Ten Things Every Wrestling Fan Should Own

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving you delicious morsels!

As much as I wish there was an innumerable amount of hours in each day for me to hang out in my underwear watching wrestling, there isn’t, which is a crushing injustice in the world. Seeing as I work in a retail setting and these are the holidays, I haven’t had time to really sit down and ponder pro-wrestling. So I did a quick column about something I couldn’t be better versed in, obsessive collecting.

Since I first moved from diapers to boxers, only to ultimately decide to stick with diapers, I’ve been a collector. It started with action figures, as a baby mark running down the stairs to get my Ninja Turtles and Biker Mice from Mars on Christmas morning. Then, that quickly became books and movies when I had a job to afford such things; I’d display the alphabetically arranged majesty and sit in a comfortable chair, staring at all my conquests. Now, at 24, I am a wrestling collector. I have the toys and the books now. It feels like I was traded from the minors to the majors of amassing needless piles of junk.

Here is a list of ten things every wrestling aficionado should have in his collection. A short column like I said until I can really sit down and begin on my day to day biography of Koko B. Ware.

1. Wrestling Buddies – Friends are nice to have, but not all of us have that luxury. Some of us are creepy    loners who like to walk around town dressed as Power Rangers; it was for those people who Wrestling Buddies were invented. A plush pal always willing to watch the Tooth Fairy for the forty-third time, unlike living flesh, which tells you the Rock isn’t really a fairy and to stop putting strange street teeth under your pillow. If you weren’t a big fan of the good guys, you could also get the heels of wrestling in case you wanted to work out some frustrations about the stock market, global warming, or Kim who sits behind you in math continually flicking your ears. I still have mine, an old Sting with bone crunching sounds, when I tell him how lonely it is being a young man in our over mechanized world, he lets me know he feels my pain. “Ow you’re breaking my…Arm,” so true stuffed Stinger.

2. Replica Wrestling title belt – We all want to be the champ, as unlikely as it seems even the Mountie wanted to be the champ before leaving the WWF to return to the Alaskan Canadian border to make sure Sarah Palin didn’t sneak across. The reasonably priced and usually beautifully crafted belts allow you to know how it might feel to be on top of the wrestling world staring at the gold while pooping. Having the title slung around your waist may also give you the confidence to ask for that raise, or a date with Beth, especially if you bring the belt and your manager the ghost of Captain Lou Albano.

3. Hulkamania T-shirt – Hulk Hogan should be honored in the agricultural hall of fame, for single-handedly propping up the garment business in the 80’s. Each night he’d rip a shirt in half and show the world that it was ok to destroy your new school clothes in pursuit of a playground crowd pop. He was silently protesting the raising of cotton taxes by destroying those shirts, a real American move if I ever heard of one. That’s why in support of this country which I love so much, I destroyed all of my Hulk Hogan merchandise.

4. Kevin Nash comic book series – I shouldn’t even have to explain this, of all the bizarre wrestling comics there have been over the years, maybe the strangest was the Kevin Nash, maybe. WCW’s early 90’s comic series is far weirder, but it doesn’t feature Kevin Nash in a series of bizarre Fabio like poses. For that reason it doesn’t make it onto my top ten list, but it will be talked about in a later column I assure you. For now go read Nash, because I’m pretty sure it’s biographical, I don’t think it’s legal for comics to lie.

5. Mean Gene Okerlund signed 8×10 – The amount of ridiculous promos Mean Gene has been privy to could form its own testament of the bible. Each morning I kiss my signed photo which hangs above my bed, and hope he gives me the strength to make it through the day.

6. Stone Cold Steve Austin Talking Cardboard Cut-out – I like waking up from a bad dream to the terrifying realization that someone is in the room with me, and are demanding I give them a “hell yeah,” to me it’s comforting.

7. The Wrestling Album – Hit after hit after hit, that’s how I assume all the critics began their review of the Wrestling Album, Rick Berringer the producer on the album unlocked the beautiful angelic voices of the entire roster, painting a wall of sound not even the Superbowl Shuffle could top. It’s best listened to in the arms of a loved one, sipping champagne and silently mouthing the words to Hillbilly Jim’s “Don’t Go Messin’ With a Country Boy” while staring into their eyes. Now that’s what I call romance.

8. Tracy Smothers as your personal assistant – Everyone in the wrestling world it seems has a mutual admiration for the Southern Boy Tracy Smothers, how could you not, he’s a 49 year old man who still jobs to men less than half his age. That’s reason enough to get him as your P.A. also is the fact that you’ll be able to have him answer your door while forcing him to do that surreal F.B.I. dance. We need to get this man off the road and into a comfortable living, adopt him, won’t you?

9. John Cena wristbands – I’m actually hearing booing come from your mind as you read this, but hear me out. John Cena is a pretty big deal to a lot of little lad’s, even I won’t begrudge the man a certain entertainment value. One day those boys will grow up and they will be bankers, or astronauts, and will pay top dollar for those John Cena wristbands, we may not be able to see him, but we can see a business opportunity.

10. Body Slam on VHS – Roddy Pipers first foray into acting is possibly the greatest thing nobody’s ever heard of. Coming out of the A-Team Dirk Benedict wanted to really take his film career to the next level, so he chose to star alongside Captain Lou Albano, Charles Nelson Reilly and Gomez Addams himself, John Astin. The plot is really second billing to the acting depth of Dirk’s down on his luck talent agent Harry Smilac. Through a series of hilarious mishaps he becomes a wrestling promoter and works to take his tag team (Piper and Sam Fatu) to the world tag team championship, that’s about all that happens, and there’s some cheesy 80’s pop metal. All the while he’s attempting to woo Donnas’ mom from ‘That 70’s Show’, yeah I kid you not. You do your brain a disservice by not having seen it

Sure these may not be on everyone’s list, but this isn’t everyone’s column, so shut it fanboys. Collecting is maybe what I care about most because it’s a piece of wrestling I can put on a shelf and stare at. Occasionally when you’ve had a bad day, and are perhaps feeling listless or lost it can be important to be surrounded by things you enjoy.