CHIKARMY Insider's Garden! (Full Results From This Weekend's Huge Events)

.
Welcome to a Monday edition of CHIKARMY Insider presented to you by…the cable guy! No, not the criminally underrated Jim Carrey film that almost sank Judd Apatow’s screenwriting career. An actual cable guy came to my home and fixed both my internet and phone! Good thing, too, as Chikara had two gimongous shows this weekend: The Germans & Scornucopia! I’ve got full results for you courtesy of Mushroom Jones & dlomyhero, who Tweeted results for the Easton show, and to the incorrigible Kevin Ford, who texted me live ponderings from Philly. Of course, you get my thoughts on the results as well. Oh really? I mean, I guess I could…wait! NO! This is my column. If I wanna post my own thoughts, I’m gonna. So there. Wait! Don’t go! I’VE GOT TURKEY LEGS!!! Yeah, that’s what I thought.
.
.

Preshow: They did the Meet N’ Greet, hosted by Gavin & Bryce. Wink Vavasseur is wandering around as well.
1. Totally Serious Tag Match: 3.0 d. Los Ice Creams (14:29). To the surprise of no one, shenanigans are abundant in this contest. Finish came when Jagged & Big Magic grabbed a fan named Brandon who was wearing an Ophidian mask and all three dog piled on Hijo & Junior for the three count.
2. A Fabulous Return: Dasher Hatfield d. Buck Hawke (8:45). Dasher gets the win via his new Cradle Death Valley Driver, the Suicide Squeeze, sending Hawke home with a loss. After the match, Grizzly Redwood comes out. He congratulates Dasher for his victory last month over Brodie Lee. Out comes “Big Rig”, and he is fuming mad. He nails a Big Boot on……Hatfield! The Roughnecks have reunited! Grizzly tells Brodie that he’s no joke and slaps him in the face. Lee holds the ropes down for him and helps Grizz exit. Sugar Dunkerton comes out to assist Dasher, and it leads to the next match.
3. Eight-Man Tag: Sugar Dunkerton & Da Soul Touchaz d. Ares, Daizee Haze, Pinkie Sanchez & Tursas (14:45). Willie Richardson is wearing a shirt that says “Pounce 3:16”. Amazing. Sugar is still having trouble getting physical with Daizee, as he is clearly still smitten. Sanchez goes for a moonsault but Marshe Rockett catches him with the M-80 for the victory! Richardson, Rockett & Acid Jaz are undefeated against the BDK this year.
4. Young Lions Cup: Frightmare© d. Lince Dorado (11:10). Derek Sabato comes out as the referee, so it’s exactly as it was for the YLC8 Finals. Late into the match, with Frights surviving an onslaught, Sabato didn’t fast count for Lince and he became enraged. Frightmare eventually got the pin with the Kneecolepsy for his third successful defense. Sabato & the BDK were not happy afterwards.
5. Blast from the Past Eight-Man Tag: Icarus, Lance Steel, Darkness Crabtree & Rorschach d. UltraMantis Black, Jolly Roger, Dragonfly & Mr. ZERO (17:51). Once again, Icarus came out wearing his Ichabod Slayne mask from the good ol’ days, only to take it off when the match started. Mantis used a back rake on Lance Steel early, only to hurt his fingertips. Dragonfly went for a somersault plancha and crash landed entirely in the seats! Ouch! Crabtree even busted out a Sweatergree! In the end, Icarus low-blowed Jolly Roger and planted him with the Blu-Ray DVD for the dubya. Said to be an extremely fun match.
6. Tag Team Challenge: Obariyon & Kodama d. The Osirian Portal (17:23). In a back and forth match, Obariyon drops Ophidian with Deep Impact for the victory and the second point for himself and Kodama.
7. Golden Dream Elimination Match: Jigsaw, Hallowicked, Arik Cannon & Fire Ant d. Vin Gerard, STIGMA, Tim Donst & Max Boyer (19:13). Fire Ant is eliminated first via STO from Tim Donst. Everyone ends up on the outside where Bryce Remsburg drops everyone with a top rope senton! Why’d he do this? I have no idea! Total Anarchy from Arik Cannon takes care of the returning Boyer followed by Donst eliminating Cannon via STO. Hallowicked sends Donst packing with a schoolboy, leaving it him & Jigsaw against The UnStable! Wicked upends Gerard with the Rydeen Bomb and Jigsaw finishes off STIGMA with a superkick, securing the victory for his team! YAY!
.

Overall Thoughts

Well let’s see here. An Elimination Match in the Main Event? CHECK. Only one match being less than ten minutes long? CHECK. Mr. ZERO & Lance Steel back in Chikara? CHECK. A much-anticipated tag team reunion? CHECK. Friggin’ five matches going almost fifteen minutes, with three eclipsing seventeen? I think you get the picture now. This show sounds like everything I’d hoped for and more. I was shocked and pleased at the amount of time ObKo/Portal got. If you’re going to have a great match with anyone on the roster, you’re best chance in a tag match may be with The Osirian Portal. All three eight man tags sound really good, especially the main event. While Donst getting two pins off of STO’s is a little peculiar, I like that they kept him strong. Jig & Wicked being the last two was a bit predictable, and three members of the Rudo side going without pinning or tapping somebody was quite odd. Squabbles aside, this show sounds must-own for Chikara fans.

.
.

Preshow: Wink is once again wandering about. Attendance is lower than usual, attributed by some to the Eagles game. Gavin Loudspeaker sings a song about Chikara’s rules of conduct. Classy AND informative!
1. Chikara vs. BDK #1: Soldier Ant d. Pinkie Sanchez (9:06). Burning Snicklefritz on Soldier Ant but he kicks out! Crowd goes crazy! TKO into the Chikara Special gets the win for Soldier!
In-Ring Segment: The newly reformed Roughnecks, Brodie Lee & Grizzly Redwood, come out to cut a promo together. Dasher Hatfield & Sugar Dunkerton come out and a wild brawl ensues! Sugar off the top onto the men on the outside! Brodie shoves him into the guardrail! Grizzly powerbombs Dasher! Brodie boots Dunkerton! Next month: Throwbacks vs. Roughnecks!
2. Singles Showdown: Lince Dorado d. Arik Cannon (10:05). In a hellacious match, Dorado upset Cannon via Shooting Star Press, escaping the Chikara Special late in the contest. Tons of dangerous stuff here, but very good.
3. Grudge Tag Rematch: The Olsen Twins d. The UnStable (9:04). Colin’s sporting short hair now & the duo has a new theme song: “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha. Jimmy & Vin beat the living hell outta each other on the outside. Colin Delaney reverses an O’Connor Roll from Gerard with a handful of tights for an Olsen victory in a weird match. Both teams brawled afterwards.
4. Chikara vs. BDK #2: Tim Donst d. Hallowicked (9:04). Donst uses his wrist tape to illegally choke out Wicked to bring the victory home to the BDK.
5. Falls Count Anywhere: Ares d. UltraMantis Black (13:07). Derek Sabato is out as referee. He’s wearing glasses, presumably so no one will hit him. Taking full advantage of the match stipulation, the two hated rivals battle all the way to the Commentation Station. They came back around the Smart Mark table and then brawled outside. Back inside, Tursas tries to interfere, but Mantis takes them both out, DIVING OFF A CHERRY PICKER! WOW! In the ring, UltraMantis kicks out of the Toblerone Driver! OBARIYON & KODAMA ARE OUT! They’re Mantis’s druids…or are they?! A different hooded figure beckons then away before they can do anything! Ares take advantage of the distraction, planting Mantis with a Praying Mantis Bomb onto a chair! ARES WINS! Holy Mother of Zeus.
6. 4-Way Elimination Tag: Quackenbush & Jigsaw d. Death Haze, The Osirian Portal and F.I.S.T (19:38). Lots of hijinks here. Quack does a senton to the outside in honor of Gran Naniwa. RIP. Del Rey & Haze are avoiding getting in the ring at all costs, but they finally do to attack Jigsaw. Jigsaw pins Icarus via brainbuster so he & Chuck Taylor are gone. Point = QuackenSaw. Quack drops Ophidian with an Avalanche Butterfly Suplex and QuackenSaw now has TWO points! It’s them vs. Death Haze for a title shot against the Bruderschaft! Jigsaw drops Haze with Quackendriver Classic! THREE COUNT! Quack & Jigsaw have three points and get a title shot against the BDK! Said to be a really, really good match with lots of great heat and nearfalls.
In-Ring Segment: Da Soul Touchaz are out to announce the winner of a raffle. They cut a promo, saying they have the Bruderschaft’s number. Ares emerges and cuts a promo in German, allowing the BDK to attack from behind. Del Rey piledrives Dymond! Ares DDT’s C.Red & Tursas splashes him from the middle rope!
7. Young Lions Cup: Frightmare© d. Johnny Gargano (12:08). Frightmare retains for the fourth time, needing a top rope version of the Kneecolepsy to finish him off in a great match. Gargano kicks out of three previous standing versions before falling in the end.
8. Dream Main Event: Eddie Kingston d. Homicide (16:33). Kingston wins with Backfist to the Future on Homicide in a somewhat underwhelming main event.
.

Overall Thoughts

In contrast to the Easton show, where I’m most interested in the quality of matches themselves, this Philly show looks like it has some unbelievable moments outside of the matches. I was told that the pull-apart brawl between The Roughnecks and The Throwbacks was the highlight of the first half of the show, and I believe it. The action sounds really insane, and it’s nice to see Chikara incorporate some traditional wrestling moments into shows like this out-of-match brawl. Of course, the drama involving UltraMantis and his druids has just begun. The match itself sounds really fun, but the ending stuff, with Kodama & Obariyon getting beckoned back by a mysterious cloaked person, sounds too cool. The matches, though, still sound very strong on paper, with the Elimination Tag, Dorado/Cannon and the YLC match garnering very high praise. If you ask me, Chikara went two for two this weekend.

.
.

– Please leave any comments or questions you might have and I’ll do my best to respond with as many creepy Romanian incantations as I can conjure. I’d like to do a contest or something cool like that, but I’m not sure how much interest there’d be. Let your voice be heard! Also, let me know if there’s anything you’d like to see in the column, like fantasy booking, treasure hunts, wish-lists, secret handshakes, etc.

.

.