As we say goodbye to the last millennium, this column and I enter the new decade with the high hopes of a young man with freshly grown armpit hair eager to show it off to his classmates. The first two years are two of my favorite PPV’s of all time; you’ll be annoyed at what a mark I am about them, or you’ll fall in weird stalker love with me. By 2002, I was down to only seeing the WWE PPV’s at a later date, and around 2005, I wasn’t watching at all. What I was doing with my time in those years is up to some debate, but from what I can remember it involved copious amounts of the band Devo and malt liquor. It’s just three years here, not that I couldn’t have don’t all six, but because I’m a column tease.
2000:
In the greatest arena in the world (according to America), Madison Square Garden, J.R. and Jerry Lawler open the first WWF pay-per-view of the 2000’s. Kurt Angle, fittingly, as he’s one of the most important stars of the 00’s begins the show against a debuting Tazz. If Tazz had really wanted to he could have had a long career in the ring as a scowling jobber, hell he could have been as great as the Brooklyn Brawler. Aside from dark matches he didn’t have much of a future in the ring, at least not in the modern WWE. Luckily, after a few years on the undercard they put him behind a desk in an ill-fitting suit creating the human commentating machine. After Taz chokes out Kurt, the Dudleyz and the Hardyz, put on a hell of a tables match. Seeing as how a tag team tables match was a new idea in the WWF there’s all sorts of innovations that in subsequent matches of the same sort were watered down to the point of becoming tame. Quickly the Hardyz bring out the ladders and chairs, it’s a simple case of four men wanting to break out from the normal and having the talent to do so. My god, Matt Hardy even looks like he’s in shape and doesn’t once threaten to kill himself. Jericho and Chyna co-holders of the Intercontinental title, look to become the one and only champion with Bob Holly thrown into the mix. Chyna is one of the least graceful men I’ve ever seen in the ring, and it almost makes me wonder if “One Night in Chyna” is as clunky, but I respect my crotch too much to view it. The three faces of Mick Foley are three of the best faces in the business, ugly as Manny Paquiao after taking straight punches to the face. This match, along with the Hell in the Cell also against Hunter which ostensibly retired Mick, rank among two of my favorites but I like seeing hairy men beaten with barbed wire. There’s no wink to the cameras here, no nod to the fans that they’re in safe hands, both men’s intensity make this a serious match more about survival then the title. If you’ve read Mick’s books you’ll know about his fondness for Jim Ross’ commentating and during the match you’ll hear Jim Ross put over the match like they’re watching a gladiator’s walk into the coliseum. The Rumble has some of its steam taken out having to follow the title match, also opening it with D’Lo Brown and Grandmaster Sexay isn’t exactly an enthralling beginning. Once Rikishi enters it slightly improves, at least there’s dancing, and I do love dancing. At a certain point J.R. says only a crane could get Rikishi out, which makes me think of the They Might Be Giants song “They’ll Need a Crane.” Memo to self: When I become a fat wrestler use that as my entrance music. Normal comings and goings then the Rock shows up battles the Big Show, wins, and we all go home with a smile on our faces.
1. The equivalent of your grandma prostituting. In the Miss Rumble 2000 contest, the long tradition of degrading women continues and Andy Richter, Conan O’Brien’s sidekick is one of the judges in another installment of, “Why the Hell Is This Guy Here?” Just when you think things can’t get any ickier, Mae Young’s boobies are exposed like two nipple torpedoes being dropped on decency and all the food I ever ate is regurgitated.
2. The Old Age Outlaws. Much like the Honky Tonk Man and Koko B. Ware the New Age Outlaws were a gimmick designed for a certain time, and already by the 2000 Royal Rumble it was beginning to wear thin. The haircut of Road Dogg needed to go about eighteen minutes after he looked in the mirror with a cornrow mullet.
3. WWF New York, they say that if you can make it there you can make it anywhere, but a wrestling themed nightclub/restaurant in the middle of Times Square apparently wasn’t to the partygoer’s likings. If it had opened in Wisconsin or Idaho, it would have become the new state capital but in NYC, it was overshadowed.
2001:
The Attitude Era is drawing to a close; change is in the winds, Vince McMahon is circling over the rotting carcass of WCW waiting for it to finally drop dead, but before the Invasion there is the Royal Rumble. Starting us off is those damn Dudleyz and Edge and Christian. Two thirds of the triumvirate that basically controlled the entire tag team division during this time, rightfully so. They were all young guys willing to take a chance for the sake of the match. The Dudleyz hit the 3-D, the crowd is hugely into it, and we have new tag team champions… at least I think we do it’s hard to see what’s going on with all their camouflage. The battle of the Chris’s takes a vertical turn when Benoit and Jericho face off in a ladder match. Although there are some great spots, the match has a lot of technical prowess from the two young men. It’s my favorite ladder match that WWE has put on but I haven’t seen any from the last few years so if there’s something better out there let me know, and I’ll punch you to the moon, right to the fucking moon. The Walls of Jericho on top of the ladder is a great moment as is the attempted head-butt from up high. We go from ladders to ladies, Ivory against Chyna but putting what’s basically a man into the women’s division doesn’t help much. On the other hand the whole Chyna being crippled was fun, and by fun I mean cringe-inducing awfulness. A WWF title match follows about 8 hours of Chyna being wheeled out by paramedics, Kurt Angle champion, Triple H challenger. The match takes a while to pick up any steam but once it does it’s a strong main event. The side story of the night being that Trish Stratus was being disciplined by Vince McMahon’s penis, and his daughter Stephanie also…wants to be punished? I’m not sure about any of this human interactions have never been my strong suit. I am positive that it leads to a cat fight in the middle of the match. It ends with Stone Cold hitting Triple H with the title, Angle wins, an eagle comes down and steals the gold, or wait no forget that last part, that was a bad acid trip. The Rumble match is perhaps the most star studded in history; if Honky Tonk Man isn’t a headliner I really don’t know who is. Almost all of the men who defined the era are in the match or in some way involved in it. Kane breaks the record for most elimination, and is in the rumble for what many would say is too god damned long. His “brother” the Undertaker is playing the American Badass version of the Undertaker which should have been ended whenever the drug that made Linkin Park famous wore off of the country. The future R-Truth is in the Rumble under his original WWF moniker K-Kwik, which I’m surprised didn’t take off, with his pairing of the Road Dogg. A bloodied and battered Stone Cold wins the match but the square-off against the Rock still sends me back to being twelve and watching it on a friends VHS. Even seen now, without the rose colored glasses of nostalgia I think this is a great show.
1. Jerry Lawler is always ready for a fight. He’s sitting at ringside in a suit jacket and no shirt which would only be acceptable if he was about to have a match and even then it’s strange. Come to think of it I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Jerry Lawler not ring ready, like he’s doing a Broadway with life itself.
2. Hi Butch, She’s Hot. I’m always intrigued by the weird signs held up by the audience and will one day make an entire column of just random signage. You would be forgiven for questioning why I bring up this particular sign but I’m just very intrigued, “Hi Butch,” it’s a friendly greeting, a shout-out on pink poster-board. The mystery comes when we start to wonder who “she” is. I must know, I am not taking a moments rest until I track this person down, to judge for myself how “hot,” “she” really is.
3. Drew Carey is in a pro-wrestling hall of fame. Last year at the Rumble I pointed out that Andy Richter was at ringside, in fact more often than not, some celebrity is involved or shown backstage awkwardly talking to the wrestlers in a clearly forced manner. Here he’s plugging some improv PPV and is allowed to wander around backstage, because anyone else on TV can be backstage, that’s how it works, duh. He ends up entering the Rumble match at #5 and is eliminates himself when Kane enters, that’s it, and he’s in the WWE Hall of Fame, there is truly no justice.
2002:
It’s a strange unfamiliar world I find myself in watching the 2002 Royal Rumble, I know nothing about these years so I can really only speak from the immediate viewing as it happens. Sure I checked in every now again over the years to see if anything caught the eye, but aside from some Benoit and Jericho matches I haven’t seen much at all. An ECW alumni meeting starts things with the Dudleyz vs. Tazz and Spike Dudley, it’s good to see that the WWE’s random throwing together of people to form tag teams isn’t a new thing. To end the match J.R. calls Stacey Keibler a jezebel, Tazz puts on the tazmission and D-Von taps, over. In the next match referee Nick Patrick goes down William Regal’s trunks to find brass knuckles, and then he and Edge fight for the Intercontinental title. Edge is really breaking out as a singles superstar and Regal is the consummate heel worker, but I wish he was with the rest of the Blue Bloods, it’s the WCW mark in me. Regal wins the title by having a veritable brass knuckles factory in his crotch. After the match he thanks God for giving him the “power of the punch,” which is what I call the spiked punch I gave to a lucky girl last Friday. Jacqueline is our overly exposed special guest referee. The challenger Jazz looks a lot like Boston Celtic Rajon Rondo in a wig. After the two sacks of chemical filled meat leave the ring, with Ric Flair and his antics having made Vinny Mac tap out. In a backstage interview segment Nick Patrick gives the acting performance of a lifetime as “Man attempting to show the idea of thinking.” After some trash talking the very first undisputed champion Chris Jericho takes on the Rock. A good main event, entertaining throughout it’s just sort of a-typical with interference, miraculous kick-outs, and even a referee screw-job for good measure. After the title match it takes awhile for the crowd to get back into the Rumble match, it’s not helping that the biggest star to come out is Rikishi at number one. After the Undertaker comes out at 8 it’s him against the Hardyz and Lita, he’s eliminated by our current world champion Maven…wait no, again, I must be getting confused. Maven is now a Home Shopping Network pitchman and not a wrestler of any substance. After Austin gets into the ring he constantly checks his invisible wristwatch just to make sure he’s not late for the American Idol premiere (which is several months away but you know you’re picking up what I’m putting down… I hope.) Mr. Perfect is in phenomenal shape for a veteran, he makes a welcome appearance and from then on every entrant in is an all-star.
1. One last run too many. Nobody is paying to see Ric Flair and McMahon in a street fight, Vince and Austin made sense because it was the rebel soul against the corporation suit, two over-tanned grandpas sweating and smacking each other with garbage. This trend would continue of having two “legends” fight for one reason or another well into the new millennium.
2. “What?” This is just an awful catchphrase that unfortunately will not die. I understand it’s very amusing to pretend you can’t hear the heel when they’re on the mic and see them get flustered. For fuck sake though America please stop saying “what?” just for the sake of moving the show along.
3. Well damn it, I actually enjoyed this. I honestly don’t think my expectations could be lower when I started the Rumbles I’d never seen before. The matches prior to the Rumble held my interest totally, nothing felt wasted, the title match was predictable but the Rock always puts on an entertaining show if not that great of a match. The Rumble had some weird and uniquely exciting moments, which is all I ask of wrestling, the final twenty minutes featured all great talent. I’m hesitant to say it, but I have some hope and anticipation for watching the next three years.