin Cara looked really good, on of his better showings, until it fell apart towards the end. Which was a shame. That aside, this was good. First loss, but they gave Cara plenty.
– Cody Rhodes d. Ezekial Jackson in 4:07. Cody’s baggers handed Booker one and he screwed it up into a ball. After taking a beating, Cody lured Zeke outside and took a detour underneath the ring to jump him from behind. As Zeke went for the bodyslams, Dibiase provided a distraction. And although Dibiase got taken out, Cody hit the springboard kick and Crossrhodes to beat the Intercontinental Champion. This was fine.
– Johnny Curtis was painting himself in a corner. Literally. See, that’s the joke. You take a saying and then you act it out. Sigh.
– Kane d. Wade Barrett in 8:07. Both these guys are in Money In The Bank. Mute was finally hit during this match. Cole leaving Smackdown would improve this show immeasurably. Kane avoided Wasteland and a boot on the apron, then hit the chokeslam.
– The show ended with the Christian-Orton contract signing. Christian came out with a lawyer who may or may not have been PWG referee Rick Knox. Christian said if there’s a clause in the contract saying if there’s a bad referee decision at Money In The Bank, he will receive an automatic rematch. He told Orton he knew he could beat him and said nobody can save him anymore. Orton said he used to enjoy facing Christian and respected him when this all started. But now, the more he beats him, the more Christian begs for one more match and it’s starting to make him angry. Orton said to get the title, he’d have to beat him and that would never happen. Orton signed the contract and Christian had his lawyer look it over first. All clear, Christian eventually went to sign, but the pen wasn’t working. Suddenly, Sheamus hit the ring and took out both Orton and Christian. He laid both out with the Brogue Kick and tore up the contract.
TOP 5: WWE TV MATCHES OF THE HALF-YEAR
5. Rey Mysterio versus CM Punk, June 6th, Raw
4. Christian versus Randy Orton, May 6th, Smackdown
3. CM Punk versus Rey Mysterio versus Alberto Del Rio, June 20th, Raw
2. The Miz versus John Morrison, January 1st, Raw
1. Daniel Bryan versus The Miz, February 14th, Raw