Chikara DVD Review: A Touch of Class

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Chikara DVD Review:

A Touch of Class

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.1. Grudge Match: Pinkie Sanchez vs. Green Ant – ***1/4
Pinkie cut a really mediocre promo before the match, but man was the picture perdy on the DVD! Still, it was just yelling and whining, forced laughter and rambling nonsense, so I’m squarely in Green Ant’s corner. New ring announcer is Gavin Loudspeaker, who looks a lot like Louden Noxious with a beard. Actually it is Louden, but ever since he and Dasher Hatfield got electrocuted, he’s been saying that he’s Gavin, a former persona of Louden’s that he’s sung about in the past. BDK also debuts a new ring announcer, who speaks in a whiny German accent, like a Die Hard villain on helium. Pinkie and Green Ant circle to start and Greenie unleashes three consecutive dropkicks, followed by three consecutive bodyslams for an early two. Green Ant hits a big splash on Pinkie in the corner, and Pinkie takes a really stupid bump. Not dangerous…just stupid. Greenie goes for his cloverleaf, but Pink Ant breaks free and hits a running polish hammer. Shades of the nefarious Carpenter Ant. Pinkie and Green Ant go to the apron, where Pinkie tries an apron Beach Break! But Greenie breaks free and clotheslines Sanchez back in. Pinkie rolls through a sunset flip and hits a very stiff boot to his former stablemate. Green Ant recovers, low-bridging Pinkie out and nailing a HUGE crossbody off the top to Pinkie on the floor! Green Ant chops Pinkie around the ringside. Green Ant gets two back inside. Pinkie counters a whip with a mask pull and a really nice reverse dragon leg whip, twisting Green Ant’s knee. Pinkie comes back with a chinbreaker-style armbreaker, if that makes any sense, and an armwrench kick to his elbow. Pinkie taunts Greenie, stomping his head while doing the Carpenter Ant pose…but Green Ant rolls through into a seated ankle lock. Pinkie gets to the ropes, but now Green Ant is fired up. He hits a big boot to Pinkie’s head, but Sanchez stops him with a nasty sweep kick. Pinkie teases a butt attack, but pulls back and kicks him. Nobody cares though. Bryce Remsburg mentions that Eddie Kingston doesn’t even have a match tonight, but he’s still on commentary. Hmmm. Pinkie and Greenie trade strikes and Kingston is loving Green Ant’s strikes. Pinkie gets the better of the exchange, hitting a leaping knee drop. Green Ant tries to fight back, but Pinkie hits a leaping hip drop with a crappy pin for two. Pinkie goes for headbutts, but Green Ant absorbs the attacks and gives Pinkie a taste of his own brand. Pinkie reverses an Irish whip into an eye rake. He hit’s a running boot that sends Green Ant outside. Pink tells the crowd to move in preparation for a suplex, but he just throws Green Ant into the apron instead, laughing at them. Green Ant and “Pink Ant” head up top where Greenie pushes Sanchez off and nails a diving headbutt to a standing Pinkie! He ducks a clothesline and nails a twisting springboard headbutt in the same manner! 1…2…Pinkie kicks out. Green Ant gets the cloverleaf, but Pinkie immediately rolls it up for two. Green Ant tries for it again, but Pinkie grabs the ropes…so Green Ant just jerks him up and slams him! 1…2…No! COLVERLEAF IS FINALLY LOCKED IN! Pinkie manages to get to the ropes though, and Green Ant is gutted. Pinkie blocks a German Suplex attempt, but eats to huge slaps from Green Ant. Greenie comes off the ropes and eats a buzzsaw kick from Pinkie, who calls for a Burning Hammer. Just don’t, Pinkie. GREEN ANT COUTNERS INTO A SHEER-DROP WRIST-CLUTCH OLYMPIC SLAM! He doesn’t cover though. He heads north and hits a huge body splash off the top! One…Two…Pinkie kicks out. Really? Pinkie has a stupid smirk on face. Green Ant calls for the finish, possibly an Emerald Flowsion, but Pinkie hits a sloppy spin kick taking him down. Burning Hammer from Pinkie, planting Green Ant on his head in an insanely dangerous way. Pinkie gets the three count. Ugh. Green Ant looked brilliant, working well in his gimmick and drawing big cheers from the crowd. Pinkie was alright. His facial expressions weren’t the best, but Chikara may have asked him to do more than he’s capable. He got very good heat, though he and Greenie both probably benefited from the card placement. Memo to Chikara: NO. BURNING. HAMMERS. The finish sucked the life completely out of me. The fans went nuts over it, but I sincerely don’t care. Screw the finish, and screw Pinkie’s fake insanity nonsense. It was good in-ring work by both men, the heat between them felt genuine, and Kingston really sold their offense on commentary. But the match was poorly booked and the ending killed a lot of what they did for me. I can think of many better ways to finish this match, and none of them involve pilfering the biggest and most revered finisher in wrestling history. Others will rate this far higher than I, but I take my Burning Hammer bidniz seriously.
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2. The UnStable vs. Sugar Dunkerton, Player Uno & Create-A-Wrestler – **1/2
The UnStable immediately start brawling, with Vin and CAW actually brawling to the back. Colin takes control of Sugar, but Dunkerton gets free with and kicks him. Kicks him right in butt. Punches from Sugar, and a knockout blow, followed up with a “Pants on the Ground” elbow drop. I scrubbed my eyes and rewound it just to make sure, but it happened. STIGMA and Uno in, and Uno shows some agility with a nice leg lariat. He and Sugar hit a double back elbow. Sugar gets tied up by a returning Gerard, and he gets worked over by The UnStable. Ultimo Breakfast shows up, and it seems that CAW is still glitching from the electrocution.  Sugar hits a step-up enzuigiri and tags to Player Uno, who cleans house. Uno gets hit from behind by Vin Gerard, which allows Ultimo in. He gets hit with a Russian legsweep, but counters a corner charge and goes up top. The UnStable keep him out of the ring, so Ultimo Breakfast…leaves. I’d hypothesize that he left his toaster on but…he keeps it right on top of his head. So…who knows. This leaves it 2 on 3; for all of you mathematic sorcerers out there, those odds be uneven. Uno gets the bits kicked out of him for a time, until they throw him out, forcing a hurt Dunkerton to come in. Sugar gets beaten, and there’s no one he can tag…UNTIL DASHER HATFIELD SHOWS UP TO AN ENORMOUS OVATION! Sweet Tim Traveling DeLoreans! Sugar counters a tombstone piledriver and gets the tag! Dasher decimates everyone in his sights, setting up for the CHARGE in the corner, but he’s forced to elbow STIGMA down and grab Vin, hitting a sloppy exploder into the corner that grazes Vin. Ugh, more unnecessary booking. A CHARGE splash there and the place would have exploded. Vin is covered. 1…2…Colin punts Dasher right in the face to break the count.  The entire UnStable stalk Dasher, but Uno and Sugar take out STIGMA and Vin. Colin realizes he and Hatfield are alone, and they go at. Colin tries a ground lariat, but Dasher blocks with knees. Dasher hits a back mule kick and puts Colin on the top rope! GRAND SLAM! 1…2…3! Dasher Hatfield touches them all! Er…he won. “Touches them all”, in baseball terms…forget I said that. The Throwbacks and Uno win a really fun match-up. The exploder spot aside, this was a smart and pretty fun way to get Dasher back in. I understand that the CAW contest may have to be on hold, but Dasher was simply too good a gimmick to let go of, as were the Throwbacks duo.
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3. Daizee Haze & Sara Del Rey vs. The Osirian Portal – ***
The Portal are over in Philly like their full names are Amasis Howard and Ophidian Utley. This does not please the venomous ladies, and Del Rey attacks Amasis to start, and she and Haze double team Ophidian with a tandem suplex for two. Death Rey hits some nasty kicks to Ophidian, and once again attacks Amasis. Ophidian matrix dodges a boot and tags Amasis, who springboards in and immediately gets the snot kicked out of him. Amasis slaps Sara a few times, and he & Ophidian hit a tandem springboard shoulderblock, sending Del Rey to the floor. Haze comes in and challenges the guys to bring it. They charges and she ducks, allowing Del Rey to trip them up. A double dropkick from Haze sends Ophidian to the floor and grounds Amasis. Death Haze are relentless with their strikes! They hit a tandem suplex, and Haze suplexes Del Rey onto Amasis for two. Del Rey decks Ophidian on the apron and delivers a wrist-clutch kick to Amasis. He’s tries to fight out of the corner, but the ladies just swarm him with vicious strikes. Haze applies a nasty camel clutch and Del Rey follows with a dropkick. Amasis eventually wriggles free and tags Ophidian who nails a crossbody on Del Rey and a back heel kick on Daizee. Ophidian ducks a clothesline from Daizee, but Del Rey turns him inside out with a boot! Amasis hits Del Rey with a top rope shoulderblock, taking both out.  Ophidian counters an Irish whip but throwing Haze out onto Amasis and Death Haze. Ophidian heads up top and takes everybody out with a crossbody. Haze is alone against the Portal. Roaring elbow from Amasis. Spin Kick from Ophidian right to Daizee’s face! STO FROM AMASIS SNAPS HER LIKE A GRAHAM CRACKER! 1…2…Daizee kicks out! The crowd is WAY behind The Portal. They go for the pyramid superplex, but Del Rey kicks Ophidian in the gut as he was flipping onto his partner’s shoulders. Swinging DDT from Haze takes out Amasis. Ophidian gets hammered with rapid-fire elbows, and eats a brutal kick to the head. A PILEDRIVER FROM DEL REY IS IMMEDIATELY TRANSITIONED INTO A BRIDGING GERMAN FROM HAZE! 1…2…3! The Portal have been defeated! Well that was absolutely brutal. The Portal looked like they just walked away from a car wreck. Kudos to them for putting over Death Haze as relentless lunatics. After watching, you can’t help but by them as future tag belt contenders. And that finisher…my word.  It needs a name, though, like…the…Match…Winner. I’ll work on it. The bout was short, but it was vicious and did everything it needed to and then some. Disjointed at times, but it’s well worth your time.
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4. Brodie Lee vs. Hallowicked – ***1/4
Brodie chases off Loudspeaker for some reason. This is his first appearance in the company! What could he possibly have against him? Frightmare accompanies his mentor to the ring. Brodie immediately tosses ‘Wicked aside to get a hold of Frightmare, but Hallowicked comes right back with elbows. Lee once again tosses him away, only to eat a leaping knee and a step-up rana, sending him outside. Tope from ‘Wicked…but Brodie just swats him way. Brodie picks him back up and drives him into the guardrail. Back inside, Brodie gets pins for two. Brodie chucks ‘Wicked and once again stalks Frightmare. He tracks down Hallowicked and beats him up at ringside. Back in, Hallowicked east a few chops but counters a charge with a big boot.  Hallowicked clotheslines both Brodie and himself outside as well. Brodie counters with a slap. He drops Hallowicked throat first on a guardrail and sets him up against the post to chop him. ‘Wicked moves and Brodie chops the post! Hallowicked rolls him back in and they both go up to the top. Brodie takes Hallowicked off with an Avalanche Butterfly Suplex! 1…2…Hallowicked kicks out. Frightmare is rallying the fans around his “big brother”. Hallowicked is once again sent to the floor, where Brodie teases a powerbomb on the floor. Hallowicked reverses and puts him on his shoulders, but Lee wriggles free and shoves ‘Wicked gut-first into the ring steps. Le once again goes after Frightmare, but gives up and rolls Hallowicked back in. ‘Wicked gets sent to the apron, where he ducks a boot to Lee, who crotches himself on the top turnbuckle. Hallowicked runs on the apron and give him a glancing Yakuza Kick, sending both to the floor. Hallowicked dives through the ropes onto Brodie! Brodie is rolled back in and ‘Wicked goes up top. Senton…no Swanton…well, he kind of overshot him. Hmmm…I DECLARE IT A STEM-TON BOMB! 1…2…Brodie kicks out! Hallowicked off the ropes…Superkick from Lee! HALF NELSON SUPLEX! 1…2…Hallowicked kicks out! Brodie mock fires a shotgun at Hallowicked and DRILLS him with a big boot in the corner. Swinging Sideslam! 1…2…Hallowicked gets the shoulder up again! ‘Wicked reverses  a corner whip and goes for the running knee strike, but Brodie catches him and hits a powerbomb with the deepest most painful-looking jackknife pin I’ve ever seen! 1…2…Hallowicked finds a way to kick out! DA POWAH OF DA STEM! A frustrated Brodie grabs Frightmare, pulls him up to the apron and just boots him right off. Yakuza from Hallowicked, followed by another to the back of the head that sends Brodie into the corner. Hallowicked does the mock shotgun blast that Brodie did, but hits a much less convincing boot, and follows it up with the Rydeen Bomb! 1…2…3. Hallowicked bests big Brodie Lee. This was a ton of fun. Like the previous match, this was pretty damn stiff, or it was for Hallowicked anyway. Brodie looked fine because most of ‘Wicked’s Yakuza kicks showed major air, a problem that seems to plague him quite a lot. In the immortal words of Patches O’Houlihan, you gotta get mean. You gotta get angry! It’s admirable that Hallowicked would go to such lengths to spare his opponent punishment, but it just looks bad. Still, both guys looked good outside of the glaring difference in the strength of their kicks, and the crowd was molten in support for Hallowicked.
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5. The Neo-Solar Temple vs. Grizzly Redwood, Pelle Primeau & Andy Ridge – **1/4
This is a ridiculous match, but it’s always good when Grizz and Pelle get bookings. I’m not terribly familiar with Andy Ridge, but I’ve heard he has a right leg. Looks like he has the left, too. Under the orders of UltraMantis Black, Delirious attacks Redwood to start. He disposes of Grizz quickly, but Pelle comes in and takes him out with top rope dropkick. Bryce wonders on commentary if The Order has lost a trios match since Delirious joined them. They did, to The Colony in the main event of “Never Kneel at the Altar of Conformity”. UltraMantis comes in but he’s immediately taken out with a headscissors. Crossbones finally takes care of Pelle, and he and Mr. Ridge trade strikes. A dropkick drops Crossbones. Delirious ambushes Andy from behind and calls for Praying Mantis Bomb. Ridge stops it with a sole butt kick, and Grizzly comes in, immediately eating a standing chokebomb. Crossbones gets the tag, where he & The Order come in and dismantle Grizzly as a unit. It’s called bonding, kids. A Samoan drop from Crossbones and a standing suplex from Crossbones puts him down. Mantis tags in, where he and Crossbones hit a series of moves and looked more organized than I’ve ever seen them. A crossbones covers for two after a kick / neckbreaker combination. A leg drop gets him another two. Redwood finally hits a counter logroll and tags in Pelle, who drills Mantis with a step-up rana and a stalling bulldog for two. Delirious and Crossbones come in, but Ridge disposes of them with a thunderous superkick to Crossbones and a Yakuza Kick to Delirious. Sliding Kick to Delirious! 1…2…UltraMantis breaks it up. Crossbones goozles Ridge and the entire Order hit him with a triple team chokeslam. Andy is dumped to the floor, and they turn their attention to Grizzly Redwood. He drills Mantis with punches in the corner, but Crossbones sets him on his shoulders. Buckle Bomb! PANIC ATTACK! Grizz is done. Pelle leaps in and takes Mantis out with a top rope tornado DDT. 1…2…Crossbones drags Pelle out and tosses him into the guardrail. Delirious pulls Ridge back in, where Crossbones hits Andy with a leaping enzuigiri and Delirious nails a cobra clutch suplex! Delirious calls for the Praying Mantis Bomb, but his boss says he wants the pinfall. Delirious does not object, and UltraMantis Black hits his Praying Mantis Bomb for three! It was pretty amusing, but the finish was never really in doubt. This is one of those forgettable, innocuous match-ups that may turn out to be significant in the future storyline-wise. Chikara loves doing that.
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6. Young Lions Cup: Player Dos vs. Tim Donst – ***3/4
Tim Donst cuts another outstanding promo before this, making Pinkie’s look like something you’d find in a twelve year old’s journal. It had purpose, felt genuine and wasn’t the same thing you hear every damn promo. I dare say that Donst is slowly become Chikara’s second best promo guy, just behind…do you really need to be told who? I didn’t think so. Donst charges Dos before the bell and eats a superkick! Who you foolin’, Timmy? Not Dos, no sir. Dos and Donst brawl around the arena. Donst gets sent into the ring steps, but he dodges them and poses for the crowd. Dos leaps to the steps and hits a seated senton to Donst on the floor! Donst gets rolled inside, and Dos looks for the Frog Splash. Donst rolls out to the floor, so Dos hits him with a big crossbody! The fans chant for Dos, but Donst uses the distraction to pull Dos face first into the ringpost. Back inside, Donst taunts Dos and takes it to him with strikes and…a purple nurple. The camera zooms in on Dos’ nipples, just so you know that it was legit. Great stuff. Dos rolls out to the floor and grabs Dos, hitting him with an apron-hung backbreaker on the outside. Donst slams Dos’ head into the apron a few times before getting one himself. Donst continues his assault inside, hitting rolling gutwrench suplexes for two. Dos counters a corner whip into a leaping splash, but Donst fires back with a belly-to-belly suplex that saw him pull Dos over the top rope from the apron. 1…2…Dos kicks out. He slaps on a grounded cravat, transferring it into a neckbreaker for another two. A “skidmark” chant starts due to an unfortunately-located brown stain that formed on Big Tim’s tights from all the brawling. Donst hits a running hip attack in the corner and follows it up with a uranage backbreaker. It’s apparently called “The Donst Cap”. That’s just ridiculous. Donst is distracted by the crowd yet again, and Dos is finally able to capitalize with a modified reverse DDT. Dos send him off the ropes, but Donst counters into an STO! 1…2…Dos gets the shoulder up. DONST SLAPS ON THE HYDRALOCK! But Donst doesn’t have the raw strength of Hydra, so Dos breaks it and nails a leaping enzuigiri. Dos off the ropes…no! Donst grabs him before he gets going and applies a Hydralock with a bodyscissors! The crowd is begging for Dos to stay alive! He elbows out of the Hydralock, but Donst catches him with a run-behind bulldog! DONSTITUTION! 1…2…Dos somehow kicks out! Dos and Donst trade strikes, the crowd squarely behind Player Dos. The crowd, by the way, is the biggest non-King of Trios attendance in Chikara history. Donst tries the run-behind again, but Dos ducks it and hits a step-up enzuigiri. Release Dragon Suplex sends Donst to the floor! Bullet tope from Dos! He rolls Donst back in and is feeling Froggy, but Donst gets to his feet. Tope Rope Leg Lariat on Donst! 1…2…Donst kicks out! CHIKARA SPECIAL ON DONST! But Tim knows the counter, so he manages to break free. SDT FROM DONST! 1…2…DOS KICKS OUT! The SDT was Vökoder’s killer finish, so Donst is bewildered and furious. Dos counters a charge with a big running dropkick! Standing B13! DOS HITS THE FROG SPLASH…but Donst gets the knees up and blocks! DONTS LOCKS ON THE INVERTED CHIKARA SPECIAL! There is no known counter to the move, so Player Dos is forced to tap out! “Kapitän Amerika” is you new Young Lions Cup champion! Really awesome match. The whole show has been elevated somewhat because of the fantastic crowd, and this match is the best example of this. The crowd was all over Donst and chanted for Dos like they were being paid. I can harsh on booking, but I have no complaints
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7. Mike Quackenbush & The Future is Now vs. The Bruderschaft – ****1/4
It’s Quack, Equinox, Jigsaw, and Lince Dorado against Claudio Castagnoli, Ares, Tursas…and a mystery fourth man. This is the Chikara wrestling debut of the 6’7” Tursas, and possibly Ares’ as well. I didn’t research, so I can’t be sure. Bruderschaft out first and Quack & friends follow with haste…but Lince turns on Equinox, slamming him back-first on the ring steps! Lince Dorado is the mystery member of BDK! Traitorous Hellcat! Quack and Jig try to go after him, but they are immediately stopped and beaten down by Claudio & company. Lince’s screaming into the camera, “Now I’ll give you a reason to boo me!” Jigsaw is disposed of, leaving Quackenbush by himself. Tursas tosses Quack onto Ares knee in a gutbuster, and Claudio immediately takes him over with a gutwrench suplex. He does the same to Jigsaw when he gets in. With Equinox incapacitated, this is a four-on-two onslaught. Tursas and Claudio press slam Jigsaw high into the air and Ares catches him coming down with an ace crusher! Mother Goose! Bryce finally restores order, with Tursas nailing an effortless powerslam on Quack. Man, Tursas is absolutely humongous. Lince looks out of place amongst his white-attired teammates. Ares is in and nails a stalling spinebuster. Tursas is back in, clubbing away at Quack. Quack fires back with chops, but Tursas literally wipes them away. Quack ducks a clothesline but gets swatted away attempting a dropkick. Big Splash from Tursas! 1…2…Quack barely gets his shoulders up. Quack is tossed out, so Jigsaw enters. He immediately goes for Ares, but is taken down by all of BDK. Claudio hits a one handed scoop slam on Jigsaw and poses for the people. Jigsaw fights back, and once again goes right for Ares on the apron. He hits two boots to the face of Claudio, but Castagnoli is unfazed.  Lariat from Claudio! 1…2…Jigsaw kicks out. Seems Claudio isn’t all uppercuts anymore.  Lince gets in and hits a very impressive dropsault, tagging back out to Ares and Claudio. They hit repeated cradle slams on Jig before handing him off to Tursas, who destroys him with a sit-out powerbomb. At least Equinox is back on the apron now. On commentary, Mantis hilariously says he “has no idea why the BDK are here or what they want” and “had nothing to do with it”. Tursas covers for another close two. Slaps from Claudio to Jigsaw. BACKFIST FROM CLAUDIO! Clearly a message for “The Last of a Dying Breed” that he hasn’t forgotten his disrespect at Three-Fisted Tales. Claudio hits another backfist. Claudio Castagnoli sets up for the Ricola Bomb, but drops it. EDDIE KINGSTON COMES FLYING INTO THE RING IN STREET CLOTHES! Claudio bails, but Lince jumps right in and slaps Kingston! Lince ducks a clothesline but gets hit with a Thesz Press. STIFF SHOTS FROM KINGSTON! Chants of “Eddie” permeate the atmosphere, but Ares shuts it down by clipping Kingston’s knee from behind. Eddie pushes Ares into Claudio and then lariats Ares to the outside. Eddie…meet Tursas. Machinegun chops from Eddie do absolutely nothing to faze the giant. Kingston goes for a lariat, but Ares and Claudio trip him up and slam him to the floor. Equinox is finally in and he lays into Tursas with little effect, too. Tursas takes him out with a body avalanche. Claudio lifts the guardrail and slams it down on top of a prone Eddie Kingston! Tursas hits a front facelock suplex on Equinox, who is the only man left standing on his team. A triple team atomic drop is followed up by stereo lariats from Ares & Claudio and a huge shoulderblock from Tursas. Claudio lifts Jigsaw into the ring by his head and hits him with an uppercut to the back. Tursas returns, and Jigsaw tries to small package him. It works not at all. Every time a guy comes in, the Bruderschaft disposes of them. Finally, Quack catches Dorado with a palm strike and a springboard headscissors that sends Claudio into Ares, leaving Tursas and Quack alone in the ring! WINDMILL CHOPS FROM QUACK! Tursas is STILL unaffected! Quack off the ropes, but Tursas takes him down with a body avalanche. Jigsaw eats a swinging sideslam from the mountainous war god. Only in Chikara does that sentence make a lick of sense. Kingston’s back in, and his chops are actually working! Lince blinds tags in and tries a springboard, but Kingston catches him with an exploder to the floor. Ares back in, but Kingston nails him with a jumping enzuigiri, reaggravating the knee that Ares clipped earlier. Claudio sees this and hits a running dropkick to Eddie’s leg. Claudio poses and turns into twin superkicks from QuackenSaw! Kingston dives out onto Claudio! Jigsaw does the same to Ares! Equinox to Tursas! Quack dives onto Dorado and immediately rolls him back in! Springboard Dropkick! RELEASE GERMAN PLANTS DORADO RIGHT ON HIS HEAD! RUNNING PALM STRIKE SENDS LINCE OVER THE TOP ROPE!!! LOOOOOUD NOISES! Ares plays buzzkiller, nailing Quack with a Blue Thunder Bomb! 1…2…Quack kicks out. Equinox nails the knock-out punch! 1…2…Ares kicks out. Claudio and Ares double team Equinox in the corner. RUNNING UPPERCUT FROM CLAUDIO DESTROYS EQUINOX! 1…2…Equinox kicks out! “Jimmy” chants reign from all sides. Ricola Bomb attempt is thwarted by a Jigsaw big boot. He blocks a Bicycle Kick and hits a wacky wheelbarrow DDT! He covers, but I think Tursas’ shadow broke the count. He’s actually three Buick’s with a beard glued on. Quack and Jig continue to try and chop Tursas down. What was that thing Einstein said about insanity? Oh well. Beard is going everywhere. They charge at him, but both eat meaty lariats for their trouble. Kingston slides in and is peppering the giant with shots to the face. Backdrop Driver from Eddie…ON TURSAS!?!?…but Ares distracts the ref and Claudio low blows Kingston! Roll-up! One…Two…Three! The BDK steals the first true battle of the war! I might get accused of overrating this, but I don’t care. It was absolutely phenomenal, and if the finish was executed better, it’d be getting even higher. Man, this crowd…they are rocking like I’ve never seen. Oh wait, there’s more apparently. Claudio grabs a near-unconscious Kingston and demands his respect. Claudio tells him to say it. Kingston’s response? “I…will NEVER….respect YOU!” The Brotherhood beats him down some more, and Claudio nails the Ricola Bomb as a nail in the coffin. Claudio is showing more emotion than I’ve ever seen out of him, swearing that Kingston will respect him. I believe every word he says. Folks, this is the real deal here. Chikara hits a home run right out of the gate. I may go even higher on a few rewatches. I promise you: it’s that good, and it’s importance cannot be understated.
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8. Campeonatos de Parejas: The Colony vs. F.I.S.T. – ***1/2
Nice promo from F.I.S.T. before the match, usually a weaker point for those guys. Man, I do not envy these guys right now. They have to follow one of Chikara’s greatest brawls ever. Luckily, Icarus is a heat magnet, so I’ve got faith that they…yeah, they’re already booing him. All is well in the world. Icarus and Fire Ant start things off, and Icarus disposes of him rather quickly with a dropkick. Soldier Ant in immediately, but Icarus  bails, allowing Gran Akuma to enter. Soldier Ant eats a chest kick and is sent to the floor, but Fire Ant hits a swinging headscissors, on Akuma. Akuma counters a submission into his tombstone facebuster position, but Fire Ant counters that into a headscissors, and Akuma is outside. Icarus dodges a Fire Ant charge, hitting a spear on the apron to Soldier Ant! Tiger Sweep Kick from Akuma! 1…2…Fire Ant kicks out. Oh, I get it! Andy “Right Leg” Ridge! Because his entire move set involves his right leg! Fire Ant is worked over by F.I.S.T., which is not what you want if you’re the Colony. You wanna get one pinfall, and then the other. It’s best not to allow your opponents a pinfall or submission, let alone two. Then you lose the match. I’m John Madden. Lethal kicks to Fire Ant’s midsection. I always expect the opposing wrestler to barf when he does that. Akuma powerbombs Icarus onto Fire Ant for two. On commentary, former Director of Fun Chikarason accurately refers to UltraMantis’ promise of a tag title win “or your money back” as a Ponzi scheme. UltraMantis hears this as a “Fonzi scheme” and hilarity ensues. Fire Ant finally bails, allowing Soldier Ant to lucha tag and mess up F.I.S.T.’s faces. A northern lights suplex with a bridge gets two. TKO attempt, but Icarus blocks. Fire Ant shows up to help, and they hit a double team Osaka Street Cutter! Double boot to Icarus! Akuma back in, and he separates the ants with kicks, individually wrapped…for pain! But they manage to reverse a charge into the Ant Go Marching powerbomb! 1…2…Icarus saves Akuma. Soldier Ant counters a Shiranui, but gets hit with an E.V.O. instead! Someone’s been watching Infinity! 1…2…Fire Ant breaks it up. He sets Icarus on top for the Avalanche Beach Break, but Akuma meets them there, looking for his Yoshi Tonic off the top. Soldier Ant arrives, too! There’s too many people on the diving board! Fire Ant puts both Icarus and Akuma on his back. AVALANCHE BEACH BREAK TO BOTH MEMBERS OF F.I.S.T.! Fire Ant spent too much energy though and he can’t make the cover on either guy! The Colony heads north. Twin double stomps from the Ants, followed by twin dropkicks and twin topes to F.I.S.T. on the outside. Soldier Ant is back inside and covers Icarus for two. Soldier Ant and Icarus trade really stiff elbows, but a running elbow puts Icarus down. Akuma comes in with an exploder on Soldier Ant. Fire Ant with an Antzugiri to Akuma. Fire Ant looks to run, but Icarus cuts him off and places him on Akuma’s shoulders! RUBIK’S CUBE ON FIRE ANT ! 1…2…3! F.I.S.T. gets the first fall. As the bell rings for the second fall, chants of “Let Go Soldier” fires the ant up. Soldier Ant is promptly grounded and beaten down. Fire Ant is still out on the floor somewhere. Icarus pulls Soldier Ant out and taunts Soldier Ant like a legit madman, and just rolls him back in. Take notes, Pinkie. Powerbomb from Akuma, followed by a Frog Splash from Icarus. 1…2…Soldier Ant kicks out. Moonsault from Gran Akuma! 1…2…Soldier Ant kicks out yet again. They beat him up for a while before finally deciding that they wanna go home. Icarus places Soldier Ant on Akuma’s shoulder for the Rubik’s Cube, but Soldier Ant fights back. He tries an reverse rana, but they botch it BADLY, with Soldier Ant landing on his head and getting bent in a really painful-looking manner. Yikes. But Soldier Ant manages to roll to the floor, allowing Fire Ant to eventually hit the Heat of the Moment top rope antzuigiri on Akuma, followed by Burning Down the House! Icarus is back in, and he hits Fire Ant with the Shiranui! PEDIGREE ON FIRE ANT! 1…2…Fire Ant manages to kick out! Icarus tries another, but Fire Ant reverses it into a brainbuster! He is getting the crowd fired up! Get it? Icarus doesn’t, so he spears Fire Ant and everyone is sad again. Icarus charges, but he eats a Buzzsaw Kick! BEACH BREAK ON ICARUS! 1…2…Icarus apparently barely kicks out, says referee Remsburg. In reality, he just kinda laid there. More kicks to Icarus, and Fire Ant decides to dive out onto Akuma instead! Soldier Ant is back in, and he turns a headscissors into the Chikara Special! Icarus taps, tying things up at one-all! As soon as the third fall bell rings, Soldier Ant destroys Icarus with elbows, but Icarus manages to hit a desperation Blu-Ray Death Valley Driver into the corner! Fire Ant back in, and Icarus sends him to the apron. He tries an apron Shiranui, but Fire Ant just throws him to the outside. Akuma dodges a Fire Ant springboard, but he can’t dodge the buzzsaw kick off the rebound! Fire Ant charges, but Akuma hits a discuss lariat! Akuma sets up for another Rubik’s Cube. He gets it…No! Fire Ant rolls through into a victory roll! 1…2…3~! The Colony retain the tag titles! This was a mixed bag of good, great and cringe-worthy botches. It happens, and no matter what you do, it will always affect how you view the match. It’s unfortunate, as they really had some great stuff going. The Double Beach Break spot was used horribly though, and it just couldn’t follow the match that preceded it.  The crowd was still very lively, even after the botches, so kudos to them. If you can look past the botches, you’ll find a very good match here.
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Overall – 8 / 10

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Buy it! Buy it yesterday! This was the perfect way to open the season. It got everybody from BDK over without the Chikara guys losing a ton of face, had an early MOTY candidate, two ***1/2+ matches, and only one truly purposeless match, but like I suggested, you just never know what will turn out to be paramount in Chikara. The main event was a bit of a letdown, and I have in-ring booking issues abound, but I’m still gonna not only recommend this for Chikara fans, but indy fans as well. The crowd was incredible the entire show, making the experience even more enjoyable. Buy this with Three-Fisted Tales and embrace a new obsession. Have you bought it yet?! What do you mean “closed”? Website’s don’t have hours of operation, you liar!
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The All-Important M’s

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Match: Hmmm…let me think. THE FREAKIN’ EIGHT-MAN WAR! I’m starting to think I actually underrated it. I’m so weird about wanting my ratings to be “perfect”…whatever that means. It’s currently number two on my MOTY list in any company, if that tells you anything. Everybody looked good in this, and it was the perfect debut for the BDK faction. Watch it. Love it.
Move: There’s a load to choose from, but I’m gonna cheat a little go with two moves: the piledriver / bridging German suplex combo from Death Haze. It is in dire need of a name, which is clearly not my forte. It was brutal, and I imagine that the combo will be getting them many o’ wins in the future, possibly a title opportunity.
Moment: The aftermath of the eight-man war. This was absolutely the best I have ever seen Claudio Castagnoli in terms of pure character work. Whether he was screaming at Kingston or posing self-gratifyingly, I bought every little thing he did. Claudio gets better every season, but much like a certain Knockout Kid, he’s yet to put all of the pieces completely together. Perhaps this is the year.
MVP: Another very tough call here, but Tim Donst barely gets the nod over Tursas. He cut a terrific promo, wrestled the second best match of the night, and drew Icarus-level heat. He is developing at a very fast rate, and, barring injury or changes in life choices, he should be a Chikara cornerstone for the foreseeable future.
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Writer’s Notes: I think I’m too harsh on Chikara in-ring booking. What do you think? My grammar will be bit iffy in this, as my lovely girlfriend had not the time to proofread my madness. Also, I apologize for the length. As I do this more and more, I will find better ways to condense the content. Unless you want’em to stay long. FEEDBACK IS DEMANDED! Thanks for reading!
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