Royal Rumble Ramblings: 1988-1993

It’s that time of year, our stockings are hung by the fireplace, our hams are in the oven, Santa Claus is downing whiskey to stop himself from getting “overly” excited about the children on his lap. Christmas is here, and that means one thing to us wrestling fanboys, (I’d say fangirls as well, but attractive dames who like wrestling would be beyond a Christmas miracle), it means the Royal Rumble is upon us once again. Like the tradition of decorating the Christmas tree, or for the Jewbilee’s out there, lighting the Menorah, the Royal Rumble is a tradition that has stood the test of time. Twenty-five years to be exact, and what better way to celebrate that anniversary then me, handsome Richard Sopko as I’m known, to review six Rumbles a week from the beginning to help you understand why it’s my favorite PPV of the year and deserves to be the beginning of the road to Wrestlemania. For each year I’ll also give you three things to look for, which you’re probably too dumb to see without me telling you.

1988:

The inaugural Rumble only features twenty men, and is more focused on the contract signing for the rematch between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant, then the battle royal. Typical of 80’s WWF, there is equal parts wrestling (Steamboat versus Rick Rude’s caterpillar upper-lip, put on a great match to start the show), and long boring carnival attractions, (Dino Bravo weightlifting for fifteen minutes.) Jesse Ventura, who committed the fashion faux-pas of wearing tie-dye with zebra print, is on commentary with Vincent K. McMahon. Jesse fills us with the wisdom and insight that makes him such an effective governor. Knowing he’s such a conspiracy theorist, I keep waiting for him to say, “The Glamour Girls look great in there, and the holocaust never happened.” The contract signing is as CM Punk said a few weeks ago the oldest cliché in the books. This one is exactly how he described, they sign the contract, Hogan gets punched, Andre flips the table, and it’s over. The Rumble match is only twenty men, and is dragging in its entirety aside from the moments with Duggan the eventual winner who’s like a drooling aged dog who only knows one trick, starting “USA” chants, entertaining though.

1. Woman in the front row with the bullhorn, as Vince McMahon notes, she’s out mouthing the mouth of the south. She also may have a severe mental handicap. Unfortunately they take her bullhorn after the opening match, proving that the WWF and Mussolini’s Italy are basically the same.

2. The managers, Frenchy Martin, Jimmy Hart, Bobby the Brain, this was when ringside accompaniment meant something, usually that was, somebody’s getting powdered eyes. What the hell was Frenchy even supposed to be? In his smock and monocle he looks like an evil French Canadian public school art teacher.

3. Virgil as the sleeveless, silent, money-waving, comment on racial tension in America.

1989:

For the second Rumble we open with a strong match and then descend into madness. I’m almost positive Jesse Ventura is dressed this time like Sly Stallone in Rocky, if Rocky was a flamboyant Broadway musical. With him on commentary the great Gorilla Monsoon, continually commenting on the physique of the wrestlers as though he’s your creepy uncle, saying he’d like to see you at the beach dripping wet. Six men, two out of three falls match that starts the show is an entertaining one but what follows the pose off between Rick Rude and Ultimate Warrior is when things start to get…weird. Bobby the Brain oiling down Rick Rude really doesn’t seems strange, compared to the otherworldliness of the Warrior, he is so roided up my testicles started shriveling just by looking at him. He grunts and shouts throughout the pose off with the wild eyes of a man who just chewed through a child’s neck. Throughout the night backstage segments are presented hyping the Rumble, these alone are a reason to watch, there’s no sense of being too camp when everyone acts equally like they’re on drugs. So throughout it’s a shambling assemblage of people who don’t understand their gimmicks saying laughably stupid things about how they’re going to win the Rumble. When we get to the Rumble it’s the Mega Powers exploding, then reassembling in the span of thirty seconds. Other than that brief interruption nothing stands out really, it’s a clodding affair but the ending with Dibiase and Big John Studd being the last two in the ring stands up, and just further causes me to wonder why Dibiase’s feathered hair doesn’t have a cult based around his magnificence.

1. Female wrestler Judy Martin is the ugliest woman who ever lived. She’s what I imagine the witch in Hansel & Gretel would have looked like had the story taken place in a trailer park in Alabama. She’s your grandma if your grandma has a five pack a day habit and a horrible dye job.

2. Brutus the Barber Beefcake is the worst wrestler of all time. Thus solving the equation, “Rhinestone gloves + Mullet + Chubby face + Only there because you’re Hulk Hogan’s friend = ?”

3. The doctor of style, Slick. Does he even have teeth? I don’t know many crack heads intimately, but I imagine Slick would be high on the hierarchy of street fiends if he wasn’t leading the Twin Towers to the ring. I have two questions a. where did he attend medical school? b. how does he maintain such an awesome Jheri Curl?

1990:

In 1990 the Rumble was bigger, louder, and Bushwhack…ier… Finally in the opening match those with mental handicaps are celebrated for their athletic achievements. The Bushwhackers and the Rougeaus prove in the opening, that biting your opponent is hilarious and endearing regardless of how many times you do it.  Tony Schivone usually recognized for being the voice of WCW is on the mic with the Body this time. It’s actually a little disorienting at first seeing as I came to know him so well from trying to put over guys like Glacier. The easiest way to explain the Rugged Ronnie Garvin/Greg Valentine submission match is by imagining two grandpas’ in their undies too old to fight but refusing to give up. Still it’s an entertaining match, worth a viewing in my perfect, never wrong opinion. A Brother Love segment follows and is what a job interview with Satan would be like if Satan had a pension for white leisure suits. Sometimes I think that a match like Big Bossman and Hacksaw Jim Duggan would never get onto a PPV in 2011, and then I realize, Mark Henry and the Big Show have feuded for months proving there’s never going to be any standards in workrate if you’re physically large. I’d also like to recommend that Bossman tuck his shirt in, he looks very unprofessional with it flopping all about. For the main event, because of a series of well timed star entrants and eliminations the crowd’s energy stays high throughout which makes it all very exciting, it’s a great Rumble match all around. I’m sure they wanted that final face off between Warrior and Hogan to be some sort of great meeting but I felt relieved when Rick Rude broke up their stare-down, not just because I enjoy his colorful wrestling attire but because he put them out of their misery.

1. The Genius has one hell of a sexy voice. He’s also a hell of a showman, even though I’m not sure many would agree with me. Lanny Poffo is how I’d picture Freddie Mercury and Richard Little having a baby who loved to write limericks. His match with Brutus Beefcake couldn’t be more homoerotic if they had gotten naked and humped while Cher played on the arena speakers.

2. Why the hell are you dancing? I never got the Dusty Rhodes in polka dots thing, it was about embarrassing or belittling him one of the two, and whoever Sapphire was is baffling but I would one day like to seek her out, and give her a hug for not lighting herself on fire out of embarrassment, but as you’ll see next year, we end up missing the girl.

3. Just another bat-shit crazy Ultimate Warrior promo. It’s about, stacking people in a pile, Hulk Hogan, and no man shall make a pact with…other people, throw in some Alberto Del Rio talk about destiny, and you’ve got just another Warrior promo.

1991:

Finally the match-up we’ve all been begging for Sgt. Slaughter and Ultimate Warrior. This entire PPV seems to be a big pro-America rally, from the opening national anthem playing, to the well wishes of the troops, I get it Slaughter was naughty and loved Hussein, but come on, the Ultimate Warrior is not a good representation of this country. We’re not all greased-up incomprehensible meatheads, at least not outside the Jersey Shore. Continuing with great opening matches the Rockers and the New Orient Express put on a tag team clinic, setting the tone for the rest of the show. Between last year and now, the Big Bossman is now a face, fighting the Barbarian’s very chic fur-lined boots and trunks, which may be the first pair of Ugg boots he’s wearing. Reasons for Slaughter being the villain aren’t clearly defined but may have to do with his love of the Sheiks elf shoes. One reason, he claims, the Warrior is too chaotic, but as Jeff Goldblum taught us in Jurassic Park, “chaos always prevails over order, unless Randy Savage comes out and interferes.” Ten seconds into the Rhodes-Money Inc. match, I already miss Dusty Rhodes’ polka dot trunks. He definitely traded down when teaming with his son and not the vivacious two-stepper and original diva Sapphire. At the end of the match Virgil is emancipated from Dibiase when he hits him with the Million Dollar Belt, it’s the same way the Civil War ended, I think. As far as the Rumble  this is one of weaker ones, it has no peaks, not many exciting moments or big surprises, Hogan wins for a second year in a row. If there’s one you could miss out of this week’s six, it’s this one, but for the Ultimate Warrior and Sgt. Slaughter match/promos the show as a whole should be checked out. Also as a final note, you can see a young Shane McMahon as a ringside referee during the Royal Rumble.

1. Roddy Piper uses the Dusty Rhodes style of color commentating, regardless of what’s happening he acts like it’s the greatest thing he’s ever seen. A lesser commentator would be putting over the main event or later matches in the opener but Piper yells about every move like they just invented the suplex.

2. The seduction of the Ultimate Warrior. Sensational Sherri gets dirty with the Warrior all for the chance to get the Macho Man a title shot. What starts out as just a pretty standard female manager offering “favors” to get her guy matches becomes beyond uncomfortable viewing. When she gets on her knees and we see the Warrior looming over her like a bear on it’s back legs to show dominance I genuinely feel uncomfortable like a man who’s looking into the Warriors bedroom every time he brings home a ring-rat.

3. The Mounties’ first PPV match. As if it wasn’t obvious by him being Canadian, the Mountie was a heel who used a cattle prod on his opponents post match, because that’s how Canada rolls. The best part of the match is without a doubt Jimmy Hart trash talking Koko B. Ware’s bird. In the end the Mountie gets his man, but Jacques Rougeau will never get back his dignity.

1992:

This year it’s not just for the pride of telling your buddies you’ve thrown 29 sweaty dudes over a bunch of rope, it’s for a big shiny gold belt, the WWF championship. This was the first PPV I saw that wasn’t a part of the Attitude Era, I got it in on Coliseum VHS for Christmas in 2002, so it holds a special place in my heart, also I think it stands up as one of the top 3 Rumbles of all time but please feel free to disagree, I relish the arguments. This year the gimmicks are out of control, Repo Man, Skinner, and Irwin R. Schyester are in their first rumble. The first great moment is when Rowdy Roddy Piper insinuates that the Mountie is having wet dreams about him and his manhood, vintage Roddy. The match itself is equally fun, the crowd is hot, and it ends with the Mountie get the cattle prod jammed into his skull killing him instantly, ok maybe not, just seeing if you’re paying attention. Bushwhackers vs. the Beverly Brothers follow. The Beverly’s look like blonde mullet sporting, cape wearing, extraterrestrials, even their names Beau and Blake are what I’d imagine aliens would call themselves to seem human. The Natural Disasters may not be a very technically proficient tag-team but, compared to some giants both Typhoon and Earthquake are heads above, both literally and figuratively. Earthquake also has the hair of Hulk Hogan and the beard of a hobo, a damn good look. Although the Legion of Doom retained the titles on a disqualification, the ensuing mayhem definitely put over both teams with the crowd. “This isn’t fair to Flair!” should be in the lexicon of great wrestling sayings right up there with “Oh you didn’t know?” The Brains frantic worrying of Ric Flair’s condition is just one reason this is a great match, it has the same thing 1990’s had, great placement of stars and eliminations. It’s just a few punches that separate a great Royal Rumble from a disappointing one, this one knew exactly when to jab, keeping the arena roaring. As I said this match introduced me in one shot to all the big stars of the period, and I can watch it a hundred times and still be entertained at how it all comes together.

1. The New Hart Foundation, Rocket Owen Hart and the Anvil, try to prove you can be successful in wrestling even though you’re dressed like Aladdin. They and the Orient Express open the show, the match is disjointed and never really hits its stride but Owen showed signs of greatness even in his checker headband.

2. Lord Afred Hayes, I’m still in disbelief he was a judo master and wrestler himself, his lilting voice and flinching personality made him seem like a child news reporter who won the chance to interview a wrestler.

3. This was the year the Rockers broke up and the Heartbreak Kid put Marty Jannety through the Barber Shop window. Many references are made to it during the night including a clip before a Michaels promo, surprising to consider him being put over considering there were more established stars we didn’t hear from at all. Michaels puts on a great showing which he wouldn’t outdo in a Rumble until 1995.

1993:

The last piece of the Royal Rumble legend falls into place in 1993 starting this year the winner of the match gets a title shot at Wrestlemania. 93’ is also important because of the shift from the Rock’n Wrestling years to the dark endless tunnel that was the WWF prior to 98’. Lots of men had left for WCW or other various greener pastures. Bret Hart had become world champion, Scott Hall had inserted a toothpick and became “the bad guy” Razor Ramon, and Shawn Michaels was still fighting Marty Jannety. The “sexy boy” theme that Shawn has used for decades was originally sung by Sensational Sherri, and aside from the Intercontinental title being on the line so too are we wondering who Sherri is supporting. Well, I’m not wondering I couldn’t care less, but I’m hate-filled and jaded, so Marty Jannety will never matter to me. What I did like was Shawn Michaels almost hitting Sherri backstage, high-five for abuse. Apologies for the language but it needs to be said, “Razor Ramon, why the fuck were you so popular?” You’re like a Scarface gimmick right? Then why do you act like a drunk smarmy Spanishguy trying to pick-up underage girls? Maybe it’s just me, but Scott Hall never did it for me. Besides the too often appearance of the Hart clan during his years as champion Bret Hart was the consummate professional in that ring and made guys like Ramon look much more dynamic then they were. As I said, Stu and Helen at ringside was done way too often for it maintain any sort of impact, even during his feud with Owen. Julius Caesar and Cleopatra come out to declare Wrestlemania is going to be corny and ridiculous, or something along those lines. Many new faces fill in the Rumble, Bob Backlund, a wrestling version of comic’s Archie spends almost the entirety of the match in the Rumble coming in at number 2 and staying in over an hour. This was the first time I saw Max Moon, formerly Kato then Paul Diamond in ECW. He’s wearing gear that seems to have been designed by the Mortal Combat game on a large amount of hallucinogenic mushrooms. Yokozuna ends up the winner because of girth alone, eliminating Macho Man Randy Savage in a symbolic meeting of the past and the future.

1. Seeing the Steiners in the WWF is weird, but I feel like that about almost all of the WCW talent that was briefly in the WWF during the constant talent trading of those years. I love the Steiners as I’ve said before in this column, but they’re WCW wrestlers, they fought Harlem Heat and the

2. Bam Bam Bigelow has maybe the worst entrance music of all time; it’s just him screaming “Bam Bam” There have been some awful entrance songs and wrestling related albums but his theme is even worse than the Rock’s song “Pie” which I still have on CD. A compact disc or CD is like an MP3 but round and shiny, for all the readers under fifteen, my target demographic.

3. The Narcissist Lex Luger is revealed as he poses for 5 minutes in front of mirrors and Bobby the Brain Heenan reaches orgasm on the microphone. It makes for creepy viewing, unless you’re a repressed gay man who watches wrestling and tells his wife it’s because he loves the athletic competition.

Next week, for those who can’t count, Royal Rumble Ramblings 1994-1999, hope you enjoyed the first 6 years, I know I did.