CHIKARMY Insider in a Four Dollar Room! (Detailed Weekend Results)

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CHIKARMY Insider returns once again with a brand new installment into its coverage of the ongoing epic known as Chikara. This week, it features the detailed results from the Chikara’s February shows known as Caught in a Cauldron of Hate and Clutch of Doom, presented as only CHIKARMY Insider dares to: with pantloads of innocuous, superfluous factoids! The results themselves, however, emanated from the Chikara Twitter and various posters on the Chikara 101 message board. So go thank them, because I didn’t. Was Frightmare able to retain his Young Lions Cup for a record-tying fifth time? Did Mike Quackensaw & Jigbush manage to retain their Camper Nachos Diaper Hot Sauce?! Did Max Boyer break his nose during a blizzard while getting arrested for drunkenly stealing a taxi?!?!?! FIND OUT BELOW!
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1. First Time Ever: Claudio Castagnoli d. Dasher Hatfield (10:34). “The Old Timey King of Swing” takes a European Uppercut from Castagnoli and takes a three count right after that. After the match, Claudio called out Eddie Kingston and continued to beat down Dasher, planting him with a Ricola Bomb. Believe it or not (and why wouldn’t you?) but this is Claudio’s first singles match in Chikara since November of 2009. That’s right: his Respect Match against Eddie Kingston. Incidentally, King was also the last person to beat Castagnoli one-on-one, back at Aniversario Yang.
2. In Pursuit of Points: Scott Parker & Shane Matthews d. Vin Gerard & STIGMA (12:03). Jagged & Big Magic kept screwing with the uptight UnStable before Scott caught Vin in a small package to gain the victory. With one more victory, 3.0 earns a title shot. The last two times these teams were in the ring together, they were not only quite notable shows, but both bizarrely involved one Mr. Daniel Bryan. At Hiding in Plain Sight, he teamed with Claudio to take on QuackenSaw in his Chikara farewell. That same show both teams were involved in the now infamous Baseball Game. Nine months later, after his shocking firing, Bryan made his return to the independents against Eddie Kingston at We Must Eat Michigan’s Brain. The main event of the show? 3.0, Equinox & Helios versus F.I.S.T. & The UnStable. What a strange, beautiful, strange world.
3. Good vs. Evil: Icarus d. Gregory Iron (6:32). Evil triumphs, sadly, as Icarus gets the win via the Blu-Ray, his corner Death Valley Driver. This was Ick’s first Chikara singles match in over TWO YEARS, when he faced Lince Dorado at The Global Gauntlet (Night 2). Incidentally, Dorado was Iron’s very first opponent in Chikara, during last year’s YLC Tournament. Back to Icarus and his hilariously long singles match losing streak. His last victory in a one-on-one contest? Heh heh…it was against Player Uno. On Night 2 of King of Trios. IN 2007!!! All added up, it was a losing streak that went exactly four years and two days. WOW.
4. Grudge Match: Brodie Lee d. Sugar Dunkerton (10:10). In an all-out war, “Big Rig” wins via count-out after drilling Dunkerton with a big boot on the floor. Despite his success in Chikara, Sugar has still yet to log a singles victory in the company. The last Chikara match to end in a count-out was Claudio/Kingston from YLCVII (Night 3). Seriously, is there anything that can’t be linked to that feud?
5. KOT 2011 Preview: Amasis, Ophidian & Hieracon d. Fire Ant, Soldier Ant & Green Ant (17:50). The Osirian Portal stays undefeated with their new member, upending The Colony. Amasis used a top rope sunset flip on Green Ant for the victory in Greenie’s first Chikara appearance since getting injured in August. Since The Colony lost in the finals of last year’s King of Trios, Green Ant has not been on a winning side of any contest. Fire & Soldier got injured, too. One might call them cursed…but not me.
6. Young Lions Cup: Frightmare© d. Rich Swann (9:43). Frightmare retains for a fifth time over bound-for-Japan Ronin stable member Swann with the Kneecolepsy. Frightmare set all kinds of records with the win: he tied Max Boyer for the most successful defenses, becomes the first person to win the YLC Tournament and make five consecutive defenses, and he’s the first guy since Helios three years ago to win the YLC in one year and successfully defend it the next. I wanted to say that he’s also the only guy to defend against two members of the same stable…TWICE. However, in yet another strange twist of fate, Hallowicked did the same thing way back in 2003. He bested Akuma & Icarus, Team F.I.S.T., and UltraMantis & ZERO, together known as UltraZERO.
7. Former Champs Collide: Max Boyer d. Tim Donst (0:04). In an absolute shocker, Boyer gets the dubya in record time with a cradle! Seriously, this is the shortest match in Chikara history. Before the contest even started, Hallowicked came out to distract Donst with the scrapbook Tim’s been keeping on the former YLC winners. It was like a child’s book, filled with awful drawings of Chikara wrestlers like Hallowicked himself. The distraction lead directly to the pinfall. So even if he failed to add another victory over a former YLC holder to his resume, at least Big Tim set some kind of record. He quickly took to Twitter, stating, “OK Max Boyer doesn’t count…”. So just like Icarus, I had to find Boyer’s last Chikara victory. It was against Pelle Primeau defending his Young Lions Cup at the 2007 Aniversario! event. He friggin’ retired for a few years and his streak was still shorter than Icks.
8. Singles Showdown: Eddie Kingston d. Johnny Gargano (13:30). Just like with Homicide & El Generico, Kingston beats Gargano following two stiff Backfist to the Futures. Also, the night’s raffle winner had the honor of serving as ring announcer for the contest.
9. Campeonatos de Parejas: Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw© d. Obariyon & Kodama (18:17). The Batiri take the first fall in seven minutes after Obariyon drills Jigsaw with his Deep Impact DDT. Jigsaw gets his pinfall back with a Tornado Clutch on Obariyon, evening it up at a fall a piece. In the end, Quack pinned Kodama with a top rope Quackendriver I to keep the belts around the waists of QuackenSaw. Obariyon stays strong, having only ever been pinned by a lucha cradle, while Kodama is so totally a poor man’s Obariyon. Whatever that means.
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~ Due to unforeseen circumstances, Eddie Kingston vs. Max Boyer has been postponed. That means that there’s a spot on the card for…
1. Teacher vs. Student: Mike Quackenbush d. Green Ant (6:04). In their second singles match against one another, it’s teacher getting the better of student once again as Quack taps Greenie with a sharpshooter. To add to his recent losing streak, Green Ant has still never won a singles match in Chikara. Funny enough though, the first match “Green Ant” ever wrestled was in Japan, where he got a victory in a singles match! Confused? Kaz Miyakami had stolen the outfit and used it to get booked on the shows, so I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count.
2. One on One: Icarus d. Ophidian (8:56). During the match, Icarus tries to get BDK referee Derek Sabato’s help to hypnotize Ophidian. It, uh…it didn’t work. Still, Sabato assists Icarus in the finish, allowing him to choke out Ophidian using the sash from his tights. Icarus impresses with two wins on the weekend. With a new singles title on the way, he may be in the running for the first shot.
3. Two on Two: Dasher Hatfield & Sugar Dunkerton d. Vin Gerard & STIGMA (7:11). The Throwbacks grab point number one over The UnStable after a distraction from 3.0 leads to Dasher landing a slingshot Oklahoma Roll on Gerard for three.
4. Elimination Tag: Amasis/Hieracon d. 3.0, Haze/Delirious & Los Ice Creams (15:08). The first elimination comes after Hijo del Ice Cream is sent crashing into the ring post outside, giving 3.0 a bizarre count-out victory and their third point! There’s a title shot in their future if they can survive! But The UnStable shatters that dream, distracting Parker and allowing Haze to hit the German Suplex for three. No title shot or points for 3.0, and the BDK team sits at one point for the final fall. However, Amasis levels Delirious with a discus forearm and gets the final pinfall! Amasis & Hieracon nab the victory and their first point as a duo. Despite Ophidian’s loss, this was a huge weekend for The Osirian Portal.
5. SHIMMER Showdown: Madison Eagles d. Sara Del Rey (9:24). In an upset, Eagles finally earns her spot by catching Del Rey with a small package for her first ever victory in Chikara.
6. Grudge 6-Man Tag: Obariyon, Kodama & Kobald d. UltraMantis Black, Hallowicked & Frightmare (14:25). The Batiri get back to their winning ways thanks to Obariyon’s Deep Impact DDT on Frightmare. So the war continues and Obariyon may have earned himself a shot at Frightmare’s championship. This is the first time anyone’s pinned Frightmare since he won the Young Lions Cup tournament in August.
7. Chikara vs. BDK: Tim Donst d. Jigsaw (2:00). With lots of help from Derek Sabato, Donst avenges his embarrassing loss the previous night with a win over one half of the Campeones de Parejas, utilizing a pair of Gator Rolls to get the job done. It’s been a long time since Jig lost a singles match; Buck Hawke, then known as Shayne, was the last to get job done. It was August of ’07 during the International Invaders weekend.
8. Tag Team Warfare: Fire Ant & Soldier Ant d. Claudio Castagnoli & Tursas (13:36). Fire Ant catches Castagnoli with a high crossbody off the top the three count and three points! The Colony will be QuackenSaw’s next opponent for the belts.
~ Afterwards, Eddie Kingston storms the ring. He & Claudio Castagnoli go at it as the entire locker room empties to break them up, reminiscent of Claudio/Brodie back at Vanity and Violence. Wink Vavasseur restores order as Castagnoli addresses Kingston. He says he wants the respect he’s owed from Three-Fisted Tales. Eddie says it ain’t happening. They go at it once again and Vavasseur books the match everyone’s been waiting for: Kingston vs. Castagnoli, March 13th in New York! Kingston takes the mike, gives a CHIKARA history lesson and tells Claudio that if they want his respect, he’ll have to end his life!
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– Please leave any comments or questions you might have and I’ll do my best to respond with as many creepy Romanian incantations as I can conjure. I’d like to do a contest or something cool like that, but I’m not sure how much interest there’d be. Let your voice be heard! Also, let me know if there’s anything you’d like to see in the column, like fantasy booking, treasure hunts, wish-lists, secret handshakes, etc.

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